Author Archives: Melissa

happiness

Let it be

I made a decision today to change how I’m doing things. 

I’ve been working hard (with varying success) on letting go, but I read an article that convinced me that John Lennon had it right and instead I should let it be. 

Often when I’m letting go I’m trying to push things out, to make them not there. Instead I think I need to let them be. Honor the fact that they are there, that things have happened that have shaped me into who I am – good and bad – and let them be. Not change it, not dwell in it, not push it away or deny it. Just acknowledge it and let it be. 

I’m changing the rules of the game so that they work better for my new life. Happiness. Pure and raw. 

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Little kindness

I’m sitting in the gym of a high school watching boys play basketball. As an aside, can I just say that the smell is so bad it makes me want to cut my nose off. Although my school is losing (badly), I have to say that they’re all playing  really well – both teams. They are much less boys out there and much more young men – so big and strong. 

My boy had been under the impression he was playing today and was pretty excited about it. However, when we got here he was told that in fact he was not playing. 

I never did team sports, the only sports parther I ever had was 4 legged and  used to sneeze all over me. I miss my horses… So I can’t totally relate to this desire to want to be part of the team. I have spent most of my life trying to not be part of the team. Like our cat Ella close but no touching. But I kind of get it. I always had a tribe of girls I rode with and although it wasn’t a team dynamic we had a closeness that still holds all these years later. 

At the beginning of the game the boys gathered together in a huddle. Mine was standing a little behind them, not in uniform and feeling a little out of place. Two boys stepped back and opened the circle to include him. One of them did the little rub and pat back rub on him.  

I almost cried. Those little acts of kindness mean so much. They are so easy to do, so easy to forget to do, and SO powerful. It changed his whole demeanour. It was a moment when my heart leapt in happiness. 

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Peace is always a heart issue

Yesterday at the end of my transformational acupuncture session, I experienced a moment where I felt like I was coming home in my body. I don’t know how else to describe it, except as a moment of deep inner peace unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. A few minutes (seconds… who knows?) into my experience the man guiding me said this resonates as the vibration for the sound om – which can bring you home.

It made me realize how long it’s been since I’ve truly felt at peace, safe and secure in my own body, in my own life. Now that I’ve experienced that feeling I want it all the time! The good thing is at least I now have a memory to reference to, something that I can draw on as I’m feeling my way towards peace.

Because God always brings things to me as I need them, the sermon today at church was all about peace. Timely eh?

So, here’s what I learned:

Peace is always a heart issue

When I’m struggling to find peace, when I feel that I have been robbed of peace,  I need to stop and ask where is my heart? Who has my heart? The answer will tell me all I need to know, and what I  need to do because I cannot know God’s peace until I have surrendered my heart to God.

It’s all about that trust issue. I just need to trust God – He’s got my back. And I know this. In my darkest times, when I have needed him the most, I have felt His presence so strongly. He has saved me from some really nasty shit.

It’s also a heart issue. Fortunately the past couple of years I’ve been working hard on reconnecting with my heart, learning to trust it again, learning to flow from it again, learning to connect to others with it again.

It’s a fear issue. The pastor pointed out that in the moments when I have not trusted God, when I’m not feeling peace at any level, it’s because I’m afraid of something. Which is totally true. I spent so long being so afraid of everything that I stopped trusting. When my trust was betrayed over and over again by someone I loved and whom I had put my faith in, I stopped trusting not only in him, but also in myself and sometimes in God. I don’t need to trust Mr. X ever again, but I’ll never be at peace if I don’t trust myself and if I don’t trust and have faith in God. So, I will.

We came home from church and there was finally enough snow to play in. The kids pulled out their sleds and we enjoyed one of the best things about winter at the ranch. It was sheer happiness listening to them laugh as they flew along on their sleds.

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Transformational healing

I am blessed in that I am surrounded by a community of amazing healers. New ones keep entering my life at every step of my growth and what is happening is pretty awesome.

Today I had an appointment with someone who does transformational acupuncture. I don’t even know how to begin to describe the session, but it opened up a whole new path on my healing journey. It made me aware of issues that I’ve been dealing (and not dealing) with for years, it gave me some awareness of how to embrace them and how to work with them.

He kind of “Yoda’d me” with some wisdom. Some very obvious wisdom, but sometime I really need things dumbed down and said very plainly so that I can see how obvious it is.

We were talking about my life over the last few years and the journey of healing and growth that I have been on as a result of it. He pointed out (which I was aware of) that maybe the pain and dark times was to let me know for certain that I needed to strengthen my relationship with God, to walk His path, and to trust in my faith. That faith part has been a big deal the last couple of years. I really have learned that when I trust and have faith in God that he always comes through for me – maybe not in the way I had intended, but always in the way that is best.

