Tag Archives: narcissist

happiness

Changing the rules 

I’ve been having a discussion lately with someone who has been making me think really hard about all of the rules, barriers, and safety measures I’ve had to put in place over the last few years to make myself feel safe. It’s been feeling for a few months like big things were changing and shifting in how I live my life and I’m starting to realize that it’s time to shake up those old, no longer needed rules. 

The fact that I’m secure, happy, and grounded enough now to even be able to consider shifting old beliefs that are no longer serving me is a happiness moment beyond what I can even begin to describe. It’s led me to an entirely different and more exciting way of looking at things. It’s pretty cool. 

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Energy Shifts

I’ve been doing a lot of energy work lately. This morning I had a massive shift and some understandings of these blocks I’ve been struggling with finally became clear. With the clarity is the knowledge of how to move them, shift them, let them go. 

It’s a really big deal in my healing journey. I’m pretty excited about it. 

It’s been kind of fun to play with this energy a bit. I’ve got a much deeper understanding of what it is and how it works for me as I’ve been focusing on it over the last coupe of weeks. 

It’s one more step on the journey, a little move ahead in my healing, and a whole lot of happiness. 

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Old town

I had an afternoon in town today that reminded me of how Cochrane used to be – you know, when going to town was a social event and you knew almost every person you came across.

I had tea with members of my tribe – soul sisters really. I don’t remember meeting them, they’ve just always been part of the extended family of loved ones. It is such a blessing to have these people who we can go years (in this case a year – it took us a year to get together again!) without seeing but when we get back together it’s like no time has passed. Well, except for the fact that we have to all talk like mad to catch each other up on what has happened. And the little time we had today was not nearly enough for that. Still, we laughed and shared in our precious time. That was happiness.

What a great thing  – to have a visit and to know that we have to do it again soon because there’s still so much more to share and laugh about (it’s a bonus that we all agreed that we have to be home in bed by 9 which seriously limits our social availability. I love that my people sleep). That will be more happiness.

On the way home I skidded into an old friend riding her horse down the road. I had an impromptu visit with her which came with the added bonus of her offering me a horse to ride, and a reminder of her offer to give riding lessons to Jenna. Horses… yay!!! Friends…… bigger yay! Bonus happiness.

I’m so grateful that we have this tribe of people around us. Sometimes life gets overwhelming and really difficult and I feel all alone, but then I look around and remember I’m surrounded by all of these amazing people.  I’ve learned that sometimes you need to walk away and sometimes you need to stand strong and fight your battles. I’m thankful that I don’t have to do it alone.

 

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Walk of faith 

Last summer I was outside in the yard playing with my sister, her kids, and my kids. When it was time to come back in the house, my sister stood and held the kitchen door open so my (then) 4 year old niece could come inside.

Instead of walking through the open door, S stood just outside and stressed about the fact that she was fearful that her mommy would shut the door on her. In the stubborn way that only little kids can have she stood there refusing to move, all the while saying that she doubted that her mommy would keep the door open for her.

My sister explained to her (several times) that she would never shut the door on her, asked her had she ever not been there for her when S needed her? She would never hurt her, S knew that she could trust her, and she was her mom and she loved her very much.

Yet still, this little girl doubted this loving being who had never shown her anything besides safe, caring, unconditional, protective love.

When S finally pranced safely through the door, I turned to my sister and said do you ever think that’s how God feels about us? He’s never given us any reason to doubt him, He’s always protected us and loved us, and yet we seem to question Him every step of the way.

It’s kind of stood out to me as an important reminder that I can and should trust that He is walking beside me, is loving me, and is holding the door open for me all I have to do is walk through it.

Apparently because I felt like crying this afternoon, I spent some time going through old emails that my Dad had sent me. He used to send me some really thoughtful comments about my blog, and his messages were always so full of love and support. So, I cried because I miss him, I cried because we didn’t come home sooner, I cried because I feel like I’ve let my kids down.

But, in all that crying, I came across an email sent by my dad which included a photo he titled “the door waiting to be opened“. He said:

the caption that hit me for this photo is “the door waiting to be opened”. I realize that it’s not the initial object the eye focuses on, but as I was taking the photo (in the middle of apple blossoms with the trunk of the aging apple tree in front of me) that was the message that came to me.

I kind of feel like I’ve been standing outside waiting for the door to be opened, when in reality it’s been open all the time just waiting for me to walk through it. It’s that whole having faith that as I walk through it, knowing that it won’t get slammed on me. And while people can be really good at slamming doors, I have no reason to believe that He who has led me so patiently on this path would do anything besides hold my hand as I walk through it.

