Author Archives: Melissa

happiness

Letting the mind chatter go

I met with one of my amazing healers today. What I love about these sessions is I never know what is going to happen, it has taught me to let go of any agenda and just let what is supposed to happen happen. It’s a good lesson for me to have in the rest of my life as well. Things usually go so much better when I relax and allow instead of trying to force things to go the way I think they should.

CST does some amazing stuff to my nervous system and it helps release a lot of trauma and other yucky things that are stuck in there. Today I had a few instances where I would have a huge rush of very loud mind chatter, then a flash of a bright image, then my body would twitch and jump, then my mind would go completely quiet. The weird thing is each time after I had no recollection at all as to what the chatter or the images were. It was like my body was bringing up feelings, ideas, or events that it was ready to let go of and in a huge surge of energy would just purge them from my body.

So weird and so cool.

Happiness is having this supportive group of healers in my life, happiness is being open to healing and growing -that part took me a long time to open up to.

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Apples to horses 

We spent Mother’s Day doing what seemed like a very appropriate activity to celebrate the mothers in our family. We were outside, cold, watching kids ride horses. I looked at my mom and realized how she had spent a huge part of my childhood sitting somewhere freezing at the side of an arena watching me soar around on my horse, and here she was still doing it – and smiling. As I’m shuttling kids from one place to another, I think often of the sacrifices that she made giving up so much of her time to take me and my sister places.

My niece wanted to ride Drishti, so we got him all ready and she walked him around the corral. I think she would still be out there walking and smiling on top of that horse if we had let her. That kid is a natural rider and it was awesome to see how much she enjoyed it.

I think the only thing better than doing something you love, is sharing something you love with someone else. 

After our afternoon ride we went to my cousin’s place for a family Mother’s Day supper with her family, my mom, and my aunt and uncle. Great visiting, incredible food, and a crazy game of Apples to Apples to finish the night off.

All of this incredible, heart centered happiness and we didn’t even have to leave the property to enjoy it! What a blessed person I am to have a family like this!

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Pre-Mother’s Day family time

We had a pre-Mother’s Day day today. My sister and her kids came down and we all spent some time together. I get to see them so much more often now than when we were living away, but it still does not feel like often enough. I’m grateful, however, because the kids and aunts (and uncle when he can come too) all know each other so much better.

I also spent some solo time in my garden this morning getting it ready. My garden is a huge source of joy all summer long and it’s really exciting to get it started. Seeds go in tomorrow and then it’s weeding and watering while we wait patiently to eat the produce.

We had a family meal this evening and I thought as I looked around the table how grateful that this is the family I come from. Everything I know about love, strength, trust, and faith is rooted in these people at the core of my tribe. That is happiness.

Oh, and finally I saw a crocus in our field – there have been others in the area for a while, but this is the first home one and that is special. It is spring!

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In this exact moment 

It was a beautiful morning and I grabbed a quiet moment to take Drishti for a ride. I am happy to report he was much easier to catch than he was the other day. As I was walking him back to the barn, I had to stop at the top of the hill and look west at Moose Mountain which was absolutely brilliant, then I looked back at Drishti behind me and I thought this is why it’s so important to live in the moment. I have prayed for years for this exact moment to arrive. I am standing in the place I love most in the world with the horse that is absolutely perfect for me. If I was worrying or focusing on anything else but right now, I would miss this exact moment.

The mounted version of that moment came a bit later and looks like this:

It’s breathtaking, it’s humbling, it makes me know that God is here and with me, it’s peaceful, it’s loving, it’s a happiness moment. Both times I stood (sat) in gratitude and thanked Him for all my blessings. I remembered I am living the life I have prayed for.

When I was finished riding, my cousin grabbed me and asked if I would like to help her pair out cows and calves. I was all over that. I haven’t “helped” (and I use that term loosely) move cows in two years, and I had no idea how Drishti would handle it, but yes please I am so willing to do that.

 

He’s a pretty level headed guy, my horse, and he was just fine out there. We saw Derek the orphan calf from last year who didn’t seem to care that I existed at all, and lots of really cute newborns with their mamas.

The fact that this is something I can walk out my back door and do is such a huge gift from God. It is so good for my soul, it puts me back in touch with nature, I love spending time with my cousin and she’s a wealth of information so I learned a lot while I was at it.

I am grateful for every second of this life.

I am home

I am safe

I am happy

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Freedom – the release from fear

Behind every weak-ass man stands a broken woman. Today I am stepping out of that broken shadow and claiming my freedom.

