Tag Archives: alberta

happiness

Faith can move mountains 

Today I told my faith story to someone for the first time. It was so different to tell it from that perspective, I’ve thought of it privately as a story of faith for sometime, but I’ve never really shared it in that context before. Telling it as a journey of faith, instead of a time of trauma,  made me realize it’s time to tell it like that more. Time to tell how God came and healed my life at a time when I felt I was completely broken, shattered, left lying on the ground. I’m not broken anymore, and although I didn’t realize it until recently,  I don’t think I ever was. What I was was just really hurt and lost.

The last couple of years have consisted of a series of miracles for me, the only time the miracles stopped was when I ignored my faith, my intuition, the voice of God. This summer, after months of standing firmly in my faith, in my trust, in my love,  I stopped listening to that voice and found myself once again a hot mess. It was a good reminder that I always need that time to connect with my Source, I need to listen to that intuition (which for me is the voice of God), I need to honour how I function in my faith. If I don’t, I feel all out of sorts and it takes me a really long time to figure out what is wrong (because I’m not connected to my Source anymore and I can’t find my balance – when I can’t find my balance I’m screwed).

Telling my story today in the context of faith really helped remind me of how far I’ve come on my spiritual journey. I think I’ve always had faith on an abstract level, but when I fell to the floor in despair a few years ago – having tried to fix my life myself – and finally handed everything over to God, everything changed for me. Suddenly things that seemed impossible started happening all over the place in my life. Small miracles, big miracles, things were changing and I was filled with love and gratitude for all I was being blessed with.

In the past couple of months I’ve got my spiritual groove back and everything is falling into place again. In fact new, really big, cool, things are starting to take shape and I love that. What I do know for certain is that I have to keep myself focused on having faith in order for these things to keep on happening. Faith is what grounds me, what gives me wings, what shapes me, what drives me. Faith not only moves mountains, it brought me back home to mine.

Tonight I was out on my walk and I was thinking about God and dad and my faith journey. I had a memory of a moment a few days before dad’s death when my mom, dad, sister, and I were all sitting quietly in the sunroom. In those last days there was a real awareness that there were not going to be very more moments left for the original four to have time together. I sighed and said out loud to God that I really missed those times of my original family being together. I looked up and circling around the slough were four swans. Something about them made me think of our original four and it made me smile. It was a moment of happiness brought together by a day of deep introspection about what my faith is and how it has shaped my life.

Then of course, because I’m me, about 10 minutes further down the road – at the spot where it seems I am prone to these types of meltdowns – I had a full out yelling session at God. I wasn’t even aware that I had these issues pent up inside of me – and honestly when I was done I was pretty glad that I live in the middle of nowhere so no one else had to witness that. But, I have to say  that for me those moments of breakdown yelling at God are often the most healing and productive ones.

I often wonder what it’s like for those people who talk best to God on their knees, heads bent in prayer. I’ve never been able to pray when other people are around, and I don’t think I could even pray like I was taught we should. I just go out in a field and chatter away to God about everything and anything. I talk, I laugh, I cry, I yell, I ask, I give thanks, I do it all.  I think it comes from the hours spent in those same fields on the back of a horse – which was how I first found my spiritual connection – it seems to still be the most effective method for me.

What I am discovering is that even though I’ve got a whirlwind of things going on, even though there’s so much that is uncertain, even though I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, the fact that I’m learning to walk deep in my faith allows me to say it is well with my soul. 

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Walk of faith 

Last summer I was outside in the yard playing with my sister, her kids, and my kids. When it was time to come back in the house, my sister stood and held the kitchen door open so my (then) 4 year old niece could come inside.

Instead of walking through the open door, S stood just outside and stressed about the fact that she was fearful that her mommy would shut the door on her. In the stubborn way that only little kids can have she stood there refusing to move, all the while saying that she doubted that her mommy would keep the door open for her.

My sister explained to her (several times) that she would never shut the door on her, asked her had she ever not been there for her when S needed her? She would never hurt her, S knew that she could trust her, and she was her mom and she loved her very much.

Yet still, this little girl doubted this loving being who had never shown her anything besides safe, caring, unconditional, protective love.

When S finally pranced safely through the door, I turned to my sister and said do you ever think that’s how God feels about us? He’s never given us any reason to doubt him, He’s always protected us and loved us, and yet we seem to question Him every step of the way.

It’s kind of stood out to me as an important reminder that I can and should trust that He is walking beside me, is loving me, and is holding the door open for me all I have to do is walk through it.

Apparently because I felt like crying this afternoon, I spent some time going through old emails that my Dad had sent me. He used to send me some really thoughtful comments about my blog, and his messages were always so full of love and support. So, I cried because I miss him, I cried because we didn’t come home sooner, I cried because I feel like I’ve let my kids down.

But, in all that crying, I came across an email sent by my dad which included a photo he titled “the door waiting to be opened“. He said:

the caption that hit me for this photo is “the door waiting to be opened”. I realize that it’s not the initial object the eye focuses on, but as I was taking the photo (in the middle of apple blossoms with the trunk of the aging apple tree in front of me) that was the message that came to me.

