Tag Archives: home

happiness

Selling by giving

I am taking a most amazing workshop this weekend called Selling by Giving. I am blessed to be able to take it remotely from home and at a sweetheart of a deal provided by New World Ayurveda.

The more I’ve been sitting with the realization that I now suddenly have to become responsible for the financial care of myself and my kids (as well as all the emotional and physical care) the more I’ve realized that now is the time to really make some big changes in my life. I’ve supported someones else’s dreams for over a decade and a half. Now it’s time that I get to follow my own.

So what are my dreams? I got so used to having to squish my dreams down I forgot for a long time what it felt like to have them.

The bliss that I find from not only studying Ayurveda, but from writing this blog has made such a huge difference in my life. I think of where I was 3 years ago when I first started studying. I was so anxious and unhappy I could barely function. The changes that have happened in the year since I started writing this blog have made my life unrecognizable from where it was when I began. I not only seek happiness but now I embrace and know I deserve it. That has been a lifesaver and a game changer. It meant that I could no longer allow myself to be mistreated.

No matter where this road takes me, I know I’m in a better and more aligned space than I likely have ever been. All of these heartaches and attacks on my soul have lead me to really search deeply in my being and find out what makes me tick, what makes me happy, what makes my spirit sing. I have started to ask the question what is really important in my life? The short answer is love and happiness. I want to live a life that is filled with giving and receiving love and happiness. The more I have myself the more I have to give. And I’m understanding how very important it is to fill up my own cup so that my abundance can flow over to those around me.

Love does not depend on how you behave, what you look like, or what you wear. I think of the love I have for my kids and there is nothing they could ever do that would make me stop loving them. For so long I was trained that if I didn’t behave in a certain way I was unworthy – which basically led to me self-destructing. Feeling unloved and unworthy (and being told on a regular basis that I was such) was the most painful thing that ever has happened to me.

And now I’m in a space where I can embrace love and happiness. It may take me a while to fully walk into the understanding that my life now has value, but I’m on my way.

This course today had us doing some beautiful exercises that challenged me to think of what I want in my future, what changes I want to bring into my life. Being able to look ahead at my future with joy and anticipation, that is my happiness moment today.

Standard
happiness

Stand firm

I actually had a full and deep rest last night – which was a huge blessing as we (finally) had our support hearing this morning.

When I got up I decided to read today’s reading in the devotions book my cousin gave me yesterday.  I figured since it had given me such a strong answer to my prayer yesterday that perhaps I had better check it out before starting a day that I knew would be filled with emotion.

I won’t write the whole thing out again, but the verse was: Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. Exodus 14:13

The verse contains God’s command to me as a believer for those times when I am confronted with dire circumstances and extraordinary difficulties. What am I to do when I cannot retreat or go forward and my way is blocked to the right and to the left?

The Master’s word to me is “Stand firm”. And the best thing I can do at these times is to listen only to my Master’s word…… 

So, basically yesterday’s orders were to wait and be patient because it takes time for prayers to be answered. Today’s were to stand firm and listen for guidance.

My prayers were answered today and we were granted an order for support. It’s enough that the kids and I can join hands and walk into the new life we are creating. I don’t know where I’m going or how I’ll get there, but I do know I’m on the right path. I feel it in every part of my soul. I am grateful and happy beyond what I can properly express that the judge agreed that we need to be provided for, and that I now have the chance to spread my wings and see how well I fly.

Thank you so much to everyone who has given us so much love and support during all of this. I know there’s more ahead, but I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I can breathe and start to make plans for our future – and enjoy our present.  Having the comfort of my tribe around me (near and far) is one of the greatest blessings in my life.

Standard
happiness

And so I listened 

It was 25C today in Calgary – a pretty special treat for April. Jenna and I spent most of the afternoon in at the cast clinic at the Children’s Hospital and were finally given the “all clear”. She was able to remove her air cast and get rid of the crutches. She hasn’t stopped smiling yet (happiness moment #1).

