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happiness

In the tree 

Jenna had her friend over last night for a sleep over. Finally she has made the great girlfriend here that she prayed for.  The two are such a great combination. They laugh well together and do an amazing job of supporting each other. Both have had some family shit go on over the past couple of years and they speak the same language when it comes to that. 

This morning I was looking for them so we could leave. It took me a while but finally I found them here: 


It brought back great memories of my childhood – climbing trees behind the house with my cousin. I’m so thankful this is her childhood.  My happiness moment. 

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The cousin thing 

I know I talk about it all the time, but it is such a huge blessing to be back here at home surrounded by our tribe. After so many years spent feeling ungrounded and uncertain I will never, ever take for granted the love that comes from our people. 

Moving around so much it was a constant effort to make new friends and establish ourselves. Now when we go into town we always see people we know, we live in a yard filled with family, and see loved ones on the road every day. 

This morning I received a text from a cousin asking if we could meet for coffee after school drop off. We did, it was a really fun and very quick catch up. We are the same age and have 45 years of shared memories (well, she has a few months more…) which makes for a very real and special kind of friendship. 

This evening Jenna headed off on her bike with her cousin. They’re forming the same kind of bond that my sister and I have with our cousins and it warms my soul to see this happen. I’m so happy for both kids that they are living in an area surrounded by people who love them. A big happiness moment this evening watching those two take off laughing. 

I followed slowly on foot. It was a gorgeous evening. 

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Down the hill

This afternoon the kids took advantage of the beautiful weather and went down the hill to the creek for a swim. It’s the 13th of September which is significant for two reasons. First – it’s super late in the year to even be thinking about going in the creek. Second – it’s Internet appreciation day at our house. This means it’s the day of the month when our crappy internet rolls over and we can actually get online again. Last month we ran out of our horrifyingly low data 10 days into the month. 

I had expected the kids to want to soak up all the streaming they could so I was incredibly happy to see them outside enjoying Mother Nature instead. Hearing them giggle and seeing the smiles on their faces as they returned home from an afternoon of fun was my happiness moment today. 

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Reality break 

We are back home from our little reality break. It was so good to just leave all our stresses behind us and recharge for a couple of days. It’s the first real break the kids and I have taken since an overnight stay in Waterton in the summer of 2014. So much has happened since then, we needed some time that was just for fun. 

We have the added bonus of some new members in our tribe with whom we shared some of our getaway time. It’s fun watching relationships deepen, and an interesting bonus to see that bring about some  wounds healing.

I felt happiness the entire weekend, but I had an insightful moment wrapped up inside that joy today. Jacob and I were talking about watching a funny video and I said I wanted to watch it with him because it’s always so much better to laugh with someone. One of the littles jumped into the conversation with: that’s true it’s always so much better to laugh with two people.  In fact, one time I laughed with three people and that was the best laugh I’ve ever had. So true. We need people to laugh with. It’s why we need our tribe. 

As we were getting into bed tonight Jacob asked so when is our next staycation? I will assume that means this weekend was a hit. 

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Table talk 

We celebrated the end of the long weekend with a big, crazy supper with loud kids gathered around the table. 

One of the things I really missed in our years away were the family suppers we used to have before we left. I’m realizing more and more that I need to be organizing those myself now. If we are fortunate enough to have these people around us, we need to be breaking bread with them more often. 

My happiness moment was preparing the meal with him and then being part of the big loud table as we ate our meal. It’s good to be home. 

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Hot stew and talk 

This evening on iur way home from a freezing but fun camping trip with his family we stopped at a roadside bakery for hot stew. It warmed up my bones, but the conversation we had warmed up my soul. 

It helped me begin towards where I need to be walking next on my path. It’s amazing how important it is sometimes to stop, take a breath, and become aware of my surroundings. I needed to see where I was to understand where I need to go next. 

A belly of warm stew, a soul filling with peace. Happiness. 