I kind of feel like I’ve been standing outside waiting for the door to be opened, when in reality it’s been open all the time just waiting for me to walk through it. It’s that whole having faith that as I walk through it, knowing that it won’t get slammed on me. And while people can be really good at slamming doors, I have no reason to believe that He who has led me so patiently on this path would do anything besides hold my hand as I walk through it.

 

I shared this story in a small group this morning at church. Starting to really own and understand the strength in my faith – that’s my happiness moment. Starting to walk through the door – that’s me walking into my dharma, my bliss, my love.

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Absolutely nothing 

I’m lying here in the hammock in our yard staring up at the big old trees. I came out to put away all the outdoor furniture. But since it’s 20C and the 5th of November i. Alberta, I succumbed to the call of the hammock. 

I was looking at our old house. There’s so much history in those walls, in this yard. It’s where my family started building a life in Alberta a hundred and thirtyish years ago. 

I love that after all of our time  of uncertainty, of feeling ungrounded that this is where we were brought to heal and get strong  again 

Jacob looked out the window of his bedroom and waved at me. I realized that he and his great grandfather who were born 98 years apart both spent parts of their childhood surrounded by the walls of this home. 

The great thing about a beautiful day like this where I have accomplished absolutely nothing is that it has given me time to reflect on where we are, where I want to see us go, how grateful I am for all that God has provided for us, and how incredibly fortunate we are to be part of this tribe. 

It is what happiness moments are all about 

Sunrise from our front yard. 

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Pizza in the mountains 

We took a forced family fun trip to Canmore today – my mom, my girl, my sister and her kids. It was beautiful here today. The car said 21C which was almost nicer than most days during our summer of rain. 

I love that  we are so close to the mountains – I need those mountain hugs on a regular basis. It was a fantastic happiness moment sharing supper with the family in a place that we all love. 

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God and the moon

On the way home from town Jacob and I got into a big God talk. I love talking God with that kid because he feels Him from his heart in the same way I do. Having spent time trying to talk God with someone who only gets things from their head recently, I found it refreshing to have deep talks with sowmone who feels things the same way I do. Not that different perspectives aren’t a good thing, but that one just confirmed for me that feeling God from my heart is the best way for me to go. 

As we were mid talk, Jacob was really letting go on some of his beliefs, we looked west and saw the beauty in the end of the day. It was so amazing we had to pull over and sit and admire it for a while. Which of course led to a moment of gratitude for that God whom we were talking about – he makes some pretty cool art. 


Sitting with the boy, enjoying the last rays of light was an awesome happiness moment. 

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Happy paws

I had a very simple moment of happiness – which was quite welcome after so much emotional energy shifting these last few days. 

It was sunny and warm(ish) out so o grabbed my dotted dog and went for a walk along the ridge. I love that place, it clears my head and is filled with ghosts of memories past. She was the happiest dog in the world this afternoon. 

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Here I am

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Something has shifted over the weekend. I think one of the coolest things about really big changes is that usually I never see them coming – suddenly they’re just there.

I think it started at the horse show on Friday. I was reminded what a powerful force horses are in my life. They’ve always been my spiritual gateway to God. All of the searching I’ve done for peace, love, and happiness in the last few years I always had organically when I was with one of my beloved horses.

I held onto those feelings as I headed to church Sunday when all of the pieces seemed to fall together for me. I spoke with one of the ministers there about this fantastic idea I have to help celebrate every child, it’s starting to take shape and I’m really excited about the happiness it can bring to someone in need of a smile.

I said yesterday that I needed to sit with my feelings about my group and about the sermon. I lay in bed for a long time trying to quietly listen, asking what it was I needed to let go of in order to be able to allow my gifts to shine. I woke up this morning with the hymn Here I am Lord playing in my head. I have not listened to this song for years, I can only assume that God put it there for me to hear.

It all clicked. I’ve been struggling with letting go, with surrendering, with allowing – but what I never, ever did was just stop and say here I am Lord. Here I am, right now in this moment, I am here and I am listening. I am ready to do what You want me to do. And I actually am now ready to do what He tells me to do. I’ve tried all the other roads, I’ve tried to do it myself. It does not work. I am here, I am ready, I am listening. I’ll do it, I’ll show up. Just let me know what to do, where to go, I’m there.

I downloaded the song on Spotify (here it is on Youtube) and listened to it a few times this morning. The sense of peace that came to me was almost overwhelming. That was the peace I’ve been looking for all along. It was inside me, just waiting for me to be ready.

There’s going to be a lot of happiness later on today with Halloween. We are gathering with part of the tribe at my cousin’s house to celebrate the candyfest. Never, ever should the power of that tribe be underestimated – they are the wind beneath my wings. But, this moment of happiness deserves special recognition as well. This huge shift as a different kind of understanding has been brought to my soul.

Here I am Lord, Is it I, Lord?
I have heard You calling in the night. 
I will go Lord, if You lead me.
I will hold Your people in my heart.

