We have done absolutely nothing today. I didn’t have to drive anywhere, we just relaxed in the house. Considering how content we all were about it – it makes me realize how important it is to take lazy days like this.
Pure, relaxed bliss happiness moment of doing nothing but enjoying being home.
Our thanksgiving family time has started with a visit from my cousin on my dad’s side. Because they grew up in Ontario and we are in Alberta I didn’t get to see any of my dad’s relatives as often as we all would have liked – yet that bond is still there and so strong. Losing my dad last year seemed to have brought us even closer together as we realize how small the miles can become and how short the time is.
We caught up on what everyone is doing and spent a lot of time talking about a cousin who has been having some health challenges lately. I am thankful for him that he has this awesome support system built in around him and that the treatments seem to be helping out. It’s just another reminder of how lucky I am to be in this tribe, and how important it is that we really stop and love each other. I don’t think at the end of the day much else is going to matter to me besides the people who I loved.
Happiness – sitting in the kitchen (where all good visiting happens) and catching up with my cousin. Here’s to the beginning of a great thanksgiving weekend.
Thanksgiving brings up so many emotions for me. It used to be one of my favourite family gathering holidays. Then our family imploded on a Thanksgiving a few years ago and it was never the same for the kids and me again. Last year I explored the fact that what had seemed like a tragedy was in fact a gift – the beginning of a new, happier, stronger life. Still, there are these weird emotions that are attached to this weekend.
This year though, we are once again surrounded by friends and family. We are having a big meal at our place, in the kitchen where family has gathered for generations. There will be love and laughter filling our home and I am looking forward to that.
I have been exploring my feelings about being broken. I felt like I was completely shattered for so long I wondered if I would ever heal. Lately though, I have realized that I have healed so much more than I ever thought I would. I have healed enough that the idea of continuing to be broken feels impossible. I keep thinking of the line from the Casting Crowns your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place. This year has been about that. Every change has lead to something better, to more healing happening, to me realizing that I was never broken.
I listened to some Jann Arden today while I was driving in the first snow of the year. Because we lived in the States for so many years, I missed a lot of her newer songs. I fell in love with her song You Love Me Back. How have I never heard that one before? It’s so happy it made me feel good just listening to it. But, then I heard You Were Never Broken.
I’ve struggled so much in my life with letting go. It’s only been in the past couple of years that I’ve understood how important it is to let some people go from my life. And I’ve also understood that sometimes with that comes burning bridges (sometimes with people still on them), and that that is ok. I have finally understood that it’s only by letting go that I can make room for the new and better things that are waiting to come into my life.
I think this year I am finally ready to embrace that gift that was given to me on that Thanksgiving years ago. It made me change every single thing about my life. It’s been a long and very difficult climb, but I feel like I am out of the darkness. The profound happiness moment that this brings is almost impossible to describe, but it fills me with intense gratitude- perfect for Thanksgiving.
Never Broken – Jann Arden
Leave them all behind
Everyone that hurt you
Leave them on the road
Let them get run over
Nobody can stop you
You were never broken
You were only hoping it would end
Keep your body well
Drink in lots of water
Always look ahead
Don’t you wait for nothin’
Nobody can stop you
You were never broken
You were only hopin’ for a friend
All they want is for you to fail
You wont be defeated
Just stand on that mountain
You look down at the valley
Every step you’ve taken
Nobody can stop you
You were never broken
You were always holding out for this
A while ago I was introduced to the concept of the wrecking ball soulmate. It was around the time that my relationship was coming to an end with my own wrecking ball soulmate. It’s a perfect way to describe what that relationship was for me. You know, the kind that hits you like a tornado and leaves a path of mass destruction in its wake.
Now that some time has passed and I can look back more clearly I realize how much I gained in that process. It challenged my beliefs (made me realize that there are ones I have that I can’t compromise), it made me sit deep in feelings I hadn’t had for years – good feelings, happy feelings. It made me question who I am and how I want to be in a relationship.
It made me know to the core of my soul that no man is ever going to be the boss of me again. I believe that true, equal partnerships can be formed. I finally know my worth and my value – and that knowledge is not dependent on what anyone else thinks of me. I needed to learn those lessons.
