Tag Archives: love

happiness

And so I listened 

It was 25C today in Calgary – a pretty special treat for April. Jenna and I spent most of the afternoon in at the cast clinic at the Children’s Hospital and were finally given the “all clear”. She was able to remove her air cast and get rid of the crutches. She hasn’t stopped smiling yet (happiness moment #1).

When we got home this evening I decided I should grab my poor, neglected Dotted Dog and take her out for a walk. I love my walking time, and especially tonight I needed some head clearing. I walked and prayed and cried and yelled (thank goodness we are in the country and I can do such things). I asked God what it was I was supposed to be doing. I feel so helpless and upset and angry and frustrated and afraid. What am I supposed to do? Then I stood on the road and yelled at the sky (like Jenna used to yell at me when she was smaller) answer me!!! I asked you what am I supposed to do!! At least give me some kind of sign!!!

And then I kept walking, because really – what kind of sign was going to come to me on this road in the middle of nowhere?

I heard that other voice in my head (as Jacob says – you know how there’s the voice you control, and then the other voice that talks back that you don’t control – well that one) say it’s like you’ve planted a garden and you keep digging it up to see if anything’s growing. You know things can’t grow like that. And then because I’m easily distracted I missed a lot of the profoundness of that statement and started thinking about my garden and what I wanted to plant in it.

Less than 5 minutes later my cousin pulled up beside me in his truck and handed me a book “read this, it was given to me, it’s a daily devotional and it really helped me, I think it’s time to pass it on to you.” We chatted for a while – and I met his adorable puppy – and then he drove off on his way.

I walked for a couple of minutes with the book and then thought – hmmm out of nowhere I was handed a daily devotional book. Perhaps I should see what today’s reading is.

And I read God’s answer to my prayer, and so I listened….

April 18

I once believed that after I prayed, it was my responsibility to do everything in my power to bring about the answer. Yet God taught me a better way and showed me that self-effort always hinders His work. He also revealed that when I prayed and had confident trust in Him for something, He simply wanted me to wait in an attitude of praise and do only what He told me. Sitting still, doing nothing except trusting in the Lord, causes a feeling of uncertainty, and there is often a tremendous temptation to take the battle into our own hands. 

We all know how difficult it is to rescue a drowning person who tries to help his rescuer, and it is equally difficult for the Lord to fight our battles for us when we insist on trying to fight them ourselves. It is not that God will not but that he cannot, for our interference hinders His work.

Spiritual forces cannot work while we are trusting earthly forces.

Often we fail to give God an opportunity to work, not realizing that it takes time for Him to answer prayer. It takes time for God to color a rose or to grow a great oak tree. And it takes time for Him to make bread from wheat fields. He takes the soil, then grinds and softens it. He enriches it and wets it with rain showers and with dew. Then He brings the warmth of life to the small blade of grass, later grows the stalk and the amber grain, and finally provides bread for the hungry. 

All this takes time. Therefore we sow the seed, till the ground, and then wait and trust until God’s purpose has been fulfilled. We understand this principle when it comes to planting a field, and we need to learn the same lesson regarding our prayer life. It takes time for God to answer our prayer. (Streams in the Desert for Graduates by LB Cowman)

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happiness

Learning to surrender

Learning to surrender seems to be my theme over the past year. Not too long ago I had to surrender to God as I watched Dad come to the end of his life. I so wanted a miracle, and prayed for him to get better. But that wasn’t the path, and I was finally able to surrender to God and allow what was going to happen.

As difficult (and incredibly sad) as that was in some ways it was easier than the surrender I am learning to fall into now. I knew Dad was going to die. Surrendering all of that to God felt like being lifted up and held. It provided love and comfort.

I’ve struggled much more during this divorce with the concept of surrender. I sometimes confuse that word with giving up, and I constantly have to remind myself that they have completely different meanings. I get often angry at the thought of surrender (confusing the actions) and think – I am never going to just give up. I didn’t stand up for myself (and the kids) for years, finally I’m strong enough to face this and I’m not going to wave the white flag ever.

But, giving up and surrendering are totally different. I don’t have to give up the path I am on in order to surrender to God.

Giving up means rolling up in a ball in bed and crying. It means no action, no hope, living in suffering, and moving away from the connection with God. It actually sounds much like the way I lived for years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Well, that was an eyeopening and unexpected revelation (maybe you knew it already, I didn’t until I wrote it just now).

