Tag Archives: alberta

happiness

The last swan

It was a beautiful 22C here today. Spring has officially sprung in Alberta. I love it!!

The kids have been outside playing all afternoon, the calves are arriving in the fields, Dottie and I are back out for long walks, and the swans are leaving. Our slough was completely empty today. 

I’ll miss them, but it’s been beautiful having them here. 

People were much happier today when I was   in town earlier. Nothing like a little dose of sunshine to make everything seem better. 

I feel like I’ve had a huge dose of love and support sent my way over these last few days (and by many over the last few months). That had made a huge difference in helping me look on the sunny side of things. I have an awesome tribe. Thanks to all of you. 

My happiness moment was walking along the road with the dotted dog. It is stunning here. I love where I live. 

  

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The swans (happiness bonus)

I made Jenna join me for forced family fun time this evening and we went for a walk along the ridge. Although it took some encouraging to get her there, once she got going she didn’t want to stop. 

It was a perfect Alberta spring evening. The mountains were sharp, the cows and calves were eating supper, the deer were out, and we were joined by the visiting swans. I love where we live. 

The naughty dotted dog discovering the deer 

The mountains   
  
The swans.  

Being on this ridge always makes me feel so much closer to dad. I miss him incedibly. The more we get into spring, the more I realize how long he’s been gone. It makes me happy to walk in a place that brought him such joy. 

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Easter’s Boxing Day 

If you read my blog regularly or know me in real life, you’ll know that Boxing Day is my favourite day of the year. It’s the day after all the excitement and chaos of Christmas. The day when we can just sit around, eat leftovers, play with toys, and visit with each other. 

Today feels like the Boxing Day of Easter. After three days of family gatherings and meals, we are a smaller gathering today quietly hanging around the house. There’s nowhere to go and nothing to do besides visit and enjoy each other’s company. 

These small quiet moments are the ones that make some of the greatest memories in life. 

I’m lying here listening to Jacob and his uncle who are deeply involved in a conversation about Star Wars. People are flaked out in chairs and couches napping or visiting (I’m one of the couch people). This is what it means to be safely back home in the loving arms of the family. We have the security and comfort of being with people whom we love. 

More and more I’m feeling able to just have faith and trust that all will be looked after. I’m remembering that the kids and I are safe. I’m also realizing that I don’t have to live in fear and upset because of the disrespectful and pain-seeking choices of someone else. Every step I’m taking is in the direction of this new life which is filled with promises of love and hope and happiness. I just have to keep faith that I’m on the right path and remember that we will be ok because we are living honest, loving lives. 

The happiness moment today is flaked out family time. 

  

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A colorful life 

It’s Easter weekend, and I’m so grateful that we are here with the ones we love. This has been a year full of so many emotions, but at the top of the list is the deep feeling of peace and love that I have now that we are safely back home. 

I find it difficult to even think back on how brutally lonely and isolated the kids and I were those last few years of our life on the road. We have so many people around us now, and life is so busy and full its hard to believe we were so quiet and empty not too long ago. 

Color comes in and brightens everything up. The color and richness of the lives we live now has warmed our souls and made us all such happier people. 

Today was Easter Egg decorating time. Jenna has been patiently waiting for days to get to this. We were a bit delayed due to my accidental, massive egg explosion (eggsplosion?) but finally we were good to go. 

The amount of planning these girls put into their egg decorating was amazing. I love that even though they are getting older, they are still so excited (eggcited?) to have some fun.   
 
After they were done decorating, I suggested they take the dye out and paint the snow. Thanks again to Mother Nature for her showing of second winter over the last 24 hours. 

They decided to color the snow fort they had spent the afternoon building.   

 
These two cousins are such great friends. What a blessing to have family close enough to play with on a regular basis. I will never take for granted the awesome relationships we have here with our tribe. 

It would have been my happiness moment anyway, but the girls dragged me out to show me their fort. They said they expected to read about this on the blog because it must be a happiness moment. 

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Here a swan, there a swan

Last night I declared that my intention was to focus on the swans and the beautiful things in my life. 