When we got home this evening I decided I should grab my poor, neglected Dotted Dog and take her out for a walk. I love my walking time, and especially tonight I needed some head clearing. I walked and prayed and cried and yelled (thank goodness we are in the country and I can do such things). I asked God what it was I was supposed to be doing. I feel so helpless and upset and angry and frustrated and afraid. What am I supposed to do? Then I stood on the road and yelled at the sky (like Jenna used to yell at me when she was smaller) answer me!!! I asked you what am I supposed to do!! At least give me some kind of sign!!!

And then I kept walking, because really – what kind of sign was going to come to me on this road in the middle of nowhere?

I heard that other voice in my head (as Jacob says – you know how there’s the voice you control, and then the other voice that talks back that you don’t control – well that one) say it’s like you’ve planted a garden and you keep digging it up to see if anything’s growing. You know things can’t grow like that. And then because I’m easily distracted I missed a lot of the profoundness of that statement and started thinking about my garden and what I wanted to plant in it.

Less than 5 minutes later my cousin pulled up beside me in his truck and handed me a book “read this, it was given to me, it’s a daily devotional and it really helped me, I think it’s time to pass it on to you.” We chatted for a while – and I met his adorable puppy – and then he drove off on his way.

I walked for a couple of minutes with the book and then thought – hmmm out of nowhere I was handed a daily devotional book. Perhaps I should see what today’s reading is.

And I read God’s answer to my prayer, and so I listened….

April 18

I once believed that after I prayed, it was my responsibility to do everything in my power to bring about the answer. Yet God taught me a better way and showed me that self-effort always hinders His work. He also revealed that when I prayed and had confident trust in Him for something, He simply wanted me to wait in an attitude of praise and do only what He told me. Sitting still, doing nothing except trusting in the Lord, causes a feeling of uncertainty, and there is often a tremendous temptation to take the battle into our own hands. 

We all know how difficult it is to rescue a drowning person who tries to help his rescuer, and it is equally difficult for the Lord to fight our battles for us when we insist on trying to fight them ourselves. It is not that God will not but that he cannot, for our interference hinders His work.

Spiritual forces cannot work while we are trusting earthly forces.

Often we fail to give God an opportunity to work, not realizing that it takes time for Him to answer prayer. It takes time for God to color a rose or to grow a great oak tree. And it takes time for Him to make bread from wheat fields. He takes the soil, then grinds and softens it. He enriches it and wets it with rain showers and with dew. Then He brings the warmth of life to the small blade of grass, later grows the stalk and the amber grain, and finally provides bread for the hungry. 

All this takes time. Therefore we sow the seed, till the ground, and then wait and trust until God’s purpose has been fulfilled. We understand this principle when it comes to planting a field, and we need to learn the same lesson regarding our prayer life. It takes time for God to answer our prayer. (Streams in the Desert for Graduates by LB Cowman)

Standard
happiness

At the swing set 

We spent part of the afternoon outside in the yard playing at the swing set. It was sunny and warm, a perfect Saturday afternoon. I love that I’m getting to know my niece and nephew on a more regular basis instead of only seeing them once a year. 

Hearing little girl squeals of push me higher auntie Melissa was my happiness moment today

  
As she was coming inside, my niece got very upset that her mommy had shut the door and was worried she wasn’t going to be able to get in. 

My sister and I laughed at that thought – she said: like I’ve ever not been there when she’s needed me I said: I know. She knows she can trust you completely and yet there’s such great doubt. Which is when I had to look upwards and say ahhhhh get it God. That’s how You feel when I doubt You. Point taken. Have faith. 
Lift you hands lift your eyes in the storm is where you’ll find Me. And where you are I’ll hold your heart, I’ll hold your heart. (Casting Crowns)

Standard
happiness

Learning to surrender

Learning to surrender seems to be my theme over the past year. Not too long ago I had to surrender to God as I watched Dad come to the end of his life. I so wanted a miracle, and prayed for him to get better. But that wasn’t the path, and I was finally able to surrender to God and allow what was going to happen.

As difficult (and incredibly sad) as that was in some ways it was easier than the surrender I am learning to fall into now. I knew Dad was going to die. Surrendering all of that to God felt like being lifted up and held. It provided love and comfort.