I also firmly believe that there are really, really good men out there. I was raised by one, I am raising one.
I had a long conversation with a childhood friend today. We talked about relationships, life, horses, kids… the whole thing. I filled her in on the last year of my life and we laughed at some of the tragedies and celebrated the wins. Because that’s what good friends do – find the funny and lift you up. This tribe I have…. it’s insane. I don’t know how I would ever survive without them, and I’m so thankful for every single member . Sharing life stories, sorting out things, laughing and feeling peace with her was my moment of happiness today.
I always find these days before thanksgiving to be weird ones. I can’t believe it’s been 5 thanksgivings since the one that changed our family forever. When I feel like it’s taking forever for me to heal and get my shit together I look back at where I was 5 years ago and I realize how incredibly far I’ve come since then.
I’ve realized lately that I am walking into my own power and that no one has the ability to take that away from me anymore. There’s something so healing about finally realizing my own worth and understanding that it does not depend on anyone else’s opinion of me. Sacred trusts can be broken, brutal blows can be intentionally delivered and yet…. that safety and security that I’ve been seeking and creating for so long…. that continues to grow inside of me. Part of that comes from my own inner strength, part of it comes from the fact that I am blessed with this amazing tribe of people who hold me tight, most of it comes from God.
I continue to focus on creating a safe and secure home for my family. Tonight our home has a smell to it that has been missing for a couple of years. I’m baking bread again. Taking the time to slow down and purposely create the life that I want is leading to big changes once again for us. I love that. That is a happiness moment.
The elk have come back to the hay valley and we were greeted by them as we raced by on the way to school. That drive is the most amazing way to start the day.
I celebrated a birthday lunch today with a girlfriend whom I’ve known since forever. We both grew up doing the Pony Club thing and many of the shared fondness and horror stories – Robert Coates’ manure pile anyone?
Her past year has been a difficult, growing journey as well as she is letting go of her marriage. We talked about many things at our lunch – but one of them was the weird rebellion that the two of us went through at the end of our marriages. We know other women who have rebelled in many different ways – dating different men, building careers, being angry, feeling freedom – but we both ended up doing much the same thing. We celebrated by allowing dirty dishes to be left in the sink without worrying about getting in trouble, and by adopting cats. Then we laughed about what badasses we are. Which is funny because back in the day we used to actually be badasses – how did we ever allow ourselves to become so lost?
How can you not love these guys? They remind me all the time of what real love is.
The divorce thing is not a lot of fun, it’s painful for everyone involved. But I’m so thankful that there’s this smaller tribe of women in my circle who have been through the same thing and that we are there to lift each other up. Mostly though, I’m glad that I am back in an area where I have lifelong friends like this that I can celebrate the joys of life with.
It was a fantastic happiness moment – enjoying a beautiful fall day with a dear friend. We know so much of each other’s history. We reconnected this summer in a way that brought all of our defenses down and put us in a place where we rebuilt our friendship in a very raw and authentic way. There is a lot to be said for a friendship where both people simply accept each other exactly as they are and show nothing but loving support. All relationships should be like that.
Finally, after weeks of trying to get organized, the girl and I made it to church this morning. These past few months I’ve felt a real spiritual void and I wasn’t doing the right things to fill it. I know that for me the best way to do that is to step back, allow the quiet to come in, meditate, and just be with my tribe. Doing, or trying to make something work that does not flow easily, never works for me to get my spiritual mojo going. Sometimes I forget that.
The past couple of days I’ve been carrying around the book The Great Work of Your Life by Stephen Cope. I bought it on a trip to Kripalu a few years ago, read it, and loved it. Dharma, understanding what mine is and how it is to be of service to the world has been what has been niggling at my heart the past few weeks. So, I had the intention of getting that book read this weekend. I have not even opened it yet. And still, the theme of Dharma has been following me around. I can feel it brewing in my stomach (ignited in part thanks to my session with Asrael – that energy stuff is awesome).
