Tag Archives: parenting

happiness

God’s art

If you read my blog on a regular basis you’ll know that I am grateful every day that we are back home around our tribe in the place that we love most. 

There’s something about being here that is calming to my soul. Most mornings while we are driving into school we are able to look west and enjoy the mountain view. The kids get as excited as I do about how clearly we can see them and how lucky we are that this is our life. 

As a child I spent hours out here, usually on the back of my horse, appreciating God’s artwork. I didn’t know it at the time but I was doing an active meditation and communicating directly with my Source. 

Now not only do I have the opportunity to do that again, but I have the joy of experiencing it with my kids. 

Being able to appreciate the beauty that is around us really helps me to put things in perspective. The material things we have lost can always be replaced. But the joy I experience from living a life I love is priceless. 

My happiness moment today was admiring God’s artwork with Jacob as we drove into town. We are blessed. This life of happiness and love we are attracting gets brighter every day. 

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Sustainable happiness

The farther I walk on this spiritual path the more I believe that choosing happiness and love is truly the most sustainable way for me to live my life. Not that there aren’t days that I want to just lie in bed and watch Netflix, but mostly I want to be out celebrating the fact that I am alive. It wasn’t always like this, in fact it’s taken years of dedication to get to this point. I’ve had to reestablish my spiritual connection, shift a lot of my personal connections, and deepen and strengthen my connection within myself. Fortunately my life now is completely unrecognizable from the one that I was living just 2 years ago.

Even with all the bumps along the road I go to bed every night knowing that I’m closer to being the better version of myself that I’m striving to be. It certainly has not happened all on my own power either. I have this awesome tribe of people here who lift me up every day. My kids inspire me to keep reaching for greatness, and our mixed up pets teach us all what unconditional love really means. And of course the gentle hand of God has picked me up and carried me through it all – even when I’ve been swearing and dragging my heels.

Every time I ask for help I keep hearing you’re on the right path. And even though I get really impatient and want more of the path to be illuminated I know that what I’m hearing is true. I know I’m on the right path because I can feel it in my soul. I see it reflected in the kids’ eyes, I hear it in their laughter – we are moving forward in love.

My happiness moment today was listening to the kids talk to each other (when they thought I wasn’t around) about how much they love living in this house.  I love seeing the quiet moments when they play together. They are such good friends and they are blessed to have that strong bond.

Today I was reminded of the inukshuk that I saw in the sky last year – a reminder that “you are on the right path” A message from Dad, a message from God.

  

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Forgiveness

The past year and a bit have been quite the emotional rollercoaster for me. One thing that has stayed constant has been my understanding that through all the things that have been going on I have been held firmly in the hands of God. Even in the times that I have questioned things, I know that He has been guiding me and holding me.

I had a rather profound experience during my meditation yesterday. I realized that even though I’ve done a lot of work getting through and getting over the hurts that happened during the course of my marriage, and even though I’ve been very consciously working at cutting all the remaining emotional chords (the ones remaining being full of anger and pain), that I had never really said an emotional goodbye to him. And, unfortunately for me that was going to mean forgiving him.

There’s a big part of me that still does not want to forgive. I want to be small and petty and sit with my anger and hurt. There’s an even bigger part of me though that wants to be free and happy. That part of me knows that I need to forgive in order to finally be free. Remember how I swore I never, ever would forgive? Damn it!!!

I’ve struggled with forgiving him before. I did it over and over again in our marriage. What I found issue with back then was that every time I forgave him, another more painful betrayal would soon pop up and I’d have to not only deal with another forgiveness, but also the realization that I’d mistakenly given trust and placed faith once again. This time though, I’m able to go into this without having any expectations of him at all. We will never have any kind of relationship again, I won’t ever have to trust him or believe his word again. I just have to forgive him and let myself be free, so that he can be somebody that I used to know.

I couple of weeks ago I posted about how I felt I was sitting at a locked door and I thought I had the key (that key being surrender) but didn’t know how to use it. Part of the surrender I struggle with involves forgiveness. I don’t expect to forgive overnight, but I expect it to happen. I feel lucky in many ways, I am not dealing with a broken heart, that part of the relationship I dealt with years ago. However these feelings of hurt and anger can be quite the load to let go of as well. I see people decades after divorce still carrying that around and I don’t want that for myself. I want to move into  a healthy and functional relationship with a partner whom I love and trust and I have to be that person myself as well.

My aunt sent me a letter a while ago which sat forgotten on the kitchen counter. I opened it today and she wrote me about finding faith at my locked door. I think it was waiting for me to open it today because today I’m ready to really hear the words.  In part it included some scripture from Rev. 3:19-21

those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; be zealous therefore, and repent. Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.  He who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit down with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. 

God has guided me so patiently and clearly in this past year (I know He has all my life, but He’s made me pretty aware of it lately), how can I not listen?

My birthday present this year was the beginnings of the divorce, and my Mother’s Day present is the beginnings of forgiveness. I feel like they’re the two most important gifts I’ve ever given myself.

