Author Archives: Melissa

happiness

Follow your dharma 

I discovered this old blog post I wrote in October 2012 Jenna would have been about 7 and was (and still is) a passionate artist. I still remember this morning very clearly and I’ve kept the paintings that Jenna did in a special book. I pull them out every once in a while when I need inspiration. 

As I’m now entering a phase of my life where I’m listening to my heart and following my bliss this is exactly the kind of reminder that I need. Why are we here if not to do that thing that makes our hearts sing and to share it with the world? 

I feel that way about this journey of healing that I am on. Ayurveda has brought me to a place where I am strong and whole again. What I have learned has changed every single thing about my life both physically and spiritually. It’s put me on a path I never imagined I could take. 


This morning we were doing our daily morning rush. Get up, get dressed, get breakfasts and lunches ready. Feed children. Make sure lunches and homework gets in backpacks. Sign forms that magically appear from nowhere. Yell at dog who is going crazy hoping it’s bus time and she can go for a walk. 

In the middle of this chaos, Jenna sits down at the table where her watercolour paint still sits from the night before. She looks at her paints and her paper and smiles and says “I need to paint, I love to paint, I MUST PAINT.” And sits down, grabs her brush and starts painting furiously. 

It does not matter that I was shoving her breakfast in her face about to bark at her that she needed to be getting ready for school. She needed to paint. And she did. And it brought great joy to my morning. We had time plus some to get all our things done. Yet we also had time to stop and let Jenna paint. Because it was something she must do. Something that makes Jenna Jenna. Uniquely her.

We need to remember to stop sometimes in the chaos of life and enjoy the things that we are passionate about. Or better yet, learn to live from our passions. I am thankful that life has landed me in a position where I now can figure out what I’m passionate about and follow that bliss. 

This gentle reminder of why I’m doing what I’m doing was my happiness moment today. 

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Cadillac ranch 

Today started off as one of those days where nothing seemed to want to go the right way. There were no big disasters, but I just felt really off my game. 

Finally I realized that The Girl had passed some of her cold virus my way and I was just a little under the weather – so much better to realize that than thinking the universe was conspiring against me. A little lie down and I was much happier. 

Jenna had her guitar lesson today. She has taken so naturally to that instrument. It’s a real pleasure to watch her as she learns new songs. This week she decided she wanted her instructor to teach her Cadillac Ranch. 

I went in near the end of the lesson and her teacher was grinning from ear to ear. He said he’d been feeling off all day and was having a terrible time of it, and that playing that song had picked him up and put him in a really good mood. He turned and thanked Jenna for wanting to being such a happy song into class. 

It’s amazing how a relatively small thing like a song can put a shift on a bad day and turn it into a good one. It reminded me that it’s important to pay attention to those small moments because they can be game changers. Listening to them jam to Cadillac Ranch was my happiness moment today. 

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God’s art

If you read my blog on a regular basis you’ll know that I am grateful every day that we are back home around our tribe in the place that we love most. 

There’s something about being here that is calming to my soul. Most mornings while we are driving into school we are able to look west and enjoy the mountain view. The kids get as excited as I do about how clearly we can see them and how lucky we are that this is our life. 

As a child I spent hours out here, usually on the back of my horse, appreciating God’s artwork. I didn’t know it at the time but I was doing an active meditation and communicating directly with my Source. 

Now not only do I have the opportunity to do that again, but I have the joy of experiencing it with my kids. 

Being able to appreciate the beauty that is around us really helps me to put things in perspective. The material things we have lost can always be replaced. But the joy I experience from living a life I love is priceless. 

My happiness moment today was admiring God’s artwork with Jacob as we drove into town. We are blessed. This life of happiness and love we are attracting gets brighter every day. 

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Sustainable happiness

The farther I walk on this spiritual path the more I believe that choosing happiness and love is truly the most sustainable way for me to live my life. Not that there aren’t days that I want to just lie in bed and watch Netflix, but mostly I want to be out celebrating the fact that I am alive. It wasn’t always like this, in fact it’s taken years of dedication to get to this point. I’ve had to reestablish my spiritual connection, shift a lot of my personal connections, and deepen and strengthen my connection within myself. Fortunately my life now is completely unrecognizable from the one that I was living just 2 years ago.

