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happiness

Setting the standard 

I was pretty sure when I woke up this morning that my happiness moment was going to be a no brainer – today is my unniversary.

I wasn’t sure what to do about that this year. It’s been a difficult day for me for the past few years as things went from difficult and strained to really freaking bad. This year though, I felt like it needed recognition somehow. This year the date marks the beginning of my new life, of freedom, of the possibilities of new beginnings

I pulled out my wedding album and took scissors and then a match to it. I have wondered for a while what to do with that album. I didn’t want it in the house anymore, I didn’t feel like just throwing it out. So, I had a ceremony with it. I let all of the hopes, dreams, prayers for that life go up in flames. I set fire to them and watched them drift away. They’re not hopes, dreams, or prayers for my life anymore – and I have not wanted them for a while. I have new ones now, happy ones, authentic ones.

Interestingly, it was not something done in anger. It was done very mindfully and it released a lot of stuff that really needed to go. I saged the house afterwards and felt those toxic emotions leave our home.

I realized that I will never, ever again let someone else set the standard for what I can achieve. I also realized that the people who are close in my life now believe in me and want to see me thrive – as I do for them.

Then I spent the afternoon with someone who has become very dear to me. It came to me while we were together that I am no longer running from anything, I also am no longer running towards anything . I am now living in this space where I am. I am on the road and I’m loving the journey.

I thought that was going to be my happiness moment, but then the kids and I went to the fruit truck in Cochrane and loaded up with BC cherries and raspberries. We ran back to the car and sat in the parking lot gorging ourselves and moaning loudly about how delicious it was. I love this time of year when the berries and the cherries have arrived. I love that they love it as much as I do.

(this is one of my dad’s photos)

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It’s a year 

We made it through the first anniversary of dad’s passing. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it, but there were a lot of blessings in the day. It was a great way to remember that not only do I have a great tribe, but so did Dad. So many people reached out with love to help us remember him. 

We gardened (one of his passions), had a memorial ceremony for him, and went out for hamburgers. A very Dad approved day. 

I continue to be filled with so much gratitude that God gave me the Dad that he did. He taught me so much and helped guide me to be a better person. 

A few happiness moments today, planting the vegetable garden with Jacob, the memorial service, meeting up with old friends while out for supper, and an evening walk along the river with a friend. There are blessings everywhere. 

My dad

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The Coke shirts 

Last year as we began palliative care with Dad, I went to the store and bought matching Coke shirts for him and Jacob. They were always such a tight team those two, and were delighted to have the same outfit (with matching PJ bottoms). 

I was folding laundry this afternoon and pulled one of the Coke shirts out of the basket to fold.  I haven’t seen it in almost a year – I assume it was too painful for Jacob to wear. I was so happy to see it out now. We all seem to be walking into this week with smiles and sorrow. 

Some of the smiles come from remembering my aunts and uncles (his sisters and brothers in law), who along with one of my cousins made the trek out here to see him in his last days. 

Sad as it was, we had so much fun with them. Jacob was so delighted to find out the family gift  is really a thing and that it is something to be laughed about. He still talks about that discovery regularly. He takes pride in developing his abilities. 

The love that was sent to my dad (and us) from family near and far was amazing. It reconnected me with cousins, we shared stories and enjoyed that deep connection that blood brings no matter where you are. 

In a bittersweet happiness moment I sat with that Coke shirt and remembered how much my Dad loved Jacob. 

This is another one of Dad’s photos. Taken along a road that he and Mom used to walk often. 

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I’ll wait for you under the bluebells 

I had a good friend remind me today that love never ends. Just because someone is gone does not mean we stop loving them. I remember thinking a year ago at this time as we watched Dad start to slip away that I was so grateful for unconditional love. I knew that not only did I have it here, but that once he was gone that love would stay. 

I feel so frustrated sometimes, so much has happened this year. I’ve had all these spiritual challenges and miracles happen and it’s all the kind of thing I would have talked with him about as we walked the ridge. I still go outside and talk away, andI know he’s listening because I can feel him with me, and God keeps opening doors that I’ve thought were locked. But still. I’d sure love a face to face chat. 

I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much in my life as I have this past year, or sworn, or given thanks. I know for sure it has left me so grateful for where I am and the direction I’m heading. 

This is another one of Dad’s photos. I can imagine him sitting out in a field of bluebells. 


We had snow this morning. Gotta love Alberta – Mother Nature does what she wants. I had to send the kids out to beat snow off of our precious lilac bush. My happiness moment was warching them stand under the trees and beat the snow. Of course it all landed on them which lead to much laughing and shouting. 

