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happiness

The trade off 

Today is my unniversary – it hasn’t been a great day for years now but I’m getting better about it.

It used to be a sad day because it was a reminder that I had made a promise to spend life with someone who was hellbent on destroying me. Last year it was a weird day as I had my own end of marriage ceeemony – gratitude I was on this side, sadness I endured for so long.

Today though I realized something. I used to think we were building security for the future. I hoped maybe once he made enough money, or was happy enough in his career, that things would get better. Eventually I began to wonder if this would ever be the case. But, then I was trading happiness in the present for the hope of security in the future.

Now I have happiness in the moment and no security for the future at all.

But these moments… they are awesome. And all we really have is the present moment. I realized this today as I was mowing the lawn, seeing my horse in the field beside me, watching my daughter and niece jump on the trampoline, and knowing that my boy was at a job that he loves.

These present moments of happiness are good ones. Who knows what the future holds, but the present- it holds happiness.

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Playing in the tall grass

I drove in the yard today to find my boy walking through the tallest grass in the field – in the lane that we used to use to go from my parents’ house to the barn. It also goes to our house.

We used to walk and ride up this little lane when we were kids, although over the years it hasn’t been used much and now is just a tall jungle of grass, bluebells, and burrs (and the odd rhubarb plant).

I love that he lives here and now has the freedom to just hang outside in the field playing in the tall grass. This is the childhood I had always imagined for my kids. The fact that he’s almost 16 and still doing this makes my heart smile from the inside out. Happiness.

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Refilling the garden

The other day I was gifted a bunch of old fashioned perennials to put into my flower garden and since it finally stopped raining today I was able to plant them. They fit perfectly with my old fashioned house and our happy new(ish) life. This house has brought love and life back to us and I hope we have been able to do the same to it. It’s got such a great energy and vibe – generations of love live here. This is happiness.

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Bag of chips

I had coffee (or tea for me) with a couple of dear old friends this morning. I’ve known them since forever and our families are tied way back. I love these kinds of relationships – where the common bonds are so close it’s just easy.

We were laughing about how much different it is for kids learning how to drive now. One of them mentioned how bad it is now that texting exists. I said but when we were learning how to drive we had a coffee in one hand, and were usually waving the other one around doing something stupid. And one of them piped in and there was always a bag of chips stuck between our knees.

I laughed and told them a story of how I once almost ditched the suburban doing a turn while eating chips. The steering wheel got caught on the chip bag and for some reason my hand refused to let go of the bag almost sending me crashing into the ditch. They giggled and said the same thing had happened to them except they hit black ice and the driver had a hand in the chip bag. After doing a 360 and ending up in the ditch the chip bag was still intact – car needed a little help.

I love sharing these kinds of stories. Stupid, silly laughter stories of days gone by. That is happiness.

 

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Walking again 

After what feels like a really long break due to bad weather and hangry bears, the girls and I went out for our evening walk/bike ride/dog walk. June in Alberta, and particularly at the ranch,  is absolutely stunning. I love where I live. And I don’t just say those words, my soul deeply loves being in this spot where our roots are, where my memories live, where my family is. That is happiness.

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Building bonds 

This morning we had a walk in memory of my dad. Actually, it was supposed to be a flower walk in his memory, but the weather was terrible so we ended up doing a walk of a different kind. Not what I had expected, but very good and filling and exactly what it should have been. There were memories of dad, but new ones as well, and different old memories of this town – the weddings and family events that have happened here – and ones of the ranch around it. My kids and my niece and nephew ran around squealing and having fun; my mom, sister and I were together, my aunt told stories of the movie site, friends of my parents listened and asked questions. Life keeps moving on.

This evening we had a community potluck supper which was a bonding moment in itself. This time I was able to visit with a bunch of family who I normally don’t get a chance to chat with. It’s interesting coming from this large extended family – we have so much in common and yet in many ways live completely different lives. A real blessing since coming back home has been getting to know parts of the family that I didn’t really know all that well before.

We are part of a pretty amazing tribe. I think when I was a kid I just assumed everyone had families like mine, the older I get the more I appreciate the roots that have been planted here and where I come from. My immediate family, memories of my dad, my extended family – that is happiness.

 

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Spring band concert 

Tonight the girl got to show off her mad clarinet skills at the school band concert. She missed the Christmas one due to her concussion so this was the first time we got to see her play. She really seemed like she knew what she was doing! It’s amazing how quickly they progress over the year. 

She goes to such a great school – it really has been a godsend and a safe place for her to land over the last couple of years. I couldn’t have imagined a more loving place for her to have had to hold her as she has healed and grown over the last two years. 

Seeing her there in her community, chatting with her principal who not only knows her, but the whole family so well, that is happiness. 

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Sharing stories

I have made a “mom friend” at ball this season. We bonded right away and the more we have talked the more we have realized that we share much of the same story. The details are different, but the theme of our marriages and subsequent breakups are pretty much the same. In a really unique way we understand what being this type of single mom means. And while that means there’s a lot of shared heartache, there are a lot of familiar funny stories.

Tonight we sat at the ball field and laughed while we shared some of the highlights from over the years. We both commented how nice it is to have someone who just gets the situation we are in. It can be a difficult one to explain to others and it makes it so much more simple to just be able to give the eyeball to each other, a quick nod, and say yep, I get it. 

I really like this woman, making good friends does not happen very often so I’m really grateful for the moments when this opportunity presents itself. That is happiness.

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Stop and reorganize

I decided the best way for me to find some balance in my life again was to stop everything and clean and reorganize the house. There’s still a way to go, there’s a lot of junk we have here that does not belong in this new life, but it was a start. It’s amazing how just tidying and scrubbing some counters can make the house feel more like home. My hope is to be able to paint a couple of rooms over the summer to give them a warmer, fresher feel.

Really the only way to keep moving forward is to bring in the light instead of focusing on the darkness. For me, the best way to do this is to make sure I’m taking care of myself – sleeping enough, eating healthy food, getting exercise, hugging Drishti. As long as I’m looked after, I can look after all the other details.

Although nothing is different from yesterday, it is completely changed as well – I feel stronger and more able to take on the world again. And that is happiness.

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Bubbles, ball, and blessings 

We finished off the long weekend with a perfectly sunny day.  So often the May long weekend brings snow,  but this year it was amazing. 

After some yard work we relaxed in our yard and the girl brought out her bubble wands. There is something magical and so relaxing about sitting and blowing bubbles. And so we did. 


The girl had ball tonight in town and it is becoming a social event for the rest of us. It’s wonderful to watch her thrive in her sport. 

We have so many blessings. I have been reminded lately of how important it is to let in the light rather than focus on the darkness. There is a lot of light in our lives – and that is happiness. 

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