I’ve struggled much more during this divorce with the concept of surrender. I sometimes confuse that word with giving up, and I constantly have to remind myself that they have completely different meanings. I get often angry at the thought of surrender (confusing the actions) and think – I am never going to just give up. I didn’t stand up for myself (and the kids) for years, finally I’m strong enough to face this and I’m not going to wave the white flag ever.

But, giving up and surrendering are totally different. I don’t have to give up the path I am on in order to surrender to God.

Giving up means rolling up in a ball in bed and crying. It means no action, no hope, living in suffering, and moving away from the connection with God. It actually sounds much like the way I lived for years in an emotionally abusive marriage. Well, that was an eyeopening and unexpected revelation (maybe you knew it already, I didn’t until I wrote it just now).

Surrender is more an acceptance of what is. By releasing it allows for more happiness, brings me closer to God, and means embracing life as it is.

This has been such an emotionally challenging year. Having Mr. X cut off our finances not even 8 months after Dad died and then finding out he had spent thousands of dollars getting his mistress into bed while telling me he was living on rice and beans was gutting. But it showed me once and for all the person that he is. I couldn’t deny it or make excuses for that behaviour anymore.

Every time I pray for help, for support, for love I keep hearing that I need to surrender everything to Him. And then I fight it. Because I don’t want to give up. But now I understand that I can surrender without giving up. I’m not saying I’ll go gently into it. I think it will be a struggle for the rest of my life this learning how to gracefully surrender. That frustrates me because I have a strong faith and I know that  every single time I have needed Him that God has been there preforming miracles. It should be the easiest thing in the world to have complete trust in the One Being who would never let me down. And yet….

I’m a work in progress

My happiness moment was standing in my kitchen looking out at the barn listening to the song Stuck on You. I used to take my old tape recorder with songs I’d recorded off the radio (remember the 70s and 80s?) and play my songs over and over while I hung out with Pirate in the barn. Some of my best memories are of singing Stuck on You while grooming and hugging on him. He was a one of a kind pony and I feel so blessed that he was in my life. I learned so much about how to be brave and to achieve the impossible from my relationship with him. That was love.

Standard
happiness

A man like that

Yesterday I ran into my old riding coach at the grocery store. I hadn’t seen her since I was a teenager, and after giving her a hug we had a wonderful (albeit short) visit. She asked me how my parents were doing and I did the big sigh and had to tell her about dad dying last year. She said she was so sorry to hear that and what a great loss, and then told me that her husband had passed away a couple of years ago. I did the same condolence thing back to her.

Then she explained how she was having such a difficult time getting over him. She felt that it was taking her longer than other people to adjust to life without him. She said that she’d been telling this to a friend and they’d responded with of course it’s taking you a long time to get over him. You don’t just get over a man like that. And then she looked at me with sad eyes and said Your dad was a man like that. She is right. Those kind of men, if you are fortunate enough to have them in your lives, you don’t just get over. We are both fortunate to have had men like that in our lives. What I remember of her husband is that he was a caring, gentle soul. 

I was asked recently what I’m looking for in my next mate. My answer was (aside from wanting someone who is kind) that I want the type of person that when a fire breaks out they work with me to put it out, and then help me to rebuild. Instead of…. oh say…. pouring kerosene on the house, throwing a lit match, running away, and then after the fact blaming me because that they lost their home. Inner strength and sound moral character. A man like that.

Last year we were at a family birthday party in celebration of three of the men in our extended family. The wife of the man hosting the party (and one of the birthday boys – a man who was one of Dad’s closest friends back in the day) stood up and gave a little speech. She talked about how she had kiddingly referred to her husband as an old geezer  and then was promptly informed that that was not a kind term to use. She responded in her speech with a definition of an old geezer that would make any decent man proud to be one

Geezers” (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:

At sporting events, during the playing of

the National Anthem, Old Geezers hold

their caps over their hearts and sing without

embarrassment. They know the words and

believe in them. Old Geezers remember

World War I, the Depression, World

War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy

and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age,

the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age

and the Moon Landing, not to mention Vietnam.

If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk,

he will apologize. If you pass an Old Geezer

on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a

lady. Old Geezers trust strangers and are

courtly to women. Old Geezers hold the door

for the next person and always, when walking,

make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses

in front of women and children and they don’t like

any filth on TV or in movies. Old Geezers have

moral courage. They seldom brag unless it’s

about their grandchildren.