Surrender is more an acceptance of what is. By releasing it allows for more happiness, brings me closer to God, and means embracing life as it is.

This has been such an emotionally challenging year. Having Mr. X cut off our finances not even 8 months after Dad died and then finding out he had spent thousands of dollars getting his mistress into bed while telling me he was living on rice and beans was gutting. But it showed me once and for all the person that he is. I couldn’t deny it or make excuses for that behaviour anymore.

Every time I pray for help, for support, for love I keep hearing that I need to surrender everything to Him. And then I fight it. Because I don’t want to give up. But now I understand that I can surrender without giving up. I’m not saying I’ll go gently into it. I think it will be a struggle for the rest of my life this learning how to gracefully surrender. That frustrates me because I have a strong faith and I know that  every single time I have needed Him that God has been there preforming miracles. It should be the easiest thing in the world to have complete trust in the One Being who would never let me down. And yet….

I’m a work in progress

My happiness moment was standing in my kitchen looking out at the barn listening to the song Stuck on You. I used to take my old tape recorder with songs I’d recorded off the radio (remember the 70s and 80s?) and play my songs over and over while I hung out with Pirate in the barn. Some of my best memories are of singing Stuck on You while grooming and hugging on him. He was a one of a kind pony and I feel so blessed that he was in my life. I learned so much about how to be brave and to achieve the impossible from my relationship with him. That was love.

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A man like that

Yesterday I ran into my old riding coach at the grocery store. I hadn’t seen her since I was a teenager, and after giving her a hug we had a wonderful (albeit short) visit. She asked me how my parents were doing and I did the big sigh and had to tell her about dad dying last year. She said she was so sorry to hear that and what a great loss, and then told me that her husband had passed away a couple of years ago. I did the same condolence thing back to her.

Then she explained how she was having such a difficult time getting over him. She felt that it was taking her longer than other people to adjust to life without him. She said that she’d been telling this to a friend and they’d responded with of course it’s taking you a long time to get over him. You don’t just get over a man like that. And then she looked at me with sad eyes and said Your dad was a man like that. She is right. Those kind of men, if you are fortunate enough to have them in your lives, you don’t just get over. We are both fortunate to have had men like that in our lives. What I remember of her husband is that he was a caring, gentle soul. 

I was asked recently what I’m looking for in my next mate. My answer was (aside from wanting someone who is kind) that I want the type of person that when a fire breaks out they work with me to put it out, and then help me to rebuild. Instead of…. oh say…. pouring kerosene on the house, throwing a lit match, running away, and then after the fact blaming me because that they lost their home. Inner strength and sound moral character. A man like that.

Last year we were at a family birthday party in celebration of three of the men in our extended family. The wife of the man hosting the party (and one of the birthday boys – a man who was one of Dad’s closest friends back in the day) stood up and gave a little speech. She talked about how she had kiddingly referred to her husband as an old geezer  and then was promptly informed that that was not a kind term to use. She responded in her speech with a definition of an old geezer that would make any decent man proud to be one

Geezers” (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:

At sporting events, during the playing of

the National Anthem, Old Geezers hold

their caps over their hearts and sing without

embarrassment. They know the words and

believe in them. Old Geezers remember

World War I, the Depression, World

War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy

and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,

the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age

and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.

If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,

he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer

on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a

lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are

courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door

for the next person and always, when walking,

make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses

in front of women and children and they don’t like

any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers have

moral courage. They seldom brag unless it’s

about their grandchildren.

It’s the Old Geezers who know our great country

is protected, not by politicians or police, but by

the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Geezers with their decent

values. We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Geezers!

The men who were being celebrated are all of that and more. I feel so honoured to come from a family that produces men of such character.

I deserve to be loved by a man like that.

The old geezers described are men like that.

My dad was a man like that.

I am raising a man like that. I can see it in how he treats other people. How he stops to open doors for others, how he asks for extra change to buy coffee for seniors, how he picks up and cuddles babies, how he laughs, how he stands up for his sister, how he plays, how he loves. He is well on his way to being a man like that.

My happiness moment today, watching Jacob hold open the door at Tim Horton’s for an older gentleman, greeting him with full eye contact and a smile. When given the choice,  Jacob always chooses to be kind, he chooses to be a man like that.

