Tag Archives: anxiety

happiness

Embrace your light

I was reminded this morning that I have forgotten how to breathe. Not in the OMG I’m not going to suffocate and die at this moment way, but that somehow I’ve forgotten how to breathe into my peace and bliss. Sometimes I get so caught up in life, running around trying to put out fires, that I forget that one of the best things I can do for myself is to just stop and breathe. Slowly, deeply, inhaling that healing breath. It never ceases to amaze me what an immediate difference that makes to my nervous system.

I was doing the first of the new series of Healing Light Yoga Therapy classes lead by my friend and mentor Asrael. I have done every series she has offered so far and it has been such an important part of my healing journey.

It surprised me (although it shouldn’t have) all the emotions that were brought up for me in that class. This journey I’ve been on has been about embracing happiness, but there’s many more emotions attached to it as well. Part of finding happiness for me has meant that I also have been able to acknowledge that other emotions flow through me – anger, sadness, grief, anxiety – and that they all need to be honoured. I never really knew what to do with those feelings so I would just stuff them deep down where they would fester and damage me. Now, I can allow them into my life and still know that I’m a happiness seeker because… well… those other emotions are part of life too.

Today’s special visitors were sadness and grief. Those are ones that I’ve worked very hard at pushing away. The past few years have had so much loss in them. On top of losing my dad, I’ve had to give up the dream I wanted for my family. There’s a lot of good that is coming from that, but it still carries so much pain and sorrow that my kids won’t have the family I dreamed for them and neither will I. I’ve already grieved losing that person, but the sadness from giving up that dream still sneaks up on me. This type of yoga helps all of those emotions move out of my body. It’s tiring, but so healing.

I seem to keep coming back to discovering the gifts that God has given me and figuring out what I am supposed to do with them. Understanding that I need to listen very carefully to my heart and my intuition is going to guide me along the path of this part of my life. That is being told to me very clearly in everything I do lately.

It was a beautiful, sad, blissful, grieving, peaceful happiness moment as I worked at embracing my light this morning in my yoga class. We all have this light we need to shine into the world. I feel like I’m finally finding mine.

 

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Goldfish monsters 

We had a very unexpected laugh until your gut hurts happiness moment last night. 

I had finally got both kids in bed and was lying in my own bed reading Facebook. Yes, I know it goes against all my Ayurvedic advice, but sometimes that happens. Anyway, I came across this post:

  
and for some reason it struck me as so funny I couldn’t stop laughing. Both kids started yelling from their rooms asking what I was doing and wanting to know what was so funny. I couldn’t stop laughing long enough to answer. All I could get out was goldfish….bwaahaaaa….goldfish

They both came into my room and I let them read the meme. Pretty soon they were both laughing as hard as I was. 
Then Jacob says you know what my brain does when I go to bed? I’ll be lying there almost asleep, I’ll say “ok good night brain it’s time to shut down now” and my brain says “you know what you haven’t thought about for a long time? Monsters under your bed”. 
I asked him if he needed me to get my pillowcase and go monster hunting like I used to do when he was 2. We all laughed again and then laughed about monster goldfish smiling back from under the bed. 

We lay on my bed and laughed for almost a half hour. This is what this quest for happiness has brought us. Enough of the fear and pain is gone that now we can embrace the joy. It was an awesome late night happiness moment. 

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Ain’t nothing going to break my stride

I took the dog out for a very windy walk this evening. It’s beautiful, but those chinook winds mean business today! I have been using the winds lately to help me blow out old, stuck emotions. So I’m actually kind of glad for the opportunity to face the force and let that stuff flow out.

I’m realizing as I let go of past hurts that I have this entirely new life ahead of me. I will be able to live a life where I’m not afraid of the person I live with, where I’m not afraid of what they’re going to say or do. I now can surround myself with people who make me want to be a better person. People who bring love and light into my world and let me reflect my own love and light into theirs. It’s exciting. 

I’m finding it’s already happening. I have been reminded of the awesome tribe of people I already have in my life, and I’m attracting really wonderful new ones in as well.

It’s never too late to start realizing your dreams, and I have realized that now is the time for me to start living mine. It’s a pretty wonderful life I have stretched out ahead of me. 

