Tag Archives: abuse

happiness

Little healing steps 

My boy took a few small healing steps today and I love him so much for it. He prepared himself and once again went in for a therapy appointment  with Mr. X (who failed to show for the last one). I don’t know all the details but it didn’t go well. Still, this brave soul put his heart out there and I love him for that. 

I learned a few years ago from that same person that sometimes what seems like the most painful, difficult heartbreak can actually be one of life’s greatest gifts in disguise. When I looked at the gifts I received I realized I found my renewed relationship with God, my self respect, happiness, joy, love, a return to my tribe, hope…. it goes on and on. Basically I got my life back – but a better version. I hope Jacob finds his gifts from this experience. 

After a little decompression we went to one of our favourite spots to relax and enjoy some family time. My happiness moment was sitting by the creek with my boy just being. I am so incedibly proud of that kid. 

Standard
happiness

Lay it down 

I think I am finally at the point where I lay down some of the burden I am carrying to God and surrender it. There’s nothing more *I* can do now anyway, someone else is going to decide what is fair and just and we will both have to live with that. I am looking forward to that, we are never going to agree.  I don’t want to be carrying around all this hurt and anger anymore. I do want the chance to begin to build a new life.

Part of the reason I’ve struggled with the surrender is because I have the feeling that what will come after that will be sadness. I’ve done disbelief, betrayal, fear, anger, and now here I am – surrender and some sadness. But, what am I sad about really? Now that I know who he is, I don’t love him so I’m not sad about it being over. I’m not sad about the idea of starting a new life. I think I’m just sad about the end of a dream I had for our family. A dream that was never going to come true anyway. I think the sadness part is going to be relatively quick.

So, I’m going to lay it all down and surrender it over to my higher power. I know he feeds on my anger and hurt, I’ve seen his smug smile when he’s managed to upset me (and I’m not the only one who has noticed this). It seems to bring him some strange satisfaction to know he’s managed to make me feel insecure or upset. I don’t need to be fueling that anymore.

I want to walk into the life I’m living now with joy and gratitude. There is so much about the life I’m living now that I appreciate. I am surrounded by an awesome tribe of people, I live where I love, I am gaining confidence in the career I’m establishing, and I can smell horses from my front yard. It’s time to look forward into my happy future instead of looking back at a very painful past.

Today is kind of a whole happiness moment day. I spent quiet time working on my course, spent time visiting with my sister, walked the dog on a gloriously warm Sunday afternoon, and tonight the monsters and I are having a very special (and fun, fun, fun) cousins night. I have so much in my life to be happy about and I am incredibly grateful that I decided to look for a happiness moment in each and every day. I think about how much my joy has increased since I began this journey and it makes me smile. Life is good.

I love where I live

Standard
happiness

Learning to surrender

Learning to surrender seems to be my theme over the past year. Not too long ago I had to surrender to God as I watched Dad come to the end of his life. I so wanted a miracle, and prayed for him to get better. But that wasn’t the path, and I was finally able to surrender to God and allow what was going to happen.

As difficult (and incredibly sad) as that was in some ways it was easier than the surrender I am learning to fall into now. I knew Dad was going to die. Surrendering all of that to God felt like being lifted up and held. It provided love and comfort.

I’ve struggled much more during this divorce with the concept of surrender. I sometimes confuse that word with giving up, and I constantly have to remind myself that they have completely different meanings. I get often angry at the thought of surrender (confusing the actions) and think – I am never going to just give up. I didn’t stand up for myself (and the kids) for years, finally I’m strong enough to face this and I’m not going to wave the white flag ever.

But, giving up and surrendering are totally different. I don’t have to give up the path I am on in order to surrender to God.

Giving up means rolling up in a ball in bed and crying. It means no action, no hope, living in suffering, and moving away from the connection with God. It actually sounds much like the way I lived for years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Well, that was an eyeopening and unexpected revelation (maybe you knew it already, I didn’t until I wrote it just now).

Surrender is more an acceptance of what is. By releasing it allows for more happiness, brings me closer to God, and means embracing life as it is.

This has been such an emotionally challenging year. Having Mr. X cut off our finances not even 8 months after Dad died and then finding out he had spent thousands of dollars getting his mistress into bed while telling me he was living on rice and beans was gutting. But it showed me once and for all the person that he is. I couldn’t deny it or make excuses for that behaviour anymore.

Every time I pray for help, for support, for love I keep hearing that I need to surrender everything to Him. And then I fight it. Because I don’t want to give up. But now I understand that I can surrender without giving up. I’m not saying I’ll go gently into it. I think it will be a struggle for the rest of my life this learning how to gracefully surrender. That frustrates me because I have a strong faith and I know that  every single time I have needed Him that God has been there preforming miracles. It should be the easiest thing in the world to have complete trust in the One Being who would never let me down. And yet….