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Oh Mickey…

I was fortunate enough to be in the right place at the right time this afternoon and watched a newborn calf make its way into the world. For me a birth is always such a reminder of the joy and miracles that new beginnings bring. They are a thing to celebrate. 
This afternoon the kids and I had to go to town for a doctors appointment. On the way there was a homeless man standing with a sign asking for help. I got Jacob to reach into my wallet and pull out $5 for us to give to him. He was so touched and seemed  so happy to receive our gift. Because kindness is contagious the next few cars behind us also rolled down windows and gave him something as well. It was a good reminder that when you can’t take it anymore, it’s time to give   The world can always use more kindness. Now more than ever I felt that  there but for the grace of God go I. I am so grateful for my tribe who have helped us out. We are also in a time of new beginnings and there is a lot to rejoice in. 

  
On the way home Jenna cranked up Mickey by Toni Basil and we smiled and sang songs the whole drive. It is a wonderful happiness moment to realize that we are happy just because we are alive and together.

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Dirt under my nails 

Spring has arrived – which for the 9th of April in Alberta is kind of a miracle in itself. We are as likely to have a snowstorm as a sunny day at this time of the year. I’ve been looking at my gardens every day as I was running in and out of the house thinking happily that it was time to play in the dirt. I finally got outside this afternoon and did some digging.

I’m amazed at the things that are coming up. Things are actually flowering already. I’m so excited and happy. More than anything, I am thankful for this sign of the beauty of new beginnings. I am going to embrace this season and the new beginning of this part of my life with an open and joyful heart.

I’m amazed at myself with all the things I’ve learned to do over the past year. Instead of being fearful of everything like I was to begin with, now I welcome and celebrate all the new and exciting experiences. I am meeting fascinating and kind new people, reconnecting with my beloved old friends and family, and learning so much about Ayurveda and life in general.  There are endless possibilities ahead of me now, nothing is too big or too small to dream about. And I have some pretty awesome dreams I’m going to turn into reality.

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What is love?

Love should make you happy. It’s that beautiful feeling of knowing you’re with someone who knows you to your deepest core and thinks you are wonderful. It’s tender, kind, loyal, faithful, and honest. It does not attack, betray, cheat, purposely hurt, or lie. It has taken me a long time to understand that love is not conditional and that I am only worthy of it if I behave in a certain manner. 

I’m finding the more I walk along in my happiness journey the more I’m finding love. It’s in big things and small things. I see it in the faces of my children every day. I saw it this morning when my big, strong, cousin’s husband gently fed a bottle to a newborn calf. I see it in our pets, and I see it reflected in the people who surround me. 

My happiness moment today was being with Jenna while she helped feed that calf for the first time. It was a beautiful, gentle act of kindness and I felt honored to be a part of it. 

  
I’m discovering that as long as I keep my eyes open I see love everywhere. It’s easier to find than I had ever believed. 

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Who’s who? My dad

I spent a lot of time today with the memory of my dad. I feel like the past few weeks have been so filled fending off the poisoned barbs of hatred that I kind of lost focus on letting in the things that are really important to me.

My dad was one of the things that was really important to me. He wasn’t perfect, but he was such an influential person in my life. He was exceptionally unreasonable during my teenage years (I have no idea why…) and we could really get into it sometimes, but through it all I knew that he loved me unconditionally and always had my back.

Actually, my parents were/are such great examples of what unconditional love is. Even when I’ve been at my most lost and scattered, they have always provided me with a safe place to land. That security of having people who are there for me no matter what is so important, it gives me the freedom to take chances and explore who I am and what my purpose is.

After Dad died I had a lot of friends and family come up to me and express their gratitude for things that Dad had done for them. He had often stepped in and given support, and frequently free legal advice as well, to the people in our lives. He not only provided me with that sense of security and trust, but he gave it freely to so many others as well. He lived with a sense of abundance, not holding onto his knowledge or love, but spreading it around because there was enough for everyone.

He showed me what to expect from a man. Someone who not only worked hard and was successful at his career (and he was very successful), but who lived with integrity, spent time with his family, laughed, loved, and jumped full on into life. I think I took it for granted that because this was my experience all dads are like this. I will never take that for granted again. They’re not.