I’m finding my stride, and discovering my confidence once again. Something that had been squished  under fear and anxiety for a long time. 

I can’t let the fact that I was emotionally attacked for years define who I am any longer. I mean, it has changed me and shaped me to some extent. But I’m not his victim. I am this whole, new person with a deeper understanding of compassion than I ever was before. 

The discovery process we went through was brutal in many ways, but what it did do was affirm for me that my intuitions were right. All those things that I was being told for years and years were wrong with me weren’t my flaws at all.  I have my flaws, but those weren’t them. And now I can let all that stuff blow out of me. It’s not going to keep me from living my dreams anymore. 

My happiness moment was walking the dog along the fields I know and love so well. Letting the winds blow out old junk and welcoming in wonderful, new possibilities. 

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Happiness done Ayurveda style

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this path I’m on and wondering where it is going. I know I should not get too comfortable on this journey, but I do feel like some big bumps in the road have shown up lately. These bumps have lead me to really sit back and take a deep look at who I am and where I want to go.

Some of you know about the anxiety I suffered with for years. Part of that was from the constant moving, part was because of deep rooted insecurities, part of it was brought on by the emotional battering I was enduring inside my marriage. Learning about Ayurveda gave me some tools to begin to deal with that anxiety (and all the other stuff as well).

It took me almost 2 years of diligent work to get to the point where I no longer felt like I was going to have a panic attack every time I left the house. I could have conversations with people and not worry that I was going to die of anxiety (literally). I was finally starting to feel like I was going to be myself again. The diligent work included things like – meditating daily, doing yoga, going for walks, reading inspiring books, studying Ayurveda, learning how to sleep, looking for happiness wherever I went. It sounds simple, but it was a big change from the fear based life I had been living.

Then life threw another curve ball my way. In a sudden move the kids and I ended up coming home a year ago because my dad had taken a turn for the worse. My now ex-husband (let’s call him Mr. X) had previously suggested the kids and I should be moving back to Alberta anyway.  So it was already a distant plan, this just accelerated things. We moved back home, were welcomed back into the arms of our family, and two and a half months later Dad died. It was an incredibly difficult and emotional time, but I am forever grateful that I was here to be with him and the rest of the family during his last months.

If you read this blog you know how challenging the next few months were as we learned how to make a life without Dad here. There was lots of joyful moments, but 2015 was a year that I shed a lot of tears. The amount of personal growth I went through was astounding.

Not even 8 months after Dad died, Mr. X closed out our bank accounts and cut me off from all our finances, without discussion or explanation.  I ended up filing for divorce. I felt like I hadn’t even caught my breath after Dad and here I was inside another life crisis.

Over the past few years I have had two major fears. One that I would lose a parent and the other that I would end up with no money. Within 8 months both of those happened to me. And what was the result? Although I still miss Dad desperately, I am still here, I am healthy, and I am so much stronger, kinder, and more loving than I was a year ago. It didn’t destroy me and everything I am learning in this process is making me a better version of myself.

A big part of my ability to find some kind of balance through this year of turmoil has been my Ayurvedic studies. Because of them I have learned how to train myself to sleep (this was a challenge the past few weeks and I had to put all my knowledge to the test to get through it). Sleep is one of the pillars of health, and I know for me that if I’m not properly rested I can’t accomplish anything well. I get more anxious, I am more emotional (but can’t process the emotions), and I am so much crabbier. Also, because of all the emotional turmoil of the past few years, I don’t have a lot of reserves to draw on, so it’s extra important that I stay well rested so that I can find balance.

Through my meditation practice I have learned how to deeply connect with God (or Source, or Spirit, or the Universe – whatever you want to call it). This has helped me calm my mind, it stops those panicked thoughts that run around in my brain saying how will you support yourself and the kids? What are you doing to do? How could he do this? What the frack am I going to do? It takes all those worries and fears and dissolves them. I am able to hand them over to God and then someone else looks after them for me.

I can feel inside my body now where things are balanced and where I need to keep on working at that balance. I have taught the kids how to meditate and how to do basic care to put themselves in balance.

It has changed absolutely everything about how I live my life. It has brought me happiness. Not just laughter, but the deep rooted kind of happiness that comes from living a truly authentic life.

