Tag Archives: abuse

happiness

The memory keeper 

My dad was the family photographer, in effect he was our memory keeper. Everything that we did that was recorded was thanks to his passion for photography. I appreciate it even more now that he’s gone and we no longer have someone snapping shots of the good moments in our lives.

Jenna needs a new computer for school this year and my mom said that she could use dad’s old laptop. For the first time in 2+ years it got turned on and we took a look at what dad left behind (as an aside – when I die I need someone I trust to go through my things and delete, delete, delete).

Here are some photos from their trip to Virginia in 2013 to visit us. Our lives took a HUGE turn sideways within a day of my parents going back home, and it was good to look back and see some really happy memories from a time I’ve tried to wipe out.

So, here’s a little trip down our memory lane. I’ve found it hard to look at Dad’s photos – they bring back such bittersweet memories. But today we looked at them and it was Jenna’s turn to laugh until she cried. There were a lot of good times. A lot of happiness.

This was Easter 2013

 

Neither Jenna nor I have any idea what this is. She says I look so proud of it, but it looks like poop. So there you have it.

Swimming was always a huge part of any grandparent visit. My kids inherited dad’s love of the water.

Day trip to Monticello – one of our favourite spots – I loved Charlottesville.

Jenna rode this scooter everywhere. Interesting that I made her wear a helmet here, but there’s no helmet on the toboggans at home.

Those of you who know me understand how emotionally scarring this was for me. Freaking mascots.


These girls love doing this still.

 

And these from 2010

 

These kids and these cats – good buddies. We lost Tawny last year in an accident 😦

I grew up being super close with my cousins – I love that this tribe of cousins has kept their close bonds even when we had thousands of miles between us.

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Change the way I tell the story 

I did a lab today with my health coaching course that went completely differently than planned. 

We were supposed to be talking about eating slowly, breathing, and relaxing during meals. Part of that involves doing an emotional check in before eating. 

I said the one time I did the exercise before my meal I had some really unpleasant emotions come up that left me really upset. 

She asked me what they were and I described a little of our family history,  and said that now that we are out of having to live in the abuse that I still have guilt, sadness, and anger. I feel guilty for the kids having the kind of childhood they did, sad that it took so long to get out of that life, and angry that he treated us that way and that I allowed it. 

But I also feel like I carry the feelings he should carry. He doesn’t feel guilty so I feel it for him. I carry his burden when it’s not mine to carry. 

I was reminded today that I can change how I tell my story. I am not his victim anymore – even though he does everything he can to put me back in that position. I don’t have to carry his guilt, that shit is  on him. I find the more months that go by whee he’s not making his payments or only making partial payments the more frustrated and angry I get. It’s the only thing he has to do for his children and he refuses. But I am not feeling guilty for that anymore. It’s a reflection of him not of me. 

Being able to see that from a different perspective and let some of that go – that’s happiness. 

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It’s as close to God as I can get


Today I was listening to Saltwater Gospel on my drive home (I am doing short drives now, which is awesome) and I got stuck on the line I’m as close to God as I can get. 

I love this song because to me it speaks about finding God outside of church. I remember years ago talking to my pastor about how I only found God outside of church, and with her wise words she reminded me that I know who God is because I learned about him in church. So, I think both are important. 

For me, my Saltwater Gospel is found on a horse. Always has been. It wasn’t until I actively started seeking out spiritual guidance, grounding, and started practicing meditation that I realized all of this I intuitively knew from my time on the back of a horse. 

And I thought of Drishti in the field. This boy I waited so long for, who I prayed for, who came to me through a miracle. I’m really sad I can’t ride him, like heartbroken. It seems so unfair that I just get him and I hurt myself so I can’t ride. 

But you know what? He’s still here. We still can work on our bond. Being with him is still as close to God as I can get. 

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A couple of times in recent years I have had body issues that have forced me to stop and make a total reassessment of my life. The last time it happened with my feet, it made me change my life into the one I have now. If I hadn’t literally been stopped in my tracks a few years ago, I never would have connected with God the way I did and found the strength to get where I am – home, safe, happy, free. 

There’s a lesson in this one too. I just have to stop and pay attention to it. The last few years have been so filled with sorrow, trauma, and stress – maybe exactly what I need is to be forced to just stop and listen and get as close to God as I can get. 

Happiness ❤️

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Melissa again 

I got the letter from my lawyer today. The divorce is final. I am Melissa again. 

My friend pointed out how true it is that I’m Melissa again  in the way that I’m dealing with my fall and injury.

Married Melissa would have felt this is all my fault, I deserved it, I don’t deserve to be happy, Im not worthy of having good things happen to me, I should never have been so selfish to follow my heart and do something I love. 

Melissa again ( the new version of the old me) feels I had better spend the winter healing, getting stronger, and improving my balance so this doesn’t happen again, maybe I need to seek out someone who can help me be more confident, I can’t wait to ride again, thank goodness for Drishti – he is helping heal my soul.  

Night and day difference in attitude. This is how I know I’m Melissa again. That is happiness. 

I saw my surgeon – who is a second cousin (he doesn’t know this) and who informed me how dangerous horse riding is (his uncle and cousin formed my childhood love of being crazy on horseback) – and while my shoulder is badly shattered and will take a long time to heal, it doesn’t need surgery and is in good alignment to heal. 

So that’s good. And that’s happiness too 


And him. That little face. He is a bright light in my life. 

