Tag Archives: divorce

happiness

Mom bonding moment

Monday evening at ball I stood with a really nice lady and we chatted the entire game. We had a few thing in common – we had both moved away and then came back, both came from small communities, and our personalities just seemed to click. Tonight at the field we sat together again and discovered that our family issue is very similar as well. We laughed because there is like an unknown force that seems to draw women like us together.

She’s a strong, kick ass woman and I’m glad that I’m becoming friends with her – this is one of the huge benefits of time spent at the kids’ sports.

Building a tribe is huge happiness, it’s what keeps us going.

Standard
happiness

Shadows of the past 

We are now in our second month with no support from Mr. X.

I know I should be completely freaking out – we depend on that support and the knows it – but somehow this feeling of incredible calm has come over me – I don’t know how to explain it except to say that it’s God stuff.

The last few weeks I have been really focusing on strengthening my connection and my faith and I can feel the difference in my being. I saw one of my healers today and was describing our situation and how I was feeling. He said I seemed calmer and more grounded, and I do feel that way even though I feel like I should feel chaos. I have finally understood that I have been looking to a man for support who has shown time and time again he has no interest in being there in any capacity. I should have instead been looking to God who is always there for me. I’m not sure what this means for my path, but I’m exploring it.

I said that it was weird – that I now feel like my life is pretty regular and back to normal and suddenly WHAM something will happen to pull me back to the trauma. He said it was shadows of the past showing up.

In my session today I suddenly heard you have to make space, you have to make space, and he did something to my head and BAM space was made in my body. I could feel my third chakra light up and ama (toxins) was pulled from it down through my second chakra and out of my body. I’ve never felt anything like it before – but that feeling of clearing and space was immediate.


I have to make space, I have to clear out all the bad junk – the ama – so I can make space for new things to come into my life. So I can erase the shadows of the past.

So much healing is happening and my spiritual connection with God has increased so much. I often wish the journey was easier – but the person that I am turning into because of this? That is happiness.

Standard
happiness

A doughnut or a stick 

Today I decided to try and teach Drishti how to not be a stick. He has no bend at all and riding him sometimes feels like I’m riding a stick horse. 

I found a great spot with no gopher holes and we started doing circles so I could teach him to bend. He was not a fan. I said “Drishti it’s just that I don’t want you to be like riding a stick”. So he stuck his head between his legs as he trotted along as if to say “ok now I’m a doughnut”. It was an implied reminder that he also could do a handstand as an option. He didn’t, thank goodness. 

Being out in the field with Drishti lets me sort through that and hand it to God. He is my SUV – spiritual utility vessel. What I   get with him is so much more than happiness. 

 

Standard
happiness

Easy like Sunday morning 

This morning was the ride I’ve waited years for. For the first time I didn’t feel scared at all about getting on and heading out. I relaxed almost immediately on his back, and the constant chatter I had with my horse in my youth came back today. It’s this mindless chatter that is part of what connects me to God through my horse – it’s a way of opening the connection while staying perfectly in the moment. My Dotted Dog ran around while we walked through the field looking at the beautiful spring morning. Honestly, moments don’t get much better than ones like this. Happiness to the core of my soul.

There is my Dotted Dog off to the left having the time of her life. ​

Look at this face – he is proof that miracles can happen in my life. He is perfect. 

​

 

The girl had two ball games this afternoon and although it was cold, windy, and a little rainy, the girls played some great ball. Near the end of the game it was her turn to pitch – for the first time. What I love about this team is the way everyone is so supportive. The coach is so gentle and kind with the girls, and the parents all cheer on everyone’s kids. What a blessing that she is part of this team.

 

Standard
happiness

Dad’s ice cream

I have had some significant challenges presented to me courtesy of Mr. X in the last week or so, and have had to spend some time figuring out how to deal with them. It’s essentially been the culmination of my greatest fears, and now I have to decide how I am going to proceed.

I want to scream, hide in fear, cry, and yell about the injustices. But, I have realized a few things: he does not care, he becomes happier knowing he causes me pain, my pain does nothing to aid my healing, and one last thing that I read about today:

There are but two directions you can take, while time remains and choice is meaningful. For never will another road be made except the way to Heaven. You but choose whether to go toward Heaven, or away to nowhere. There is nowhere else to choose. (A course in miracles)

I continue to work hard on the forgiveness, faith, and healing stuff. And I have massive challenges thrown in my path that force me to chose which road I want to take. For a long time I wanted to take the road to God, but was so fearful, angry, and lost that I would fall off the path. But, it’s true – there are only two choices – either I chose to continue to heal and learn to forgive, or I don’t.

So, I’m going to walk ahead in faith.

