Tag Archives: law of attraction

happiness

Life is just a party 

Life is just a party, and parties weren’t meant to last. 

My life has had so many serious twists and turns in it lately. I keep thinking with gratitude of the fact that a year and three months ago I started actively looking for a happiness moment in every single day. 

Back then there wasn’t a lot for me to be happy about and often I had to work really hard to find that moment. What a blessing that was that I started looking, because the more I looked the easier they became to find. 

Looking for happiness has walked me through my dad’s death and all the gut punches that have come with this divorce. Not only that but it has led me to study the science of Ayurveda, and that  has ended up being a driving force in strengthening my connection to God and deepening my spiritual faith in ways I never would have imagined.

When I started my journey I made myself a happiness playlist that I listened to over and over on my phone. I picked out songs that over the years had made me feel happy when I listened to them.  Many of those songs were by Prince. I was very sad today to learn of his passing, but grateful for all the music and joy he brought to my life. 

I’ve been feeling more and more that I am taking life too seriously. I want to be able to look back and think of all the fun times I had. Even though the last few years had very few fun times, the ones before that had lots – and I feel strongly the the ones coming up are filled with joy and love. 

My happiness moment was cruising in the car with my portable speaker (car stereo has been broken since last summer – soon I will be able to fix it!!! Bonus happiness moment) singing along with Jenna very  loudly and badly to Prince. Thanks for the music. 

  

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Stand firm

I actually had a full and deep rest last night – which was a huge blessing as we (finally) had our support hearing this morning.

When I got up I decided to read today’s reading in the devotions book my cousin gave me yesterday.  I figured since it had given me such a strong answer to my prayer yesterday that perhaps I had better check it out before starting a day that I knew would be filled with emotion.

I won’t write the whole thing out again, but the verse was: Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. Exodus 14:13

The verse contains God’s command to me as a believer for those times when I am confronted with dire circumstances and extraordinary difficulties. What am I to do when I cannot retreat or go forward and my way is blocked to the right and to the left?

The Master’s word to me is “Stand firm”. And the best thing I can do at these times is to listen only to my Master’s word…… 

So, basically yesterday’s orders were to wait and be patient because it takes time for prayers to be answered. Today’s were to stand firm and listen for guidance.

My prayers were answered today and we were granted an order for support. It’s enough that the kids and I can join hands and walk into the new life we are creating. I don’t know where I’m going or how I’ll get there, but I do know I’m on the right path. I feel it in every part of my soul. I am grateful and happy beyond what I can properly express that the judge agreed that we need to be provided for, and that I now have the chance to spread my wings and see how well I fly.

Thank you so much to everyone who has given us so much love and support during all of this. I know there’s more ahead, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I can breathe and start to make plans for our future – and enjoy our present.  Having the comfort of my tribe around me (near and far) is one of the greatest blessings in my life.

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And so I listened 

It was 25C today in Calgary – a pretty special treat for April. Jenna and I spent most of the afternoon in at the cast clinic at the Children’s Hospital and were finally given the “all clear”. She was able to remove her air cast and get rid of the crutches. She hasn’t stopped smiling yet (happiness moment #1).

When we got home this evening I decided I should grab my poor, neglected Dotted Dog and take her out for a walk. I love my walking time, and especially tonight I needed some head clearing. I walked and prayed and cried and yelled (thank goodness we are in the country and I can do such things). I asked God what it was I was supposed to be doing. I feel so helpless and upset and angry and frustrated and afraid. What am I supposed to do? Then I stood on the road and yelled at the sky (like Jenna used to yell at me when she was smaller) answer me!!! I asked you what am I supposed to do!! At least give me some kind of sign!!!

And then I kept walking, because really – what kind of sign was going to come to me on this road in the middle of nowhere?

I heard that other voice in my head (as Jacob says – you know how there’s the voice you control, and then the other voice that talks back that you don’t control – well that one) say it’s like you’ve planted a garden and you keep digging it up to see if anything’s growing. You know things can’t grow like that. And then because I’m easily distracted I missed a lot of the profoundness of that statement and started thinking about my garden and what I wanted to plant in it.

