The phrase of the day today seems to be family day – and that is what we have had. A quiet but really fun day spent together. It’s become very obvious lately how badly we needed some quiet time just enjoying each other’s company. Happy, happiness moment.
As an added bonus, the figs are in at the Italian Centre and we had fig salad for supper. Done family style with everyone picking off the plate. Normally that grosses out germaphobe me, but today it seemed fitting.
Tonight Jacob is out with his uncle watching a movie. These guy nights are so important to him and I’m incredibly grateful that there are these caring, strong men in my family. It happened to come on an evening when he really needed some time out and some laughter (the passing of his cat last week continues to be painful for him) and I am thankful that he’s having a good time. My happiness moment.
I can’t think of a better place for us to be right now than safely engulfed by our tribe. I had a heart saving pick-me-up chat with him this evening when I was reminded of that. Sometimes those things are important to hear and to allow to be absorbed into my heart. We are home, we are safe, we are grateful. I miss my pastor, but I can hear the message she gave us all every week: we are loved children of God.
Peace seems to be the theme of my life again. I always think of what I’m doing as seeking peace, or looking for peace. But today I sat with the words of St. Francis make me an instrument of thy peace.
There is a huge difference between wanting peace and being peace. It made me realize that what I’m really wanting is to become an instrument of His peace. I’m not just looking for it, I want to be it.
I’ve been feeling overwhelmed again lately and I think I needed a perspective shift. Reminding myself of what it is I really want and setting my intentions is essential.
I came home this afternoon to see Derek in the yard grazing. I haven’t seen him for a few days (he’s been hanging with his new friend Blindey the blind orphan calf) and I went over to say hi. At first he was causal cool, but after I started rubbing his head in the little spot between his eyes and talking to him he moved in for a full cuddle and kiss
This dude makes me ridiculously happy. It’s such a simple happiness and peace he has. I realized it’s because he just is. He is an instrument of joy and peace. And my little cuddle with him was my happiness moment.
Jenna called me from school this morning with an upset stomach saying she needed to be picked up. As I was driving into town I had a moment of gratitude for the fact that I was able to drop everything and go get her. It has meant so much to the kids that I have been able to provide the time to be with them as they walk through their childhood. It has come with a lot of sacrifices – not only from me but from their dad too over the years – and it is a comfort to know that it makes a huge difference in their lives having that consistent sense of security.
The fact that so far I have been able to continue to provide that for them fills me with happiness and gratitude.
I cuddled up with the girl this afternoon and watched a tv show. Her tummy started feeling better and she began acting like her regular self again. A healing happiness moment.
This morning as we were getting ready for our camping trip, a hot sleeping bag came out of the dryer. I immediately wrapped up in it’s warmth and had a nap while he loaded the car up. Happiness heading into the long weekend.
This has been a year of learning to let go, leaning into our faith, embracing our tribe.
Today one of our family cats, one that my parents got when my kids were just little, was suddenly called back to heaven. It was heart wrenching.
Jacob and Tawny have been buddies since he was a little kid. When we would come home to visit, his constant companion was his pal Tawny. When we moved back their friendship only deepened. He was just telling me yesterday how Tawny has always been there for him as a best friend.
After he cried in his room for a while he came out and said you know, something I’ve learned after all these losses is that you cry, you feel like the world is over, you remember they are with God, and you learn to move on.
My cousin (the one we all always turn to in a crisis) and her family came over to help us bury her. Something my tribe knows how to do well is come together and support each other in times of grief.
We stood at the computer and looked at family photos of our group trip to Italy, oohed and ahhhed at how the kids had grown, how youthful and thin we were all back then, how much fun we had. We measured the kids on the family wall to see how they had grown since spring.
And then we went out near where we had scattered my dad’s ashes and buried Tawny. My cousin said a prayer, we shared memories of her, we held each other up, then we came home.