The photo at the top was one taken by my Dad. He was such a guiding force on my spiritual journey, I miss our talks but I know he’s close by still holding me through it all. I feel like the butterfly, I’ve undergone such a powerful transformation over these past few years. 

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The value in the gifts

It seems as though the past couple of months have really been about spending time paying attention to the gifts I’ve been given, figuring out my personal power, and then learning how to own and walk into all of that. I remember weeks ago talking with Asrael and saying that I felt like I was on the edge of another big shift, but that for the life of me I couldn’t figure out what it was. I had already had so many huge life changes, I was really wanting some stability.

But, I jumped off that cliff into the unknown yet again and it’s been pretty amazing. I find it interesting how it took hearing someone whom I loved and trusted tell me how little they valued me to discover how much I had learned to value myself. Once I really could acknowledge that and own it it started to change everything for me. It didn’t matter what someone else thought about me because I know who I am and I know that I have great things to offer. Life changing.

I love how God brings me things just as I need them, and right as I was sitting in this discovery was when I was brought into this amazing group at church. I don’t think it was just coincidence that I was pulled into a group whose focus was on discovering the gifts that God gave us right at a time when I was finally ready to embrace my own.

One of the ladies in our group today gave a really inspiring talk about how she had come to the end of her rope and turned to God saying she needed help right then, and how suddenly things shifted and fell into place for her. It’s that surrender thing, if I can get to the point where I can just surrender then everything comes together. Once I allow that I’m not in charge and just doing what I’m guided to do things work. We went into service and it was the exact same message in the sermon. Ending with him yelling what is it you’re holding onto? What can’t you let go of that is getting in the way of you sharing your gifts?

It’s made me really crave some quiet time to sit and think about that. I’m at a really unique place in my life. For the first time in 20 years I don’t have to think of the dreams of anyone else (except for my kids – but I will always support whatever their dreams are anyway). I don’t have to worry about helping someone else build their career, find their dreams, meld my life plans with theirs. Right now in this space in time I can build my own dreams without having to worry about how they fit in with anyone else. It seems like the perfect time to really make those great inspirations soar doesn’t it? Right now, in this space there should be nothing that is getting in the way of me sharing my gifts. Everything is old baggage that I am happy to drop and leave behind.

Our group had a celebration this morning. Everyone brought something that represented some form of the gifts they had been given to share. It was a fantastic way to learn about who some of these women are. I love when strong, kind women come into my life. They’re the kind that I want to bring into my tribe.

Here’s a small sample of some of the gifts brought in. So much love and talent and support. I’ve needed this kind of group in my life – the fact that I’ve been guided to it is a happiness moment that will keep on giving.

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The healing process

I read a fantastic article this morning on healing – it described perfectly how I’ve been feeling, what I’ve been sorting out. I wrote yesterday about how tired I’ve been, today I remembered how I need to honour the healing process. Instead of beating myself up for not being where I want to be on my journey, I want to celebrate how incredibly far I have come.

The article was in Elephant Journal – they have been a fantastic source of information for me not only in my healing, but in my learning of how bring balance to my life. The article is called Living with CPTSD Following an Abusive Relationship – read it. Read it if you feel like you have been or are in one, read it if you want to better understand how things were and are for me. She manages to put words to my feelings in a way I never have been able to, it’s always been too painful and too difficult to really sit in that place. It made me realize that it’s ok that I still feel overwhelmed and tired. I’ve been through a lot, and I try very often to pretend that it never happened at all. Especially the really painful parts. As much as I need to celebrate the good, it seems I need to acknowledge the bad. Not forever, but right now it seems to be part of the letting go process.

Along with that pain is the acknowledgement, gratitude, relief, joy that we are home, we are safe, we are happy, and we are building a totally new life. That is happiness, not just in a moment, but for a lifetime.

home, our roots, our grounding place

The girl and I watched a bit of The Peanuts movie tonight. Snoopy, Charlie Brown and the gang are happiness that stands the test of time. It was a wonderful happiness moment sharing that with her.

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Recharge

I’ve been noticing lately how incredibly tired I am. It’s like the long, drawn out tired that has been sitting inside my soul for years as I’ve struggled to get to this place – safe, happy, home. Now that I don’t have to struggle anymore I’ve discovered how completely exhausted I am. Those burdens aren’t as heavy, but I haven’t bounced back to where I was before either. I’m in a recharge process and I have to remember that.

Today was spent reorganizing the house a little bit. The season has changed, it was dark when we left for school this morning, the winter gear needed to be brought out. I’m thankful that I have the time to focus on building the safest, happiest home I can for my family. I’m grateful that I can be reminded of how to use my energy and how to recharge myself so I have enough to give.

It was a quiet happiness moment as I pulled out the winter things and hung them on the walls. I decided that come November 1 this year I am putting Christmas all over the house. We will celebrate the love and joy in this family! Plus, I have these really cool Yoda lights and I can’t wait to hang them.

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