Less than 5 minutes later my cousin pulled up beside me in his truck and handed me a book “read this, it was given to me, it’s a daily devotional and it really helped me, I think it’s time to pass it on to you.” We chatted for a while – and I met his adorable puppy – and then he drove off on his way.

I walked for a couple of minutes with the book and then thought – hmmm out of nowhere I was handed a daily devotional book. Perhaps I should see what today’s reading is.

And I read God’s answer to my prayer, and so I listened….

April 18

I once believed that after I prayed, it was my responsibility to do everything in my power to bring about the answer. Yet God taught me a better way and showed me that self-effort always hinders His work. He also revealed that when I prayed and had confident trust in Him for something, He simply wanted me to wait in an attitude of praise and do only what He told me. Sitting still, doing nothing except trusting in the Lord, causes a feeling of uncertainty, and there is often a tremendous temptation to take the battle into our own hands. 

We all know how difficult it is to rescue a drowning person who tries to help his rescuer, and it is equally difficult for the Lord to fight our battles for us when we insist on trying to fight them ourselves. It is not that God will not but that he cannot, for our interference hinders His work.

Spiritual forces cannot work while we are trusting earthly forces.

Often we fail to give God an opportunity to work, not realizing that it takes time for Him to answer prayer. It takes time for God to color a rose or to grow a great oak tree. And it takes time for Him to make bread from wheat fields. He takes the soil, then grinds and softens it. He enriches it and wets it with rain showers and with dew. Then He brings the warmth of life to the small blade of grass, later grows the stalk and the amber grain, and finally provides bread for the hungry. 

All this takes time. Therefore we sow the seed, till the ground, and then wait and trust until God’s purpose has been fulfilled. We understand this principle when it comes to planting a field, and we need to learn the same lesson regarding our prayer life. It takes time for God to answer our prayer. (Streams in the Desert for Graduates by LB Cowman)

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Lay it down 

I think I am finally at the point where I lay down some of the burden I am carrying to God and surrender it. There’s nothing more *I* can do now anyway, someone else is going to decide what is fair and just and we will both have to live with that. I am looking forward to that, we are never going to agree.  I don’t want to be carrying around all this hurt and anger anymore. I do want the chance to begin to build a new life.

Part of the reason I’ve struggled with the surrender is because I have the feeling that what will come after that will be sadness. I’ve done disbelief, betrayal, fear, anger, and now here I am – surrender and some sadness. But, what am I sad about really? Now that I know who he is, I don’t love him so I’m not sad about it being over. I’m not sad about the idea of starting a new life. I think I’m just sad about the end of a dream I had for our family. A dream that was never going to come true anyway. I think the sadness part is going to be relatively quick.

So, I’m going to lay it all down and surrender it over to my higher power. I know he feeds on my anger and hurt, I’ve seen his smug smile when he’s managed to upset me (and I’m not the only one who has noticed this). It seems to bring him some strange satisfaction to know he’s managed to make me feel insecure or upset. I don’t need to be fueling that anymore.

I want to walk into the life I’m living now with joy and gratitude. There is so much about the life I’m living now that I appreciate. I am surrounded by an awesome tribe of people, I live where I love, I am gaining confidence in the career I’m establishing, and I can smell horses from my front yard. It’s time to look forward into my happy future instead of looking back at a very painful past.

Today is kind of a whole happiness moment day. I spent quiet time working on my course, spent time visiting with my sister, walked the dog on a gloriously warm Sunday afternoon, and tonight the monsters and I are having a very special (and fun, fun, fun) cousins night. I have so much in my life to be happy about and I am incredibly grateful that I decided to look for a happiness moment in each and every day. I think about how much my joy has increased since I began this journey and it makes me smile. Life is good.

I love where I live

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At the swing set 

We spent part of the afternoon outside in the yard playing at the swing set. It was sunny and warm, a perfect Saturday afternoon. I love that I’m getting to know my niece and nephew on a more regular basis instead of only seeing them once a year. 

Hearing little girl squeals of push me higher auntie Melissa was my happiness moment today

  
As she was coming inside, my niece got very upset that her mommy had shut the door and was worried she wasn’t going to be able to get in. 

