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Surrender

  
I come from a long line of extremely stubborn and willful people so to say that I don’t surrender easily (or at all) into things is putting it mildly. 

Since having yoga and mediation and Ayurveda introduced into my life I have been actively seeking the way to surrender. It hasn’t been successful. 

This is likely because I’ve been trying to force myself to surrender. Stubbornly and willfully. With no success. 

I always imagined how my true surrender would go. It would be like Disney meets Kripalu. I would be sitting serenely in a field with butterflies flitting about, deer skipping by, and flowers dancing a merry rainbow of peace and serenity. I would be radiating bliss from my inner core as I sat in peaceful meditation. 

No matter how many times I tried to force this peaceful surrender it never happened. 

Today for the first time I felt myself – my whole self, body mind and spirit – surrender. 

Here’s what it looked like: me lying on the ground yelling no, no, no, no, no, no,no f*ck, f*ck (a few more hundred of those)…. FINE. Then I lay there and cried. And I’m not a pretty crier. It was heaping, drooling, snotty sobs of tears. 

Then I got up, dusted myself off, and continued to cry for the next 12 hours. Actually, since I’m still crying now it will be much longer I’m sure.

But, somewhere in that heaping, ugly mess came surrender. I felt it happen. I just gave it all up. 

Once I got to the point where I was beyond trying to force myself into a place that was not authentic for me it just happened. Right now in this moment in time, surrender for me is curled up in the fetal position crying my eyes out. And that’s ok. Because it’s real. 

Surrender meant acknowledging what is happening, having my authentic response to it and being ok with it. Knowing that what happens is beyond my control. That it’s not my job to reach for a specific outcome. Right now it’s my job to surrender, to cry, to feel, to relax and let be. 

Happiness moment today was sitting with dad in a sunbeam while giving him a big hug. Yes, I cried for most of it. But whatever. It was still a moment of true love and that means happiness. 

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Life is a balance 

 
My theme for the day seems to be relax. The larger theme seems to be balance. I had a long conversation today with my Ayurvedic practitioner and yoga instructor  Asrael about things and life and relaxing and balance. 

For some reason relaxing into things is not something that comes easily to me. Even with the deep understanding that life will be better and happier and more bliss filled, I resist and stress into so many of my experiences. Both the good ones and the bad ones. I get the resistance for the unpleasant ones – but really? Do the pleasant ones have to be a struggle too?

Relax. 

For me being able to relax means that I find that perfect balance of holding on and letting go. Some things need to be held onto. Some things need to be let go of. Some things I need to both hold on and let go of at the same time. 

Relax. 

It’s a conversation I had today with my dad as well. How does one relax? Breathe into the moment? 

The concept is easy, putting it into practice is a challenge for me. 

Happiness moment was my conversation with Asrael. It’s so balancing and grounding for me   I actually do feel myself relaxing when I talk to her. Which is probably why I’ve been exhausted all day. 

Relax. 

Hold on and let go. 

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Putting down roots 

To be rooted is perhaps the most important and least recognized need of the human soul. – Simone Weil 


My cousin put this quote on my Facebook wall yesterday saying it was something that reminded her of me. A lot of time over these past few years have been spent figuring out what grounds me and what to do about it. 

What grounds me? I rediscovered last summer that this grounds me 

  
I remember laughing about this fact years ago when I was riding all the time the only stable thing in my life is my horses. Over the years I’ve thought about that statement and refined it (I was in my early twenties at the time and if you’d told me I would be moving away from Calgary I wold have laughed hysterically)

Being home grounds me. Home in the larger word than just a house. Home where family is. Home at the ranch. Home where I look outside and see the barn. Home where I walk outside of my house and the first sound I hear is the gentle zerbert sound of a horse sneeze. Home where little Melissa ran around and played with her sister and cousins in the same yard her mom played and in the same yard her grandpa played. 

Like roots attaching into the ground I can feel myself grounding back in here. A different and more purposeful grounding than I had before when I took it for granted. 

This morning while driving home from the school drop off I had to pull over and take in the view of the mountains. It was breathtaking and I felt my soul smile as I stood outside of the car breathing in the morning air. As I stood there I thought about being grounded and being home and sticking my roots in. 

  
But then when I got back in the car the song Sweet Caroline by Neil Diamond came on the radio and it brought me to Rhode Island summers. We had some beautiful summers there at the beach and driving to Newport and to Boston   That song is the song they play at the Red Sox games and Jacob became such a Red Sox fan there. 

