Tag Archives: faith

happiness

Integration 

I had some work done today that kind of brought together all the energy stuff I’ve been doing over the last week. I have an awesome massage therapist in town, and ages ago I had made an appointment for today. It just so happened to line up nicely after all the unplanned energy work that has been presented to me. 

Cranial sacral therapy has always worked wonders for my body, but it’s never quite done what it did for me today. Of course, the last time I did it was 13+ years ago and I was not at all aware of my mind body connection.  It was like magic. I was lying there thinking hmmmm it’s not really doing much and then my whole body would go all tingly and I could feel things shift all over the place both energetically and physically. It happened several times, and was pretty wild. 

The Prana Vata issue I’ve been having of my mind racing vanished during my session. A few times I was bombarded by thoughts and then with the crazy tingle there would be what felt like a giant eraser go through my mind and the thoughts would be all gone. Then I was left lying there wondering what was I just thinking about? I have no clue. Even now I can’t remember, but the racing in my mind remains gone. Better step up then meditation to keep this on track. It’s awesome. 

I’m not totally sure what’s going on, but I know the last month or so have been full of huge shifts and changes. And as the universe always does, things have been lining up like magic to make it happen. It’s awesome and it’s my happiness moment. 

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happiness

Let it be

I made a decision today to change how I’m doing things. 

I’ve been working hard (with varying success) on letting go, but I read an article that convinced me that John Lennon had it right and instead I should let it be. 

Often when I’m letting go I’m trying to push things out, to make them not there. Instead I think I need to let them be. Honor the fact that they are there, that things have happened that have shaped me into who I am – good and bad – and let them be. Not change it, not dwell in it, not push it away or deny it. Just acknowledge it and let it be. 

I’m changing the rules of the game so that they work better for my new life. Happiness. Pure and raw. 

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Peace is always a heart issue

Yesterday at the end of my transformational acupuncture session, I experienced a moment where I felt like I was coming home in my body. I don’t know how else to describe it, except as a moment of deep inner peace unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. A few minutes (seconds… who knows?) into my experience the man guiding me said this resonates as the vibration for the sound om – which can bring you home.

It made me realize how long it’s been since I’ve truly felt at peace, safe and secure in my own body, in my own life. Now that I’ve experienced that feeling I want it all the time! The good thing is at least I now have a memory to reference to, something that I can draw on as I’m feeling my way towards peace.

Because God always brings things to me as I need them, the sermon today at church was all about peace. Timely eh?

So, here’s what I learned:

Peace is always a heart issue

When I’m struggling to find peace, when I feel that I have been robbed of peace,  I need to stop and ask where is my heart? Who has my heart? The answer will tell me all I need to know, and what I  need to do because I cannot know God’s peace until I have surrendered my heart to God.

It’s all about that trust issue. I just need to trust God – He’s got my back. And I know this. In my darkest times, when I have needed him the most, I have felt His presence so strongly. He has saved me from some really nasty shit.

It’s also a heart issue. Fortunately the past couple of years I’ve been working hard on reconnecting with my heart, learning to trust it again, learning to flow from it again, learning to connect to others with it again.

It’s a fear issue. The pastor pointed out that in the moments when I have not trusted God, when I’m not feeling peace at any level, it’s because I’m afraid of something. Which is totally true. I spent so long being so afraid of everything that I stopped trusting. When my trust was betrayed over and over again by someone I loved and whom I had put my faith in, I stopped trusting not only in him, but also in myself and sometimes in God. I don’t need to trust Mr. X ever again, but I’ll never be at peace if I don’t trust myself and if I don’t trust and have faith in God. So, I will.

We came home from church and there was finally enough snow to play in. The kids pulled out their sleds and we enjoyed one of the best things about winter at the ranch. It was sheer happiness listening to them laugh as they flew along on their sleds.

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Transformational healing

I am blessed in that I am surrounded by a community of amazing healers. New ones keep entering my life at every step of my growth and what is happening is pretty awesome.

Today I had an appointment with someone who does transformational acupuncture. I don’t even know how to begin to describe the session, but it opened up a whole new path on my healing journey. It made me aware of issues that I’ve been dealing (and not dealing) with for years, it gave me some awareness of how to embrace them and how to work with them.

He kind of “Yoda’d me” with some wisdom. Some very obvious wisdom, but sometime I really need things dumbed down and said very plainly so that I can see how obvious it is.

We were talking about my life over the last few years and the journey of healing and growth that I have been on as a result of it. He pointed out (which I was aware of) that maybe the pain and dark times was to let me know for certain that I needed to strengthen my relationship with God, to walk His path, and to trust in my faith. That faith part has been a big deal the last couple of years. I really have learned that when I trust and have faith in God that he always comes through for me – maybe not in the way I had intended, but always in the way that is best.