My sister and I laughed at that thought – she said: like I’ve ever not been there when she’s needed me I said: I know. She knows she can trust you completely and yet there’s such great doubt. Which is when I had to look upwards and say ahhhhh get it God. That’s how You feel when I doubt You. Point taken. Have faith. 
Lift you hands lift your eyes in the storm is where you’ll find Me. And where you are I’ll hold your heart, I’ll hold your heart. (Casting Crowns)

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A man like that

Yesterday I ran into my old riding coach at the grocery store. I hadn’t seen her since I was a teenager, and after giving her a hug we had a wonderful (albeit short) visit. She asked me how my parents were doing and I did the big sigh and had to tell her about dad dying last year. She said she was so sorry to hear that and what a great loss, and then told me that her husband had passed away a couple of years ago. I did the same condolence thing back to her.

Then she explained how she was having such a difficult time getting over him. She felt that it was taking her longer than other people to adjust to life without him. She said that she’d been telling this to a friend and they’d responded with of course it’s taking you a long time to get over him. You don’t just get over a man like that. And then she looked at me with sad eyes and said Your dad was a man like that. She is right. Those kind of men, if you are fortunate enough to have them in your lives, you don’t just get over. We are both fortunate to have had men like that in our lives. What I remember of her husband is that he was a caring, gentle soul. 

I was asked recently what I’m looking for in my next mate. My answer was (aside from wanting someone who is kind) that I want the type of person that when a fire breaks out they work with me to put it out, and then help me to rebuild. Instead of…. oh say…. pouring kerosene on the house, throwing a lit match, running away, and then after the fact blaming me because that they lost their home. Inner strength and sound moral character. A man like that.

Last year we were at a family birthday party in celebration of three of the men in our extended family. The wife of the man hosting the party (and one of the birthday boys – a man who was one of Dad’s closest friends back in the day) stood up and gave a little speech. She talked about how she had kiddingly referred to her husband as an old geezer  and then was promptly informed that that was not a kind term to use. She responded in her speech with a definition of an old geezer that would make any decent man proud to be one

Geezers” (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:

At sporting events, during the playing of

the National Anthem, Old Geezers hold

their caps over their hearts and sing without

embarrassment. They know the words and

believe in them. Old Geezers remember

World War I, the Depression, World

War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy

and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,

the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age

and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.

If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,

he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer

on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a

lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are

courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door

for the next person and always, when walking,

make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses

in front of women and children and they don’t like

any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers have

moral courage. They seldom brag unless it’s

about their grandchildren.

It’s the Old Geezers who know our great country

is protected, not by politicians or police, but by

the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Geezers with their decent

values. We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Geezers!

The men who were being celebrated are all of that and more. I feel so honoured to come from a family that produces men of such character.

I deserve to be loved by a man like that.

The old geezers described are men like that.

My dad was a man like that.

I am raising a man like that. I can see it in how he treats other people. How he stops to open doors for others, how he asks for extra change to buy coffee for seniors, how he picks up and cuddles babies, how he laughs, how he stands up for his sister, how he plays, how he loves. He is well on his way to being a man like that.

My happiness moment today, watching Jacob hold open the door at Tim Horton’s for an older gentleman, greeting him with full eye contact and a smile. When given the choice,  Jacob always chooses to be kind, he chooses to be a man like that.

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Goldfish monsters 

We had a very unexpected laugh until your gut hurts happiness moment last night. 

I had finally got both kids in bed and was lying in my own bed reading Facebook. Yes, I know it goes against all my Ayurvedic advice, but sometimes that happens. Anyway, I came across this post:

  
and for some reason it struck me as so funny I couldn’t stop laughing. Both kids started yelling from their rooms asking what I was doing and wanting to know what was so funny. I couldn’t stop laughing long enough to answer. All I could get out was goldfish….bwaahaaaa….goldfish

They both came into my room and I let them read the meme. Pretty soon they were both laughing as hard as I was. 
Then Jacob says you know what my brain does when I go to bed? I’ll be lying there almost asleep, I’ll say “ok good night brain it’s time to shut down now” and my brain says “you know what you haven’t thought about for a long time? Monsters under your bed”. 
I asked him if he needed me to get my pillowcase and go monster hunting like I used to do when he was 2. We all laughed again and then laughed about monster goldfish smiling back from under the bed. 