Even with all the bumps along the road I go to bed every night knowing that I’m closer to being the better version of myself that I’m striving to be. It certainly has not happened all on my own power either. I have this awesome tribe of people here who lift me up every day. My kids inspire me to keep reaching for greatness, and our mixed up pets teach us all what unconditional love really means. And of course the gentle hand of God has picked me up and carried me through it all – even when I’ve been swearing and dragging my heels.

Every time I ask for help I keep hearing you’re on the right path. And even though I get really impatient and want more of the path to be illuminated I know that what I’m hearing is true. I know I’m on the right path because I can feel it in my soul. I see it reflected in the kids’ eyes, I hear it in their laughter – we are moving forward in love.

My happiness moment today was listening to the kids talk to each other (when they thought I wasn’t around) about how much they love living in this house.  I love seeing the quiet moments when they play together. They are such good friends and they are blessed to have that strong bond.

Today I was reminded of the inukshuk that I saw in the sky last year – a reminder that “you are on the right path” A message from Dad, a message from God.

  

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Forgiveness

The past year and a bit have been quite the emotional rollercoaster for me. One thing that has stayed constant has been my understanding that through all the things that have been going on I have been held firmly in the hands of God. Even in the times that I have questioned things, I know that He has been guiding me and holding me.

I had a rather profound experience during my meditation yesterday. I realized that even though I’ve done a lot of work getting through and getting over the hurts that happened during the course of my marriage, and even though I’ve been very consciously working at cutting all the remaining emotional chords (the ones remaining being full of anger and pain), that I had never really said an emotional goodbye to him. And, unfortunately for me that was going to mean forgiving him.

There’s a big part of me that still does not want to forgive. I want to be small and petty and sit with my anger and hurt. There’s an even bigger part of me though that wants to be free and happy. That part of me knows that I need to forgive in order to finally be free. Remember how I swore I never, ever would forgive? Damn it!!!

I’ve struggled with forgiving him before. I did it over and over again in our marriage. What I found issue with back then was that every time I forgave him, another more painful betrayal would soon pop up and I’d have to not only deal with another forgiveness, but also the realization that I’d mistakenly given trust and placed faith once again. This time though, I’m able to go into this without having any expectations of him at all. We will never have any kind of relationship again, I won’t ever have to trust him or believe his word again. I just have to forgive him and let myself be free, so that he can be somebody that I used to know.

I couple of weeks ago I posted about how I felt I was sitting at a locked door and I thought I had the key (that key being surrender) but didn’t know how to use it. Part of the surrender I struggle with involves forgiveness. I don’t expect to forgive overnight, but I expect it to happen. I feel lucky in many ways, I am not dealing with a broken heart, that part of the relationship I dealt with years ago. However these feelings of hurt and anger can be quite the load to let go of as well. I see people decades after divorce still carrying that around and I don’t want that for myself. I want to move into  a healthy and functional relationship with a partner whom I love and trust and I have to be that person myself as well.

My aunt sent me a letter a while ago which sat forgotten on the kitchen counter. I opened it today and she wrote me about finding faith at my locked door. I think it was waiting for me to open it today because today I’m ready to really hear the words.  In part it included some scripture from Rev. 3:19-21

those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; be zealous therefore, and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.  He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. 

God has guided me so patiently and clearly in this past year (I know He has all my life, but He’s made me pretty aware of it lately), how can I not listen?

My birthday present this year was the beginnings of the divorce, and my Mother’s Day present is the beginnings of forgiveness. I feel like they’re the two most important gifts I’ve ever given myself.

My happiness moment today happened at 1:00 am. I woke up suddenly and grabbed my phone without knowing why. I saw a few missed calls and texts from my cousin. She was trying to tell me to get outside and look at the Northern Lights. I woke the kids and we ran out into the yard to see God’s amazing light display. They were some of the best ones I’ve ever seen, they danced all over the sky. It was warm and clear and we stood out there for over an hour admiring the show in the sky.

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Yard work 

It was a beautiful Saturday here and we all took full advantage of the weather. The girls played on the trampoline with the sprinkler and the boy and I got the yard ready for the summer. The lawn is mowed, the flowerbed is almost all weeded, the furniture is out. 

Not too long ago I had a hard time believing I could do anything, my self esteem having been squished to an all time low. I’m loving the feeling of finding myself again, remembering that I am capable of accomplishing both big and small things. 

And when I’m done building my world (or need a break from it), I now have the hammock out to rest in. Lying there quietly in the yard where I find such peace and contentment was my happiness moment today. 

