Tag Archives: freedom

happiness

Learn to fly 

For the past week or so I’ve been waking up with nightmares. I often am a restless sleeper, but these nightmares were something completely new. I’m sure it’s because we are closing in on the anniversary of Dad’s death. I’m realizing how many emotions are still sitting there waiting to be processed and acknowledged. Last night I finally made it through the night without any bad dreams and I hope that means I’m heading for sweeter dreams. I know Dad wouldn’t want me being upset like this, and I also firmly believe he’s wrapped in the arms of God. And yet those dreams…

I came across one of his photos which made my heart fill with memories of him. He loved it when the swans would migrate through. 


The way I feel now it’s hard for me to believe where I was when I started this journey towards a happier life a few years ago. I was left so broken I didn’t think I’d ever be able to repair myself. Yet with years of work and prayer and love, here I am feeling almost whole. I give thanks for that every day. 

Today I had a wonderful happiness moment. I met a friend and we spent the afternoon walking along the river. It really was chicken soup for my soul – exactly what I needed. 

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Google translate 

I had some unexpected alone time with the boy this afternoon. Between school and our (un)family situation he’s been under a lot of stress lately. Today though, he was back to his regular happy self. I love that version of him. 

While we were driving into town he grabbed my phone and started typing everything he wanted to say into google translate. So, every time I’d ask him something Siri would answer. It was kind of like talking to a ventriloquist holding a dummy. The answers he gave were off the wall funny and completely unexpected. He had me laughing so hard my sides hurt. 

It’s been a tough few months, or a tough year, actually it’s been a really hard last few years. It is so nice that we are getting to a place where we feel the freedom to start to laugh and enjoy life more often. 

It was a great happiness moment today, belly laughing with the boy as he cracked jokes. 

We have so much to be thankful for. Even though I’m still asking God, I find myself thanking God more and more often. 

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Sustainable happiness

The farther I walk on this spiritual path the more I believe that choosing happiness and love is truly the most sustainable way for me to live my life. Not that there aren’t days that I want to just lie in bed and watch Netflix, but mostly I want to be out celebrating the fact that I am alive. It wasn’t always like this, in fact it’s taken years of dedication to get to this point. I’ve had to reestablish my spiritual connection, shift a lot of my personal connections, and deepen and strengthen my connection within myself. Fortunately my life now is completely unrecognizable from the one that I was living just 2 years ago.

Even with all the bumps along the road I go to bed every night knowing that I’m closer to being the better version of myself that I’m striving to be. It certainly has not happened all on my own power either. I have this awesome tribe of people here who lift me up every day. My kids inspire me to keep reaching for greatness, and our mixed up pets teach us all what unconditional love really means. And of course the gentle hand of God has picked me up and carried me through it all – even when I’ve been swearing and dragging my heels.

Every time I ask for help I keep hearing you’re on the right path. And even though I get really impatient and want more of the path to be illuminated I know that what I’m hearing is true. I know I’m on the right path because I can feel it in my soul. I see it reflected in the kids’ eyes, I hear it in their laughter – we are moving forward in love.

My happiness moment today was listening to the kids talk to each other (when they thought I wasn’t around) about how much they love living in this house.  I love seeing the quiet moments when they play together. They are such good friends and they are blessed to have that strong bond.

Today I was reminded of the inukshuk that I saw in the sky last year – a reminder that “you are on the right path” A message from Dad, a message from God.

  

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A beautiful love 

I questioned as I began the motions of this divorce how I would view love by the time I was through. I kind of laugh now looking back at how completely innocent I was in my knowledge about what had been going on in my marriage. I knew there had been betrayal, but I never imagined the depths that it went to – or the cost of it. I was completely unprepared for what I found out in discovery and processing all of that has been a real challenge for me.

As I look forward to the love that lies ahead for me I am so excited, like butterflies in my tummy excited. I had worried that I would feel bitter and angry towards men but that’s not the case. Don’t get me wrong, I’m bitter and angry towards Mr X, and even though I’m supposed to I don’t think I will forgive him for as long as I am breathing life on this planet. But, I’m not jaded at all about love. In fact, this process has made me believe in love all that much more, because now I know that real true love is an option for me. Because of this divorce I will be able to find a partner who really and truly loves me and wants to share a life with me. That’s something I thought would never happen. I embrace that with my whole heart. That brings me happiness.

On Sunday when our conference was coming to a close I witnessed the most beautiful declaration of love. Brian turned to his wife Nichole and said with a voice full of deep emotion:  you are the reason why I know God loves me.

I sat there with my heart fluttering and thought what a beautiful love. How special to have such a love and how lucky were we to watch them move in their love. Someone else said the balance of the two together creates a new whole. That’s what I want for myself. Someone who loves me that deeply and truly. Someone with whom I create a new whole. It will happen. Things are shifting in my life at an incredible pace.