I talk about my tribe a lot, but I can’t express enough how fortunate I feel to be part of this group of amazing people. So strong in faith, so much love and compassion. I feel so blessed. It’s a weird happiness moment, but I am so happy that we have this strong, loving support system around us. I’m thankful that we had Tawny in our lives. She was a truly loving, wonderful spirit. She will be missed. But, we know she’s sitting happily on Dad’s lap in heaven
Tawny hanging out with my Dad a few years ago.
I spent some time this morning with someone who brought me back to where I was a few years ago emotionally. It was a good thing, done in a safe environment with someone I trust- but it was still a gross place to go. I realized as I was telling him my story that when I talk about it now it’s pretty much always from the perspective of being here now and how we got to this place. Very, very rarely do I actually put myself back in the emotional space of what it was like then. No wonder, it’s horrible. I didn’t like it, but it was done to clear out a bunch of old pain memories my body has been holding onto and that was a really, really good thing. It’s left me pretty tired and drained but really happy that I’m finally feeling strong and safe enough to let that go.
My happiness moment was spending the evening with him. He seems to understand that sometimes I need more TLC and is so good about being a safe place.
Also, Jenna spent most of the day in the blanket fort she made with a friend. She used to make forts all the time but this is the first one since coming back home. I’m loving how the kids have settled and made this place their home. Because it truly is – we are as deeply planted back in our roots as we possibly could be here.
After complaining of being tired all week, I slept for 11 hours last night. I can’t even begin to explain how much better that long sleep made me feel. It’s pure happiness.
I have known that I have not been getting optimal sleep for some time – and for many different reasons. Some of it was poor lifestyle choices (somehow this summer staying up too late has seemed like a good idea on too many occasions), a lot of it is the fallout of emotional stresses. I’m working on earlier bedtimes again, and the emotional stress is now mostly healing old wounds instead of new ones being made – so there’s hope on both those fronts.
This week I got my order from MAPI, a company who sells awesome Ayurvedic herbs and products. One of the formulas I ordered this time was called Deep Rest, a product I used a couple of years back with great results. I think it’s a big part of why I’m starting to get better rests again now. It always amazes me how powerful those herbs are and makes me so grateful that I have learned so much about how to incorporate them into a more balanced lifestyle.
We spent the day at Calaway Park today – our first and last visit of the year. It was so fun watching all the kids run around laughing and enjoying themselves. I really enjoy those kinds of moments. Having a car full of happy and exhausted kids at the end of the day is another great happiness moment. Being able to share in that enjoyment with him was the icing on the cake (or in our case, the sugar on the mini donut).
The kids and I have had some pretty deep talks over the past couple of days about forgiveness and letting go of bad memories. I feel so guilty that I wasn’t able to protect them better, it’s something that sits heavy in my heart. They, on the other hand, don’t seem to feel the same way at all. The unconditional love and complete forgiveness that flows from them is overwhelming and humbling. It makes me want to walk with that kind of powerful love into all of my close relationships. It makes me able to begin forgive myself.
My big happiness moment today was the boy telling me, out of the blue on the way home, that where we live now is the first place where he has ever felt totally safe. It gives me a lot of peace to know that finally I have been able to provide that for them.
My gratitude happiness moment was walking my road with my mom tonight. I am so thankful that God brought us back to our tribe.
After a break that was much too long I spent an hour and a half easing my body into Tadasana this morning. I love the gentle yoga I learned at Kripalu and have a cd by Rudy Peirce that I purchased on a visit there years ago. Basically it’s 90 minutes spent getting into mountain pose. It sounds ridiculously easy, but there’s something about those slow and gentle stretches that is so powerful for my soul.
I find that this yoga that is based on compassion is so much more a spiritual practice than it is a physical one. It’s such an effective way for me to realign myself and connect to my Source. I didn’t realize how disconnected I truly was until I sat in that quiet space. It was awesome and spiritual and happy. I love it.