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Back to that space 

I spent some time this morning with someone who  brought me back to where I was a few years ago emotionally. It was a good thing, done in a safe environment with someone I trust- but it was still a gross place to go. I realized as I was telling him my story that when I talk about it now it’s pretty much always from the perspective of being here now and how we got to this place. Very, very rarely do I actually put myself back in the emotional space of what it was like then. No wonder, it’s horrible. I didn’t like it, but it was done to clear out a bunch of old pain memories my body has been holding onto and that was a really, really good thing. It’s left me pretty tired and drained but really happy that I’m finally feeling strong and safe enough to let that go. 

My happiness moment was spending the evening with him. He seems to understand that sometimes I need more TLC and is so good about being a safe place. 

Also, Jenna spent most of the day in the blanket fort she made with a friend. She used to make forts all the time but this is the first one since coming back home. I’m loving how the kids have settled and made this place their home. Because it truly is – we are as deeply planted back in our roots as we possibly could be here. 

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Let go, let go… and Derek 

My thing continues to be learning how to let go. The massage I had on Monday moved around some pretty powerful stuff. He even asked part way through if I was having a big emotional reaction to what was happening. I replied oh kind of, there’s a storm forming in my stomach filled with stuff I’d rather not deal with. So that’s great. And that stuff has slowly been letting go ever since. The process itself is kind of yucky, but the knowledge that some of that really painful stuff is leaving my body is awesome. 

It’s all stuff I’ve known about, but things I didn’t quite know how to let go of. It comes with learning how to forgive myself. Even though it wasn’t my action that needed being forgiven, I struggled with the fact that I had allowed it and that was painful enough. I think I’m now in a place where I can let it go, and I have this awesome energetic spiritual support team who can help me with it. 

All of that stuff brewing around in me today kind of felt more like a sadness moment as I had to acknowledge some things I wanted to forget, but really it’s a happiness moment as I put memories in the past. 

My laughing happiness moment came this morning as my niece showed up in my yard to wash Derek’s butt.


 I was weeding my garden and suddenly my job seemed pretty darn awesome in comparison. Derek is so cuddly and after being bathed came into my garden to help me with my weeding 


He’s so cute and loves being around us so much. I have mad respect for all the struggles this little orphan has been through and yet is so determined to survive. He’s a little stinky, cuddly bundle of happiness. 

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Family trip 

My mom has as her screensaver photos from our big family trip to Italy in 2009. A  group of extended family got together to go celebrate the wedding of my cousin. It was so much fun. I had never been before and I think I probably slept about 6 hours in the 10 days we were there – we were so busy eating and seeing everything we possibly could. 
I love looking at those old photos. We were all so happy (and thinner and younger) – Dad looked so good in all the photos. It’s nice to go back to a time when there was a lot of joy in the family. 

I remember lying on my back floating in the Mediterranean laughing with my cousin. We laughed so hard our stomachs hurt – it was so carefree and easy. I loved that moment. 

Trevi fountain 
I have realized recently that we have finally reached a place where our little trio has started to feel secure enough to want to reach out and explore again. As we have discovered that  we are finally feeling home and safe and secure, we are starting to talk about spreading our wings.  I’m so grateful the kids now have put down roots deep enough that they can grow. I’m grateful I’m getting my balance in a way I probably didn’t have before. 

There was a lot of happiness on that family trip. It reminds me how thankful I am for this tribe of people I was fortunate enough to be born into. 

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Energy stuff 

I had a massage today. That makes it an awesome day by any standards, but we ended up doing a lot of energy work which was such an amazing bonus. I didn’t realize how much I had missed talking in that energy healing kind of language until I was doing it. It’s so cool to have a conversation with someone who also gets how healing happens on that level. It inspires me and reminds me how important this path is for me to keep moving on. Happiness. Pure happiness. 

Not surprisingly a lot of emotional crap got moved around today. There has been some stuff kind of hovering at the edge of my consciousness for a while now and it fell full force into my lap where I had no choice but to deal with it. There’s a reason why that yucky emotional stuff gets stuffed so far down – because I don’t want to deal with it. But part of leaving all those bruises to my soul behind means bringing them out and letting them heal. 

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