Tonight the girl met the rest of the girls on her softball team. This is her thing and it’s so cool to see her confidence shine. The coach did an amazing job of getting the girls to know each other by way of a game and they were all really having a lot of fun.
I love watching my kids thrive doing things they’re passionate about. It makes mama happy!
Yesterday I was brought back to the words of my acupuncturist: that even when you are focused on and connected to the Divine, life can hit you out of nowhere and throw you off balance.
That was pretty much yesterday in a nutshell. One second I was thinking how great it was that I kinda had my crap together and things were under control and literally the next second full on, meltdown crisis in the parking lot. And it’s so much harder to deal with when the pain belongs to someone I love, but I can’t fix it. I know the cause of it, but not the cure. It breaks me. Maybe I need to be broken. I don’t know.
A couple of weeks ago my aunt emailed me a psalm reading because I was complaining that God wasn’t shining His flashlight brightly enough on my path.
Psalm 119:105
Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.
It wasn’t really the answer I wanted (I wanted to know what was ahead on the path), but the words have been sitting in my heart ever since.
Today I was doing some studies, trying to rebalance myself again, and came across something similar. A reminder that it’s a process, that endurance is needed and that the light is always there.
So, I got a little angry with God and went out and had my usual field temper tantrum asking why if the light was there it couldn’t be bright enough so I can see down the path and know that everything will be ok.
This is a lesson in faith, learning to surrender control. I don’t like it. I like the illusion I have control enough to keep us safe and looked after. I totally don’t.
I realized that maybe the light is only being shone brightly where I’m standing because I need to pay attention to what is happening now, not looking ahead down the path.
I also don’t like this. But I think it’s important. There are things happening that need my attention right now. And in this moment where the light shines we are safe. That should be enough. Should. It’s what I’m gong to focus on anyway – I’m letting g of all the other distractions and looking at what is important.
And for the moments when it’s not enough, I have Drishti. He forces me to have faith and trust when I’m scared, he makes me learn when to hold on and let go, he reminds me how to be in the moment. He’s helping fix my soul.
Tootling around the field with him, that is happiness.
The boy and I went to a service today that celebrated the Buddha’s birthday (while all the other Christians were at Palm Sunday), so I can now add that to the list of interesting things I’ve done. And it was quite interesting, and enjoyable, and very peaceful. I like the quiet meditation and the sensei is really very funny. The kids brought a (chocolate, this was very important, the buddha likes chocolate apparently) cake in and as they walked we sang happy birthday. When we were done one of the smaller kids asked the sensei how old Buddha was. He answered: how old is Buddha? Buddha is one – because Buddha is one with everything. Hahahah – truth.
Afterwards they had a celebratory lunch which we were invited to, so we had this amazing (free) meal and got the chance to meet some pretty interesting people. It was fun to be part of their celebration and it was a happiness moment I got to share with my boy who seems to find a lot of peace in this.
I had a moment of personal happiness later in the day after having conversations with two different friends. I chatted with them about somethings that have been weighing heavily on my mind and in my heart and came away feeling so much better – not only about the issues, but about the fact that I have such supportive, loving friends. This tribe I have is amazing and I am grateful for them always. That is life happiness.
We went to Melissa’s in Banff tonight for supper – it’s been ages since I’ve eaten there. We were in desperate need of a mountain hug and our feet found our way to this place to eat.
We played our own version of fun with flags and quizzed each other on the flags that were hanging on the ceiling at the restaurant. The meal was yummy and after having taken a 3 week sugar break I ate an insane amount of fudge brownie dessert – because life is short.
I love these kind of moments, where happiness just is. Family together in a beautiful place. 
I signed my final divorce papers today. Assuming he does the same, that part will be over and done with very soon. I felt incredible relief as I put pen to paper and let go of years of hope, fear, distrust, shame, loss, and sadness. It is over and I don’t have to ever go back to it again. Thank God.
I told my lawyer at the end of our meeting you know, three years ago I was going to bed with a can of Raid wasp spray beside my bed for protection because things were so volatile I was afraid of what could happen in the night. Now I live back around my family and I get to ride whenever I want, we are safe and our whole lives are different – and I showed her a photo of Drishti and where we live. It was a pretty amazing moment to just let those feelings of the last few years of my marriage, the last year of the divorce, and the understanding of where and who I am now flow through me. A lot has changed.