My happiness moment today happened at 1:00 am. I woke up suddenly and grabbed my phone without knowing why. I saw a few missed calls and texts from my cousin. She was trying to tell me to get outside and look at the Northern Lights. I woke the kids and we ran out into the yard to see God’s amazing light display. They were some of the best ones I’ve ever seen, they danced all over the sky. It was warm and clear and we stood out there for over an hour admiring the show in the sky.

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Boy time 

I can tell more healing is happening because we are laughing more. The kids are so good at expressing their feelings and we are all getting stronger and more able to look ahead with joy. 

Today was a laugh with my boy day. We started in the car this morning on the way to school and laughed all day until bed time (now). He’s got such a great sense of humor and I love that he’s showing it again. I love that kid so much and I’m so proud of the kind soul that he is. My happiness moment today, sharing laughs with the boy. 

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A beautiful love 

I questioned as I began the motions of this divorce how I would view love by the time I was through. I kind of laugh now looking back at how completely innocent I was in my knowledge about what had been going on in my marriage. I knew there had been betrayal, but I never imagined the depths that it went to – or the cost of it. I was completely unprepared for what I found out in discovery and processing all of that has been a real challenge for me.

As I look forward to the love that lies ahead for me I am so excited, like butterflies in my tummy excited. I had worried that I would feel bitter and angry towards men but that’s not the case. Don’t get me wrong, I’m bitter and angry towards Mr X, and even though I’m supposed to I don’t think I will forgive him for as long as I am breathing life on this planet. But, I’m not jaded at all about love. In fact, this process has made me believe in love all that much more, because now I know that real true love is an option for me. Because of this divorce I will be able to find a partner who really and truly loves me and wants to share a life with me. That’s something I thought would never happen. I embrace that with my whole heart. That brings me happiness.

On Sunday when our conference was coming to a close I witnessed the most beautiful declaration of love. Brian turned to his wife Nichole and said with a voice full of deep emotion:  you are the reason why I know God loves me.

I sat there with my heart fluttering and thought what a beautiful love. How special to have such a love and how lucky were we to watch them move in their love. Someone else said the balance of the two together creates a new whole. That’s what I want for myself. Someone who loves me that deeply and truly. Someone with whom I create a new whole. It will happen. Things are shifting in my life at an incredible pace.

This morning on our way into town Jenna made me pull over so we could see the lucky horseshoe in the sky. The past two days have been filled with unexpected happy blessings in the form of people (friends and strangers) who have held out a hand to make our lives more comfortable. Seriously, the weirdest things have been happening where people have gone out of their way to give us things or share blessings with us. Law of Attraction in motion.

Sitting with my monkeys and looking at the sign of fortune in the sky this morning was my happiness moment.

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The lion king 

When Jacob was a toddler, his favourite movie was the Lion King. I can’t tell you how many times we sat together and watched Simba and his buddies. Then there were the hours spent reenacting the movie with little action figures. Help me brother was yelled countless times as Scar would fall off the couch or the table. Good times. I love the age the kids are at now, but sometimes I miss the little versions of themselves.

Jacob was home today (PD day made a nice surprise long weekend) and he spent the day relaxing and catching up on his things. I was working in my room and he walked in carrying Ella the FancyTail Cat. He holds her up and starts singing the Lion King song (who knows the words, the tune was right). Anyone who knows Ella the FancyTailed Cat would know that this was not appreciated at all by her, which made it all the more funny for her people. Poor Ella.

What was the true happiness moment though, was seeing my boy being more like his old self. He was happy and more carefree, finding the funny in every day situations. I’m so grateful that as our family stress is decreasing their joy and carefree happiness is returning (I’m sure the same is true for me).

We did a very powerful exercise yesterday on talking with and releasing our fears. It’s similar to the work I do with Asrael, but over the course of the weekend a lot of stuff had come to the surface. I was able to acknowledge things that are blocking me and causing me fear, and to either let them go or to work with them. It’s a tool that I definitely will use not only for myself but with clients as I move ahead. There’s so much junk we are all carrying, and it really takes such little love and kindness to help others begin to release it and embrace the bliss.

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Morning giggles

The day started off with some happiness giggles. Jacob was using google translate to repeat sentences back to himself in English. He said he uses it sometimes when he’s having difficulty reading something in class – I thought this was brilliant problem solving on his part. This morning however he was using it just to be silly. 

As we were heading into town he typed hahahahahahaha into the translator and we were laughing at how silly the robotic voice sounded laughing. 

We turned the corner and ran into our family of deer having their morning meal. They lifted their heads up to greet us while munching away. Jenna started laughing and pointed out they were chewing and opening their mouthes in time to the translator saying hahahahaha. They were! It was the cutest thing to watch. 

My happiness moment, sitting on the road with the two people I love most and enjoying the morning. We are blessed. 

  

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Life is just a party 

Life is just a party, and parties weren’t meant to last. 

My life has had so many serious twists and turns in it lately. I keep thinking with gratitude of the fact that a year and three months ago I started actively looking for a happiness moment in every single day. 

