Tag Archives: abuse

happiness

Know your worth


One really positive thing that has come out of the shit storm that has been 2016 is that I have finally discovered my worth. I found it in the parking lot at Winners when someone told me very clearly how very little value they felt I had. I remember standing there thinking – wow, I can’t believe you think you’re too good for me – and also – just because you see so little value in me does not make that true. In fact, as I processed it over the next few days I realized how much I have come to know my own worth. It actually became much less about that person, or any other person, and a real celebration as I understood how far I have come on my healing journey.
It may sound small, but after years and years of being devalued I had started to believe that in fact I had very little worth. It has taken what feels like forever to build that back up and remember that I have so much to give, so much to share, and if someone else does not see that then that is really their loss.

Today was one of those less than enjoyable days in this process of the divorce where I was once again shown that truth is immaterial and respect and kindness are non-existent. The difference between now and February when I first started discovering some hidden truths, is that I know my own value now. It still hurts, and I still get really pissed off. But how he feels and what he says is not a reflection of who I really am. I’ve remembered I’ve got some mad inner strength and I can handle whatever is put my way.

One time when I was about 19 I was out riding Rolex. He was still green and loved to buck, especially when we were out on a hack. He got a little excited and gave a big buck that sent me sailing over his head. I realized mid air that I still was holding onto the reins. I suddenly got incredibly angry that he was turfing me and I was going to have to walk back to the barn by myself. I gripped onto the reins with all my strength and had a death lock on them when I landed. He freaked out and started running, dragging me swearing and screaming along on the ground. Eventually he stopped, I got up, cursed at him a little more, got back on, and rode home.

It’s like that now. I’ve got the death lock on and I’m really determined.

Having rediscovered who I am – it’s not only my happiness moment today, but it’s a gift  that I will cherish for the rest of my life.

 

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The Boys

I shared some time today with two of my favourite boys.

After dropping the monsters off at school, I walked into the field and had some cuddle time with Derek. I have no idea why I feel this bond with this guy – being that I’m more than a little afraid of the bovine species – but man I love him. I think it’s because he was born into such tough circumstances, and not only survived but flourished despite the odds being against him that makes me admire him so much. Anyway, he’s awesome..

 

I had supper and did some errands with my human boy this evening. As I dropped him off at his grandma’s for the night he turned and ran back to the car and yelled “I love you mom”,  and then went inside. The bond I have with that kid is crazy strong, and it was born out of some pretty tough circumstances. I will never, ever take for granted the relationship I have with my kids. I feel so fortunate that they want to bring me so closely into their hearts.

My boys – happiness moments. Bliss. Love.

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Basketball 

After a year of hoping and practicing, the boy had tryouts for basketball today – and he made the team. He’s had a pretty rough year and he so needed something positive like this in his life. I’m incredibly happy and so proud of him. He really dedicated himself to getting more skilled for this year. Heart happy happiness moment. 

Things are getting happier and happier in my little family. It’s a long road of healing, but we are on it and it’s getting better all the time. 

Jenna and I had to stop and admire the sunset on the way home. And then she had to listen to me do the whole can you believe we live here? Look at the mountains thing that I do so well. 

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Cochrane light up

Jenna and I made it for the tail end of Cochrane Light Up this evening. The timing was actually perfect as we had a few minutes to look around at the booths, stand by the fire, smell the hotdogs (but not eat… yuck), and go to Mackay’s to see the gingerbread houses, before it was time for the fireworks. 


Last year was kind of a difficult time. There was so many emotions floating around I had a hard time getting as Christmas happy as I’d like. 

But this year…

This year we are going to whoop it up. I love Christmas and we have so much happiness to celebrate. So much to be grateful for. 

Walking Main Street Cochrane with Jenna, the start of the Christmas season – happiness moment parfait. 

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Third chakra stuff 

I did some Healing Light Yoga today focusing on the third chakra. I did this a week or so ago and it made me realize some pretty amazing things about my emotional energy. This time was probably as profound, but in a totally different way. 

I love that somehow I have ended up in this place where I can really play with how this energy works. It’s something I’ve always been aware of, but have been so in awe and uncertain of it. I’ve been kind of afraid to experiment  much with what that energy can do until now. 

Feeling the different energies move and shift as I worked with them today was my moment of happiness. It’s all part of this Ayurvedic healing journey and I’m so grateful for I’m on it. 

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Changing the rules 

I’ve been having a discussion lately with someone who has been making me think really hard about all of the rules, barriers, and safety measures I’ve had to put in place over the last few years to make myself feel safe. It’s been feeling for a few months like big things were changing and shifting in how I live my life and I’m starting to realize that it’s time to shake up those old, no longer needed rules. 

The fact that I’m secure, happy, and grounded enough now to even be able to consider shifting old beliefs that are no longer serving me is a happiness moment beyond what I can even begin to describe. It’s led me to an entirely different and more exciting way of looking at things. It’s pretty cool. 

