Tag Archives: God

happiness

Faith can move mountains 

Today I told my faith story to someone for the first time. It was so different to tell it from that perspective, I’ve thought of it privately as a story of faith for sometime, but I’ve never really shared it in that context before. Telling it as a journey of faith, instead of a time of trauma,  made me realize it’s time to tell it like that more. Time to tell how God came and healed my life at a time when I felt I was completely broken, shattered, left lying on the ground. I’m not broken anymore, and although I didn’t realize it until recently,  I don’t think I ever was. What I was was just really hurt and lost.

The last couple of years have consisted of a series of miracles for me, the only time the miracles stopped was when I ignored my faith, my intuition, the voice of God. This summer, after months of standing firmly in my faith, in my trust, in my love,  I stopped listening to that voice and found myself once again a hot mess. It was a good reminder that I always need that time to connect with my Source, I need to listen to that intuition (which for me is the voice of God), I need to honour how I function in my faith. If I don’t, I feel all out of sorts and it takes me a really long time to figure out what is wrong (because I’m not connected to my Source anymore and I can’t find my balance – when I can’t find my balance I’m screwed).

Telling my story today in the context of faith really helped remind me of how far I’ve come on my spiritual journey. I think I’ve always had faith on an abstract level, but when I fell to the floor in despair a few years ago – having tried to fix my life myself – and finally handed everything over to God, everything changed for me. Suddenly things that seemed impossible started happening all over the place in my life. Small miracles, big miracles, things were changing and I was filled with love and gratitude for all I was being blessed with.

In the past couple of months I’ve got my spiritual groove back and everything is falling into place again. In fact new, really big, cool, things are starting to take shape and I love that. What I do know for certain is that I have to keep myself focused on having faith in order for these things to keep on happening. Faith is what grounds me, what gives me wings, what shapes me, what drives me. Faith not only moves mountains, it brought me back home to mine.

Tonight I was out on my walk and I was thinking about God and dad and my faith journey. I had a memory of a moment a few days before dad’s death when my mom, dad, sister, and I were all sitting quietly in the sunroom. In those last days there was a real awareness that there were not going to be very more moments left for the original four to have time together. I sighed and said out loud to God that I really missed those times of my original family being together. I looked up and circling around the slough were four swans. Something about them made me think of our original four and it made me smile. It was a moment of happiness brought together by a day of deep introspection about what my faith is and how it has shaped my life.

Then of course, because I’m me, about 10 minutes further down the road – at the spot where it seems I am prone to these types of meltdowns – I had a full out yelling session at God. I wasn’t even aware that I had these issues pent up inside of me – and honestly when I was done I was pretty glad that I live in the middle of nowhere so no one else had to witness that. But, I have to say  that for me those moments of breakdown yelling at God are often the most healing and productive ones.

I often wonder what it’s like for those people who talk best to God on their knees, heads bent in prayer. I’ve never been able to pray when other people are around, and I don’t think I could even pray like I was taught we should. I just go out in a field and chatter away to God about everything and anything. I talk, I laugh, I cry, I yell, I ask, I give thanks, I do it all.  I think it comes from the hours spent in those same fields on the back of a horse – which was how I first found my spiritual connection – it seems to still be the most effective method for me.

What I am discovering is that even though I’ve got a whirlwind of things going on, even though there’s so much that is uncertain, even though I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, the fact that I’m learning to walk deep in my faith allows me to say it is well with my soul. 

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happiness

Walk of faith 

Last summer I was outside in the yard playing with my sister, her kids, and my kids. When it was time to come back in the house, my sister stood and held the kitchen door open so my (then) 4 year old niece could come inside.

Instead of walking through the open door, S stood just outside and stressed about the fact that she was fearful that her mommy would shut the door on her. In the stubborn way that only little kids can have she stood there refusing to move, all the while saying that she doubted that her mommy would keep the door open for her.

My sister explained to her (several times) that she would never shut the door on her, asked her had she ever not been there for her when S needed her? She would never hurt her, S knew that she could trust her, and she was her mom and she loved her very much.

Yet still, this little girl doubted this loving being who had never shown her anything besides safe, caring, unconditional, protective love.

When S finally pranced safely through the door, I turned to my sister and said do you ever think that’s how God feels about us? He’s never given us any reason to doubt him, He’s always protected us and loved us, and yet we seem to question Him every step of the way.

It’s kind of stood out to me as an important reminder that I can and should trust that He is walking beside me, is loving me, and is holding the door open for me all I have to do is walk through it.

Apparently because I felt like crying this afternoon, I spent some time going through old emails that my Dad had sent me. He used to send me some really thoughtful comments about my blog, and his messages were always so full of love and support. So, I cried because I miss him, I cried because we didn’t come home sooner, I cried because I feel like I’ve let my kids down.