 

I shared this story in a small group this morning at church. Starting to really own and understand the strength in my faith – that’s my happiness moment. Starting to walk through the door – that’s me walking into my dharma, my bliss, my love.

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The value in the gifts

It seems as though the past couple of months have really been about spending time paying attention to the gifts I’ve been given, figuring out my personal power, and then learning how to own and walk into all of that. I remember weeks ago talking with Asrael and saying that I felt like I was on the edge of another big shift, but that for the life of me I couldn’t figure out what it was. I had already had so many huge life changes, I was really wanting some stability.

But, I jumped off that cliff into the unknown yet again and it’s been pretty amazing. I find it interesting how it took hearing someone whom I loved and trusted tell me how little they valued me to discover how much I had learned to value myself. Once I really could acknowledge that and own it it started to change everything for me. It didn’t matter what someone else thought about me because I know who I am and I know that I have great things to offer. Life changing.

I love how God brings me things just as I need them, and right as I was sitting in this discovery was when I was brought into this amazing group at church. I don’t think it was just coincidence that I was pulled into a group whose focus was on discovering the gifts that God gave us right at a time when I was finally ready to embrace my own.

One of the ladies in our group today gave a really inspiring talk about how she had come to the end of her rope and turned to God saying she needed help right then, and how suddenly things shifted and fell into place for her. It’s that surrender thing, if I can get to the point where I can just surrender then everything comes together. Once I allow that I’m not in charge and just doing what I’m guided to do things work. We went into service and it was the exact same message in the sermon. Ending with him yelling what is it you’re holding onto? What can’t you let go of that is getting in the way of you sharing your gifts?

It’s made me really crave some quiet time to sit and think about that. I’m at a really unique place in my life. For the first time in 20 years I don’t have to think of the dreams of anyone else (except for my kids – but I will always support whatever their dreams are anyway). I don’t have to worry about helping someone else build their career, find their dreams, meld my life plans with theirs. Right now in this space in time I can build my own dreams without having to worry about how they fit in with anyone else. It seems like the perfect time to really make those great inspirations soar doesn’t it? Right now, in this space there should be nothing that is getting in the way of me sharing my gifts. Everything is old baggage that I am happy to drop and leave behind.

Our group had a celebration this morning. Everyone brought something that represented some form of the gifts they had been given to share. It was a fantastic way to learn about who some of these women are. I love when strong, kind women come into my life. They’re the kind that I want to bring into my tribe.

Here’s a small sample of some of the gifts brought in. So much love and talent and support. I’ve needed this kind of group in my life – the fact that I’ve been guided to it is a happiness moment that will keep on giving.

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Sharing Kindness

Wednesdays are my favourite day of the week. It’s the day when we have enough after school activities that we stay in town until 6:30 (the boy stays later for his evening thing), so we have supper out. Every week we eat at the same place and having that familiar routine is something we look forward to. The owner knows us, knows our order, teases Jenna every week like she’s one of his kids, and always makes us feel welcome. It’s a nice break in the week where I don’t have to cook, we sit together at the table and share stories, and it’s super cheap.

I spend a lot of time with my kiddos so I think I usually know what’s going on in their lives, but in these quiet moments where there are no other distractions I always learn so much more.

My dear, sweet, kind-hearted little Jenna told me a story tonight that both warmed and broke my heart at the same time. She said that one of her friends at school had spent the morning very upset, almost in tears, refusing to participate in class, and didn’t want to tell anyone what was going on. When she finally broke down, she asked the teacher if Jenna could join her because she felt that Jenna was a friend who was safe, caring, and had some life experience dealing with the same issues that this girl was sorting through.

The friend unburdened herself of some difficult family issues with Jenna sitting right beside her holding her (the teacher was also there). Jenna said it was difficult and painful – hard to watch her friend suffer, hard to have some old memories of her own brought back up to the surface. But she stayed there and loved her friend through it.

I am *so* proud of her. She’s learned that when the people you love need you, you dig deep and help them, love them, stay with them, hold out your hand to them. It may be easier to turn tail and run, but bless those who stay, who don’t judge, who love. They are the ones who help with the healing.

It is a happiness moment that brings tears to my eyes. She sat in some incredibly uncomfortable emotions of her own today to help out her friend. Hopefully it helped her with some of her own healing as well.

As a bonus happiness moment, I caught up today with some very dear friends of mine. It’s been years since we have had a visit and I found it very grounding, loving, happy, heartwarming…. all those good things… to spend time with them. They have faith that I have always admired.