I realized we had left roots everywhere we have been in some way, shape or form. 

One of the churches in Roanoke had this on their sign: bloom where you are planted and it became a mantra of sorts for me during my time there. I tried (perhaps too hard) to bloom and flourish no matter where I was. I have to say though, there are certain conditions that are absolutely better for growth than others. 

Learning about Ayurveda has taught me that a lot of my sense of being ungrounded is a Vata imbalance. I knew this, I studied this. I practiced a Vata pacifying lifestyle   And yet no matter what I did I remained unbalanced. 

Calgary physically is about the most Vata aggravating  place on the planet. It’s dry, windy, and cold, cold, cold. 

I knew that a lot of my imbalance had nothing to do with anything physical. I could live in a Vata pacifying place, eat Vata pacifying foods, and practice Vata pacifying routines and it wasn’t going to solve my problem. 

My issue was and is spiritual   And it’s being balanced in this most Vata aggravating of places. Where my roots are.  

Happiness moment: a little couch nap this afternoon with Ella the Cat being a purr machine on my chest. Part way through she rolled over, leaned down to where Dottie the Dotted Dog was lying, balled her paw into an unclawed fist and punched her a few times in the head. When Dottie looked up, Ella rolled over on her back and cuddled up to me so Dottie knew she was missing something. They pretend to hate each other but they actually have a pretty special friendship. Shhhh don’t tell anyone. 

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A little Ayurvedic magic

 
First of all the happiness moment of the day. It was a beautiful, sunny 20 degrees Celsius out today and the kids and I took an early summer break and went to our old favourite, Mackay’s  Ice Cream in Cochrane. It was lovely and delicious. I had a very non Ayurvedic scoop of chocolate fudge chunk and blissfully enjoyed every bite in an Ayurvedic approved manner of mindful eating. OMG it was good!!

This weekend Jenna has been complaining on and off of a sore ear. Yesterday I pulled out my essential oils and tried putting some of them around her ear. While it helped a little nothing was solving the pain. 

This morning she woke up in terrible pain and I actually ended up keeping her home from school. As I was preparing breakfast I remembered where  I had stashed my mustard oil and decided to give a remedy a try that I’d been given by a friend from India a few years ago. 

At one point both Jenna and I had sore ears. I put her on antibiotics and I used the Ayurvedic remedy to see who healed faster. I did at a significant rate. 

So, you get a pot and put some mustard oil in it. Then add a couple of cloves of garlic and heat it until the garlic turns red. Remember it’s oil so hot is hot! I put a clear lid on the pot. 

When it’s done, let it cool and then put some on a cotton ball and place it in the ear. Leave it for as long as possible. 

Jenna wore hers for 3 hours and her ear is completely pain free. She went from not wanting to move to skipping down the road smiling and laughing. 

Magic

I love learning about and healing with Ayurveda 

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Don’t worry, it’s only anxiety 

The other night I was sitting in urgent care dealing with things I know absolutely nothing about. But since we were there for hours and there’s really no privacy with just those curtains I had ample opportunity to listen in on the complaints of the woman in the bed next to us. 

As soon as I heard her listing her symptoms I thought I know what her issue is. She was in convinced she was having a heart attack or something similar. Chest pain, dizziness, shaking, feeling off, difficulty focusing mentally. As she was listing these symptoms I remembered a time where I too sat alone in urgent care convinced I was dying. 

It’s a terrible feeling. 

Panic attack. 

The nurse gave her some ideas of how to deal. Cut back to one cup of coffee or tea a day. Herbal tea is fine. She asked about green tea and was told that was fine too. That was when I wanted to leap through the curtain and talk to her. Because green tea is not herbal and that caffeine is enough to trigger more anxiety.  She finished with and lose 5-10 pounds   That will help with your high blood pressure. Which, while that may be true isn’t what you need to hear while in the middle of a panic attack. 

When I started studying Ayurveda I was one hot mess of anxiety. It wasn’t pretty and I was barely able to function. Over the past couple of years I have turned into a better version of myself (Melissa 2.0) and have been able to handle things I never thought possible. 

Here’s what I would like to have said to that poor lady. 