This morning I was instantly gratified with a surprise view of some swans hanging on a slough as we drove to town.  
This  afternoon, on our return from the city, we had another wonderful swan sighting. Jenna and I had to pull off the road and stand for a while to admire their beauty. 

 

The swans in the springtime always make me think of Dad. I still miss him so much, it baffles me that he’s been gone for 10 months already. It still feels so fresh. And yet, here we are heading into another spring. He would have loved standing there with us watching them. 

I thought the swans were going to be my happiness moment. But then my cousin showed up on my doorstep and invited Jenna and me to go riding with her on Saturday. Even just the thought of going riding is enough to make it my happiness moment for the day. 

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Morning pit stop 

Thankfully the universe listens to me, and after my meltdown of yesterday is helping me with my pick up. 

I wanted to focus on swans, the kids, the joys in my life. And the Universe is providing that. 

We stopped to take in the beauty of the swans on our drive into school this morning. It was followed by a lovely coffee date with my boy at Timmies. So many beautiful things in the world. I am grateful for them all. 

  

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Love flowers 

After another restless night, I actually fell into a deep sleep near the wee hours. I was puttering around, drinking my tea this morning when my cousin called and asked how the kids were doing.

Apparently, I’m fine when people ask how I am doing because aside from some fear and mental grief I am fine. But, when they ask how the kids are, I completely fall apart. I burst into tears over the phone and couldn’t stop. That was probably a good thing as it’s the first time I’ve actually cried about all that’s going on. I feel like I spent so much time crying over Dad dying last year that I didn’t want to spend more tears on Mr. X, who does not deserve them, but there they were.

And, actually the tears are not about Mr. X at all, the tears are about the huge amount of loss I feel for my children. The difference between how I look back on my father and how they will look back on theirs couldn’t be further apart. I’m trying so hard to keep them out of all this trauma, and yet they know more than they should just by virtue of him refusing to provide enough support for his family to have a chance to start over. The kids are unfortunately now aware that there is a present struggle even to have the most basic of needs met, and they know the reason why. I wish they didn’t.

My cousin heard me crying over the phone as she was driving into town to go to work. She said “hang on, I’m not that far away, I’m turning around and I’ve got something for you”. She showed up at my house with this:

I can’t remember exactly what she said, but it involved the flowers being beautiful and alive and smelling good, and that I was all of that too (the way she said it was so touching and I can’t remember it).

Edited note. She texted me again what she said to me at home: And for the record: you are beautiful, colourful, vibrant and add a sweetness to the room you are in. Everyone should have someone like this in their lives 

These loving flowers are sitting beside me today as I get some work done. I am so humbled by the outpouring of love and support I have received from my people. I had a message last night from a dear friend since high school. This woman was a single parent to her daughter from day one and has done such an amazing job of raising a beautiful young woman. She’s the person I go to when I set the standard for how I want to lead my family into our future.

I have realized that all of this that is going on is not my hell. I didn’t create this. This is a reflection of his reality not mine.

My reality is living here in this house that I adore with the people I love, safely back with my family, in the place I love most in the world. I’m doing exactly what makes my soul sing in looking after my family. I am so incredibly thankful that this is my life.

*I’ve got another happiness moment coming up tonight… a pre-planned one.*

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Who’s who? My dad

I spent a lot of time today with the memory of my dad. I feel like the past few weeks have been so filled fending off the poisoned barbs of hatred that I kind of lost focus on letting in the things that are really important to me.

My dad was one of the things that was really important to me. He wasn’t perfect, but he was such an influential person in my life. He was exceptionally unreasonable during my teenage years (I have no idea why…) and we could really get into it sometimes, but through it all I knew that he loved me unconditionally and always had my back.

Actually, my parents were/are such great examples of what unconditional love is. Even when I’ve been at my most lost and scattered, they have always provided me with a safe place to land. That security of having people who are there for me no matter what is so important, it gives me the freedom to take chances and explore who I am and what my purpose is.