But then he said that I needed to be really clear about how I was looking at things. Like when Yoda said do or do not, there is no try – he pointed out that I either have faith or I don’t, that I either am happy or I’m not. There’s no in between. If I say I’m seeking happiness, then I’m not happy. If I’m happy, I’m enjoying my life of happiness, sitting in that moment with it, not seeking it because it is already with me. Same thing with faith – I either have faith that God has a plan for me and that I’m walking a spiritual path with Him, or I have doubt that I’m doing the wrong thing and that He does not have my back. I’ve been filled with doubt – even when I’ve been focusing on my faith. My brain loves to grab all of the what ifs and go crazy with them.

And why do I not always have faith? I know to the core of my soul that God has been holding my hand and walking me through this tornado of pain and emotions that has been raging around me. I feel His love, I know He is there for me. Why do I sit in doubt and fear when happiness and faith is an option? He is offering me peace in the storm and I so often choose to stand fearfully alone in the turmoil.

Seriously. It’s so simple and yet SO  hard.

But, now I am aware of that and my intention is to walk in faith, in happiness, and in peace. I know what it feels like and I believe that we were meant to have both in this life.

And THAT is my happiness moment.  


 

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Because he’s a good person

I had the nicest compliment paid to me about my boy today. I took Jenna to see my friend T who styles our hair and she had buzzed Jacob yesterday while I was off doing other things with the girl. 

T told me that she’d tried to grab Jacob to give him a hug yesterday as he was leaving because she had so enjoyed their conversation and wanted to wish him a merry Christmas she said that she had been amazed – the first thing he did when he sat in her chair was ask her how she and her boyfriend were doing. T  was amazed at how he had remembered things about her life and seemed so genuinely interested  in how she was doing. 

We agreed that while that quality was rare in anyone these days, it was even more rare in a 15 year old boy. He has always been a sensitive soul, but I’m sure that all the crap he’s been through in the past few years had made him even more aware of the feelings of others. I was so proud and so happy that he shows his tenderness and compassion so freely to those in his circle. It’s a good soul that kid has and I love that he shines it out to the world. It was beyond a moment of happines and. I will cherish that in my heart for a long time to come. 

I also had an energy session with Asrael today and a she helped me shift around so much. The sessions are always so powerful, but I really feel right now like I’m in a significant transformational period in my life. I’m grateful because suddenly I’ve had a succession of healers line up to help me as I’m learning how to get through this phase. It’s one that I believe will bring so much healing and personal power, but it’s sure unknown territory. The gift of Asrael in my life and the healing she assists me with brings me deep gratitude and happiness. 

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Walk through it

The best way out is always through (Robert Frost).

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about when to fight and when to walk. Is the passive approach the way to peace? I used to believe the best way to actually resolve things was to choose the passive, not confrontational approach. I’m changing my stance on that. This has been one of the great lessons of 2016 for me. 

A month or so ago I was reading the Bhagavad Gita and totally understood why Arjuna was struggling to understand why he had to fight. I spent some time really thinking about that and what situations warranted a battle. Were there situations that warranted a battle? For the last few days The Coward of the County has found its way onto my Spotify playlist. I hadn’t listened to that song in years. And suddenly there it was – explaining that sometimes you had to stand and fight. Life lessons from the Bhagavad Gita and Kenny Rogers. 

Jacob has been struggling with some kids at school – mostly regular teen stuff – so I made him listen to the song. Now it’s on his playlist and he’s really diving into  the question of when it is time to fight and when it is time to walk away. 

I don’t think fighting always has to be a bloodbath. But sometimes you need to stand up for what you believe is right. You have to stand up to protect the ones that you love. You have to stand up to find your self-respect. 

Or at least I need to.

Robert Frost is absolutely correct. The best way out is always through. I’m going to make sure I walk through this, that I heal through this, that I stand up for myself through this. But also that I get through this. I refuse to get stuck in it. It’s not who I am, it’s something I’m going through. It’s changing me, but not defining me. 

I am going to come out of it so much stronger, kinder, braver, and with such a greater understanding of who I am and what I want. 

Today was a beautiful morning. It was cold as you know what out, but Jenna got up before 7 and headed to the barn with her cousin to feed Derek. I love the compassion and responsibility this is teaching her. I had to stop twice on the way home to look at the amazing sunrise. I feel so blessed that this is where we are. I feel Gods love so strongly for us, and the love and support of our tribe is unbelievable. We are fortunate souls. The sunrise, the strength, the faith, the hope for better things coming our way – my happiness moment.  