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The healing process

I read a fantastic article this morning on healing – it described perfectly how I’ve been feeling, what I’ve been sorting out. I wrote yesterday about how tired I’ve been, today I remembered how I need to honour the healing process. Instead of beating myself up for not being where I want to be on my journey, I want to celebrate how incredibly far I have come.

The article was in Elephant Journal – they have been a fantastic source of information for me not only in my healing, but in my learning of how bring balance to my life. The article is called Living with CPTSD Following an Abusive Relationship – read it. Read it if you feel like you have been or are in one, read it if you want to better understand how things were and are for me. She manages to put words to my feelings in a way I never have been able to, it’s always been too painful and too difficult to really sit in that place. It made me realize that it’s ok that I still feel overwhelmed and tired. I’ve been through a lot, and I try very often to pretend that it never happened at all. Especially the really painful parts. As much as I need to celebrate the good, it seems I need to acknowledge the bad. Not forever, but right now it seems to be part of the letting go process.

Along with that pain is the acknowledgement, gratitude, relief, joy that we are home, we are safe, we are happy, and we are building a totally new life. That is happiness, not just in a moment, but for a lifetime.

home, our roots, our grounding place

The girl and I watched a bit of The Peanuts movie tonight. Snoopy, Charlie Brown and the gang are happiness that stands the test of time. It was a wonderful happiness moment sharing that with her.

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Recharge

I’ve been noticing lately how incredibly tired I am. It’s like the long, drawn out tired that has been sitting inside my soul for years as I’ve struggled to get to this place – safe, happy, home. Now that I don’t have to struggle anymore I’ve discovered how completely exhausted I am. Those burdens aren’t as heavy, but I haven’t bounced back to where I was before either. I’m in a recharge process and I have to remember that.

Today was spent reorganizing the house a little bit. The season has changed, it was dark when we left for school this morning, the winter gear needed to be brought out. I’m thankful that I have the time to focus on building the safest, happiest home I can for my family. I’m grateful that I can be reminded of how to use my energy and how to recharge myself so I have enough to give.

It was a quiet happiness moment as I pulled out the winter things and hung them on the walls. I decided that come November 1 this year I am putting Christmas all over the house. We will celebrate the love and joy in this family! Plus, I have these really cool Yoda lights and I can’t wait to hang them.

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House of rain

I have been in a really crappy mood the last couple of days. I don’t know why – nothing specific has happened, I just am not smiling. Sometimes things just get a little overwhelming and I think I maybe just need a few days of recharging – I’m not sure. I know I’ve been sitting in this huge energy shift the last few weeks, and while it’s full of good things it’s also new and tiring. So, I’m trying really hard to honour this feeling – knowing that it is something that is just passing through and not a permanent state.

This happiness journey has led me to understand that while I’m always seeking happiness, I’m not always happy. And that’s ok. All those other emotions are real too. I’m allowed to have them.

But, it does not mean that I don’t keep looking for a moment of happiness each and every day. In fact, I live a very blessed life and I have so much that I am grateful for that I can list off happiness bursts all the time. We are here, we are home, we have our tribe, I can see the mountains, I love our home, I have my friends around me,  I kissed a horse, I hang with Derek… it goes on.

My happiness moment today was picking the girl up from school today and listening to her chat away about how much fun she had with her friends at school.

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The unexpected gift

Every once in a while I get an unexpected life gift – they’re beautiful, extraordinary, and I cherish them in my heart forever. I got one of those blessings this morning.

I was sitting at Timmy’s with the boy having our usual quiet coffee time before school. Out of nowhere he told me that they had had an assignment where they were supposed to write about something that their parents had taught them.

He said:  most of the other kids wrote about things like “my parents taught me how to brush my teeth”, but I decided hell no – I’m going to use this assignment to write something meaningful.

He went on to tell me that he wrote about how his mom taught him to always stand behind the people that you love. He said I remember when things were really bad at home and I was scared. When I was fighting, you would jump in and fight with me. You always had my back, you stood up for me even though it got you yelled at. You made me feel safe and protected. I learned that is how you love people.

I didn’t even know what to say. I often beat myself up feeling like I failed them in so many ways. It was heartwarming to hear his perspective on how he remembered things. I mean, terrible that he experienced them, but wonderful that he remembered there was love in the middle of all that.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the notion of unconditional love. I have written a bit about it. I was raised with it, I love my tribe with it. I’m still caught off guard when the people that I love put conditions on their love for me. But, my sincere hope is that my kids will grow up knowing how to give and receive unconditional love. Based on his story I would say that he’s well on that journey. I am so proud of him, and so touched by the unexpected happiness moment he gave me this morning.

On our way out of the house we were greeted with God’s light display sending us love and peace – something that has held me strongly throughout the day.

the view from my front yard

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