It’s the Old Geezers who know our great country

is protected, not by politicians or police, but by

the young men and women in the military serving their country.

This country needs Old Geezers with their decent

values. We need them now more than ever.

Thank God for Old Geezers!

The men who were being celebrated are all of that and more. I feel so honoured to come from a family that produces men of such character.

I deserve to be loved by a man like that.

The old geezers described are men like that.

My dad was a man like that.

I am raising a man like that. I can see it in how he treats other people. How he stops to open doors for others, how he asks for extra change to buy coffee for seniors, how he picks up and cuddles babies, how he laughs, how he stands up for his sister, how he plays, how he loves. He is well on his way to being a man like that.

My happiness moment today, watching Jacob hold open the door at Tim Horton’s for an older gentleman, greeting him with full eye contact and a smile. When given the choice,  Jacob always chooses to be kind, he chooses to be a man like that.

Standard
happiness

Just be held 

I’ve spent so much time being his broken object that I forgot I was His beloved child. 

Last night my sister sent me YouTube link to the song Just Be Held by Casting Crowns and told me I needed to listen to it (lyrics are at the end of the post). She was right, I’ve been listening to it pretty much non stop since. 

I’ve talked about how I was feeling overwhelmed. I also have talked about how I’ve finally let go of my fear. I kind of used my anger (and I’ve had a lot of it) to pull myself out of fear. But then I was left wondering what’s next? What will pull me out of anger?

I need to surrender to God. Much as I realized part way through the end of Dad’s journey that all I could do was love and surrender, in a different way it’s all I can do now. 

I’ve spent too much time with my eyes on the storm and not enough time with my eyes on the cross. 

I went out for my walk today and put my headphones on so I could listen to the song while I walked. I listened and prayed and cried as I travelled my beloved familiar path. 

I kept hearing your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place. 

This song brings me such comfort and makes me feel like I can begin to surrender some of my pain and uncertainty to God. 

I stood for a long time looking at the mountains asking God what I should be doing. What is His plan? What action do I need to take?

I heard just be held, just be held, just be held

I stood there crying letting God hold and comfort me. 

Then because God has a sense of humor the song suddenly switched to Baby’s going to cry by the Eurythmics. I tuned back in at the line:

Now there’s a cool breeze blowin’

Blowin’ out the flame

That used to burn inside me

At the mention of your name,

Now there’s a cool breeze blowin’

Blowin’ down the track –

That’s where I’m goin’

And I’m never comin’ back…

There is no going back. Even if there was I don’t want to. The things I’ve found out in the last couple of months (and trust me I’ve barely shared what I discovered) have let me know without a doubt it’s time to let go. 

My happiness moment was standing by the slough looking at the swans and allowing myself to Just be held. 

 

“Just Be Held”

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting

Chained by your control

There’s freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm

You’ll wonder if I love you still

But if your eyes are on the cross

You’ll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted

In time, you’ll understand

I’m painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in My hands
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held
Lift your hands, lift your eyes

In the storm is where you’ll find Me

And where you are, I’ll hold your heart

I’ll hold your heart

Come to Me, find your rest

In the arms of the God who won’t let go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away

You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your worlds not falling apart, its falling into place

I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held (stop holding on and just be held)

Just be held, just be held, just be held, just be held

Standard
happiness

Time to give 

 I’ve been feeling really overwhelmed lately. I’m trying not to be, but I am. Then I think of what the last year has brought. A move home, time spent with my dad as he prepared for his death, intense grieving, being cut off my mr x, filing for divorce, discovering absolutely brutal lies and betrayals on the part of mr x, having to figure out at age 45 how to support me and the kids after being home for over 11 years, learning to recover from years spent with a narcissist. Throw in being a full time single parent, helping my kids through their intense emotional feelings about all of the same issues, and helping my mom out, and it’s no freaking wonder I’m overwhelmed. 

I was sitting quietly contemplating this feeling earlier today. What could I do to lessen the feeling of suffocating? Everywhere I turn there’s someone who needs me I thought, sometimes I just want to spend a day in my Pjamas and read a book. But that is not my life right now. 

