Tag Archives: faith

happiness

Third chakra stuff 

I did some Healing Light Yoga today focusing on the third chakra. I did this a week or so ago and it made me realize some pretty amazing things about my emotional energy. This time was probably as profound, but in a totally different way. 

I love that somehow I have ended up in this place where I can really play with how this energy works. It’s something I’ve always been aware of, but have been so in awe and uncertain of it. I’ve been kind of afraid to experiment  much with what that energy can do until now. 

Feeling the different energies move and shift as I worked with them today was my moment of happiness. It’s all part of this Ayurvedic healing journey and I’m so grateful for I’m on it. 

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Changing the rules 

I’ve been having a discussion lately with someone who has been making me think really hard about all of the rules, barriers, and safety measures I’ve had to put in place over the last few years to make myself feel safe. It’s been feeling for a few months like big things were changing and shifting in how I live my life and I’m starting to realize that it’s time to shake up those old, no longer needed rules. 

The fact that I’m secure, happy, and grounded enough now to even be able to consider shifting old beliefs that are no longer serving me is a happiness moment beyond what I can even begin to describe. It’s led me to an entirely different and more exciting way of looking at things. It’s pretty cool. 

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Sitting with the memories 

Today Dad would have turned 76. I still can’t believe it’s been a year and a half since he died – I keep expecting him to walk in the door like he was just away on a trip somewhere. Except Dad would have never, ever gone away for so long and left us behind if he hadn’t been called by God.

I’ve been sitting with the memories of Dad today, it’s been a bittersweet happiness moment, but I wouldn’t trade my memories for anything. I really didn’t realize until much later in life how extremely fortunate I was to have been gifted the Dad that I had. I grew up kind of assuming that every father was as involved in the lives of their children as my Dad was.

I have a lifetime of memories of Dad being such a strong influence in my life. He made sure we went outside and played hard, he often got up at the crack of dawn and caught nasty ponies for us to take to shows, he taught us not only work ethic – but how important it is to love what you do, he showed me how important it was to live with integrity, he showed me what it was like to live life with an open and loving heart.

I miss him so much. I miss him for me, but even more I miss him for my kids who really, really need to have the influence of a man like he was. And then I realize I can still show them that through stories of what he was like, they have their memories, and they understand that we live our lives with love and integrity because that is how he taught us to be.

What a legacy to leave behind – how amazing to have so many people whose lives he touched, who miss him, who love him. It makes me really think about the kind of person I want to be and how I want to be remembered. It is so important to live life being true to my values and my heart. I’m so grateful that God opens doors for me, and that He closes some doors for my own protection.

My dad……..

 

he was allergic to horses, and I’m not even sure how much he really liked them, but he sure spent a lot of time around them because of his daughters. 

there are so many memories of him reading to us in this old (maybe even corduroy?) chair. When he was done he would grab us and make many failed attempts at hauling us all up. It always resulted in giggles and in us pleading for more. And you see – there he is with Torts the cat, whom he was deathly allergic to and yet loved so much.

always the first kid down the hill

teaching his grandson to skate on the slough. I have many childhood memories of skating around this slough with Dad – it was so fun….

If you were looking for Dad, you could always find him doing whatever the kids were doing. Actually, usually he was the one dreaming up the fun.

I love this photo. Jacob and my Dad had such a special bond. 

teaching Jacob how to ski – these poor Southern children had to be taught all about snow every Christmas.

Probably the thing Dad loved the most was being at the creek. I think he would have spent the entire summer there if he could have. 

You can’t see him, but this was his greatest Dad/Grandparent trick of all. Flipping kids over on their rafts – he was known by the grandchildren as the Creek Monster. This always brought shrieks of laughter. 

Happy Birthday Dad. We all miss you so much.

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Walking with the swans 

It was another beautiful afternoon here and I took full advantage of it by taking my Dotted Dog out for a walk. 