The view on the way home

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Know your worth


One really positive thing that has come out of the shit storm that has been 2016 is that I have finally discovered my worth. I found it in the parking lot at Winners when someone told me very clearly how very little value they felt I had. I remember standing there thinking – wow, I can’t believe you think you’re too good for me – and also – just because you see so little value in me does not make that true. In fact, as I processed it over the next few days I realized how much I have come to know my own worth. It actually became much less about that person, or any other person, and a real celebration as I understood how far I have come on my healing journey.
It may sound small, but after years and years of being devalued I had started to believe that in fact I had very little worth. It has taken what feels like forever to build that back up and remember that I have so much to give, so much to share, and if someone else does not see that then that is really their loss.

Today was one of those less than enjoyable days in this process of the divorce where I was once again shown that truth is immaterial and respect and kindness are non-existent. The difference between now and February when I first started discovering some hidden truths, is that I know my own value now. It still hurts, and I still get really pissed off. But how he feels and what he says is not a reflection of who I really am. I’ve remembered I’ve got some mad inner strength and I can handle whatever is put my way.

One time when I was about 19 I was out riding Rolex. He was still green and loved to buck, especially when we were out on a hack. He got a little excited and gave a big buck that sent me sailing over his head. I realized mid air that I still was holding onto the reins. I suddenly got incredibly angry that he was turfing me and I was going to have to walk back to the barn by myself. I gripped onto the reins with all my strength and had a death lock on them when I landed. He freaked out and started running, dragging me swearing and screaming along on the ground. Eventually he stopped, I got up, cursed at him a little more, got back on, and rode home.

It’s like that now. I’ve got the death lock on and I’m really determined.

Having rediscovered who I am – it’s not only my happiness moment today, but it’s a gift  that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

 

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The Boys

I shared some time today with two of my favourite boys.

After dropping the monsters off at school, I walked into the field and had some cuddle time with Derek. I have no idea why I feel this bond with this guy – being that I’m more than a little afraid of the bovine species – but man I love him. I think it’s because he was born into such tough circumstances, and not only survived but flourished despite the odds being against him that makes me admire him so much. Anyway, he’s awesome..

 

I had supper and did some errands with my human boy this evening. As I dropped him off at his grandma’s for the night he turned and ran back to the car and yelled “I love you mom”,  and then went inside. The bond I have with that kid is crazy strong, and it was born out of some pretty tough circumstances. I will never, ever take for granted the relationship I have with my kids. I feel so fortunate that they want to bring me so closely into their hearts.

My boys – happiness moments. Bliss. Love.

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the ups and downs

I’m not going to lie… today I was in a pretty crappy mood. I did a session of healing light yoga – and while it generally makes me feel good, and always makes me feel better in the long run – today it made me pissy and upset. Love how that energy moves around all those stored emotions and lets them come bursting out. Ugh.

This evening as I was driving the boy home from school we saw a huge fire in the direction of our homes.  I knew it wasn’t our house based on the location, but it looked like either the community hall or my cousin’s place and that freaked me out. We drove as fast as we could to get to where the fire was – it was a trailer that caught fire on the highway. Many phone calls were placed between cousins to find out what was going on, and we were all relived that everyone was ok, the fire didn’t spread, and that it didn’t affect any of our homes.

It kind of put things back in perspective for me though. Not only do I have this home that is filled with love to live in, but we are surrounded this tribe and we all care for and look out for each other. It’s not something that everyone has, and it’s not something that we had for our 10 years spent as gypsies. I’m so grateful for that and I’m so happy to be here surrounded by these people. Happiness moment….

It’s not our thanksgiving, but I sure have a lot to be thankful for. I loved seeing all my American friends celebrate their blessings online today.

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It’s happening

About a month ago I had a divinely inspired idea come to me. I mean that in the most literal sense possible. I was wasting time on Facebook when I saw a post by a friend that made me stop everything and just breathe into the idea that was being presented to my heart.

As with most of my great ideas, I had it but had no idea of how to make it a reality. It seemed kind of big and overwhelming.

That Sunday I went to church and the sermon answered my question. He asked us what would do if there was nothing holding you back? Well, the answer is many things, but this idea was one of them. He talked about how we can get so caught up in the how of things that we often miss out on great opportunities. That is my problem! I get totally freaked out by how I’m going to do things, and I so often overthink things to the point that the idea just vanishes.

I decided with this one that I was not going to worry about the how. I was going to take the idea and run with it. It has the potential to bring a lot of joy and happiness to children in our town and I was damned if my how questioning was going to ruin that.

I talked with a lady at our church, she thought it was a fabulous idea, she passed it on to the powers that be, and today I was told that it’s approved. I can do it! My how was answered! It’s going to come to life, it’s going to celebrate and bring joy to children who really need it.

I am beyond excited, and to say it’s a happiness moment is a complete understatement.

I’ll explain it all as things get moving a bit farther along, which will be soon. The plan is for my first event to happen in January.

Faith, it’s always about faith.

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