Tag Archives: abuse

happiness

The week before

I always find these days before thanksgiving to be weird ones. I can’t believe it’s been 5 thanksgivings since the one  that changed our family forever. When I feel like it’s taking forever for me to heal and get my shit together I look back at where I was 5 years ago and I realize how incredibly far I’ve come since then.

I’ve realized lately that I am walking into my own power and that no one has the ability to take that away from me anymore. There’s something so healing about finally realizing my own worth and understanding that it does not depend on anyone else’s opinion of me. Sacred trusts can be broken, brutal blows can be intentionally delivered and yet…. that safety and security that I’ve been seeking and creating for so long…. that continues to grow inside of me. Part of that comes from my own inner strength, part of it comes from the fact that I am blessed with this amazing tribe of people who hold me tight, most of it comes from God.

I continue to focus on creating a safe and secure home for my family. Tonight our home has a smell to it that has been missing for a couple of years. I’m baking bread again. Taking the time to slow down and purposely create the life that I want is leading to big changes once again for us. I love that. That is a happiness moment.

The elk have come back to the hay valley and we were greeted by them as we raced by on the way to school. That drive is the most amazing way to start the day.

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On a day like this 

On a day like this one I have extra gratitude for the fact that I write a happiness blog. I’m thankful that looking for a moment of happiness in each and every day has become a habit – something I have done faithfully every damn day for over a year and a half. Because on a day like this one it’s extra easy to get bogged down by what sometimes feels like never ending pain and heartache. I feel like surely there has been enough hurt and suffering for the three of us, why do we still find old wounds being ripped open? Will we ever heal or are we just broken?

Then something happens and we laugh. The pain is still there, but so is the happiness, the love, the faith, the gratitude. I am reminded that every day we are farther away from the source of those painful memories and closer to healing. 

Every morning as we drive over the hill by our house we are greeted with a stunning view of the foothills and the mountains. Every morning I say look at the mountains, look at how beautiful it is. Can you believe we live here? And the kids roll their eyes and pretend they’re tired of hearing it. But once in a while I forget to say it and then I hear one of them start up. That moment brings me happiness every day.

Today my happiness moment came in the form of snort inducing laughter from funnies made by the boy. Even with the clouds, he is a constant ray of sunshine in my life. 

Seriously though, the mountains…. Can you believe we live here? Thank God we are back home. 

 

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Movie night 

Tonight Jacob is out with his uncle watching a movie. These guy nights are so important to him and I’m incredibly grateful that there are these caring, strong men in my family. It happened to come on an evening when he really needed some time out and some laughter (the passing of his cat last week continues to be painful for him) and I am thankful that he’s having a good time. My happiness moment. 

I can’t think of a better place for us to be right now than safely engulfed by our tribe. I had a heart saving pick-me-up chat with him this evening when I was reminded of that. Sometimes those things are important to hear and to allow to be absorbed into my heart. We are home, we are safe, we are grateful. I miss my pastor, but I can hear the message she gave us all every week: we are loved children of God. 

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Back to that space 

I spent some time this morning with someone who  brought me back to where I was a few years ago emotionally. It was a good thing, done in a safe environment with someone I trust- but it was still a gross place to go. I realized as I was telling him my story that when I talk about it now it’s pretty much always from the perspective of being here now and how we got to this place. Very, very rarely do I actually put myself back in the emotional space of what it was like then. No wonder, it’s horrible. I didn’t like it, but it was done to clear out a bunch of old pain memories my body has been holding onto and that was a really, really good thing. It’s left me pretty tired and drained but really happy that I’m finally feeling strong and safe enough to let that go. 

My happiness moment was spending the evening with him. He seems to understand that sometimes I need more TLC and is so good about being a safe place. 

Also, Jenna spent most of the day in the blanket fort she made with a friend. She used to make forts all the time but this is the first one since coming back home. I’m loving how the kids have settled and made this place their home. Because it truly is – we are as deeply planted back in our roots as we possibly could be here. 

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Forgiveness

The kids and I have had some pretty deep talks over the past couple of days about forgiveness and letting go of bad memories. I feel so guilty that I wasn’t able to protect them better, it’s something that sits heavy in my heart. They, on the other hand, don’t seem to feel the same way at all. The unconditional love and complete forgiveness that flows from them is overwhelming and humbling. It makes me want to walk with that kind of powerful love into all of my close relationships. It makes me able to begin forgive myself. 

My big happiness moment today was the boy telling me, out of the blue on the way home, that where we live now is the first place where he has ever felt totally safe. It gives me a lot of peace to know that finally I have been able to provide that for them. 

My gratitude happiness moment was walking my road with my mom tonight. I am so thankful that God brought us back to our tribe. 

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Let go, let go… and Derek 

My thing continues to be learning how to let go. The massage I had on Monday moved around some pretty powerful stuff. He even asked part way through if I was having a big emotional reaction to what was happening. I replied oh kind of, there’s a storm forming in my stomach filled with stuff I’d rather not deal with. So that’s great. And that stuff has slowly been letting go ever since. The process itself is kind of yucky, but the knowledge that some of that really painful stuff is leaving my body is awesome. 

It’s all stuff I’ve known about, but things I didn’t quite know how to let go of. It comes with learning how to forgive myself. Even though it wasn’t my action that needed being forgiven, I struggled with the fact that I had allowed it and that was painful enough. I think I’m now in a place where I can let it go, and I have this awesome energetic spiritual support team who can help me with it. 