But then he said that I needed to be really clear about how I was looking at things. Like when Yoda said do or do not, there is no try – he pointed out that I either have faith or I don’t, that I either am happy or I’m not. There’s no in between. If I say I’m seeking happiness, then I’m not happy. If I’m happy, I’m enjoying my life of happiness, sitting in that moment with it, not seeking it because it is already with me. Same thing with faith – I either have faith that God has a plan for me and that I’m walking a spiritual path with Him, or I have doubt that I’m doing the wrong thing and that He does not have my back. I’ve been filled with doubt – even when I’ve been focusing on my faith. My brain loves to grab all of the what ifs and go crazy with them.

And why do I not always have faith? I know to the core of my soul that God has been holding my hand and walking me through this tornado of pain and emotions that has been raging around me. I feel His love, I know He is there for me. Why do I sit in doubt and fear when happiness and faith is an option? He is offering me peace in the storm and I so often choose to stand fearfully alone in the turmoil.

Seriously. It’s so simple and yet SO  hard.

But, now I am aware of that and my intention is to walk in faith, in happiness, and in peace. I know what it feels like and I believe that we were meant to have both in this life.

And THAT is my happiness moment.  


 

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The best sandwich ever

It is seeming to become an almost weekly event, the boy and I going to the Italian Centre on Friday evening for a grocery shop and a snack. The food is so good, and it’s fun to spend some quiet quality time with my boy.

He’s fallen in love with some sandwiches they make there, and whenever we go he tries to load up the cart with as many as he possibly can. Tonight when we were there however, they said (at 4:10) that they stopped making them at 4:00 and they wouldn’t make him one. Weird, because they have made him sandwiches much later in the evening – but whatever.

He stood there sad and stunned for a few minutes and then I said why didn’t he take a photo of the listed ingredients and we could just buy them and he could make his own sandwiches at home. What happened next was quite interesting.

He sent me off to get baguettes and he went to the deli and did all the ordering himself. I checked in once and he brushed me off – I’ve got this mom– so I went and found the vegetable spread that he needed.

When we got home, he spread out his purchases and got to work. He carefully cut the different cheeses he’d purchased, he layered the meats, sprinkled the oil and oregano, and then stuck it in the oven to heat up a little bit. When it was done he cut it into small pieces and let Jenna and I each try a little bit.

It was SO good. He said that while the sandwiches he’d been buying used to be his favourite, they had nothing on this one that he’d just made. He declared it the best sandwich ever.

It was a moment of great happiness watching him create a food masterpiece. Especially since the idea was born out of the disappointment of not getting what he initially wanted – as so many great things are.

It was a great freaking sandwich…

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Because he’s a good person

I had the nicest compliment paid to me about my boy today. I took Jenna to see my friend T who styles our hair and she had buzzed Jacob yesterday while I was off doing other things with the girl. 

T told me that she’d tried to grab Jacob to give him a hug yesterday as he was leaving because she had so enjoyed their conversation and wanted to wish him a merry Christmas she said that she had been amazed – the first thing he did when he sat in her chair was ask her how she and her boyfriend were doing. T  was amazed at how he had remembered things about her life and seemed so genuinely interested  in how she was doing. 

We agreed that while that quality was rare in anyone these days, it was even more rare in a 15 year old boy. He has always been a sensitive soul, but I’m sure that all the crap he’s been through in the past few years had made him even more aware of the feelings of others. I was so proud and so happy that he shows his tenderness and compassion so freely to those in his circle. It’s a good soul that kid has and I love that he shines it out to the world. It was beyond a moment of happines and. I will cherish that in my heart for a long time to come. 

I also had an energy session with Asrael today and a she helped me shift around so much. The sessions are always so powerful, but I really feel right now like I’m in a significant transformational period in my life. I’m grateful because suddenly I’ve had a succession of healers line up to help me as I’m learning how to get through this phase. It’s one that I believe will bring so much healing and personal power, but it’s sure unknown territory. The gift of Asrael in my life and the healing she assists me with brings me deep gratitude and happiness. 

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happiness

Walk through it

The best way out is always through (Robert Frost).

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about when to fight and when to walk. Is the passive approach the way to peace? I used to believe the best way to actually resolve things was to choose the passive, not confrontational approach. I’m changing my stance on that. This has been one of the great lessons of 2016 for me. 