I’m a work in progress

My happiness moment was standing in my kitchen looking out at the barn listening to the song Stuck on You. I used to take my old tape recorder with songs I’d recorded off the radio (remember the 70s and 80s?) and play my songs over and over while I hung out with Pirate in the barn. Some of my best memories are of singing Stuck on You while grooming and hugging on him. He was a one of a kind pony and I feel so blessed that he was in my life. I learned so much about how to be brave and to achieve the impossible from my relationship with him. That was love.

Standard
happiness

Just be held 

I’ve spent so much time being his broken object that I forgot I was His beloved child. 

Last night my sister sent me YouTube link to the song Just Be Held by Casting Crowns and told me I needed to listen to it (lyrics are at the end of the post). She was right, I’ve been listening to it pretty much non stop since. 

I’ve talked about how I was feeling overwhelmed. I also have talked about how I’ve finally let go of my fear. I kind of used my anger (and I’ve had a lot of it) to pull myself out of fear. But then I was left wondering what’s next? What will pull me out of anger?

I need to surrender to God. Much as I realized part way through the end of Dad’s journey that all I could do was love and surrender, in a different way it’s all I can do now. 

I’ve spent too much time with my eyes on the storm and not enough time with my eyes on the cross. 

I went out for my walk today and put my headphones on so I could listen to the song while I walked. I listened and prayed and cried as I travelled my beloved familiar path. 

I kept hearing your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place. 

This song brings me such comfort and makes me feel like I can begin to surrender some of my pain and uncertainty to God. 

I stood for a long time looking at the mountains asking God what I should be doing. What is His plan? What action do I need to take?

I heard just be held, just be held, just be held

I stood there crying letting God hold and comfort me. 

Then because God has a sense of humor the song suddenly switched to Baby’s going to cry by the Eurythmics. I tuned back in at the line:

Now there’s a cool breeze blowin’

Blowin’ out the flame

That used to burn inside me

At the mention of your name,

Now there’s a cool breeze blowin’

Blowin’ down the track –

That’s where I’m goin’

And I’m never comin’ back…

There is no going back. Even if there was I don’t want to. The things I’ve found out in the last couple of months (and trust me I’ve barely shared what I discovered) have let me know without a doubt it’s time to let go. 

My happiness moment was standing by the slough looking at the swans and allowing myself to Just be held. 

 

“Just Be Held”

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting

Chained by your control

There’s freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm

You’ll wonder if I love you still

But if your eyes are on the cross

You’ll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted

In time, you’ll understand

I’m painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in My hands
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held
Lift your hands, lift your eyes

In the storm is where you’ll find Me

And where you are, I’ll hold your heart

I’ll hold your heart

Come to Me, find your rest

In the arms of the God who won’t let go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held (stop holding on and just be held)

Just be held, just be held, just be held, just be held

Standard
happiness

Oh Mickey…

I was fortunate enough to be in the right place at the right time this afternoon and watched a newborn calf make its way into the world. For me a birth is always such a reminder of the joy and miracles that new beginnings bring. They are a thing to celebrate. 
This afternoon the kids and I had to go to town for a doctors appointment. On the way there was a homeless man standing with a sign asking for help. I got Jacob to reach into my wallet and pull out $5 for us to give to him. He was so touched and seemed  so happy to receive our gift. Because kindness is contagious the next few cars behind us also rolled down windows and gave him something as well. It was a good reminder that when you can’t take it anymore, it’s time to give   The world can always use more kindness. Now more than ever I felt that  there but for the grace of God go I. I am so grateful for my tribe who have helped us out. We are also in a time of new beginnings and there is a lot to rejoice in. 

  
On the way home Jenna cranked up Mickey by Toni Basil and we smiled and sang songs the whole drive. It is a wonderful happiness moment to realize that we are happy just because we are alive and together.

Standard
happiness

Time to give 

 I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately. I’m trying not to be, but I am. Then I think of what the last year has brought. A move home, time spent with my dad as he prepared for his death, intense grieving, being cut off my mr x, filing for divorce, discovering absolutely brutal lies and betrayals on the part of mr x, having to figure out at age 45 how to support me and the kids after being home for over 11 years, learning to recover from years spent with a narcissist. Throw in being a full time single parent, helping my kids through their intense emotional feelings about all of the same issues, and helping my mom out, and it’s no freaking wonder I’m overwhelmed. 

I was sitting quietly contemplating this feeling earlier today. What could I do to lessen the feeling of suffocating? Everywhere I turn there’s someone who needs me I thought, sometimes I just want to spend a day in my Pjamas and read a book. But that is not my life right now. 