I had to stop by my accountant and give him a letter from the lawyer about support payments. He said the government wants detailed accounts and that sometimes it can be a battle. I smiled (he knows enough of my story just from seeing my tax info filled with court orders) and said one thing I’ve learned over the last year is I’m not afraid anymore to go to battle – it’s what I do. He then said the kindest thing – well just know that this battle you won’t be going into alone. I’ll be there with you and you will be just fine. I mean, really there’s nothing to battle – I have all the documents to prove what I need, it’s just the difficulty sometimes of dealing with the tax department. Thank God I found this man, he has helped me sort through things for two years now with such kindness and patience.
I have learned two things over the last year. One is that I want to be completely independent and rely on no one for anything ever. The other is that I would not be where I am if I didn’t have the support of the people who love me and if I couldn’t have depended on them for help, love, and support (emotional and financial).
I could never survive without my tribe.
I thought there would be more sadness today, but I think all the sadness happened when I filed for divorce and was admitting that things were never going to be how I wanted them to be. Today there was just happiness and relief. It is the start of a new era, I get to make a new path, hope for a better future, build a new life.
A few weeks ago I had this amazing acupuncture treatment. I don’t know how to explain what he does, but it does weird and powerful things to my energy.
I was telling him about the issue I was having staying connnected to God and a message I had received from Him that I was having a hard time figuring out (of course I wasn’t having a hard time figuring it out, I just wasn’t a fan of the message and wanted it to be something easier).
He had me out my arm out and use all my force to stop him from pushing it down. I am weak apparently and it didn’t take much for him to break my hold. Then he told me to pick a spot to focus on (my drishti before Drishti) and connect myself to my Source and hold my arm. He couldn’t move it no matter what he did.
He said this is how strong you are when you are connected to God. Why would you go through life any other way?
And then he grabbed my waist and pushed me sideways towards the couch and said of course, when you’re totally focused and in balance, life has a way of coming at you ahd throwing you off balance where you least expect it.
Truth.
Today I was a it riding Drishti and was all proud of myself. I had finally found a good balance of holding on and letting go. I was trusting him to run and have his head a little more and feeling so happy that I could literally let go of the reins and enjoy the ride.
And of course he took that opportunity to stick his head between his legs and take off bucking. He was just having fun and I was able to stop him before I hit the ground. But a reminder that the balance of holding on and letting go is constant. And that even when I think I’ve got it all figured out the unexpected will happen.
A good lesson to hold as we walk this path that has so much uncertainty. I know it’s being lit up as I need it to be, but I still want a stronger flashlight.
There is a soul freedom I get on that horse I can’t get doing anything else. I connect myself to God and just am. It’s happiness. He’s awesome.
I hate meeting new people. It was one of the hardest things about our constant moving – that I had to make new friends over and over. It’s hard to establish that tribe.
I made a new friend by accident this morning. It started with her saying I don’t know how you feel about God but…. and lead to us talking about everything from our spiritual beliefs to parenting to marriage to the difficulty of having curly hair.
It was weird because we just opened up and shared some pretty personal things with each other – and I usually don’t do that.
Happiness is a new and unexpected friend.
I discovered today as I was flying down the dirt road playing music as loudly as my stereo could handle it that I was feeling really angry. Not just mad or upset, but beat things with a baseball bat angry. Not as a lifestyle, but as an emotion that is passing through me. And I had to sit with how I felt about that for a while.
But first- why am I angry?
I did my taxes this morning. Well, to be honest some kind man did my taxes for me. Between what I have spent on legal fees and what I owe I taxes it covers almost all of the support I have received from Mr. X. And my lawyer informed me that I spent over 65% of my legal fees just forcing that man to pay support.
As this realization hit me on the back road – that I was crazy angry – my first impulse was to dismiss, stuff down, or deny that feeling. But that is what the old me does – now I am working at allowing all the feelings to come and go – the good ones and the bad ones.
We lived in a house where it was not safe to have any feelings. If there were angry ones we got raged at for being angry, if there were hurt or scared ones we got raged at for that as well. But the good feelings weren’t allowed either – if things were too good or we were too happy then rage would come to make sure we didn’t ever feel that we deserved to have happy feelings. It’s enough to make one end up feeling emotionally numb. And it certainly left me feeling scared of having any emotions.