Sleep. Make sure you’re getting a good night’s sleep. Even if it means giving up doing other things you like to do. Get to bed by 9. Be asleep by 10. Sleep until at least 6    It’s when your body heals and restores itself. Honour this time. 

Nap. Napping isn’t generally recommended in Ayurveda, but there are certain circumstances when it is encouraged. When I was in the worst of my anxiety I was so run down I had no reserves left. I used to have a cup of tea every afternoon when I would crash. I switched that for a 20-30 minute nap during my healing phase. It was a game changer. 

Caffeine.  Give it up. Seriously. After a while you won’t miss it (as much). I really noticed how it triggered my anxiety. While you’re at it give up booze. It tricks you into feeling like it relaxes you when really it causes more anxiety. 

Get out in nature. My daily walks along the river in Roanoke literally saved my life. It was a peaceful, quiet time with no distractions. I went electronic free and just relaxed into enjoying the water, the birds, and my dog. 

Be picky about what you put in your brain   I used to love watching Law and Order and other crime shows. About 4 years ago I started being much more careful about the types of shows I watched and the types of books I read. While in anxious mode it was much, much better to be putting happy thoughts into my head. Hence my current obsession with The Golden Girls. 

Clear the toxic people out of your life. I know, easier said than done. But sometimes there are people who seem to feed off your anxiety. Who seem to feel a stronger sense of power when you are anxious and insecure. There are people who are carrying so much of their own baggage they are happy to dump their negativity on you. People with no boundaries who would rather bring you down than lift you up. Be a good friend, surround yourself with good friends. 

Find your bliss. Easy right? Maybe for some people. I’m 44 and still wonder what I’ll be when I grow up. But a few years ago I read a book by Steven Cope (from Kriplau) called The Great Work Of Your Life   It started me on the path of actively finding my bliss. I find it in my Ayurvedic studies, in my yoga, in my writing, in my time with my kids. It hasn’t made me a millionaire yet, but I’m sure a lot happier following my heart. 

Listen to your intuition. How many times in life I’ve done things that go against what I believe is right to try and make someone else happy. In the end, without fail, it not only makes me miserable – but the person I’m trying to please is never satisfied either. 

Breathe. Seriously. Just stop and breathe. But the best method I’ve found for an instant anxiety cure is alternate nostril breathing. Use your thumb and ring finger to cover each nostril. Release the thumb, breathe in, cover nostril again. Release the ring finger, breathe out. Breathe in on the same side, cover nostril. Keep alternating. Do it for a few minutes or until you feel calmer. I’ve done it for a good 20 minutes before. It’s very relaxing. 

Have faith that you are worth it. My pastor continuously says you are a loved child of God. No matter what your beliefs understand that you have value and you are ok just the way you are. 

Happiness moment of the day: hiding in the corner of the grocery store with the kids pretending to look at cake and giggling while downloading and updating our mobile devices. This is what happens when you finish shopping before updating. Life without wifi makes one resourceful.

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💤💤💤💤 nap time 💤💤💤

In my Ayurvedic course we had a discussion about kids with ADD and how sometimes being chronically sleep deprived presents the same symptoms   

We discussed how kids will sometimes use electronics to stmulate their brains to stay awake when they naturally would want to fall asleep. I agreed with this theory but kind of out it out of my mind   

This morning I woke up at 5   I got up , had breakfast and some tea, and sat in my chair reading for a while. I soon discovered that I was exhausted and that no one wanted or need anything from me in that particular moment. I headed back up to bed for the most delicious nap. 

Usually in Ayurveda they say not to nap during the day, but there are certain circumstances where it is recommended and right now I fit quite a few of them. There has been so much going on that I’m physically and mentally exhausted. 

So I slept. And it was awesome. And when I woke again two hours later (giggle) I felt ready to take on the world. 

I realized when I woke up that had we had a tv here I probably would have plunked in front of it and not napped when I obviously really needed to. I can see how it adds to sleep deprivation. 

It was the beginning of the happiness moment of my day. It actually set me up for my happiness moment which happened tonight while walking with the kids and the dogs 

      

It also kind of happened earlier today at Target with Jacob. Man, he’s a funny kid  

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Almond milk

I decided to learn to make almond milk. It’s super easy and super yummy

Soak almonds in water overnight. 

  

Peel them

   

Put in blender with 4 cups of water

  

Strain with cheesecloth

 

 Keep in glass jar with lid in the fridge 

  

But first heat up a cup (And one to share) and add a bit of maple syrup. Drink right before bed. 

