We left a snowstorm in Calgary this morning and landed in a somewhat rainy but very green Victoria. It’s been 13 years since I’ve been here and it’s one of my favourite places in the world.
So fun to share my memories with my kids and to make new ones. I’ve realized how badly we needed to just let go, be, and have fun. It’s happiness
We had an early supper in town tonight at Mr. Mikes and the boy took full advantage of being allowed pop. Finally the waiter came out and said I think you’ve had enough pop for one day, so now you only get a half glass – and placed this in front of him
He just kind of sat with a blown mind for a while as the waiter laughed and laughed. Finally he drank it all the whole while trying to figure out the trick.
People who can find the funny and make others laugh are a special gift. This guy was a fantastic happiness moment.
This evening the girl and I channeled my dad as we got lost in the Walmart parking lot. He was famous for forgetting where his car was and I’m sure he would have found it hilarious watching us wander around. I was saying to her as we left the store how I wasn’t really enjoying adulting as much as I had thought I would and that what I really needed was someone to kind of manage me. No sooner had I got those words out than we realized we didn’t know where the car was and we had to stop and search the lot (it was on the far side). I didn’t realize that some poor man had been following us and listening to this entire conversation, but he certainly got some good laughs at our expense and said as he walked by yeah, this parking lot can be confusing for sure and snorted and laughed as he walked away. That was silly happiness.
I had healing happiness today in the form of some energy work that did some deep spiritual shifting and healing. It’s all coming together, maybe not as fast or as ordered as I’d like it, but it is coming together. That is gratitude and happiness.
More happiness came watching my girl practice her softball. It certainly is her sport and it’s really cool to see her be so confident and own what she is doing. Then we came home to this view… and… well… this is what happiness looks like…
One of the biggest issues I struggle with is wanting God to shine a light on this path so I know where I’m going. More than at any other point in my life I feel that I’m on the right path, that God is guiding me and supporting me – and more than at any other point in my life I have no idea at all what is happening in my life. It’s weird to have both the feeling of complete certainty that I’m on the right path and have no idea at all where that path is leading.
I guess this is what faith is about.
And I can’t leave the path because every other direction is fear and I can’t go there. I need to follow my heart, listen to my guidance, seek my bliss.
But damn. Where am I going?
The struggle is real.
My Facebook memory popped up from a year ago today and it made me realize how far I’ve come in a year. Today a year ago we were still in that terrible, fear filled state where Mr. X had cut off finances and the court order for support hadn’t been put in place. I look back at how I was then and how much stronger, wiser, braver I am now and I realize how much I have traveled on that path of faith.
I went for a drive with my boy today and he shared some of his feelings of his growth over the last year. There has been a lot of pain, but has there ever been healing and growth. And knowing that we are deepening our faith, learning to love and trust, and finding freedom – that is happiness.
Sometimes gifts really do come from heaven.
This is Drishti. I have prayed for him to come into my life for years. In the dark times, and even in some of the bright ones, I wasn’t sure how it was ever going to be possible for me to have a horse back in my life again. But, I kept praying and praying.
And then literally this gift from heaven came to me in the form of Drishti. Those of you who know me know what a big deal it is to have a horse in my life again. Having that bond and friendship with a horse is what makes my soul whole, it is the easiest way for me to find God, it completes me.
This week I have closed off one major chapter in my life in the form of divorce papers being finalized, and I have reopened one that makes my soul overflow with joy.
Watching my daughter hug on him brought back all the best memories of my childhood. I have spent hours in these corrals and in this barn playing with horses, and here we are again doing the same thing. And he’s such a love!
I am so happy I am unable to even express how I feel. It’s surreal. Two years ago yesterday we landed back home and have been so slowly rebuilding our lives. Drishti reminds me of who I am, who I was. He is my focus, my intention, literally my drishti.
If I had to paint a picture of happiness it would look exactly like this. This is what happiness to the core of my being looks like. This is what moves my soul.
I am so happy that today is the first day of spring. I love this season for many reasons (the biggest being that it means that the cold is hopefully on it’s way out), but this year I find more than ever I need the reminder that change is possible. I need to change how I am dealing with things. It seems that Mr. X plans on spending a lifetime trying to keep us in a place where we are insecure and fearful. We just got through the emotional episode he created a few weeks ago and now are in a financial one where he is apparently refusing not only to pay for the ordered treatments for the kids, but also the support payment for this month. It seems to be the one way he figures he has left to cause pain and chaos and he wants to push it until I break.
Except I’m not going to break again. The last few weeks have really made me realize that I need to strengthen my coping skills when it comes to him. I can’t allow this kind of chaos to reign in our home.
Obviously I can’t change who he is or how he rolls, but I sure can change how I deal with it. I think I have finally realized that no matter how much I hope or pray (and I have for years) that he will turn into someone I could trust or even just have a basic polite relationship with, that’s not going to happen. I hope I have anyway – it’s painful to want someone to turn into the kind of person you know they could be but to know it’s probably never going to happen.
But, here we are in a season of change. I get to decide how I am going to handle things as we move ahead. I am not going to spend the foreseeable future feeling insecure and afraid.
I was reminded in church yesterday that loved people know how to love and that it is important that we receive love so that we know how to give love. The main focus of our home has always been love, but somehow fear and anger got caught up inside of that and it changed things.
I need to make sure that our home is once again filled with love so that we can go out into the world and share love. We all need to know how to give and receive love. So, I am going to hand off my feelings of fear and anger to my higher power and to the people here who can deal with it, and I’m going to go back to loving. Part of stepping out of my fear is being able to stand up to him and not allow the way I am being treated to continue any longer. It’s not ok.
Happiness today is knowing that the season is changing and so am I. It’s been a long ass road.
We took my car on a back road today and splashed in as many of the puddles as possible. Hearing my boy howl with laughter as the muddy water sprayed over the top of the car was one of the best sounds I’ve heard in ages. Deep and true happiness
It’s starting to feel like spring – the days are getting longer, the eagles are flying, the people are smiling more. A season for change.
I will tell everyone I know how much I resent routines. I don’t like getting up and doing the school morning rush, I especially hate making lunches, I grumble every day as I go meditate, I usually don’t want to exercise, I often look for excuses not to go to church Sunday…. all of these routines that keep our lives organized I complain about.
I want to be a free spirit and just do what moves me. Except that does not work so well and it turns out I do need a bedtime, consistent mealtimes, regular meditation, regular exercise, time set aside for spiritual practice. And so do my kids.
I’ve had some pretty big nudges from the universe lately that have left me feeling a little like this:
And yet what choice do I have? Well I do.. you either pay attention and answer or you stand on the edge of the cliff forever. It’s funny, because this meme actually shows exactly what I’ve been describing to my close people lately about how I’ve been feeling. Stand and ignore or leap in faith.
We had a bunch of activities happen today, all part of our routine – and the kids thrive doing these things. This lays the foundation for happiness. Breaking out of the routine and splashing in our massive puddle like the girl and her cousin did? That’s soul laughing happiness. It’s all part of the complete package.
It seems like we are coming back to a happier kind of calm again. I am learning that I need to be able to provide safety and peace in our home no matter what is being thrown at us. So it’s the learning process of keeping myself grounded and focused on what’s important.
It felt like that today. Things are shifting inside and out. I feel new energy coming to me and the cold weather seems to finally have left us. All of that is happiness.