This morning on our way into town Jenna made me pull over so we could see the lucky horseshoe in the sky. The past two days have been filled with unexpected happy blessings in the form of people (friends and strangers) who have held out a hand to make our lives more comfortable. Seriously, the weirdest things have been happening where people have gone out of their way to give us things or share blessings with us. Law of Attraction in motion.

Sitting with my monkeys and looking at the sign of fortune in the sky this morning was my happiness moment.

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Lay it down 

I think I am finally at the point where I lay down some of the burden I am carrying to God and surrender it. There’s nothing more *I* can do now anyway, someone else is going to decide what is fair and just and we will both have to live with that. I am looking forward to that, we are never going to agree.  I don’t want to be carrying around all this hurt and anger anymore. I do want the chance to begin to build a new life.

Part of the reason I’ve struggled with the surrender is because I have the feeling that what will come after that will be sadness. I’ve done disbelief, betrayal, fear, anger, and now here I am – surrender and some sadness. But, what am I sad about really? Now that I know who he is, I don’t love him so I’m not sad about it being over. I’m not sad about the idea of starting a new life. I think I’m just sad about the end of a dream I had for our family. A dream that was never going to come true anyway. I think the sadness part is going to be relatively quick.

So, I’m going to lay it all down and surrender it over to my higher power. I know he feeds on my anger and hurt, I’ve seen his smug smile when he’s managed to upset me (and I’m not the only one who has noticed this). It seems to bring him some strange satisfaction to know he’s managed to make me feel insecure or upset. I don’t need to be fueling that anymore.

I want to walk into the life I’m living now with joy and gratitude. There is so much about the life I’m living now that I appreciate. I am surrounded by an awesome tribe of people, I live where I love, I am gaining confidence in the career I’m establishing, and I can smell horses from my front yard. It’s time to look forward into my happy future instead of looking back at a very painful past.

Today is kind of a whole happiness moment day. I spent quiet time working on my course, spent time visiting with my sister, walked the dog on a gloriously warm Sunday afternoon, and tonight the monsters and I are having a very special (and fun, fun, fun) cousins night. I have so much in my life to be happy about and I am incredibly grateful that I decided to look for a happiness moment in each and every day. I think about how much my joy has increased since I began this journey and it makes me smile. Life is good.

I love where I live

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Spring cleaning 

I have decided with the change of season that it is once again time to get rid of those things that no longer serve me. 

Even though I have made a lot of changes over the past few years, and have already done a lot of clearing, there’s still a lot of crap I’m holding onto that isn’t serving me well. So, it’s time for all of that to go. 

There’s a lot of thoughts I need to change. In so many ways my life is more hopeful, positive, and happy – and I want my thoughts to reflect that part of my life. That black poison has consumed more than its fair share of my thinking and I’m done with that. 

So all that fear and hate that he’s sent my way I’m sending back. All the fear and hate I’ve created within myself (and I’ve done a good job of that), I’m releasing into the universe. I don’t need it. I want to think about the swans, the laughter of the kids, smiles from friends, and all the other glorious things the world has to offer. 

There’s a lot of material junk I’ve got sitting in my house that is no longer of any use to me as well. Some of it isn’t even mine. I don’t need to be holding  onto things that I’m not using, or that don’t bring me joy and have sentimental value. They’re all getting stacked up to go. 

I went through my Facebook and contacts and got rid of people I have lost touch with or aren’t friends with anymore. The clutter of old acquaintances who I will likely never talk to again was really filling up space. I want my world full of people who bring brightness into my life. 

My happiness moment was stretching this morning in my yoga class. It was during this class that I realized that I have so much I need to let go of. It feels good to surrender some of that. 

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If you don’t tell your story, someone else will. 

If you don’t tell your story, someone else will 

I came across this quote this morning while reading an article about the Canadian beef industry. Given my family and background, the article held a lot of interest to me because of the content. But, that quote just leapt out at me and hit me right in the soul. 

I have let someone else tell my story for a long time. Finally after a lot of work and faith building I am strong enough to start to tell my own story. 

My close tribe already know most of it. They have been my angels who have held me up as I have regained my strength and sense of self worth. Many others have just sensed it and have reached in with loving help. 

I have a feeling it will get worse before it gets better, but I also know that I am strong enough to stand in this storm. 

I spent some time doing some energy work this morning with my dear friend and mentor Asrael from Ananda Ayurveda. I can’t express properly the gratitude I have for this wonderful, spiritual woman who had guided me out of my darkness. 

We worked on helping let go of a lot of the painful emotions that are coming my way. I have been putting myself in the path of the strong chinook winds and letting them blow all the yuck out of me – both in my imagination and literally as I stand on the ridge and cleanse my soul. As we were deep in our energy work Ella the Yoga Cat (who loves Asrael and always comes and hangs out when we work together) came by. She punched me in the head, glared at me, then turned and stuck her fancy tail up in the air and marched away. I don’t think she liked the energy I was getting rid of!! Me neither but I’m glad to have it gone! 