I signed Jenna into her Sunday School class with the full intention of running across the street to Timmy’s to do some quiet reading. A very friendly lady came up to me, introduced herself, and invited me to join their women’s group. I was standing there trying to think of a reasonable sounding excuse to bail, when she said what the group was about. It’s called Shaped by God, and it’s purpose it to help this group of women come together to discover who we are, the purpose God has created for us, and how we can be equipped to serve according to our SHAPE (Spiritual gifts, Heart, Abilities, Personality, Experiences).
So, essentially I was invited to join a group of women where we could get together and discover our Dharma and then learn how to give that gift that God has given us to the world.
I can be pretty dense sometimes, but I’m learning to pay attention to these super obvious signs that God sometimes sends my way. I went to the group. It was fantastic.
One thing I really appreciated in the group was how the leader lifted up the introverts of the world. I find often when I’m in groups like this , the louder, more outspoken extroverts get a lot of time to shine while the quieter, more introspective, introverts often get lost in the shuffle. She praised how the introverts so often quietly sit and offer their gifts in such a way that it is not completely obvious, but usually so helpful and effective. As one who creates best when I come from a place of quiet peace I appreciated that.
Spiritual happiness.
I met a quieter need this afternoon when I went walking along the ridge. I’ve been missing Dad the past couple of days more and walking there where I’ve been with him so many times helped me reconnect to who he was.
Plus, there were horses there. I stopped and petted them for a while – then (and I’m not ashamed to admit this) I stood and smelled that wonderful horsey smell that was left on my hands. They bring me such incredible peace. Horses are how I’ve always connected best to my spirituality. Fall time happiness moment.
The past few weekends seem like they have been busy, stressful, and hectic. Having a quiet day today was so welcome. It was rainy and kind of gross out which made it the perfect day to clean the house, watch movies, read, and nap.
I’ve become a lot more aware lately of where my energy is being directed, to whom I’m giving it, and how I want to use it. It’s amazing how letting go of things and people that drain me has opened doors to allow some pretty cool things to start to come in. That letting go that I struggle with so much – it has it’s benefits for sure!
Having the quiet time to meditate, study my Ayurveda, love on my kids has put my balance back where it belongs – grounded and centered.
Laughing tonight with my Jenna while we watched an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie and ate popcorn was a fantastic happiness moment.
I met my cousin today for a spectacularly wonderful lunch at an Italian restaurant in town (for those of you close to Cochrane – it was The Boot). Life is busy, but we are both at a stage where we are very clearly understanding the power and importance of these close friendships, so we make time about once a month to get together for a visit. This was the first one in a while that didn’t seem like it was rushed (or had sick tag along kids involved) and we could really just sit and focus on catching up with each other.
This kind of relationship is special for many reasons. We have known each other our entire lives, we share and understand (as much as one can) our unique family, we have had a genuine friendship since we were babies, and we have both been through some (very different) shit over the past few years that has made us really sit back and reassess our lives. It’s so nice to be able to have a conversation with someone about anything in my life and not have to explain any back story because usually she already knows most of it.
We talked about everything today – kids, cows, family, relationships, faith, food…
The food was amazing by the way. And the owner comes from the same small town in Italy that my aunt does which made it extra enjoyable.
We laughed, we rolled eyes, we shared stories, we enjoyed our food, we split an awesome tiramisu…. we really enjoyed the warmth and love that comes from a genuine friendship. My happiness moment.
I started the day off by accidentally sleeping in. That doesn’t happen very often so I knew I was tired. However, instead of then bolting out of bed and racing into the day, I noticed that there were beautiful red colours appearing in my east window. The next thing I knew I was standing barefoot in the yard admiring the fantastic sunrise
This does not do it any justice
The whole day was beautiful. It was like summer, so warm and bright. It helped cheer me up as both the girl and I spent the day with sniffly noses and feeling a bit sorry for ourselves.
This evening I decided to force myself to go out for a walk and it was the best decision I could have made. My entire walk was filled with my heart telling my brain can you believe we are back here? Isn’t this the best place in the world? It was perfectly beautiful tonight. And the clouds were amazing
And of course the mountains 
My gratitude happiness moment. I am so happy this is where our roots are planted.