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God’s art

If you read my blog on a regular basis you’ll know that I am grateful every day that we are back home around our tribe in the place that we love most. 

There’s something about being here that is calming to my soul. Most mornings while we are driving into school we are able to look west and enjoy the mountain view. The kids get as excited as I do about how clearly we can see them and how lucky we are that this is our life. 

As a child I spent hours out here, usually on the back of my horse, appreciating God’s artwork. I didn’t know it at the time but I was doing an active meditation and communicating directly with my Source. 

Now not only do I have the opportunity to do that again, but I have the joy of experiencing it with my kids. 

Being able to appreciate the beauty that is around us really helps me to put things in perspective. The material things we have lost can always be replaced. But the joy I experience from living a life I love is priceless. 

My happiness moment today was admiring God’s artwork with Jacob as we drove into town. We are blessed. This life of happiness and love we are attracting gets brighter every day. 

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Breathe in 

I felt kind of off my game today.  I had some heart decisions to make – which I did by honouring my intuition. Oh that heart does want what it wants. 

I also hadn’t slept well last night because I was feeling badly for one of the kitties who was feeling uncomfortable. No sleep is all it takes to make me realize how depleted I still am. 

But now I am armed with my knowledge of Ayurveda and I know how to guide myself back into balance. 

My happiness moment came today as I breathed deeply on my evening walk. I could feel some of the yuck wash away and be replaced by gratitude. 

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Geese in the sunset

I went out for a walk this evening that turned into a bonus happiness moment. I love where I live. Tonight I felt such peace and bliss as I walked my road with my dog. I feel more secure and stable with every step I make. We are walking  into a fantastic new life. 

A sure sign of spring. Calves in the yard.   

 Cows on the hill 

 

Geese flying into the sunset  
 
This one is from last night but it was much the same tonight. God’s beauty reflected in our world. 

  

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The last swan

It was a beautiful 22C here today. Spring has officially sprung in Alberta. I love it!!

The kids have been outside playing all afternoon, the calves are arriving in the fields, Dottie and I are back out for long walks, and the swans are leaving. Our slough was completely empty today. 

I’ll miss them, but it’s been beautiful having them here. 

People were much happier today when I was   in town earlier. Nothing like a little dose of sunshine to make everything seem better. 

I feel like I’ve had a huge dose of love and support sent my way over these last few days (and by many over the last few months). That had made a huge difference in helping me look on the sunny side of things. I have an awesome tribe. Thanks to all of you. 

My happiness moment was walking along the road with the dotted dog. It is stunning here. I love where I live. 

  

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The swans (happiness bonus)

I made Jenna join me for forced family fun time this evening and we went for a walk along the ridge. Although it took some encouraging to get her there, once she got going she didn’t want to stop. 

It was a perfect Alberta spring evening. The mountains were sharp, the cows and calves were eating supper, the deer were out, and we were joined by the visiting swans. I love where we live. 

The naughty dotted dog discovering the deer 

The mountains   
  
The swans.  

Being on this ridge always makes me feel so much closer to dad. I miss him incedibly. The more we get into spring, the more I realize how long he’s been gone. It makes me happy to walk in a place that brought him such joy. 

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Easter’s Boxing Day 

If you read my blog regularly or know me in real life, you’ll know that Boxing Day is my favourite day of the year. It’s the day after all the excitement and chaos of Christmas. The day when we can just sit around, eat leftovers, play with toys, and visit with each other. 

Today feels like the Boxing Day of Easter. After three days of family gatherings and meals, we are a smaller gathering today quietly hanging around the house. There’s nowhere to go and nothing to do besides visit and enjoy each other’s company. 

These small quiet moments are the ones that make some of the greatest memories in life. 

I’m lying here listening to Jacob and his uncle who are deeply involved in a conversation about Star Wars. People are flaked out in chairs and couches napping or visiting (I’m one of the couch people). This is what it means to be safely back home in the loving arms of the family. We have the security and comfort of being with people whom we love. 

More and more I’m feeling able to just have faith and trust that all will be looked after. I’m remembering that the kids and I are safe. I’m also realizing that I don’t have to live in fear and upset because of the disrespectful and pain-seeking choices of someone else. Every step I’m taking is in the direction of this new life which is filled with promises of love and hope and happiness. I just have to keep faith that I’m on the right path and remember that we will be ok because we are living honest, loving lives. 

The happiness moment today is flaked out family time. 

  

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