All of that stuff brewing around in me today kind of felt more like a sadness moment as I had to acknowledge some things I wanted to forget, but really it’s a happiness moment as I put memories in the past. 

My laughing happiness moment came this morning as my niece showed up in my yard to wash Derek’s butt.


 I was weeding my garden and suddenly my job seemed pretty darn awesome in comparison. Derek is so cuddly and after being bathed came into my garden to help me with my weeding 


He’s so cute and loves being around us so much. I have mad respect for all the struggles this little orphan has been through and yet is so determined to survive. He’s a little stinky, cuddly bundle of happiness. 

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Back together again 

Today was a happiness day all around. Some days just feel like they start off with more happiness energy in them and this was one of them.  

Most importantly, the boy is back after a week away at his aunt’s house. He had a fabulous time and I’m happy for him, but I am glad our family is back together again. I consider the close relationship we have one of my greatest blessings. 

We celebrated with an afternoon at the creek which is always one of my happiness moments. Watching all the kids play and laugh while I visited with my friend was so relaxing. We have sorted through some heavy shit this week and it was nice to just chill for a while. Her strength and courage continues to amaze me. 


We finished the evening with a long walk – to work off the dessert we accidentally dove into. It took us well over two hours because my friend and I had to take off on the kid bikes for a race, we had to make the truckers honk their horns, and the kids had to go find the barn kittens  at my uncle’s house. Simple, silly happiness. 

What I’ve realized over this past week is I have in fact managed to create the safe, happy place that I was so desperately seeking when we moved back here. Not only that, but it’s now a strong enough space to share with others and hold them in as well. That makes me more grateful than I can describe. 

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Girls and chocolate 

We had a full out girls day today. We have an overflow of girl power in the house right now and I love it. There’s something that happens when a tribe of girls spend a lot of time together and we have shifted into that zone. It’s almost turned into a red tent – spiritual bonding experience. 

Two happiness moments today. 

The first was sitting on the couch this morning with my dear friend. We got into a deep discussion about how God has guided and changed our lives. We have both been down some hard roads and seen our fair share of struggles, but agreed that our paths had always been lit and we have always been carried when we needed to be. Then we kind of stopped and looked at each other. I said 25 years ago do you think our bad selves would have ever seen us sitting here curled up together on a couch talking about God? Because we used to be two bad ass girls with lots of attitude and a way of finding trouble. She said I know. And to top it off we are sitting here drinking tea. But that tea drinking conversation was happiness. 

The second happiness moment happened over dessert. About 10 days ago in a moment of insanity I decided to give up processed sugar for a while. The kids kindly have been pointing out to me that my mood seems to require that  I sweeten myself a bit more (I blame Mother Nature and her night storms that have kept me up for 5 nights now, but whatever). We went out for supper and decided as a 6 girl tribe that we needed two dessert pizzas from the Rocky Mountain Flatbread Company  in Canmore. If you haven’t been there – go! That was a wonderful little piece of heaven. In fact, we were enjoying it so ….umm…. ecstatically that we attracted the attention of another table of women who had to know what we were eating so they could feel like that too. It was chocolate heaven. And the more we ate the happier we got. And now I have a belly full of happiness. Life is good. 

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Reconnecting 

I have had the strangest 24+ hours that I can recall. Emotions have run high and priorities have been reassessed. I have decided a couple of really positive things have come out of this time. 

One is that I have reconnected with a dear, old friend after a 20 year absence in a deep and honest way that couldn’t have happened if circumstances had been different. There’s nothing like a situation that causes you to drop all your guards down and look at the bare bones of what is needed to see what a person is truly made of. This lady is one strong and brave woman. 

The other is that it had made me dump out a few remaining bags of emotional garbage I was carrying around from the end of my marriage. Stuff I didn’t even know was still sitting there. I emptied it out and have sorted through so much and in such a healing way. It’s a rare person who has experienced so many of the same situations, even if done in different ways. I think it’s been very healing for both of us. I am grateful for that.

My happiness moment was a brief time spent at the creek. In my opinion it’s about one of the most healing places I could ever go to. 

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Where I belong 

Sometimes things happen that help put all the little life struggles into perspective. I had a scary as crap incident happen this afternoon. It was by far the most terrified I’ve been in years, that threat to my personal safety. However I am so thankful to the Cochrane RCMP for the work they do to keep us safe. I’m also impressed and wowed by the strength and bravery of a girlfriend in my tribe. Some of us need to use so much courage with every step. She amazes me. (I’m not expanding on this because it’s not my story to tell). 

Before that happened though….. we spent the afternoon at the Cochrane Horse Trials. Us two horse loving girls who grew up in the trenches of old school Pony Club. We oohed at the ponies, swapped stories of new and old adventures, and basically enjoyed each other’s company. A happiness moment can always be found with horses and horsey friends. 


I read something this morning that explained so much of the trouble I was experiencing as I was trying to rebalance myself the last week or so. I couldn’t figure out why I was so badly out of my zone, and when I started to feel why, I didn’t want it to be the reason so I tried to make it not be –  but this is it:


It’s so difficult to have found myself in a place where I fit, but where I didn’t belong. This is actually something I’ve felt a few times before and couldn’t figure out how to explain it. This sits with me perfectly. And I know exactly where I belong, it makes me wonder why I was trying to fit anywhere else. 

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