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Energy Shifts

I’ve been doing a lot of energy work lately. This morning I had a massive shift and some understandings of these blocks I’ve been struggling with finally became clear. With the clarity is the knowledge of how to move them, shift them, let them go. 

It’s a really big deal in my healing journey. I’m pretty excited about it. 

It’s been kind of fun to play with this energy a bit. I’ve got a much deeper understanding of what it is and how it works for me as I’ve been focusing on it over the last coupe of weeks. 

It’s one more step on the journey, a little move ahead in my healing, and a whole lot of happiness. 

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Old town

I had an afternoon in town today that reminded me of how Cochrane used to be – you know, when going to town was a social event and you knew almost every person you came across.

I had tea with members of my tribe – soul sisters really. I don’t remember meeting them, they’ve just always been part of the extended family of loved ones. It is such a blessing to have these people who we can go years (in this case a year – it took us a year to get together again!) without seeing but when we get back together it’s like no time has passed. Well, except for the fact that we have to all talk like mad to catch each other up on what has happened. And the little time we had today was not nearly enough for that. Still, we laughed and shared in our precious time. That was happiness.

What a great thing  – to have a visit and to know that we have to do it again soon because there’s still so much more to share and laugh about (it’s a bonus that we all agreed that we have to be home in bed by 9 which seriously limits our social availability. I love that my people sleep). That will be more happiness.

On the way home I skidded into an old friend riding her horse down the road. I had an impromptu visit with her which came with the added bonus of her offering me a horse to ride, and a reminder of her offer to give riding lessons to Jenna. Horses… yay!!! Friends…… bigger yay! Bonus happiness.

I’m so grateful that we have this tribe of people around us. Sometimes life gets overwhelming and really difficult and I feel all alone, but then I look around and remember I’m surrounded by all of these amazing people.  I’ve learned that sometimes you need to walk away and sometimes you need to stand strong and fight your battles. I’m thankful that I don’t have to do it alone.

 

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Walk of faith 

Last summer I was outside in the yard playing with my sister, her kids, and my kids. When it was time to come back in the house, my sister stood and held the kitchen door open so my (then) 4 year old niece could come inside.

Instead of walking through the open door, S stood just outside and stressed about the fact that she was fearful that her mommy would shut the door on her. In the stubborn way that only little kids can have she stood there refusing to move, all the while saying that she doubted that her mommy would keep the door open for her.

My sister explained to her (several times) that she would never shut the door on her, asked her had she ever not been there for her when S needed her? She would never hurt her, S knew that she could trust her, and she was her mom and she loved her very much.

Yet still, this little girl doubted this loving being who had never shown her anything besides safe, caring, unconditional, protective love.

When S finally pranced safely through the door, I turned to my sister and said do you ever think that’s how God feels about us? He’s never given us any reason to doubt him, He’s always protected us and loved us, and yet we seem to question Him every step of the way.

It’s kind of stood out to me as an important reminder that I can and should trust that He is walking beside me, is loving me, and is holding the door open for me all I have to do is walk through it.

Apparently because I felt like crying this afternoon, I spent some time going through old emails that my Dad had sent me. He used to send me some really thoughtful comments about my blog, and his messages were always so full of love and support. So, I cried because I miss him, I cried because we didn’t come home sooner, I cried because I feel like I’ve let my kids down.

But, in all that crying, I came across an email sent by my dad which included a photo he titled “the door waiting to be opened“. He said:

the caption that hit me for this photo is “the door waiting to be opened”. I realize that it’s not the initial object the eye focuses on, but as I was taking the photo (in the middle of apple blossoms with the trunk of the aging apple tree in front of me) that was the message that came to me.

I kind of feel like I’ve been standing outside waiting for the door to be opened, when in reality it’s been open all the time just waiting for me to walk through it. It’s that whole having faith that as I walk through it, knowing that it won’t get slammed on me. And while people can be really good at slamming doors, I have no reason to believe that He who has led me so patiently on this path would do anything besides hold my hand as I walk through it.

 

I shared this story in a small group this morning at church. Starting to really own and understand the strength in my faith – that’s my happiness moment. Starting to walk through the door – that’s me walking into my dharma, my bliss, my love.

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Absolutely nothing 

I’m lying here in the hammock in our yard staring up at the big old trees. I came out to put away all the outdoor furniture. But since it’s 20C and the 5th of November i. Alberta, I succumbed to the call of the hammock. 

I was looking at our old house. There’s so much history in those walls, in this yard. It’s where my family started building a life in Alberta a hundred and thirtyish years ago. 

I love that after all of our time  of uncertainty, of feeling ungrounded that this is where we were brought to heal and get strong  again 

Jacob looked out the window of his bedroom and waved at me. I realized that he and his great grandfather who were born 98 years apart both spent parts of their childhood surrounded by the walls of this home. 

The great thing about a beautiful day like this where I have accomplished absolutely nothing is that it has given me time to reflect on where we are, where I want to see us go, how grateful I am for all that God has provided for us, and how incredibly fortunate we are to be part of this tribe. 

It is what happiness moments are all about 

Sunrise from our front yard. 

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