We lay on my bed and laughed for almost a half hour. This is what this quest for happiness has brought us. Enough of the fear and pain is gone that now we can embrace the joy. It was an awesome late night happiness moment. 

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Oh Mickey…

I was fortunate enough to be in the right place at the right time this afternoon and watched a newborn calf make its way into the world. For me a birth is always such a reminder of the joy and miracles that new beginnings bring. They are a thing to celebrate. 
This afternoon the kids and I had to go to town for a doctors appointment. On the way there was a homeless man standing with a sign asking for help. I got Jacob to reach into my wallet and pull out $5 for us to give to him. He was so touched and seemed  so happy to receive our gift. Because kindness is contagious the next few cars behind us also rolled down windows and gave him something as well. It was a good reminder that when you can’t take it anymore, it’s time to give   The world can always use more kindness. Now more than ever I felt that  there but for the grace of God go I. I am so grateful for my tribe who have helped us out. We are also in a time of new beginnings and there is a lot to rejoice in. 

  
On the way home Jenna cranked up Mickey by Toni Basil and we smiled and sang songs the whole drive. It is a wonderful happiness moment to realize that we are happy just because we are alive and together.

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Dirt under my nails 

Spring has arrived – which for the 9th of April in Alberta is kind of a miracle in itself. We are as likely to have a snowstorm as a sunny day at this time of the year. I’ve been looking at my gardens every day as I was running in and out of the house thinking happily that it was time to play in the dirt. I finally got outside this afternoon and did some digging.

I’m amazed at the things that are coming up. Things are actually flowering already. I’m so excited and happy. More than anything, I am thankful for this sign of the beauty of new beginnings. I am going to embrace this season and the new beginning of this part of my life with an open and joyful heart.

I’m amazed at myself with all the things I’ve learned to do over the past year. Instead of being fearful of everything like I was to begin with, now I welcome and celebrate all the new and exciting experiences. I am meeting fascinating and kind new people, reconnecting with my beloved old friends and family, and learning so much about Ayurveda and life in general.  There are endless possibilities ahead of me now, nothing is too big or too small to dream about. And I have some pretty awesome dreams I’m going to turn into reality.

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happiness, law of attraction, narcissist

Cousins of the round table 

I feel so fortunate that I was blessed at birth with ready made best friends in the form of my sister and cousins. They don’t all live as close to me as I’d like, but those relationships stand the test of time. No matter how much time goes past or what happens I know there’s this awesome tribe of people that I belong to. The same thing goes for my kids. They are a part of this awesome extended family we have that stretches across Alberta, BC, The Yukon, Ontario, New York, Italy, and Texas. Both sides of my family have such a strong bond, and I appreciate that more and more as time goes on.

Tonight we were treated to supper by one of my cousins in Cochrane between guitar lessons and youth group. This round table of cousins worked out so perfectly, each one of us had a friend to sit with – she has a girl and a boy close to the same age as my kids. Sitting around and laughing with this beautiful part of my tribe was a happiness moment for the day that will warm my heart for a long time.

I feel kind of like we are the Whos down in Whoville. The grinch may have stolen our Christmas, but he can’t steal our love and joy. We will stand firmly in our tribe singing our songs of happiness no matter what kind of hate and destruction he sends our way. Although I will never forgive the hurt that he has inflicted on us, I’m caring less and less about the fact that he’s trying to destroy me. He can’t do that. I am getting stronger and stronger with each and every day.

Every time I have needed something on this journey it has been provided for me, and I have faith and trust in the fact that this also will turn out for the best. Just because he says I’m worthless and stupid does not make it so. In fact, this journey has taught me what incredible strength and love I possess. I have learned so many things over the past few months that have really shown to me that all those hateful things I was taught by him about myself aren’t true. I came across this wonderful quote this morning and it taught me exactly how I will look at his behaviour as I move ahead through this divorce. I think it’s important to talk about it because there’s so much shame put on the person who is being used by a narcissist. It is possible to get out of that relationship and move on to a happy life which is what we all deserve. With every step I take he’s more and more just someone I used to know.

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