The swans were all over the place – lots of them on the slough, but also many of them flying around. They would circle around and around me while  I was walking, and of course that made me think of Dad. 

I’m sure he’s with me more right now as we get closer to his birthday. The change of seasons also has me thinking of him as well. But the swans were always his thing. He used to take us out there when we were little to look at them, and sent me so many photos of them in later years. 

I found some of his swan photos in my email. He was such a talanted photographer and  his photos are a wonderful legacy left for us to remember him by. 

Thankfully we don’t have all this snow now, but it’s a fantastic shot he took 

One of my favorites 

This is how they were circling over my head today. 
It was a happiness moment that brought me close to my Dad today as I walked with the swans. I miss him so much – i miss him even more because my kids needed him so badly. But there’s a reason for everything and above all I have faith. 

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Faith can move mountains 

Today I told my faith story to someone for the first time. It was so different to tell it from that perspective, I’ve thought of it privately as a story of faith for sometime, but I’ve never really shared it in that context before. Telling it as a journey of faith, instead of a time of trauma,  made me realize it’s time to tell it like that more. Time to tell how God came and healed my life at a time when I felt I was completely broken, shattered, left lying on the ground. I’m not broken anymore, and although I didn’t realize it until recently,  I don’t think I ever was. What I was was just really hurt and lost.

The last couple of years have consisted of a series of miracles for me, the only time the miracles stopped was when I ignored my faith, my intuition, the voice of God. This summer, after months of standing firmly in my faith, in my trust, in my love,  I stopped listening to that voice and found myself once again a hot mess. It was a good reminder that I always need that time to connect with my Source, I need to listen to that intuition (which for me is the voice of God), I need to honour how I function in my faith. If I don’t, I feel all out of sorts and it takes me a really long time to figure out what is wrong (because I’m not connected to my Source anymore and I can’t find my balance – when I can’t find my balance I’m screwed).

Telling my story today in the context of faith really helped remind me of how far I’ve come on my spiritual journey. I think I’ve always had faith on an abstract level, but when I fell to the floor in despair a few years ago – having tried to fix my life myself – and finally handed everything over to God, everything changed for me. Suddenly things that seemed impossible started happening all over the place in my life. Small miracles, big miracles, things were changing and I was filled with love and gratitude for all I was being blessed with.

In the past couple of months I’ve got my spiritual groove back and everything is falling into place again. In fact new, really big, cool, things are starting to take shape and I love that. What I do know for certain is that I have to keep myself focused on having faith in order for these things to keep on happening. Faith is what grounds me, what gives me wings, what shapes me, what drives me. Faith not only moves mountains, it brought me back home to mine.

Tonight I was out on my walk and I was thinking about God and dad and my faith journey. I had a memory of a moment a few days before dad’s death when my mom, dad, sister, and I were all sitting quietly in the sunroom. In those last days there was a real awareness that there were not going to be very more moments left for the original four to have time together. I sighed and said out loud to God that I really missed those times of my original family being together. I looked up and circling around the slough were four swans. Something about them made me think of our original four and it made me smile. It was a moment of happiness brought together by a day of deep introspection about what my faith is and how it has shaped my life.

Then of course, because I’m me, about 10 minutes further down the road – at the spot where it seems I am prone to these types of meltdowns – I had a full out yelling session at God. I wasn’t even aware that I had these issues pent up inside of me – and honestly when I was done I was pretty glad that I live in the middle of nowhere so no one else had to witness that. But, I have to say  that for me those moments of breakdown yelling at God are often the most healing and productive ones.

I often wonder what it’s like for those people who talk best to God on their knees, heads bent in prayer. I’ve never been able to pray when other people are around, and I don’t think I could even pray like I was taught we should. I just go out in a field and chatter away to God about everything and anything. I talk, I laugh, I cry, I yell, I ask, I give thanks, I do it all.  I think it comes from the hours spent in those same fields on the back of a horse – which was how I first found my spiritual connection – it seems to still be the most effective method for me.