But, in all that crying, I came across an email sent by my dad which included a photo he titled “the door waiting to be opened“. He said:

the caption that hit me for this photo is “the door waiting to be opened”. I realize that it’s not the initial object the eye focuses on, but as I was taking the photo (in the middle of apple blossoms with the trunk of the aging apple tree in front of me) that was the message that came to me.

I kind of feel like I’ve been standing outside waiting for the door to be opened, when in reality it’s been open all the time just waiting for me to walk through it. It’s that whole having faith that as I walk through it, knowing that it won’t get slammed on me. And while people can be really good at slamming doors, I have no reason to believe that He who has led me so patiently on this path would do anything besides hold my hand as I walk through it.

 

I shared this story in a small group this morning at church. Starting to really own and understand the strength in my faith – that’s my happiness moment. Starting to walk through the door – that’s me walking into my dharma, my bliss, my love.

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God and the moon

On the way home from town Jacob and I got into a big God talk. I love talking God with that kid because he feels Him from his heart in the same way I do. Having spent time trying to talk God with someone who only gets things from their head recently, I found it refreshing to have deep talks with sowmone who feels things the same way I do. Not that different perspectives aren’t a good thing, but that one just confirmed for me that feeling God from my heart is the best way for me to go. 

As we were mid talk, Jacob was really letting go on some of his beliefs, we looked west and saw the beauty in the end of the day. It was so amazing we had to pull over and sit and admire it for a while. Which of course led to a moment of gratitude for that God whom we were talking about – he makes some pretty cool art. 


Sitting with the boy, enjoying the last rays of light was an awesome happiness moment. 

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Here I am

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Something has shifted over the weekend. I think one of the coolest things about really big changes is that usually I never see them coming – suddenly they’re just there.

I think it started at the horse show on Friday. I was reminded what a powerful force horses are in my life. They’ve always been my spiritual gateway to God. All of the searching I’ve done for peace, love, and happiness in the last few years I always had organically when I was with one of my beloved horses.

I held onto those feelings as I headed to church Sunday when all of the pieces seemed to fall together for me. I spoke with one of the ministers there about this fantastic idea I have to help celebrate every child, it’s starting to take shape and I’m really excited about the happiness it can bring to someone in need of a smile.

I said yesterday that I needed to sit with my feelings about my group and about the sermon. I lay in bed for a long time trying to quietly listen, asking what it was I needed to let go of in order to be able to allow my gifts to shine. I woke up this morning with the hymn Here I am Lord playing in my head. I have not listened to this song for years, I can only assume that God put it there for me to hear.

It all clicked. I’ve been struggling with letting go, with surrendering, with allowing – but what I never, ever did was just stop and say here I am Lord. Here I am, right now in this moment, I am here and I am listening. I am ready to do what You want me to do. And I actually am now ready to do what He tells me to do. I’ve tried all the other roads, I’ve tried to do it myself. It does not work. I am here, I am ready, I am listening. I’ll do it, I’ll show up. Just let me know what to do, where to go, I’m there.

I downloaded the song on Spotify (here it is on Youtube) and listened to it a few times this morning. The sense of peace that came to me was almost overwhelming. That was the peace I’ve been looking for all along. It was inside me, just waiting for me to be ready.

There’s going to be a lot of happiness later on today with Halloween. We are gathering with part of the tribe at my cousin’s house to celebrate the candyfest. Never, ever should the power of that tribe be underestimated – they are the wind beneath my wings. But, this moment of happiness deserves special recognition as well. This huge shift as a different kind of understanding has been brought to my soul.

Here I am Lord, Is it I, Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night. 
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

The photo at the top was one taken by my Dad. He was such a guiding force on my spiritual journey, I miss our talks but I know he’s close by still holding me through it all. I feel like the butterfly, I’ve undergone such a powerful transformation over these past few years. 

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The value in the gifts

It seems as though the past couple of months have really been about spending time paying attention to the gifts I’ve been given, figuring out my personal power, and then learning how to own and walk into all of that. I remember weeks ago talking with Asrael and saying that I felt like I was on the edge of another big shift, but that for the life of me I couldn’t figure out what it was. I had already had so many huge life changes, I was really wanting some stability.

But, I jumped off that cliff into the unknown yet again and it’s been pretty amazing. I find it interesting how it took hearing someone whom I loved and trusted tell me how little they valued me to discover how much I had learned to value myself. Once I really could acknowledge that and own it it started to change everything for me. It didn’t matter what someone else thought about me because I know who I am and I know that I have great things to offer. Life changing.

I love how God brings me things just as I need them, and right as I was sitting in this discovery was when I was brought into this amazing group at church. I don’t think it was just coincidence that I was pulled into a group whose focus was on discovering the gifts that God gave us right at a time when I was finally ready to embrace my own.

