Tag Archives: mountains

happiness

The quiet times

Today was a beautiful day to welcome in spring. I couldn’t help but think of where I was a year ago today – both physically and emotionally – lots of big changes have happened this year. We were packed and ready to leave our lives in Roanoke, our flight home was a year ago tomorrow. Dad was in the hospital so sick, I was extremely grateful that we were getting home to spend some time with him. I had no idea how intensely emotional the upcoming year was going to be and all that it would bring for me.

It’s had a death,  devastating discoveries about betrayals in a marriage, a divorce, poverty, wealth that has come from within my soul, freedom from an emotionally abusive relationship, security of home, and the discovery that I am so much stronger and so much more together than I ever imagined.  Although it’s been difficult at times, I am grateful for the opportunity to have discovered these gifts that I can now carry with me through the rest of my life. It has made me a better friend, parent, and future partner.

While the kids had one of those golden moment afternoons where they played happily together for hours, I grabbed the dog and took her for a long walk along the ridge. I find such peace there, by the mountains, near Dad, along the trails where I used to ride my horses. It helps me to ground myself and remember what is really important to me. When I look at the things I really want in life, I have them all. Wonderful children – and close, open relationships with them, an awesome family surrounding me, weird and fantastic friends, and this crazy, happy dog (oh and the cats, don’t forget about the cats – I am one cat away from officially being the crazy cat lady). I know that as long as I keep doing the things that I love that everything is going to turn out just fine.

  

Standard
happiness

If you’re going through hell keep on going…

There’s a lot to that old saying laughter is the best medicine. We have been in desperate need of some good belly laughs these past few days.  To say that life is a little intense right now is a huge understatement.

Because things always come to me as I need them, I listened to a song last night that reminded me of the angels (literal and figurative) that I have in my life. If You’re Going Through Hell will be my pick up song for the time being. 

But the good news is there’s angels everywhere out on the street

Holding out a hand to pull you back upon your feet

The ones that you been dragging for so long you’re on your knees

You might as well be free

Its so easy to get focused on the person or thing that is pushing me down, but so much more importantly are those angels who are loving us and helping us up out of the darkness. They have held out their hands and their hearts and are keeping the kids and I in this safe basket of love while we get through this part. Freedom is something I have prayed for for a long time. From now on I know that when the opportunity comes to free my soul I will always take it. And some great advice to all of us as we go through dark times…

If you’re going through hell keep on going

Don’t slow down, if you’re scared, don’t show it

You might get out before the devil even knows you’re there. 


Today we decided we needed a family fun day. Each child brought a friend and we are up in Canmore at the swimming pool (a very cool pool with slides and a lazy river and basketball nets). Laughing with this group of kids all afternoon has been not a only a great happiness moment, but a happiness refocus, as we remember what is important.  Elizabeth Gilbert hit it nail on the head – what is important is to eat, pray, love. I am so thankful that I am on this journey with these amazing humans – my kids, my family, my friends. 

  

Standard
happiness

Ray a drop of golden sun 

This evening the kids and I were bouncing along the road chattering and giggling when we had to stop to let a herd of deer pass in front of the car. 

  
Then, because it’s us and all, we started singing very loudly and very badly Do-Re-Mi from the Sound of Music. Jacob even kindly rolled his window down so the deer could hear us howling out the song. 

As we went around the corner we turned into the ray a drop of golden sun part of the song 

  
I always wanted to live in a musical. Tonight was about as close as it’s going to get. My happiness moment with the kids. 

Home. This is what my happiness looks like.   

Standard
happiness

Stretch it out 

I woke up this morning and realized that it was time to deal with the fact that I’ve been ungrounded and out of sorts the past few days. 

Thank goodness for my Ayurvedic training. I’ve already been working at my sleep routines, but today I kicked it all up a notch. I cancelled other plans and put work to the side and spent the morning doing yoga, meditating, and going for a centring walk along the ridge with the dog 

This was the early morning view from the ridge. The moon had already gone to bed by the time I made it out there (this was yesterday morning’s photo)   
Because this was the walk I always did with dad, I stopped by where we had scattered some of his ashes and had a mini meltdown. I could feel him loving and guiding me as I gathered myself back together and carried on. 

As I was walking I was filled with gratitude that we are back in this place that is home – where we are safe and loved. 

My happiness moment was realizing that even in times of turmoil I have learned how to nurture and ground myself. Learning Ayurveda was one of the best things I’ve ever done. 

Standard
happiness

When opposite views come from the same thing 

This morning I had to stop everything and run out to the barn to look at the sunrise. 

We often get pretty beautiful ones, but today it was absolutely stunning 

 This is no filter and the sun really was shining that huge beam straight up into the sky.  
As I was standing there doing a happiness-gratitude dance, I received a text from my cousin who lives about a mile and a half away. 

Look at the lavender sky and the full moon!! She said. We couldn’t see the moon from where we were (and we were now getting late for school) but we did take in the beautiful colours over the mountains. 