Then I came across this quote 
“I can’t take it anymore”

“Then give”

Yes. That’s what I need to do. Give. Keep giving. Because that’s always easy to do when one is feeling overwhelmed. Sigh. 

Then as God does, He showed me what He meant. 

The joystick on mom’s chair broke today and I was trying to fix it. My mom has always been a huge support to me, but these last few months after mr x withdrew finances, she and my uncle and aunt have been what have prevented the kids and I from being destitute and homeless. She needed my help (and she’s overwhelmed too) so I gave it 

Then when my help proved to be futile I called the person we all call when we need help – my cousin. Another person who goes flat out around the clock. And without a second thought she was down helping me out (and by helping I mean she fixed it). 

Much as we are all overwhelmed and stressed out, that act of being able to give to someone – kindness, love, money, support- it makes you feel so much better.  Life lesson learned today. 

As an awesome happiness moment we had a community shower today. I am so blessed that I come from his huge tribe of people. It has been such a blessing to be brought back into the fold. The kind of happiness I’m finding now goes deep into the core of my soul. I have freed myself of the fear I lived in for so long and am able more and more every day to embrace the joy and bliss of the life I am living.   

Standard
happiness, law of attraction, narcissist

Cousins of the round table 

I feel so fortunate that I was blessed at birth with ready made best friends in the form of my sister and cousins. They don’t all live as close to me as I’d like, but those relationships stand the test of time. No matter how much time goes past or what happens I know there’s this awesome tribe of people that I belong to. The same thing goes for my kids. They are a part of this awesome extended family we have that stretches across Alberta, BC, The Yukon, Ontario, New York, Italy, and Texas. Both sides of my family have such a strong bond, and I appreciate that more and more as time goes on.

Tonight we were treated to supper by one of my cousins in Cochrane between guitar lessons and youth group. This round table of cousins worked out so perfectly, each one of us had a friend to sit with – she has a girl and a boy close to the same age as my kids. Sitting around and laughing with this beautiful part of my tribe was a happiness moment for the day that will warm my heart for a long time.

I feel kind of like we are the Whos down in Whoville. The grinch may have stolen our Christmas, but he can’t steal our love and joy. We will stand firmly in our tribe singing our songs of happiness no matter what kind of hate and destruction he sends our way. Although I will never forgive the hurt that he has inflicted on us, I’m caring less and less about the fact that he’s trying to destroy me. He can’t do that. I am getting stronger and stronger with each and every day.

Every time I have needed something on this journey it has been provided for me, and I have faith and trust in the fact that this also will turn out for the best. Just because he says I’m worthless and stupid does not make it so. In fact, this journey has taught me what incredible strength and love I possess. I have learned so many things over the past few months that have really shown to me that all those hateful things I was taught by him about myself aren’t true. I came across this wonderful quote this morning and it taught me exactly how I will look at his behaviour as I move ahead through this divorce. I think it’s important to talk about it because there’s so much shame put on the person who is being used by a narcissist. It is possible to get out of that relationship and move on to a happy life which is what we all deserve. With every step I take he’s more and more just someone I used to know.

Standard
happiness

A person of worth

I woke up this morning feeling a little stressed and uneasy about where I am and where I’m going. We were supposed to have an emergency support hearing tomorrow which we have now had to put off until next week. The financial stress that he continues to put on the kids and I is unforgivable and unbelievable.  I have faith that it will all work out, and I know he’s just doing this to hurt me but still…. Even at the worst of our time together I never imagined he was capable of such deliberate betrayal and  cruelty. 

I was having mixed feelings about what it is that I will be doing next. The unknown is always scary and I feel like there has been so much unknown lately. My greatest joy in life so far has been staying home with the kids and helping to guide them into the awesome people that they are. It’s been a difficult and important job as well. I’ve been either the primary or sole parent for their entire lives,  and our relationship is as important to them as it is to me. They look to me for stability and security and after all the trauma we have been through that’s a job I don’t take lightly. 

This morning as I was getting breakfast ready for the kids they started talking about how much they loved all the homemade food I make to send to school with them. They laughed at how their friends in Roanoke would get very excited when I made banana bread and ask the kids for samples of the baked treats. It made me happy to hear that the hours spent in the kitchen are appreciated and enjoyed by them. 

Jenna has had a lot of leg pain after a skating fall and then a trampoline collision so instead of dropping her at school I took her to urgent care in Cochrane – thank goodness for this place the staff is awesome. 

After three and a half hours and some X-rays they determined that her leg was not broken, but that there was some soft tissue damage and muscle bruising. They told her to stay on crutches for the next few days and rest a bit and then she will be as good as new. Her doctor was amazing. He took a lot of time with Jenna and made sure she was comfortable and understood what the diagnosis was before going on to his next patient. 