After Dad died I had a lot of friends and family come up to me and express their gratitude for things that Dad had done for them. He had often stepped in and given support, and frequently free legal advice as well, to the people in our lives. He not only provided me with that sense of security and trust, but he gave it freely to so many others as well. He lived with a sense of abundance, not holding onto his knowledge or love, but spreading it around because there was enough for everyone.

He showed me what to expect from a man. Someone who not only worked hard and was successful at his career (and he was very successful), but who lived with integrity, spent time with his family, laughed, loved, and jumped full on into life. I think I took it for granted that because this was my experience all dads are like this. I will never take that for granted again. They’re not.

He not only took great interest in the things that we were doing – I can think of him sitting for hours listening as I babbled on about whatever was my current obsession, probably wanting to stab his eyeballs out, but smiling and encouraging – but he shone that same love and support on his grandchildren. My kids still talk daily about things they did with grandpa and how much they miss his presence. The way he lived his life has made a huge impression on Jacob, and he talks often about becoming the kind of man grandpa was. Jacob is already a good, honest young man. I have no doubt he will make his grandpa proud.

I realize the older I get how exceptional my dad was. I’m realizing in fact how exceptional my entire family is. I don’t know how it happened, but I won the awesome family lottery in that I have this ready made tribe of people who are so strong, loving and kind.

My mom sent me an email this afternoon letting me know that my dad was listed in this year’s Canadian Who’s Who. It’s so wonderful to read about his accomplishments, but to me his real achievement was the kind of person he was. The way he lived his life is something I can hold onto and aspire to. I will always have his tendency to have temper meltdowns (blow it out and move on), but that’s part of being human. To live with an open heart so that people can trust and depend on you as my dad did – that’s a real life achievement.

 

 I miss you Dad xox

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Digging for gophers 

I was chatting with a friend this morning and at the end of our conversation he said “have a great Monday, make it count”. I have to say that stuck with me today. I was overtired because I didn’t get a good sleep, Jenna was home sick, and it was just kind of a blah start to the day. 

Make it count. Yes, every day should count. Even those blah ones. So I had a quick nap (yay), felt a bit more like myself, did some course work, had a Golden Girl marathon with the girl, walked the dog on the ridge, had an unexpected visit with my aunt, and went in to wish the kids’ grandma a happy birthday. It was a day that counted – very much so- and a good one at that. 

 The Dotted Dog had spring fever today while we were walking. It was beautiful – I didn’t even have a coat on. She ran to every single gopher hole she could find and dug like mad trying to find whatever may be hiding down deep. I love watching the joy she brings to these walks. The freedom she has here has made her so much more complete (and I can relate to that). A dirt filled happiness moment. 

  

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If you’re going through hell keep on going…

There’s a lot to that old saying laughter is the best medicine. We have been in desperate need of some good belly laughs these past few days.  To say that life is a little intense right now is a huge understatement.

Because things always come to me as I need them, I listened to a song last night that reminded me of the angels (literal and figurative) that I have in my life. If You’re Going Through Hell will be my pick up song for the time being. 

But the good news is there’s angels everywhere out on the street

Holding out a hand to pull you back upon your feet

The ones that you been dragging for so long you’re on your knees

You might as well be free

Its so easy to get focused on the person or thing that is pushing me down, but so much more importantly are those angels who are loving us and helping us up out of the darkness. They have held out their hands and their hearts and are keeping the kids and I in this safe basket of love while we get through this part. Freedom is something I have prayed for for a long time. From now on I know that when the opportunity comes to free my soul I will always take it. And some great advice to all of us as we go through dark times…

If you’re going through hell keep on going

Don’t slow down, if you’re scared, don’t show it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there. 


Today we decided we needed a family fun day. Each child brought a friend and we are up in Canmore at the swimming pool (a very cool pool with slides and a lazy river and basketball nets). Laughing with this group of kids all afternoon has been not a only a great happiness moment, but a happiness refocus, as we remember what is important.  Elizabeth Gilbert hit it nail on the head – what is important is to eat, pray, love. I am so thankful that I am on this journey with these amazing humans – my kids, my family, my friends. 

  

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