But, I’m angry. And it’s ok to be angry. Because it’s not going to turn me into a angry person, it’s not going to define who I am. I’m just angry.
And, actually I’m not even angry anymore.
Why?
Two things happened.
One is I read my devotional this morning from Streams in the Desert and it told me this (which I held close to my heart all day):
Once our eyes are opened by God, we will see all the events of our lives, whether great or small, joyful or sad, as a “chariot” for our souls. Everything that comes to us becomes a chariot the moment we treat it as such. On the other hand, even the smallest trial may become an object crushing everything in its path into misery and despair if we allow it. The difference then becomes a choice we make. It all depends not on the events themselves but on how we view them. If we simply lie down, allowing them to roll over and crush us, they become an uncontrollable car of destruction. Yet if we climb into them, as riding in a car of victory, they become the chariots of God to triumphantly take us onward and upward.
There is no way I’m letting that chariot run me over if the other option is to hop in and let it take me for a glorious ride. I’ve been feeling run over lately, I forgot there was another choice.
The second thing was that I came home and healed my soul with Drishti. I left the home that my great grandparents built and we now live in thanks to my uncle and aunt, passed the barn my grandpa built, walked by the field where my cousin keeps her horses, to my Drishti who came into my life thanks to a gift left by my godmother, and rode him out to the field where the swans are – a place that we have enjoyed as a family for generations (and one that particularly brings back really fond memories of my dad). I realized how incredibly blessed and fortunate I am. The kids are safe and happy and are getting to live this amazing childhood in the fold of their family. I am safe and happy and living an amazing life in the fold of my family. I have my Drishti to keep me sane and focused. Everything else is just noise.
I will not be run over.
So, in a weird way, honouring that anger brought me to happiness. It brought me through the angry feelings, allowed me to experience them and understand why I had them, and it allowed it to move out. I was able to balance myself in the happy life that I have created and remember how incredibly much there is to be grateful for.
the view through Drishti’s ears
the swans as we rode by
This evening the girl and I channeled my dad as we got lost in the Walmart parking lot. He was famous for forgetting where his car was and I’m sure he would have found it hilarious watching us wander around. I was saying to her as we left the store how I wasn’t really enjoying adulting as much as I had thought I would and that what I really needed was someone to kind of manage me. No sooner had I got those words out than we realized we didn’t know where the car was and we had to stop and search the lot (it was on the far side). I didn’t realize that some poor man had been following us and listening to this entire conversation, but he certainly got some good laughs at our expense and said as he walked by yeah, this parking lot can be confusing for sure and snorted and laughed as he walked away. That was silly happiness.
I had healing happiness today in the form of some energy work that did some deep spiritual shifting and healing. It’s all coming together, maybe not as fast or as ordered as I’d like it, but it is coming together. That is gratitude and happiness.
More happiness came watching my girl practice her softball. It certainly is her sport and it’s really cool to see her be so confident and own what she is doing. Then we came home to this view… and… well… this is what happiness looks like…
Sometimes it feels like this divorce will never end. Honestly, it is so frustrating to fight over and over about support that has already been decided on but that does not get paid. And we both end up spending so much money on lawyers to end up at the same place.
It’s why it’s so important for me to keep my focus on what’s important – to find my Drishti and tune in to that.
What is a Drishti?
A few years ago I first heard the term in an online yoga class I was taking. It refers to a point of focus – the idea being that where our gaze is directed our attention naturally follows. When you can focus in on a single object the chaos and distractions of the outside world disappear and you are able to let go of the anxiety and stress and can calm and focus your mind.
I would stand in tree pose and look out the window of our living room at the trees growing in the yard and focus on a branch. I would put in my mind the feeling I had when I was riding and let my love for my horses sit on that branch and become my Drishti.
So when I met this beautiful bay gelding who was named Stars, I knew that he was my Drishti and so Drishti he became.
Tonight I trudged out in the snow (snow!!!) to feed and visit him and spent a few minutes in gratitude for the fact that my drishti, my focus, the thing that I put my attention on to close out the chaos and stress of the outside world, materialized into this loving, amazing Drishti who is becoming such an important part of my life and of my healing.
This is happiness. It is also proof that that you attract that which you put your attention on. So in all this painful ugliness that keeps getting stirred up in my divorce, I can now walk outside and see my real life Drishti and know that everything is going to be ok.
He is kinda cheeky sticking that tongue out 