What really impressed me with this doctor though was his consult with the patient before us. I don’t know all that was going on – I was trying not to listen, but there was only a curtain between her and us – but she was quite obviously upset and in a lot of pain. The medication that had been prescribed was not working and she was at the end of her rope trying to cope. The doctor was explaining to her that simply upping her medication or giving her a different, stronger kind was not going to solve the problem. 

As you can imagine, this was very upsetting to her. I could relate having had some bad chronic pain issues in my past. I heard him slow down his speaking and using a very  gentle tone said: it’s important to remember that you are so much more than this pain you are feeling. There’s so much more than just the body. You have a wonderful soul, and spirit and it is who you really are. This pain is just something you are going through. I wish I had had a doctor talk to me like that when  I was dealing with my pain. Actually my chiropractor talked a lot like that and it’s a reason why I am forever grateful to him for all that he’s done for me. 

I felt like bursting through their curtain and saying “Ayurveda can help you” I thought of how broken I was when I started learning about it and how far I have come now. It has seen me out of debilitating anxiety and pain, walked me through the death of my dad, and now is helping me stand strong when the person who was supposed to be my soulmate has ended up being my worst attacker. I’ve talked before about how Ayurveda  has saved my life and I don’t mean that lightly. It literally saved me and has made me so much stronger and better. 

While I was sitting with Jenna I got to thinking how grateful I am that I have this job of being home with the kids. Not only has it been a huge blessing for me, but it has provided immense security and comfort for the kids. My mind wandered to how unfair it was that Mr X has no respect or gratitude for how hard I have worked and what I have given up.  As my mind started going down that ugly spiral that would lead nowhere good, I picked up my book and did some reading. The first phrase I came to was this:

  

It’s true. Just because he thinks I have no value does not make it true. The reality is that I’m still a good person, parent, friend, sister,  daughter- I have worth. He has spent years trying to erase and devalue my worth, but that does not make it true. 

My happiness moment was appreciating that I am able to be there for the kids whenever they need me, and remembering that I am a person who has worth. It was also a good reminder of all the good that I can bring to the world by sharing my knowledge of Ayurveda. 

Standard
happiness

What is love?

Love should make you happy. It’s that beautiful feeling of knowing you’re with someone who knows you to your deepest core and thinks you are wonderful. It’s tender, kind, loyal, faithful, and honest. It does not attack, betray, cheat, purposely hurt, or lie. It has taken me a long time to understand that love is not conditional and that I am only worthy of it if I behave in a certain manner. 

I’m finding the more I walk along in my happiness journey the more I’m finding love. It’s in big things and small things. I see it in the faces of my children every day. I saw it this morning when my big, strong, cousin’s husband gently fed a bottle to a newborn calf. I see it in our pets, and I see it reflected in the people who surround me. 

My happiness moment today was being with Jenna while she helped feed that calf for the first time. It was a beautiful, gentle act of kindness and I felt honored to be a part of it. 

  
I’m discovering that as long as I keep my eyes open I see love everywhere. It’s easier to find than I had ever believed. 

Standard
happiness

Ain’t nothing going to break my stride

I took the dog out for a very windy walk this evening. It’s beautiful, but those chinook winds mean business today! I have been using the winds lately to help me blow out old, stuck emotions. So I’m actually kind of glad for the opportunity to face the force and let that stuff flow out.

I’m realizing as I let go of past hurts that I have this entirely new life ahead of me. I will be able to live a life where I’m not afraid of the person I live with, where I’m not afraid of what they’re going to say or do. I now can surround myself with people who make me want to be a better person. People who bring love and light into my world and let me reflect my own love and light into theirs. It’s exciting. 

I’m finding it’s already happening. I have been reminded of the awesome tribe of people I already have in my life, and I’m attracting really wonderful new ones in as well.

It’s never too late to start realizing your dreams, and I have realized that now is the time for me to start living mine. It’s a pretty wonderful life I have stretched out ahead of me. 

I’m finding my stride, and discovering my confidence once again. Something that had been squished  under fear and anxiety for a long time. 

I can’t let the fact that I was emotionally attacked for years define who I am any longer. I mean, it has changed me and shaped me to some extent. But I’m not his victim. I am this whole, new person with a deeper understanding of compassion than I ever was before. 

The discovery process we went through was brutal in many ways, but what it did do was affirm for me that my intuitions were right. All those things that I was being told for years and years were wrong with me weren’t my flaws at all.  I have my flaws, but those weren’t them. And now I can let all that stuff blow out of me. It’s not going to keep me from living my dreams anymore. 

My happiness moment was walking the dog along the fields I know and love so well. Letting the winds blow out old junk and welcoming in wonderful, new possibilities. 

Standard