This is how I walked towards Heaven today:

I thanked God for my mom who without a word stepped up, stepped in, and helped me

I read

I prayed

I meditated

I talked with girlfriends in my tribe

I hung with Drishti

I thanked God we are here and safe

I ate Dad’s ice cream

Dad used to make us his favourite dessert when he was alive – it’s one of my yummy childhood memories. I’m stuck between Dad’s ice cream and Grandma’s cinnamon toast for happy comfort food memories. Dad would take vanilla ice cream, put on real maple syrup, and then add some salted peanuts – fancy right? But, like the cinnamon toast the magic was in the simplicity and the love that was behind the treat.

And I sat with the feelings of insecurity and fear I am experiencing. Then I looked around. We are all safe, we are home, my daughter is playing with her cousin, my son is running around in his Chewbacca onesie laughing, I have them, I have my family and friends, I have Drishti, and I have developed this entirely different relationship with God.  All of that is happiness. Real happiness that comes from within, that comes from the Divine.

And it’s springtime in Alberta which reminds me that there are possibilities of new beginnings, new ways of doing things, and that miracles happen all around us.

This is one of my Dad’s photos from the year before he died of our “springtime flower”.

DSC_9979.jpg

 

 

Standard
happiness

coach on the field

The boy has taken an assistant position coaching flag football for his school and today, after a few weeks of early morning practice, was their first game. It was such a thrill to see him so involved and passionate about helping and guiding the players. Seeing my little boy who has so quickly grown into this amazing young man be so confident and excited about assisting coaching was such a thrill for me.

I can’t believe how grown up he is. He is way more together than I ever was at his age and I am so incredibly proud of this little human (not so little human). Seeing him thrive – that’s happiness.

Standard
happiness

Tea and talk

I met a girlfriend for tea and a visit this afternoon. When I get together with a good friend I always think of these two older ladies I saw one day when we were in Italy for my cousin’s wedding. Two ladies in their 80s were walking down the street arm in arm with their heads thrown back in laughter, and it was so easy to see that they were enjoying a great moment with each other. As I passed them I thought I need to make sure that as I get older I have girlfriends like this in my life. I’ve always valued my friends, but the older I get the more I understand just how important it is to have that close girl-tribe.

We laughed and shared stories today over our tea/coffee that made the man at the table behind us visible cringe – which of course made it that much funnier. If he ever really wanted some insight as to how two middle aged ladies talk he really got an earful today! I love these friends that you can just be so raw with, we were all over the place in our conversation – everything from divorce to death to children to dating to God – nothing is off limits and everything can be laughed about and put into perspective.

Thank God for my friends – this is happiness.

Standard
happiness

The River

Likely because I’ve been working so hard on forgiveness and surrender, I have been given the opportunity to really put them both to the test these last few days. I’m tired –  really, really tired –  and I know the only way to release the burden is to turn it to God and ask Him to carry it for me.

Sunday when we were at church we sang this hymn:

and I felt it in my soul. I downloaded it on Spotify and I’ve been listening to it non stop ever since.

Today as I felt completely wiped out by the stresses I’m dealing with in my life, I listened to this song over and over – playing it in the background as I went about my daily routine. It brings me peace – when I listen to it I can feel Jesus sitting with me, holding my hand, letting me know it will all be alright. It will be – and this time instead of reacting with rage and anger (which I really, really want to do) I’m going to just keep working on forgiveness, surrender, and strengthening my faith.

Lately I’ve witnessed a really moving example of people responding to malicious cruelty with kindness and compassion, and I have decided that I want to be more that kind of person than the one who responds to it with outrage and a victim mentality. The only thing I can really control is how I respond in this situation, and even that I can only do with God’s help. I realized listening to the hymn that I need to meet Him at the river. Not that I want to, or would like to, but that I honestly need to meet Him, I need help, support, and love that only He can give me.

If happiness comes from within (and I believe it does) then I can choose to stand in my own happiness and love no matter what is thrown at me.

 

Standard
happiness

Out the kitchen window 

This photo may not immediately look like a happiness moment, but it is – and I will explain why.

I was in the kitchen making supper and I looked out the window to see my daughter at the barn with my cousin and her daughter. There was a newly orphaned calf in the corral and my niece was feeding it (I think – it was hard to tell exactly what she was doing from where I stood).

The feeling that came over me was one of incredible peace and happiness. My girl is as drawn to the barn as I was at her age and it’s so awesome that my cousin is so patient and shows her what is going on during their very busy calving season.

As I watched them from the window (before I ran out to join) I felt so grounded and happy. This is the kind of moment I dreamed about, this freedom, this connection, this easy joy.

I am so grateful for happy moments like these. 

Standard