What I am discovering is that even though I’ve got a whirlwind of things going on, even though there’s so much that is uncertain, even though I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, the fact that I’m learning to walk deep in my faith allows me to say it is well with my soul. 

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Old town

I had an afternoon in town today that reminded me of how Cochrane used to be – you know, when going to town was a social event and you knew almost every person you came across.

I had tea with members of my tribe – soul sisters really. I don’t remember meeting them, they’ve just always been part of the extended family of loved ones. It is such a blessing to have these people who we can go years (in this case a year – it took us a year to get together again!) without seeing but when we get back together it’s like no time has passed. Well, except for the fact that we have to all talk like mad to catch each other up on what has happened. And the little time we had today was not nearly enough for that. Still, we laughed and shared in our precious time. That was happiness.

What a great thing  – to have a visit and to know that we have to do it again soon because there’s still so much more to share and laugh about (it’s a bonus that we all agreed that we have to be home in bed by 9 which seriously limits our social availability. I love that my people sleep). That will be more happiness.

On the way home I skidded into an old friend riding her horse down the road. I had an impromptu visit with her which came with the added bonus of her offering me a horse to ride, and a reminder of her offer to give riding lessons to Jenna. Horses… yay!!! Friends…… bigger yay! Bonus happiness.

I’m so grateful that we have this tribe of people around us. Sometimes life gets overwhelming and really difficult and I feel all alone, but then I look around and remember I’m surrounded by all of these amazing people.  I’ve learned that sometimes you need to walk away and sometimes you need to stand strong and fight your battles. I’m thankful that I don’t have to do it alone.

 

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Walk of faith 

Last summer I was outside in the yard playing with my sister, her kids, and my kids. When it was time to come back in the house, my sister stood and held the kitchen door open so my (then) 4 year old niece could come inside.

Instead of walking through the open door, S stood just outside and stressed about the fact that she was fearful that her mommy would shut the door on her. In the stubborn way that only little kids can have she stood there refusing to move, all the while saying that she doubted that her mommy would keep the door open for her.

My sister explained to her (several times) that she would never shut the door on her, asked her had she ever not been there for her when S needed her? She would never hurt her, S knew that she could trust her, and she was her mom and she loved her very much.

Yet still, this little girl doubted this loving being who had never shown her anything besides safe, caring, unconditional, protective love.

When S finally pranced safely through the door, I turned to my sister and said do you ever think that’s how God feels about us? He’s never given us any reason to doubt him, He’s always protected us and loved us, and yet we seem to question Him every step of the way.

It’s kind of stood out to me as an important reminder that I can and should trust that He is walking beside me, is loving me, and is holding the door open for me all I have to do is walk through it.

Apparently because I felt like crying this afternoon, I spent some time going through old emails that my Dad had sent me. He used to send me some really thoughtful comments about my blog, and his messages were always so full of love and support. So, I cried because I miss him, I cried because we didn’t come home sooner, I cried because I feel like I’ve let my kids down.

But, in all that crying, I came across an email sent by my dad which included a photo he titled “the door waiting to be opened“. He said:

the caption that hit me for this photo is “the door waiting to be opened”. I realize that it’s not the initial object the eye focuses on, but as I was taking the photo (in the middle of apple blossoms with the trunk of the aging apple tree in front of me) that was the message that came to me.

I kind of feel like I’ve been standing outside waiting for the door to be opened, when in reality it’s been open all the time just waiting for me to walk through it. It’s that whole having faith that as I walk through it, knowing that it won’t get slammed on me. And while people can be really good at slamming doors, I have no reason to believe that He who has led me so patiently on this path would do anything besides hold my hand as I walk through it.

 

I shared this story in a small group this morning at church. Starting to really own and understand the strength in my faith – that’s my happiness moment. Starting to walk through the door – that’s me walking into my dharma, my bliss, my love.