This morning I started my happiness moment early as I ran outside in my bare feet and danced around appreciating the beautiful sunrise. Ok, I was mostly dancing because my feet were cold. But it was a glorious way to start the day. A lot of good things are happening.   

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Bad to the bone

Years ago, in my early twenties, I had what came to be remembered as the summer of fun. It was the first year ever that I wasn’t showing my horse. Had I known it marked the end of my competitive riding it may not have been the summer of fun, but I didn’t know that at the time. I was young and single and had a good friend who was also young and single and fun. We spent the summer camping all over Alberta and British Columbia. On a whim we would pack up our tent and our dogs and take off for parts unknown in search of adventure. 

Near the end of the summer we added some other friends to our posse and went house boating on the Shuswap. Our boat had those wonderfully loud speakers to blast music and our theme song quickly became Bad To The Bone by George Thorogood. Whenever it was time for us to drive the boat, go swimming, or pretty much whenever we needed to be heard we would blast out the beginning of that song. 

To me those guitar riffs that start off that song hold memories of fun, sun, smiles, friends, and self confidence. It was a time in my life when I was happy with who I was and had confidence in who I was becoming. 

This morning as I sang loudly and badly to Bad to the Bone on my morning run I thought how easier life would have been had I not been broken. How differently would my energy have been used had I not had to spend it fixing myself? The good thing is that like many breaks I am healing into a stronger version of who I was. And maybe that’s what I needed to do. 

I’m thankful I have the strength to keep reaching for better things. 

My happiness moment today is supervising my kids as they supervise my sister’s kids in the play zone at the mall. It’s fun watching the four of them run and play with each other. Cousin relationships are special and I’m thankful they have this opportunity to bond together.  

  

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Ain’t it fun…

I know we have all changed in some ways in the short time we have been home. Some of it has come through struggle and heartache. I had several moments in the last weeks of Dad’s life where I knew deep in my soul that what I was living in that moment would change me forever. Not all those changes are a bad thing either. Sure, there’s the broken feelings of missing Dad, but there was a certain strength I found during that time – and a special bonding with my mom and sister as we held each other close. That strength I will carry with me on the next part of my life journey. I got to know myself a lot better and discovered that I had a much deeper faith and love than I ever knew. 

I also see changes in the vibe of our household. The kids are happier being home – they love running across the yard to visit cousins, or to visit nana, or to visit the horses. Jenna spends hours riding her bike up and down the driveway and running up to the barn to see the cats. Jacob can play with his cousin, and gets to ride the sit down mower all over the place. 

I can see the happy house vibe in the pets. Ella the cat has gone from being a true scaredy cat – hiding at the slightest noise and not allowing anyone to hold her for long – to being the happiest, calmest, most cuddly little furball around. She purrs her way all over the place and is usually happily flopped in a sunbeam right in the middle of the house. 

Dottie actually smiles. If you didn’t know that a dog could smile then you need to see my Dotted Dog. She has gone from a contained, leashed life, to one of freedom. She runs around my yard, she runs out into the field. She runs behind the barn. She’s like Forrest Gump, she started running and she hasn’t stopped. Often when she’s running about she tears up to me and gives me a hige grin before taking off a full speed again. To me, she represents the freedom we have all found  since returning home. 

Today we had a massive thunder storm – the kind where the entire house was dark and the windows shook. After it was over, Dottie ran outside for a while. When she came  back in she was covered in mud, had the biggest happy grin on her face, and dropped a horse hoof (the trimmed part – farriers must have been here) at my feet, and danced around. Once I got over the gahhhhh so much mud to clean up moment I took in her happiness and realized that was my happiness moment for the day. It embodies everything good about being here. Freedom and fun. 

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Freedom dog 

 My little Dotted Dog has some issues. She’s socially challenged and a little neurotic   This is why we get along so well. I understand those issues well. 

She has a history of chasing cars and being unsociable with dogs. It’s not that she’s aggressive, but since she has no social skills (and thinks she’s a human ) she’s run into some difficulties. More so typically with owners. 

This mornng she met my cousin’s dog, Star, who is 7 months old and full of energy. I was a little worried about how it would go. But Star came running at her like Dottie was the most amazing being in the world and Dottie decided to just pretend she wasn’t there. Eventually they ended up settling into an ok kind of walk with Star bouncing and Dottie with her cloak of invisibility. 

Out on the walk, Dottie saw what may have been her first gopher. I never saw it to be sure but there certainly was something of interest there. 

    

But the biggest deal of all was that as soon as we got back in the yard I let her off her leash. Because of the car chasing and general neurosis she’s always on a leash. But now she has more freedom. 

 

My moment of happiness. Freedom. 

This made me think how true this is for all of us. Dottie is not the only one to have freedom. Jacob got to walk to Tim Hortons with friends. Today the kids walked the mall by themselves. Freedoms they never had before.

 There is a huge amount of freedom that comes with the feeling of security and belonging.  

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