She sent me a photo of the view from her window 

Breathtaking morning view of the moon and the mountains   
As I was driving home I was thinking how great it was that we had been sharing the morning beauty at the same time, and that she had thought to reach out to me to make sure I was enjoying it. I also appreciated how our opposite views – mine to the east and hers to the west were so incredible. They were completely different, and yet a product of the exact same morning light. 

What a great happiness moment. I just knew today would be a day filled with joy and blessings. 

Standard
happiness

Family is family wherever you are 

One of the great gifts Dad left us with last spring was reuniting us with his family. There’s a great distance between Alberta and Ontario, and even though we now have email and FaceTime and texting, it’s still not the same as the in-person stuff.

A few days before Dad died my aunts and uncles (his sisters) came out to see him. He actually ended up passing away as they were getting on their planes and heading home. Just in case there was any doubt that it was important for him to see them – he hung on just long enough. They pretty much got home and  then turned around to come back for the funeral.

But, the benefit of those intense visits was that it bonded us together in a tighter way than we had ever been before. Through all the grief of losing a brother, husband, father, and grandfather, we found our way together into a closer unit. I know Dad would be so happy about that. Family was so incredibly important to him.

This afternoon we had my cousin’s daughter (Dad’s great niece – his sister’s granddaughter) and her boyfriend come out for a visit. I think the last time I saw her she was about 4, and she’s 21 now. It’s been a long time. Yet she called us up because she was out here and wanted to see us. Family – there is that special bond.

It’s so weird because we know all the same people yet we didn’t know each other at all. However, because of that bond it was so easy and comfortable. She is a lovely young lady (good job parents!) and it was such a delight to get to know her a little bit better. A great happiness moment.

We went out for a little drive. I love seeing home through other people’s eyes. One thing I really noticed about her is how excited she is about life. She has so much energy and joy about what she’s doing and was so engaged in what was going on around her. That’s a great way to live.

we had to stop to see the deer

I love this church

I may have ended up in jail…

Standard
happiness

Unbroken 

There have been events over the past few years that have almost broken me. I have had people whom I trusted smile to my face and then turn around and attempt to break me without a second thought. At the worst of the worst I was just-about-broken.

Then I had a realization that I still had some choices. I could stay as I was or I could start reaching for a better and happier life. It’s been a long haul and some unpleasant and really sad bumps on the road, but I’m a much better and stronger version of myself. I believe along this journey that my kids have become better and happier versions as well. We certainly laugh a lot more.

I had someone break a trust with me recently, nothing too serious, but someone whom I put my faith into lied to me and that left me hurt, mad, and upset. Fortunately it’s not someone that I have to have any further contact with and I can take this as a life lesson and move on.

What it has left me with though, is an appreciation for how wonderful those people who are in my inner circle, in my tribe, are. I am surrounded by people whom I can trust and depend on. I have people to laugh with, people to cry with, and people to share my life with.

In the shadow of this one unpleasant experience I have had many other beautiful ones shine though. I spent New Years Eve at a community party and visited with a lot of extended family that I haven’t really had a chance to see since we moved back home. I was amazed at how they went out of their way to include me, drawing me out of my shy, social awkwardness to share stories and laughter.

There certainly are a lot of wonderful, beautiful people in the world. I’m blessed to be surrounded by so many of them. I may have been just-about-broken but now what I am is unbroken.

My happiness moment was driving Jacob home from school today. We were laughing and he was sharing things that had happened during his day. We came around the corner on the road to be astounded by the sunset. I had to pull over to get a better look and Jacob said mom, I can’t believe we live here. It’s so beautiful. We are so lucky. And I totally agree.

Whenever I see the sunset or the sunrise I am reminded that there is a strong, loving force out there looking after us. Being here and looking at these mountains will make me happy for the rest of my life.


Standard
happiness

Ride a moose 

Today was a just Jacob  day in the house. We hit the Watermill Bakery in Cochrane for some much needed bread products (mmmmm there is nothing like good, fresh bread), ran some errands, and then headed home for equally needed naps. I love that this kid appreciates his quiet time, mama gets tired.

After a quick shut eye we grabbed my mom and headed to Canmore for a big ole’ mountain hug. Well, and a trip to Nutters because I really wanted to find Spices Sanctuary products and check them out (specifically I wanted hing, it’s not as easy to find organic hing as you would maybe think). I found what I needed and a whole lot more. Even Jacob was excited because there was a giant wall of jellybeans over in the bulk section.

mountain hug
The best past though came later when we were looking in stores. We found this funny little moose, and Jacob decided to go out for a quick ride. I love that he’s free spirited enough to let go and have fun in the moment. We did a lot of laughing today.

ride a moose

My happiness moment was when he said you know mom, I’ve laughed more today with you than I have in a long time. This was fun. I’m so thankful that my teen actually likes spending time with me.

Standard
happiness

Simple things 

Today my happiness was  found doing simple things. It was another beautiful day, I love these bright sunny days that have no wind. I went out for a walk along the ridge – so no wind was essential for an enjoyable time. This was where Dad would go for his walks whenever he could, and where we scattered some of his ashes. I can see why he loved it so much, it’s beautiful. I used to love riding along the creek below, so it had an extra boost of happiness as I remembered the freedom I felt spending hours wandering around with Pirate.