Then I came across this quote 
“I can’t take it anymore”

“Then give”

Yes. That’s what I need to do. Give. Keep giving. Because that’s always easy to do when one is feeling overwhelmed. Sigh. 

Then as God does, He showed me what He meant. 

The joystick on mom’s chair broke today and I was trying to fix it. My mom has always been a huge support to me, but these last few months after mr x withdrew finances, she and my uncle and aunt have been what have prevented the kids and I from being destitute and homeless. She needed my help (and she’s overwhelmed too) so I gave it 

Then when my help proved to be futile I called the person we all call when we need help – my cousin. Another person who goes flat out around the clock. And without a second thought she was down helping me out (and by helping I mean she fixed it). 

Much as we are all overwhelmed and stressed out, that act of being able to give to someone – kindness, love, money, support- it makes you feel so much better.  Life lesson learned today. 

As an awesome happiness moment we had a community shower today. I am so blessed that I come from his huge tribe of people. It has been such a blessing to be brought back into the fold. The kind of happiness I’m finding now goes deep into the core of my soul. I have freed myself of the fear I lived in for so long and am able more and more every day to embrace the joy and bliss of the life I am living.   

Standard
happiness

Dirt under my nails 

Spring has arrived – which for the 9th of April in Alberta is kind of a miracle in itself. We are as likely to have a snowstorm as a sunny day at this time of the year. I’ve been looking at my gardens every day as I was running in and out of the house thinking happily that it was time to play in the dirt. I finally got outside this afternoon and did some digging.

I’m amazed at the things that are coming up. Things are actually flowering already. I’m so excited and happy. More than anything, I am thankful for this sign of the beauty of new beginnings. I am going to embrace this season and the new beginning of this part of my life with an open and joyful heart.

I’m amazed at myself with all the things I’ve learned to do over the past year. Instead of being fearful of everything like I was to begin with, now I welcome and celebrate all the new and exciting experiences. I am meeting fascinating and kind new people, reconnecting with my beloved old friends and family, and learning so much about Ayurveda and life in general.  There are endless possibilities ahead of me now, nothing is too big or too small to dream about. And I have some pretty awesome dreams I’m going to turn into reality.

Standard
happiness, law of attraction, narcissist

Cousins of the round table 

I feel so fortunate that I was blessed at birth with ready made best friends in the form of my sister and cousins. They don’t all live as close to me as I’d like, but those relationships stand the test of time. No matter how much time goes past or what happens I know there’s this awesome tribe of people that I belong to. The same thing goes for my kids. They are a part of this awesome extended family we have that stretches across Alberta, BC, The Yukon, Ontario, New York, Italy, and Texas. Both sides of my family have such a strong bond, and I appreciate that more and more as time goes on.

Tonight we were treated to supper by one of my cousins in Cochrane between guitar lessons and youth group. This round table of cousins worked out so perfectly, each one of us had a friend to sit with – she has a girl and a boy close to the same age as my kids. Sitting around and laughing with this beautiful part of my tribe was a happiness moment for the day that will warm my heart for a long time.

I feel kind of like we are the Whos down in Whoville. The grinch may have stolen our Christmas, but he can’t steal our love and joy. We will stand firmly in our tribe singing our songs of happiness no matter what kind of hate and destruction he sends our way. Although I will never forgive the hurt that he has inflicted on us, I’m caring less and less about the fact that he’s trying to destroy me. He can’t do that. I am getting stronger and stronger with each and every day.

Every time I have needed something on this journey it has been provided for me, and I have faith and trust in the fact that this also will turn out for the best. Just because he says I’m worthless and stupid does not make it so. In fact, this journey has taught me what incredible strength and love I possess. I have learned so many things over the past few months that have really shown to me that all those hateful things I was taught by him about myself aren’t true. I came across this wonderful quote this morning and it taught me exactly how I will look at his behaviour as I move ahead through this divorce. I think it’s important to talk about it because there’s so much shame put on the person who is being used by a narcissist. It is possible to get out of that relationship and move on to a happy life which is what we all deserve. With every step I take he’s more and more just someone I used to know.

Standard