One of the ladies in our group today gave a really inspiring talk about how she had come to the end of her rope and turned to God saying she needed help right then, and how suddenly things shifted and fell into place for her. It’s that surrender thing, if I can get to the point where I can just surrender then everything comes together. Once I allow that I’m not in charge and just doing what I’m guided to do things work. We went into service and it was the exact same message in the sermon. Ending with him yelling what is it you’re holding onto? What can’t you let go of that is getting in the way of you sharing your gifts?

It’s made me really crave some quiet time to sit and think about that. I’m at a really unique place in my life. For the first time in 20 years I don’t have to think of the dreams of anyone else (except for my kids – but I will always support whatever their dreams are anyway). I don’t have to worry about helping someone else build their career, find their dreams, meld my life plans with theirs. Right now in this space in time I can build my own dreams without having to worry about how they fit in with anyone else. It seems like the perfect time to really make those great inspirations soar doesn’t it? Right now, in this space there should be nothing that is getting in the way of me sharing my gifts. Everything is old baggage that I am happy to drop and leave behind.

Our group had a celebration this morning. Everyone brought something that represented some form of the gifts they had been given to share. It was a fantastic way to learn about who some of these women are. I love when strong, kind women come into my life. They’re the kind that I want to bring into my tribe.

Here’s a small sample of some of the gifts brought in. So much love and talent and support. I’ve needed this kind of group in my life – the fact that I’ve been guided to it is a happiness moment that will keep on giving.

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Finding our gifts

Today was week 3 of the finding your spiritual gift group I’ve been attending at our church. I consider it such a blessing that I was guided into this group, this church, at the exact time I was. For a few weeks before I had sat with this powerful feeling that things were changing in my life, that it was time to begin to embrace my power, that I was going to begin a new level of understanding myself.

Then I went to church and was pulled immediately into this group by one of the ladies. I had no intention of joining, was looking to drop the kids off and go have some quiet time before coming back for service. But the lady told me it was an opportunity to find out what gifts God has given us and how we are to use them in the world. All my spidey senses went off. This was exactly what I had been needing. So I went.

The past three weeks have been really interesting. I have learned a lot about myself, and about how the gifts we are given work. I’m finally understanding that just because my gifts aren’t like your gifts, or aren’t maybe the gifts that I think would have value that I would like them to have (usually because I’ve been told they don’t), that does not mean that they aren’t sacred gifts from God – that it is my duty to use them.

Our leader comes in every week with a wrapped gift and places it at her feet. She talks about how important it is not only to receive the gift, but too use it. Then she motions to the gift box and says – because it’s not much good to any of us just sitting there all wrapped up in the box not being used is it?

So true.

I’m starting to understand some of my gifts and how they have value. They’re things that I actually used to think had value, but had allowed people over the years to devalue. Somehow instead of having the confidence in myself and in what I had to offer, I allowed the opinions of others to make me feel like my gifts weren’t important. And unfortunately for every time I was told by someone else that my gifts didn’t have value, I repeated that message to myself 1000 times more.  All of our gifts are important – no matter how big or how small.

Jenna was asked to help out with the children’s church during service. She was nervous, but excited to be one of the “big kids” and to have some responsibility. She’s so shy in public and often doubts the great gifts that God has given her. She stepped into one of her gifts today and did a wonderful job of helping the kids during service. The kids were happy, but the glow that came from Jenna from sharing that special part of herself – that was my happiness moment. It is so important to share what God gave you.

 

 

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No limits, no fears

I’ve been having an ongoing happiness moment for the past few weeks. A couple of months ago I started having rumblings inside my soul that big changes were about to happen yet again. I wasn’t happy about this, as the changes I’ve had in the past couple of years have all been difficult and drastic – but I’ve also learned that there isn’t much I can do to stop a life change once it starts happening – I can either embrace or resist it.

In the subtle way that God has of making His point, I have been made aware of the fact that for years now I have been expecting and settling for far too little from myself and from my life. This fact was driven home a while ago (by someone whom I had loved and trusted) informing me that I was not good enough, not attractive enough for them to want to be with me any longer.

It left me with a WTF moment. Instead of the crushed feeling I was expecting, I felt this screaming from inside saying wait…. you think I’m not good enough for you??

I have been told by a significant man in my life for years that I wasn’t the perfect image he wanted standing by his side. If I’d gain weight, the roll would be grabbed and made fun of, if I said the wrong thing I was reminded of it for ages afterwards, if I wore an outfit that he didn’t like I was told very blatantly that it wasn’t something that looked good on me. It crushed me hearing that year after year, knowing that there was nothing I could ever do to change myself enough to make him like me – let alone respect me. And obviously I didn’t either like or respect myself then either.