Back then there wasn’t a lot for me to be happy about and often I had to work really hard to find that moment. What a blessing that was that I started looking, because the more I looked the easier they became to find. 

Looking for happiness has walked me through my dad’s death and all the gut punches that have come with this divorce. Not only that but it has led me to study the science of Ayurveda, and that  has ended up being a driving force in strengthening my connection to God and deepening my spiritual faith in ways I never would have imagined.

When I started my journey I made myself a happiness playlist that I listened to over and over on my phone. I picked out songs that over the years had made me feel happy when I listened to them.  Many of those songs were by Prince. I was very sad today to learn of his passing, but grateful for all the music and joy he brought to my life. 

I’ve been feeling more and more that I am taking life too seriously. I want to be able to look back and think of all the fun times I had. Even though the last few years had very few fun times, the ones before that had lots – and I feel strongly the the ones coming up are filled with joy and love. 

My happiness moment was cruising in the car with my portable speaker (car stereo has been broken since last summer – soon I will be able to fix it!!! Bonus happiness moment) singing along with Jenna very  loudly and badly to Prince. Thanks for the music. 

  

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Stand firm

I actually had a full and deep rest last night – which was a huge blessing as we (finally) had our support hearing this morning.

When I got up I decided to read today’s reading in the devotions book my cousin gave me yesterday.  I figured since it had given me such a strong answer to my prayer yesterday that perhaps I had better check it out before starting a day that I knew would be filled with emotion.

I won’t write the whole thing out again, but the verse was: Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. Exodus 14:13

The verse contains God’s command to me as a believer for those times when I am confronted with dire circumstances and extraordinary difficulties. What am I to do when I cannot retreat or go forward and my way is blocked to the right and to the left?

The Master’s word to me is “Stand firm”. And the best thing I can do at these times is to listen only to my Master’s word…… 

So, basically yesterday’s orders were to wait and be patient because it takes time for prayers to be answered. Today’s were to stand firm and listen for guidance.

My prayers were answered today and we were granted an order for support. It’s enough that the kids and I can join hands and walk into the new life we are creating. I don’t know where I’m going or how I’ll get there, but I do know I’m on the right path. I feel it in every part of my soul. I am grateful and happy beyond what I can properly express that the judge agreed that we need to be provided for, and that I now have the chance to spread my wings and see how well I fly.

Thank you so much to everyone who has given us so much love and support during all of this. I know there’s more ahead, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I can breathe and start to make plans for our future – and enjoy our present.  Having the comfort of my tribe around me (near and far) is one of the greatest blessings in my life.

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Learning to surrender

Learning to surrender seems to be my theme over the past year. Not too long ago I had to surrender to God as I watched Dad come to the end of his life. I so wanted a miracle, and prayed for him to get better. But that wasn’t the path, and I was finally able to surrender to God and allow what was going to happen.

As difficult (and incredibly sad) as that was in some ways it was easier than the surrender I am learning to fall into now. I knew Dad was going to die. Surrendering all of that to God felt like being lifted up and held. It provided love and comfort.

I’ve struggled much more during this divorce with the concept of surrender. I sometimes confuse that word with giving up, and I constantly have to remind myself that they have completely different meanings. I get often angry at the thought of surrender (confusing the actions) and think – I am never going to just give up. I didn’t stand up for myself (and the kids) for years, finally I’m strong enough to face this and I’m not going to wave the white flag ever.

But, giving up and surrendering are totally different. I don’t have to give up the path I am on in order to surrender to God.

Giving up means rolling up in a ball in bed and crying. It means no action, no hope, living in suffering, and moving away from the connection with God. It actually sounds much like the way I lived for years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Well, that was an eyeopening and unexpected revelation (maybe you knew it already, I didn’t until I wrote it just now).

Surrender is more an acceptance of what is. By releasing it allows for more happiness, brings me closer to God, and means embracing life as it is.

This has been such an emotionally challenging year. Having Mr. X cut off our finances not even 8 months after Dad died and then finding out he had spent thousands of dollars getting his mistress into bed while telling me he was living on rice and beans was gutting. But it showed me once and for all the person that he is. I couldn’t deny it or make excuses for that behaviour anymore.

Every time I pray for help, for support, for love I keep hearing that I need to surrender everything to Him. And then I fight it. Because I don’t want to give up. But now I understand that I can surrender without giving up. I’m not saying I’ll go gently into it. I think it will be a struggle for the rest of my life this learning how to gracefully surrender. That frustrates me because I have a strong faith and I know that  every single time I have needed Him that God has been there preforming miracles. It should be the easiest thing in the world to have complete trust in the One Being who would never let me down. And yet….

I’m a work in progress

My happiness moment was standing in my kitchen looking out at the barn listening to the song Stuck on You. I used to take my old tape recorder with songs I’d recorded off the radio (remember the 70s and 80s?) and play my songs over and over while I hung out with Pirate in the barn. Some of my best memories are of singing Stuck on You while grooming and hugging on him. He was a one of a kind pony and I feel so blessed that he was in my life. I learned so much about how to be brave and to achieve the impossible from my relationship with him. That was love.

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