He not only took great interest in the things that we were doing – I can think of him sitting for hours listening as I babbled on about whatever was my current obsession, probably wanting to stab his eyeballs out, but smiling and encouraging – but he shone that same love and support on his grandchildren. My kids still talk daily about things they did with grandpa and how much they miss his presence. The way he lived his life has made a huge impression on Jacob, and he talks often about becoming the kind of man grandpa was. Jacob is already a good, honest young man. I have no doubt he will make his grandpa proud.

I realize the older I get how exceptional my dad was. I’m realizing in fact how exceptional my entire family is. I don’t know how it happened, but I won the awesome family lottery in that I have this ready made tribe of people who are so strong, loving and kind.

My mom sent me an email this afternoon letting me know that my dad was listed in this year’s Canadian Who’s Who. It’s so wonderful to read about his accomplishments, but to me his real achievement was the kind of person he was. The way he lived his life is something I can hold onto and aspire to. I will always have his tendency to have temper meltdowns (blow it out and move on), but that’s part of being human. To live with an open heart so that people can trust and depend on you as my dad did – that’s a real life achievement.

 

 I miss you Dad xox

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Monopoly and laughter 

I walked in to the kitchen at my mom’s house today to find her sitting at the table planing an intense game of monopoly with Jenna. Jenna is very good (and very competitive) at games, so playing with her is always lots of fun and very challenging. 

I cooked us all supper and we spent the evening sharing stories and laughing. It felt so good to do in that kitchen that is the centre of the home of my heart. 

It was so nice to have us all shed some of the stresses we have been carrying and just give into the laughter and the enjoyment of each other’s company. A delightful happiness moment. 

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If you’re going through hell keep on going…

There’s a lot to that old saying laughter is the best medicine. We have been in desperate need of some good belly laughs these past few days.  To say that life is a little intense right now is a huge understatement.

Because things always come to me as I need them, I listened to a song last night that reminded me of the angels (literal and figurative) that I have in my life. If You’re Going Through Hell will be my pick up song for the time being. 

But the good news is there’s angels everywhere out on the street

Holding out a hand to pull you back upon your feet

The ones that you been dragging for so long you’re on your knees

You might as well be free

Its so easy to get focused on the person or thing that is pushing me down, but so much more importantly are those angels who are loving us and helping us up out of the darkness. They have held out their hands and their hearts and are keeping the kids and I in this safe basket of love while we get through this part. Freedom is something I have prayed for for a long time. From now on I know that when the opportunity comes to free my soul I will always take it. And some great advice to all of us as we go through dark times…

If you’re going through hell keep on going

Don’t slow down, if you’re scared, don’t show it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there. 


Today we decided we needed a family fun day. Each child brought a friend and we are up in Canmore at the swimming pool (a very cool pool with slides and a lazy river and basketball nets). Laughing with this group of kids all afternoon has been not a only a great happiness moment, but a happiness refocus, as we remember what is important.  Elizabeth Gilbert hit it nail on the head – what is important is to eat, pray, love. I am so thankful that I am on this journey with these amazing humans – my kids, my family, my friends. 

  

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What is love?

This past year has been filled with so many emotions. The pain and sorrow of losing Dad is still so fresh and there are a lot of mixed up emotions as I work my way through this divorce. 

One thing I do know is that love is the most important thing. I remember feeling in the last few weeks of Dad’s life that all that mattered at the time was love. It’s a lesson I’ve carried with me through this year. As long as I’m reaching for love and for happiness everything will be ok. 

It’s easy to get caught up in all the negativity. Today I realized I need to be focused on all the love in my life. And there is so much. We are so blessed to be here in the folds of our family, surrounded by people who love us just because we are us. 

I have a deep love for the animals who are in my life, both past and present. They have always provided me with grounding, security, and the understanding of what pure unconditional love is. All of our pets are rescued and have had less than comfortable starts to their lives. Yet, they love us (and each other) with unfiltered purity. 

We have a beautiful home in which all of us – humans and animals – live with the secure understanding that the love flowing through will always be there – no matter what. 

Today I passed Abu and Aladdin cuddled up together on the couch. I looked at them for quite a while thinking this is what true, pure love looks like. They are so comfortable with each other, it’s difficult to tell where one ends and the other begins. My happiness moment – witnessing a quiet moment of love between siblings.

    

      

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