It sent me into a life crisis so I stopped my world and settled into figuring out who I am, how I feel about myself, and what I want from life. This will be a lifelong process, but I know I’ve been walking that path for long enough that now at least it is familiar to me.

So, when I was told once again that I was not good enough instead of believing it, as I would have in my 30s, I gave thanks that I’m in my fuck-you-forties and have been able to spend some time analyzing how I feel about those words instead of hurting over why he didn’t want me. Because who cares why he didn’t want me, that is his issue, mine is to figure out why I was with a man who didn’t respect me (again). What was wrong with me that I allowed for relationships like that?

What it has left me with is the realization that now is the time to start expecting more from my life. I’m done settling, I’m done with not pushing myself to find out how far the gifts that God gave me can take me. It’s already had me pushing at some of what I thought were my limits – I’ve found that I’ve been able to walk through walls I had built up with very little resistance.

I’m in a phase of my life that is filled with no limits and no fears. Or at the very least, the fears I feel are no longer going to stop me from pursuing my dreams, from sharing my gifts.

If it sounds like I’m bitter, I’m not. I’m actually deeply and profoundly happy. I have healed in the past year to the point where I not only feel like I’m not broken, but am understanding that maybe I was never broken.  Maybe, just maybe, I’m exactly where I need to be and I’ve had those experiences so that I could learn exactly what I was supposed to learn.

I have fears, but I have a stronger faith. God has been walking so closely with me these past few years as I’ve been sorting things out. It’s time for me to embrace the faith so I can let go of the fear.

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Divine Intervention

I was in kind of a pissy mood this morning (shocking because usually I’m such a treat first thing). I had a couple of things happen that had left a bitter taste in my mouth and I was feeling pretty annoyed. I kind of sat with those feelings for part of the morning, trying to figure out what to do. I played out conversations I could have or actions I could take to express my hurt and discontent. Nothing seemed to really feel right and I wasn’t sure what to do about it.

The image of my beloved Pastor from our church in VA kept popping into my mind and I decided it was time to touch base with her. When things were at their worst, when I was totally broken and alone, it was her hand that reached out to help me up. She not only helped me through my situation, but she walked me onto the path that brought me to this awesome relationship with God. She was absolutely divine intervention.

I sent her an email discussing the events in our family over the past few months. Some things I’ve shared here, a lot I have not – I shared it all with her. She is one of those amazing people who will listen to it all and then walk alongside you without judgement. I miss her support and advice more than I had realized, but I feel so grateful that she was there for me in a time when it literally saved my life.

She wrote me back and caught me up on her life and her family. It was wonderful to get that little update and to know that this person who for me radiates the love of God is still fulfilling her dharma.

It was amazing how emailing with her put me into a different place emotionally. All of those discontented feelings that had been running around in my brain seemed to have quieted themselves after that. My heart felt clearer and more at peace. It was a very clear and satisfying happiness moment. She reminds me how important it is to hold out that helping hand whenever it is possible – you never know the difference it could make in someone’s life.

Image result for i believe in prayer. it is the best way to draw strength from heaven

 

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Movie night 

Tonight Jacob is out with his uncle watching a movie. These guy nights are so important to him and I’m incredibly grateful that there are these caring, strong men in my family. It happened to come on an evening when he really needed some time out and some laughter (the passing of his cat last week continues to be painful for him) and I am thankful that he’s having a good time. My happiness moment. 

I can’t think of a better place for us to be right now than safely engulfed by our tribe. I had a heart saving pick-me-up chat with him this evening when I was reminded of that. Sometimes those things are important to hear and to allow to be absorbed into my heart. We are home, we are safe, we are grateful. I miss my pastor, but I can hear the message she gave us all every week: we are loved children of God. 

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Mama Mia

If yesterday’s trip to Waterton was a family wellness day, then today was a personal wellness day. I have realized how important both of those are. The kids and I need special time together away from our regular routine to just be be and have fun together. I also need time just for myself to recharge and get back in balance with myself. Today was a me day. 

I had a massage. I didn’t realize how much I needed help letting go of the unnecessary stress I have been carrying. It’s amazing how powerful healing hands can be. 

I went for a walk. That’s always something that connects me with Source and myself. It helps to heal my heart. 

I had a nap. I have been so incredibly tired the last couple of days. I think all of the emotions of the past few weeks fell onto me now that things are quiet and I needed some recovery time. The kidsare healing   and getting stronger after all the angst they went through last month and we can all let go a little now. 

I watched Mama Mia with Jenna. Somehow ABBA has become our road trip music (don’t judge) so we spent a good 6 hours yesterday listening to their music. It made that cheesy chick flick that much more enjoyable this evening. Belly laughs are awesome. 

I am so grateful that I have learned to find the space to honour the fact that I need to keep myself strong and at peace in order to lead this family. That makes me happy. 

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