I stood at the spot where we scattered his ashes and cried for a while. I’m not really sure why. So much emotion has been stored up inside. Sadness over Dad, sadness over a lot of things I’ve had stuck inside of me for a long time that I’m finally learning to let go of. I’m starting to realize that I need to feel those feelings and acknowledge them in order to let them leave.  Then I had to giggle a little bit when I thought of how lucky I was that it was warm out. If it had been cold and windy all those tears would have stuck to my face, then I really would have had something to cry about.

I came back in the yard and went over to the hill where the girls were sledding. That brought lots of laughter back into my heart. There’s something about being around people who are really enjoying life that makes me feel the same way. The happiness overpowers the sad all the time.

As an added happiness moment, Jenna is still healthy and happy after her long cough. Saturday night she slept 15 hours and last night 14 hours. I am so grateful she had the time to slow down and spend time healing her body – and then time to get outside and enjoy life!

 

Standard
Uncategorized

Happy birthday Dad 

Today would have been Dad’s 75th birthday. I haven’t been home to celebrate a birthday with him since he turned 64, and now that I’m here, he’s not. Sigh. Because we celebrated the last 10 birthdays with him over the phone or on Facetime, I wasn’t sure how acutely I would feel him missing here today – that is anymore than any other day. Sometimes my brain convinces my heart that he’s just gone on a trip for a while and I’ll be seeing him soon. Denial, it’s a difficult cloak of protection.

Turns out I miss him quite a lot.

Dad loved going for walks. He was always trying to get someone to go outside and do something with him – walking, skiing, swimming – he just wanted to be outside. Today I wanted to honour his memory by walking along the ridge by our house – one of his favourite places to be. It’s actually one of the spots where we scattered his ashes, and a place where I haven’t been strong enough to walk along since.

Today I knew I needed to walk there. To go to the place that Dad loved so much and where he found so much peace.

I stood at the spot where we had scattered his ashes. I cried for a long time. Thank goodness it’s a beautiful, warm November day or my tears would have frozen on my face and that would have made a sad situation an awkward one as well. I stood and cried and looked out at the view and just let all my emotions flow. It was both really hard and really easy. I had a lot of clarity come to me in those minutes I stood there thanking Dad for all that he had given to me.

Dad was always so good about making sure that I knew that he loved me no matter what. I never had to worry that I would ever do something that would make his love for me falter in any way. As I go through life and realize that so much of what is called love is conditional it gives me an even greater appreciation for this pure and true emotion of love. What a gift to have, what a gift to give.

I stood there and thanked God for the beautiful place we live in. Dad wanted to spend eternity in the spots he loved so deeply and being there brought me such peace and comfort.

the view along the ridge where we scattered the ashes

I walked for a while with my Dotted Dog and her Naughty Puppy Friend before getting a text from Jacob that he was on his way. He walked up and joined us and we walked the rest of the ridge together.

It was so calm and warm. It felt beautiful to have the sun shine its healing rays on us while we walked and laughed over memories of Dad. The kids miss him so deeply, he was such an important force in their lives. 

Last year at Christmas Dad and I walked the ridge and for some reason decided to stop and take our first ever (and what ended up being our only) selfie. It was the last walk I took with Dad, even though I didn’t know that at the time. We had such a deep, spiritual conversation – I’m so thankful we had the time for those kinds of moments.

omg it was so cold that day

Jacob and I stopped at the same place today and took our own selfie in memory of Dad. I think he would have really liked that we were out there together remembering him. 

After I was back home, I was sitting at the table with Jenna talking about Dad. She leaned over and petted my arm and said “I bet you really miss him today”. Then she said “If it makes you feel any better, while you were out on your walk I went up to my bedroom and sang him happy birthday” and then she burst into tears. So, we sat at the table and cried for a little while. Then we found a video that she and I had made last year on his birthday wishing him a happy day. We cried some more. We did manage to keep talking through our memories until we found some that made us feel better. There are lots of good memories.

I’m pretty lucky because I had a Dad who loved life and loved to pull us into it at full force. Even when I’m sure he wasn’t interested in what I was doing he was always there to listen to me and to talk about things or to watch me do things (the hours that man spent at the side of a riding ring watching me go round and round on my horse. Both my parents spent ages in the heat or (usually) the cold watching me ride).

I work hard at continuing to walk through my grief. I miss him like crazy, but I know he would want us to jump into life with everything we have, without fear. I don’t want to deaden my emotions, I want to feel them deeply and breathe through the tough ones. If I don’t feel the sad emotions, I also won’t feel the joyful emotions. I am on this happiness journey and Dad has been a big part of that. I find happiness in new experiences and I find happiness in memories. As proof of that, my happiness moment today included remembering all the love and fun times shared with Dad, and also experiencing fun times with Jacob (and those crazy dogs) on our walk. There is more tearful happiness to come tonight as my sister and her family join us for a family supper at home.

Standard