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Morning Pages and Sun Salutations

I’ve decided to add back in two routines into my daily life that for me are much like my meditation practice. I often find them a challenge start, but afterwards I always feel so much better having done them. I’m talking about doing Morning Pages and Sun Salutations.

I haven’t religiously done Morning Pages for about 5 years, although I’ve managed to be kind of hit and miss about it over that time. When I was doing them every day prior to that I began to understand why Julia Cameron says they’re a must for boosting creativity. I did Sun Salutations every day for a few months a couple of years ago and then let that practice slip to the wayside, somehow forgetting how great they are at relaxing and stretching out my body. It’s time to add back in that little bit of extra self care and self love.

It’s only been a few days of doing both exercises, but already I can tell my body and mind are getting clearer and happier. Knowing that I can so easily do something that brings joy and peace to my soul is my inner happiness moment.

On a larger scale, I have a completely different, outer happiness moment. It seems as though all of Alberta is pulling together to help the people who have lost so much in the Fort McMurray fire. My Facebook feed is filled with local people and businesses raising money, donating supplies, and even offering homes to the people who had to so suddenly leave everything they had.

I looked at photos of people with their dogs piled on West Jet planes that have volunteered to go up to help people evacuate. It certainly made it very clear to me that whenever possible in the future I am booking with West Jet for all my flights.

For very different reasons, the kids and I came very close to losing everything earlier this year. We were essentially left destitute and if not for the kindness of those around us I don’t know what would have happened. I see this same kind of love and support being shown by strangers all over the province (and other provinces as well) as they’re doing whatever they can to help out. Our smaller scale personal tragedy has left me with a lot of empathy for these people whose lives changed at the drop of a hat.

Image from CTV news.

Image result for fort mcmurray fire

The power of kindness is amazing and overwhelming. It is so easy to focus on the negative, but there really are some powerfully loving people out there in the world. When tragedies like this happen it really lets that love shine through. I feel blessed to be in a place where there are people who will do so much to help out their neighbours. The world needs more of this. It reminds me to shine love and light wherever I can, you never know who needs some kindness. It gives me such hope to see that love really does always win.

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Happiness break 

The boy had a bonus day off of school today so we took a much needed happiness break and drove to the mountains for some one on one time. There has been so much stress and emotional turmoil for all three of us over the past year, I want to make sure they come out of this time as healthy and loved as is humanly possible. Sometimes the best way to make that happen is to just leave all your cares behind and head west to the mountains.

I have always found so much healing and strength being wrapped in a big mountain hug. I could see him relaxing and enjoying life a little bit more as well. We giggled our way up and down the streets and spent some time really talking to each other. Keeping that bond is so important. I feel so fortunate that at almost 15 he will spend a day with me by choice. The three of us have worked very hard over the years to develop a strong bond and it really pays off. They are my security blankies and I am theirs (blankies are a big thing in our house so it’s a good point of reference for us).

I’ll have to work double time for the rest of the week to make up for the unexpected day off, but it was so worth it. Making sure the kids feel grounded, loved, and safe is always my number one priority. It was good for my soul too, I need the reminder that we are grounded, loved and safe as well.

What a great happiness moment celebration. We are blessed.

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The Beatles


Because it was over 30C today we made a pit stop at DQ after school for some much needed blizzards. While we were sitting and enjoying our frozen treats, Jenna looked over at this poster and told me I should bid on it. 

I reminded her we have very little extra living space in our house – where would we put it? Then she said she didn’t really want it anyway even though she was raised on the Beatles. This confused me as I couldn’t really remember playing them for her at all. I asked her and yes, she was sure. They’d always been her favourite. 

I was pondering how that could be when  Jacob said you mean the Black Eyed Peas? And Jenna said yes, them. Whatever. Same thing. 

Ummmmm no. It’s not. 

There has been so much stress and anxiety over the last few months I love the moments when they’re just their regular selves, it makes for a grateful  happiness  moment.  I hope they’re allowed to continue to heal. It takes every ounce of energy I have some days to hold their hearts and help them through this. 

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Breathe in 

I felt kind of off my game today.  I had some heart decisions to make – which I did by honouring my intuition. Oh that heart does want what it wants. 

I also hadn’t slept well last night because I was feeling badly for one of the kitties who was feeling uncomfortable. No sleep is all it takes to make me realize how depleted I still am. 

But now I am armed with my knowledge of Ayurveda and I know how to guide myself back into balance. 

My happiness moment came today as I breathed deeply on my evening walk. I could feel some of the yuck wash away and be replaced by gratitude. 

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