I spent part of the morning talking with my lawyer. Mr. X isn’t paying, isn’t going to pay, and the state of Virginia could take a few months to force him to pay the court ordered support I fought so hard to get. If you know this man and he has told you any differently, I would be more than happy to show proof that although he did tell me he was sending payment he has not since March, and until he is forced to he will not. He won’t pay Alberta, he won’t pay Virginia, and he won’t pay me.

This is what scorched earth divorce looks like. In the process of attempting to destroy me, he is leaving his children destitute. This is how a narcissist rolls.

I sat with this information for a while this morning. I prayed, I cried, I lay down and did some energy work, and I read. Here is what I realized:

Over and over in my journals I talk about how as long as we are financially dependent on him he uses that power to keep us his victims. This is why the healing process is so long and painful, because the wounds get ripped open again as soon as they start to close up. We, and in particular my son, keep hoping and wanting him to be someone he clearly is not. He has shown us exactly who he is and it’s time to believe him. The fact is that although he has left us without any financial support at all, we are finally free from him. The kids don’t want to see or have contact with him (and haven’t for a long time), I have blocked contact and anything that needs to be discussed must go through the lawyers, and now I don’t expect him to fulfill his financial obligations. I am free from wanting anything from him. I have no more expectations, he no longer has the power to hurt me -besides following through on threats to hurt us, he has done his worst – there’s nothing left to scare me with. I have been afraid of this man for so long, afraid of his rage and his anger. I let him lie about me, cheat on me, and steal from me. There’s nothing left.

I looked around at my life and where we are living. We are in a house that has held generations of my family. It is filled with love and peace, the feeling in this house is so safe and welcoming. We couldn’t be in a better place to heal. I look outside and I see the barn, I see my horse – my spirit horse that I prayed so hard for and who is helping me heal so much – and I smile. My mom is here, my family is here, my lifelong friends are here. There is so much love surrounding us it is humbling. I would not be able to keep going if my mom wasn’t here to help me out, she shows me every single day what unconditional love is and I am so incredibly grateful.

I don’t know what the next steps look like on this path, but I know we will be ok. God has kept us safe every step so far and I have faith that He will continue to do so. I had to have a chat with the kids tonight and tell them what was going on. The boy hurts – he said so now we know… he’s never going to change. I give up. And the girl said this is why I walked away years ago. I’ve learned from him to walk away from a bad situation and never look back. Wise words from that little one. They are brave souls and they will work through this like we have worked through everything else.

Days like this are when I am grateful I started this happiness blog – it has taught me that in every moment there can be happiness. I believe that this one is a gift. It may not be happening the way I would have chosen, but we are getting our freedom. Fully and truly.

There’s nothing left, and in this empty space of nothing I’m discovering that it’s filled with love and faith. I’ve read a few times that the absence of love is fear – so I guess the reverse is true too. My greatest fear has been realized and in walking through the fear of being left with nothing I’m discovering a huge space filled with love and faith. It’s God happiness – that’s big stuff.

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Can’t catch me

I had a crash course in determination and facing fear today thanks to my lovely equine.

When I got Drishti the girl told me that he was super easy to catch and that he was at the bottom of the pecking order in his field. Well he used to be super easy to catch, but lately he has decided to make it a bit more of a challenge for me. The other day he ran away from me, and when I went to the head of the herd (Jackson) to catch him, Drishti came at him and head butted him until he also ran away. I eventually caught Jackson and immediately Drishti got so jealous he couldn’t stand it and let me catch him.

Today when I went out the same thing happened, he ran away, except this time he changed things up when I went to catch Jackson. I was just about to put on the halter and Drishti came charging up and pushed at Jackson with his chest until Jackson finally gave up and moved away. Interestingly Drishti never had his ears pinned or looked annoyed, it was like he thought he was playing a really un-fun-for-mom game. Finally I did the same thing as before- caught Jackson, had Drishti get all jealous, and caught him.

I really missed my grandma’s old dog who would chase the horses into the corral saving me hours of running up and down the field trying to catch stubborn ponies in my childhood (*cough* Pirate *cough*).

He was a jerk, I had to lunge him for a good 15 minutes to get him to calm down then I saddled him up and took him out in the field. He felt a little spooky (he never spooks) and suddenly the other horses galloped by in the next field. Drishti curled into a little ball of stress and had a momentary freak out that fortunately didn’t turn into a bucking fest.