 

The second time I did this I only mixes them with 2 cups water because it was a hot mess with all 4  then I added the other 2 cups after. I also strained with a small holed strainer. Much less messy than the cheese cloth

The happiness moment for the day is sitting down with my almond  milk before bed. 

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An Ayurvedic Consultation

Nourish, Vitality, Excitement, Desire

Those are my new life-loving words.

Today I had an Ayurvedic consultation with Asrael from Ananda Ayurveda. She’s the same lady who teaches my Healing Light Yoga Therapy classes and it has been so uplifting for my soul to have had her come into my life.

~ As a side note, as soon as I got on my Google Hangout chat with her my cat Ella came running from the other side of the house to stick her head in the computer and see “the yoga lady”. Ella spends a lot of time hanging out with me during classes and I guess was excited to see what was going to happen today.~

It was amazing. I wish I’d done this sooner, but I’m thankful I did it now. It was good to know that a lot of the things I’ve been feeling about what’s going on with me were in fact steps in the right direction. To find out that what I’m learning and trying to apply is actually working was pretty heart warming.

Of course there is a lot I don’t know and so to have her start to fill in some of the blank spaces fills me with gratitude. It was so wonderful to have someone sit down and walk through where I’m at and how I’m doing physically, spiritually, and energetically. To have someone hold my hand and help guide me down the path that I feel like I’ve been walking blindfolded and trying to peek out the corners feels like a weight being lifted off my shoulders (and my lower back and hips).

I now have better ideas on how to ground and nourish my self. How to regain my center of balance and power up that strength.

Interestingly, one of the things she suggested I do is to start Morning Pages which I did years ago after going to a course led by Julia Cameron at Kripalu. I did them faithfully for about 2 years, when I loved doing them and when I hated doing them. Then as I really got into those dark night of the soul times I quit doing them because they made me angry and upset. Ironically had I kept doing them I probably could have worked a lot of that junk out because that is the point of having all those feelings in morning pages. But, I couldn’t deal with that then. So now here I am…. back to Morning Pages. Great…. (it is great. It will be a good thing, it just won’t always feel like a good thing)

That was my happiness moment. I highly recommend doing it if you are able. It’s a wonderful way to be able to discover more healthful ways to live life. And think…. soon I will be able to give guidance similar to this to other people! It’s life-changing!

My other, naughtier, yummier, less Ayurvedic happiness moment came later when we went out for supper and I had this big old piece of chocolate cake for dessert. Oh, yummmmmm!!!!

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Cilantro mint chutney and 44 days of happiness

In Ayurveda chutneys are the appetizers of the meal. Which makes sense if you think about the word “appetizer” – something to increase appetite. Not a mini meal before you have your main meal. They help both improve digestion and the absorption of your food, and can be specialized to nurture the different doshas.

There are many different recipes for this chutney. I seem to always make it with just 4 ingredients: fresh cilantro, fresh mint, a hot pepper, and fresh squeezed lemon.

I used 2 bunches of cilantro and 2 small packages of mint. I can’t wait until they’re growing outside instead of me having to buy them.

pretty, pretty….

Wash all ingredients, make sure you just have mint leaves – take them off the stems –  and put them in a blender. I used to use my Cuisinart food processor, but I found that the little green specks were impossible to get out of all the little nooks and crannies. So, I now use my blender. I have to cut up the cilantro and then add things bit by bit or it takes forever to blend up.

Once it’s all blended, put in a glass dish – enjoy!!

Today is day 44 of the 44 days of happiness. My happy moment came while I was driving kids from doing recycling to drop off a form at the library. Jacob was reading the form – it was for a teen night and so I had filled out his information – and he said “why did you put M as my grade?” Well, I had read it as gender, so I put M for male. But, since the three of us are huge Goldbergs fans I said “The M is for moron” (because that’s what the dad is always calling everyone – it’s how he says I love you). We started laughing so hard I had to pull the car over because I couldn’t see to drive (thankfully we were at a light). Those spontaneous belly laughs are what it’s all about!