I’m Melissa again. ❤️❤️

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Keep faith keep focused 

I had my first success coaching call today and my take away from the session was to stay focused on having faith that it’s possible for me to succeed. 

I sometimes still have all those nasty words dancing in my head that I heard for so many years. The problem is even if I only heard them once I relayed them many more times over. I’m learning to change that broken record. 

Things are changing. 

I went out with a girlfriend tonight and we talked about just that (among many other things) – things are changing for both of us. And it’s ok to embrace the new normal, the good, the bad, the happy, the scary – and just be in the moment. 

That is happiness 

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More clutter clearing 

We spent a big chunk of the day today clearing more clutter from the house – and so from our lives. Considering it was something I was pretty resistant to, I’m finding the more clutter I clear the happier I am

Not just the physical stuff, but lots of emotional clutter is being cleared as well. Awesome. 
That is happiness 

And a bonus happiness moment was having my sister and family show up for supper. We don’t get to see them often enough and these times are precious. 

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Nightmares and daydreams 

My son had to wake me up twice last night because I was having night terrors. Not just regular old nightmares, but sleep paralysis and night terrors (it was just as lovely to experience as it sounds). The after effects of a rather traumatic experience last week. The boy knew exactly what they were and shrugged and said I got those a lot last summer after I saw my dad,  then went back to bed. So that was lovely to hear, and kept me awake for a good chunk of the night.

But, the nightmares don’t last in the daytime and today I made a special effort to be thankful for the good things in my life. The boy and I went to to the farmer’s market and we have enough cherries, berries, and peaches to get good and sick off of (I have no self control when it comes to cherries), we looked at displays, tried curries, and bought Indian food. It was a success.

In the spirit of continuing to de-clutter I worked on my poor, neglected vegetable garden. I’m hoping that in two more days it will look like a loved place once again.

Then I went out for a ride. If I ever need a reminder that God loves me and that he preforms miracles all I have to do is look at Drishti. He is a miracle in my life and he teaches me to love, to trust, and to not be afraid. He also just lets me be happy.

Plus, I am home, I am safe, and this is the view I get while I’m on my horse. There’s a lot to be thankful for, and that makes me happy.

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As you change

I met a lady today who is also a student in the course I’m taking. Being rather introverted and socially awkward, I wasn’t sure how it would go – but it went SO much better than I could have ever anticipated. Our lives look very different, but we have walked very similar paths. It was amazing how the digger we dug the more we had in common. And she’s a fellow leftie, so you know she’s amazing.

We spent some time discussing the 10 dietary paradigms of the course and it was pretty interesting how strongly some of them had affected our lives, and how some of them we were just becoming aware enough of to  realize the impact they’ve had on us.

One that we spent quite a bit of time on was the idea that nourishment is about much more than food. I struggle all the time to digest my emotions and it shows up as health issues if I don’t figure out how to do it. It’s made me live a more authentic life, and have to be more accountable, but sometimes it still surprises me how effectively I can stuff those emotions down and pretend to ignore them.

The body doesn’t lie though, eventually I pay the price and I have to stop everything and deal with it.

It was such a great happiness moment to spend the afternoon delving into a new passion with someone who is as excited as I am. I’m really looking forward to seeing how we both grow as we carry on with this course.

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Clearing the clutter 

One of the exercises in the course I’m taking is to clear clutter out of certain areas in our lives. They had very specific exercises we were to choose from and follow. The idea being that if we clear the clutter from our external environment it will make our inner one calmer. 

And I had good intentions of doing just that today – really I did. 

But I ended up going rogue and clearing clutter from a totally different area of my life. I cleared relationship clutter. 

I’ve known it was time to walk away from this person for a while now, but I was really resisting it. I didn’t want to. Today though I cut the cord and cleared the clutter. I was amazed at how much more peace and space I felt in my spiritual core almost immediately. 

One thing I learned through my divorce is that I can walk away from anyone no matter how badly I want it to work if it’s become toxic. I’m also learning not to get into relationships with people who don’t make me happy or who aren’t healthy for me. 

On the flip side, tonight I went out to see my boy in the field and realized I am also totally capable of doing the opposite. Things got really bad with Drishti a little while ago and I had to decide – do I walk away or do I buckle down and do the hard work to make it work. That relationship was worth fighting for – and now we are more than good. I love that boy 


There’s a lot of happiness in knowing I can trust my intuition, that I can have faith I’m making good choices, and I have this amazing gift from heaven – Drishti. 

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Opening the heart 

I had what could very well end up being my last session of transformational acupuncture today – he’s moving from the west to the east and who knows when another Calgary stop will happen. 

But each of the 3 or 4 sessions I’ve had with him have really been transformational. It’s amazing how working the energy lines like he does clears up blocks I’ve been dealing with for years. 

Today was letting go of the fear of being hurt and opening the heart. Drishti had brought a lot of these issues that have been simmering to the surface, but of course as I look around in my life I see them present everywhere. 

We had a few (three!) unsettling, scary episodes this last weekend and it helped put things into perspective for me. I waste a lot of time being scared of nothing. When the really big scary stuff happens I stand up and deal with it just fine. So why so scared of potential unknowns? Seriously. 

It was amazing to feel the energy shift as we worked through the session. I felt the chatter that I’ve struggled to quiet in my mind vanish and my body relax in ways it hasn’t in years. 

That is happiness. Deep, hard core happiness. 

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