I pulled him back to a walk, got us both under control and had to think for a few seconds about what I wanted to do. Part of me wanted to just bail, he was not his usual chill self and I didn’t feel like getting hurt. The part of me that wants to get stronger and heal knew that if I gave up I would be scared again. So, I made him do work – we did circles, we worked on bending, we did  some transitions. He was tired when we were done, and I felt happy. Happy I had faced a fear, happy because when I am riding my spirit sings.

It’s an interesting space we are in right now, this between time as we wait for my lawyer and the US system to force Mr. X to start making his court ordered payments again. It baffles me the lack of conscience this man has, but it’s been a good reminder that he just doesn’t care. At all. About anything. And along with the fear, there is a certain kind of freedom that comes from knowing that I must give up any expectations of him ever doing the right thing for his kids. It’s a painful lesson, and one I seem to have had to learn over and over, but I think I’ve got it now.

His life is so hard 

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A quiet spot

For the first time in ages we didn’t have anything to do this evening and enjoyed a quiet family night at home. It was kind of nice for the three of us to relax and just visit with each other. The kids have expressed (to my dismay) how stressed they are feeling because of the nonpayments from Mr. X. We talked about it a bit tonight and I assured them (as my mom has assured me when I have had my own meltdowns) that we are safe, we are loved, we are cared for – whatever he chooses to do or not do is on him, but our lives will go on. I think they feel a bit more secure, I know I feel a lot better knowing there are people here who love and care for us.

Happiness is found in all kinds of moments. I have to choose how I am going to handle this present situation – I am making it my mission that we will come through this stronger, more loving, and happier than before.

I don’t know what I would do without my family – my kids, my mom, my sister, and my extended family. I can’t imagine how we would have ever done this if things had fallen apart while we were away and I’m so grateful that God brought us back to our tribe. In a dark storm, that is a bright rainbow of happiness with a pot of gold at the end.

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The mom bus

It was another chilly night at ball, but I am discovering that I am building a mom tribe there which makes me happy. There are three of us who are single moms and have very similar stories and we laughed and shared tales as we discovered the things we have in common – things we never thought any of us would know about. I love that they are women who are learning who they are again, building new lives, finding the humour in dark situations, and are incredibly strong – these are women I want to be around.

The kids both are now thriving at ball. The girl is hitting her stride at bat and on the field, and the boy learned last week how to umpire and was the ump at the game tonight. She’s gaining confidence as a player, and he’s finding his voice and footing as the umpire. They’re such great kids and I’m so grateful that I get to walk every step with them. That is happiness, real and true.

I had a moment of personal happiness this afternoon as I took Drishti out for a quick ride before the chaos of the rest of the day took over. I have discovered I’m no longer scared, I’m finding my confidence too.

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Ball isn’t for princesses and unicorns 

The girl had a ball practice this afternoon. After a pretty cold and wet day the sun came out just in time and it was perfect weather. 

The boy came and helped out which was a blessing for a couple of reasons – the other moms were so impressed that he was there helping out, a couple of them commented that they had noticed what a good kid he is; and also that my boy got to spend some really qulaity time with some men doing “guy stuff”. Those dads just included him like one of the guys and I could see him standing a little taller because of it. 
On one of the pitches the coach yelled at a girl come on, swing harder – ball isn’t for princesses and unicorns. 

One of the moms and I started laughing and she said any princess who can tame a unicorn is badass enough to play ball. 

The whole afternoon was happiness. The kids are happy, we are safe, I love to see them thrive. 

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Time to weed out

My nephew came over and tilled my vegetable garden, which makes me one step closer to having things growing again. I love my gardens – both the vegetable and flower – they bring me a lot of happiness and peace.

My only problem is I always want my garden to look like this:

Somehow it never does – but still it makes me happy.

I had a friend talk me off the ledge today and remind me of where I want to put my energy. I was having an episode about the fact that Mr. X has missed 2 months of support payments, knowing that this would have a huge impact on the lives of all three of us. I know the intention is to destroy me, but I think he forgets along the way that it causes damage to the kids as well. I was texting her and saying  that I was angry, frustrated, and disappointed and she said:

Making you judge him and be mad is your remaining relationship with him.
Break up with it
It’s not a good relationship for you
She is right – it is not a good relationship for me. I have extended too much energy towards him in anger because he’s let me down over and over, for years and years. It’s the last bit of energy I give to him, but it’s energy that I could be using for more positive things. He is not going to change, he has shown me time and time again who he really is – it is time I believe it. I have to have faith that the enforcement in place and the court orders will eventually force him to make the required payments. And until then we live as we are – on miracles, and faith.
Having the friends I do – women who have gone through or are going through the same situation and doing it with such dignity and grace – that is happiness.
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