I was thinking about my 44 days of happiness yesterday while I was out for my walk. This mini-journey has brought so much to my life. We have lived in such stress and chaos for so long that it was really easy to focus on that part of life. Which is a shame when there still are so many awesome things happening every minute. Finding one thing that made me happy every day has made me an overall happier person. I laugh more, I play more, I have more patience with the kids, I talk with friends more, I even lost some weight – clothes that haven’t fit for ages are fitting again. I’ve also been doing yoga much more regularly and that is so blissful for my body and soul. I’m 4 weeks into a 6 weeks course on Healing Light Yoga Therapy which is led by Asreal Zemenick. This session is about addictions and letting go of old beliefs and patterns, and man do I have some old beliefs and patterns that need to be let go. I hadn’t realized how addicting those ways of thinking could actually be. But learning to let go of what no longer serves me is life changing to say the least.

Overall I’d say that the 44 days of happiness has made me a better version of me.

I realized while walking that I was just starting to hit my stride with this whole happiness thing and that just ending it could very easily turn my focus back onto those things that cause me stress. And I don’t want to do that.

So, I have decided that in order for my 44th year to be a year of happiness, I need to continue to look for the happiness in every single day. Why not? I’ve had lots of years where the focus has been on  stress and anxiety and unease (no wonder my Vata is all upset) – why not have a year of happiness? It goes along with my intention of the path of least resistance and obviously I’ve intended on keeping this going from its conception as is evident in my birthday post.

So, now that I’m 44 and 44 days old I can say that I’m thankful that this year is off to such a blessed start. I feel happier and more blissful than ever.

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ayurveda, cooking, happiness, recipes

Churna time and a day of bliss

I finally got to making my kapha churna. I’ve mentioned it the past couple of days when I posted recipes for saag and for kitchari.

A churna is a mixture of different dry herbs and spices and is used frequently in Ayurvedic cooking. Ayurvedic churnas combine all six of the ayurvedic tastes: sweet, sour, salty, pungent, bitter, and astringent. While it enhances the flavour of a dish, each one of the spices has it’s own medicinal properties. They can be sprinkled onto or cooked into any dish, however for better absorption they can be sauteed in ghee before being added to the dish.

Here are the ingredients for a kapha churna (from Eat, Taste, Heal)
Ingredients:

  • 1 tbl. fenugreek seeds
  • 2 tbl. whole coriander seeds
  • 1 tbl. ground ginger
  • 1 tbl. whole cumin seeds
  • 1 tbl. ground turmeric
  • 1 tbl. ground cinnamom
  • 1 tsp. ground clove
  • ½ tsp. cayenne pepper or chili powder

Preparation:

1.      Put all ingredients in an electric grinder or spice mill and grind them.
2.      Store in airtight container such as a glass jar.

Don’t the spices look pretty? Jenna stood over the plate and smelled and smelled and said how wonderful they were.


  Put them in a coffee/spice grinder and grind until fine

 

Place the churna in an airtight glass container.

Enjoy!!

My moment of happiness on day 42 of the 44 days was more like a full day of happiness. I was trying to figure out what the best part of the day was, but honestly this entire day has been one of happiness. I’ve noticed that as I’ve spent these past 42 days really focusing on happy things that more and more happiness is coming into my life.

This is how the morning started

When there is a sunrise or a sunset that is this fabulous I always imagine God dancing around like an excited 4 year old saying “look what I did!! Look!! Isn’t it beautiful? Look!! Stop and pay attention!!!”

So I did. I sat with my cup of tea and watched the sunrise with the dog and the cat ignoring each other on either side of me. As the rays moved on, Ella and I went and played our game of fetch. The colours from the sunrise were still coming in the window and they lit her up. She looked so pretty.

Before church I met a friend at Mill Mountain Coffee and we sat outside (outside!!) and had a wonderful visit in a sunbeam.

I didn’t have to teach children’s chapel so I got to sit in through the entire service which was led by the kids. It was a joyful service.

Jacob and I took a church selfie. Is this ok to do? Probably not.

I ran into  friend I haven’t seen in a few months. After losing a child late in pregnancy she and her husband have a wonderful, beautiful adopted son. Joy! Joy! Joy!

We drove to the Co op after church and we could see buds (buds!!! Spring!!!) on the trees.

I had a nap. An awesome, blissful, middle of the day nap (Jenna was at a sleepover last night and I had to check my phone 10,000,000 times at night to make sure she hadn’t called as she sometimes does).
It’s 7:15 and it’s still light out! I love daylight savings time!
Sunday Funday
 
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