A month or so ago I was reading the Bhagavad Gita and totally understood why Arjuna was struggling to understand why he had to fight. I spent some time really thinking about that and what situations warranted a battle. Were there situations that warranted a battle? For the last few days The Coward of the County has found its way onto my Spotify playlist. I hadn’t listened to that song in years. And suddenly there it was – explaining that sometimes you had to stand and fight. Life lessons from the Bhagavad Gita and Kenny Rogers. 

Jacob has been struggling with some kids at school – mostly regular teen stuff – so I made him listen to the song. Now it’s on his playlist and he’s really diving into  the question of when it is time to fight and when it is time to walk away. 

I don’t think fighting always has to be a bloodbath. But sometimes you need to stand up for what you believe is right. You have to stand up to protect the ones that you love. You have to stand up to find your self-respect. 

Or at least I need to.

Robert Frost is absolutely correct. The best way out is always through. I’m going to make sure I walk through this, that I heal through this, that I stand up for myself through this. But also that I get through this. I refuse to get stuck in it. It’s not who I am, it’s something I’m going through. It’s changing me, but not defining me. 

I am going to come out of it so much stronger, kinder, braver, and with such a greater understanding of who I am and what I want. 

Today was a beautiful morning. It was cold as you know what out, but Jenna got up before 7 and headed to the barn with her cousin to feed Derek. I love the compassion and responsibility this is teaching her. I had to stop twice on the way home to look at the amazing sunrise. I feel so blessed that this is where we are. I feel Gods love so strongly for us, and the love and support of our tribe is unbelievable. We are fortunate souls. The sunrise, the strength, the faith, the hope for better things coming our way – my happiness moment.  

The view on the way home

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Cousin chats

Today was a day filled with unexpected cousin chats. It’s a happiness moment because I love the fact that I have so many cousins, and even the ones I don’t get to see very often I feel I have a tight bond with.

I had a barnyard chat with one at home, a skype chat with one in Scotland, a Canadian Tire chat with one in town, a phone chat with one in Winners, and then a text string with some others.

It’s a big deal because I’ve been feeling kind of overwhelmed lately. It’s good to remember that there’s this tribe of people around. We all have our crap that we are dealing with, but we are also all there for each other, there’s a lot of joy to be shared. When I’m feeling low it helps to remember how isolated we were even just a couple of years ago, and how much better it is now.

Happiness, blessings, joy, peace. I love it.

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happiness

Know your worth


One really positive thing that has come out of the shit storm that has been 2016 is that I have finally discovered my worth. I found it in the parking lot at Winners when someone told me very clearly how very little value they felt I had. I remember standing there thinking – wow, I can’t believe you think you’re too good for me – and also – just because you see so little value in me does not make that true. In fact, as I processed it over the next few days I realized how much I have come to know my own worth. It actually became much less about that person, or any other person, and a real celebration as I understood how far I have come on my healing journey.
It may sound small, but after years and years of being devalued I had started to believe that in fact I had very little worth. It has taken what feels like forever to build that back up and remember that I have so much to give, so much to share, and if someone else does not see that then that is really their loss.

Today was one of those less than enjoyable days in this process of the divorce where I was once again shown that truth is immaterial and respect and kindness are non-existent. The difference between now and February when I first started discovering some hidden truths, is that I know my own value now. It still hurts, and I still get really pissed off. But how he feels and what he says is not a reflection of who I really am. I’ve remembered I’ve got some mad inner strength and I can handle whatever is put my way.

One time when I was about 19 I was out riding Rolex. He was still green and loved to buck, especially when we were out on a hack. He got a little excited and gave a big buck that sent me sailing over his head. I realized mid air that I still was holding onto the reins. I suddenly got incredibly angry that he was turfing me and I was going to have to walk back to the barn by myself. I gripped onto the reins with all my strength and had a death lock on them when I landed. He freaked out and started running, dragging me swearing and screaming along on the ground. Eventually he stopped, I got up, cursed at him a little more, got back on, and rode home.

It’s like that now. I’ve got the death lock on and I’m really determined.

Having rediscovered who I am – it’s not only my happiness moment today, but it’s a gift  that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

 

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Grey Cup 2016

My cousin and family had us over this evening to watch the Grey Cup. While it was disappointing to see the Stampeders lose, it was so much fun to watch the game together. 

Those are the bigger moments that I really missed during our years of being gypsies. The family get togethers, the sharing, the eating (omg does my family ever eat – so many girls complaining about overeating  while stuffing our faces), the camaraderie. I know having settled myself in many other places that what I have here can never be replicated. I am eternally grateful for my tribe. 

Happiness moment – sitting with a plate piled high, laughing with the fam. 

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