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Absolutely nothing 

I’m lying here in the hammock in our yard staring up at the big old trees. I came out to put away all the outdoor furniture. But since it’s 20C and the 5th of November i. Alberta, I succumbed to the call of the hammock. 

I was looking at our old house. There’s so much history in those walls, in this yard. It’s where my family started building a life in Alberta a hundred and thirtyish years ago. 

I love that after all of our time  of uncertainty, of feeling ungrounded that this is where we were brought to heal and get strong  again 

Jacob looked out the window of his bedroom and waved at me. I realized that he and his great grandfather who were born 98 years apart both spent parts of their childhood surrounded by the walls of this home. 

The great thing about a beautiful day like this where I have accomplished absolutely nothing is that it has given me time to reflect on where we are, where I want to see us go, how grateful I am for all that God has provided for us, and how incredibly fortunate we are to be part of this tribe. 

It is what happiness moments are all about 

Sunrise from our front yard. 

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God and the moon

On the way home from town Jacob and I got into a big God talk. I love talking God with that kid because he feels Him from his heart in the same way I do. Having spent time trying to talk God with someone who only gets things from their head recently, I found it refreshing to have deep talks with sowmone who feels things the same way I do. Not that different perspectives aren’t a good thing, but that one just confirmed for me that feeling God from my heart is the best way for me to go. 

As we were mid talk, Jacob was really letting go on some of his beliefs, we looked west and saw the beauty in the end of the day. It was so amazing we had to pull over and sit and admire it for a while. Which of course led to a moment of gratitude for that God whom we were talking about – he makes some pretty cool art. 


Sitting with the boy, enjoying the last rays of light was an awesome happiness moment. 

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Here I am

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Something has shifted over the weekend. I think one of the coolest things about really big changes is that usually I never see them coming – suddenly they’re just there.

I think it started at the horse show on Friday. I was reminded what a powerful force horses are in my life. They’ve always been my spiritual gateway to God. All of the searching I’ve done for peace, love, and happiness in the last few years I always had organically when I was with one of my beloved horses.

I held onto those feelings as I headed to church Sunday when all of the pieces seemed to fall together for me. I spoke with one of the ministers there about this fantastic idea I have to help celebrate every child, it’s starting to take shape and I’m really excited about the happiness it can bring to someone in need of a smile.

I said yesterday that I needed to sit with my feelings about my group and about the sermon. I lay in bed for a long time trying to quietly listen, asking what it was I needed to let go of in order to be able to allow my gifts to shine. I woke up this morning with the hymn Here I am Lord playing in my head. I have not listened to this song for years, I can only assume that God put it there for me to hear.

It all clicked. I’ve been struggling with letting go, with surrendering, with allowing – but what I never, ever did was just stop and say here I am Lord. Here I am, right now in this moment, I am here and I am listening. I am ready to do what You want me to do. And I actually am now ready to do what He tells me to do. I’ve tried all the other roads, I’ve tried to do it myself. It does not work. I am here, I am ready, I am listening. I’ll do it, I’ll show up. Just let me know what to do, where to go, I’m there.

I downloaded the song on Spotify (here it is on Youtube) and listened to it a few times this morning. The sense of peace that came to me was almost overwhelming. That was the peace I’ve been looking for all along. It was inside me, just waiting for me to be ready.

There’s going to be a lot of happiness later on today with Halloween. We are gathering with part of the tribe at my cousin’s house to celebrate the candyfest. Never, ever should the power of that tribe be underestimated – they are the wind beneath my wings. But, this moment of happiness deserves special recognition as well. This huge shift as a different kind of understanding has been brought to my soul.

Here I am Lord, Is it I, Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night. 
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

The photo at the top was one taken by my Dad. He was such a guiding force on my spiritual journey, I miss our talks but I know he’s close by still holding me through it all. I feel like the butterfly, I’ve undergone such a powerful transformation over these past few years. 

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