Even with all the bumps of the last little while, I am still a happier, more balanced, more loving person than I have ever been. I have Ayurveda to thank for a lot of that. It has introduced me to a lifestyle that celebrates loving and caring for ourselves and those around us. It focuses on nature and our relationship with nature. It emphasizes the body’s amazing ability to heal itself and teaches us how to support ourselves as we reach to get back into balance.

That I am learning how to do this not only for myself, but that I will be able to guide other people on their healing journeys I consider a true blessing.

My happiness moment today was the realization that I have learned so much and that I am so much stronger and yet so much more gentle and kind. I understand what a huge gift I have been given in being able to heal my life, and I intend to pay it forward to those around me who are also seeking balance.

 

 

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Do what calms you 

Learning Ayurveda has truly changed everything about how I live my life. I look at all the emotional events that have happened in the past year and I know that a few years ago I would not have had the strength to deal with them. 

Now I’m dealing with all of these things head on. Not always in the most effective manner at first, but I’m absolutely walking through all the joys and sorrows of life. I’m a better, calmer, happier version of myself. 

I may not have any idea where this new path I’m on is taking me, but I feel deep in my soul that I have the strength to flourish and appreciate every step. 

A big part of what has helped guide me has been developing a meditation practice. I don’t follow the one I was instructed to (I did do it for a long time). Last May, a little before Dad died, I discovered the Moses Code Meditation and completely fell in love with it. When I meditate along with the music I feel myself being drawn into heaven, or drawn towards Source. It’s often very emotional for me as I feel Dad’s presence very strongly – so usually I spend a huge part of my meditation crying. But I love it, and it makes me want to meditate. 

What’s even better is that the kids also love it. They’re drawn to the music on the same instinctual level that I am, although their feelings and reasons are different. We do it nightly, and I never get any complaints that it’s something they don’t want to do. 

My happiness moment – sharing that time of connection to each other and to our Greater Power. Namaste.  

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Just relax 

Today I cashed in my birthday present – a massage, which was so desperately needed. 

There has been a lot of stress and upset in our house the last month or so. I’m so thankful we have had this happiness journey to guide us as we navigate this new course. It’s amazing how successful it is to change our mood by pointing our focus in a more positive direction. 

I went to this massage therapist a few times in the months after my Dad died, so she was already familiar with a bit of what has gone on in life life over the past year. 

I went in an overtired, stressed out, sad mess – but I left feeling so much calmer, confident, and secure. It’s amazing what a little bit of TLC will do for the body and soul. 

My happiness moment was when we shared a big hug before I left her place. It’s so healing to spend time with someone who is able to help put my being back into a more loving and kind place. 

As a secondary happiness moment, the kids and I cuddled up on the couch and watched The Goldbergs. This show has been a favourite of ours since it came on the air. 

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A mind – full meditation

My meditation practice is still a work in progress. Meditation is something that I have been drawn to and curious about since discovering that I love yoga. But it’s also something I’ve been hesitant to do and slow to love.

I flirted a bit with it over the years, but it wasn’t until I became a student of New World Ayurveda that it actually became a part of my daily routine. And, let’s be honest here, a lot of the time it only is part of that routine because it’s a graduation requirement. Sometimes I like it, a lot of the time I hate it, often I am bored by it, always I feel better because of it.

When I first started I was so filled with anxiety that I couldn’t do more than a few minutes before having a panic attack. My body and soul was in such distress that I couldn’t take that quiet time. It took a lot of time and a lot of determination to keep going and get through that.

Interestingly, now as a byproduct of all that hard work (and some other things learned through Ayurveda), I barely think about anxiety at all anymore. I’ve made such enormous changes in my life and I’m hardly ever anxious.

However, usually I still struggle through my meditation practice. I’ll be focusing on my mantra and then instead of slipping into the blissful state I feel I should be heading towards, my mind goes to….. hmmmm what should I have for lunch? Did I get the kids all the things they needed for school? Is the dog going through the garbage? She’s such a naughty dog. I should take her for a walk, I hear the cats moving around, is there a mouse in the house? I’m hungry. Is this almost over? Why am I not all blissful? And then some real life problems are always mixed in.

I meditate for 20 minutes at a time. When I’m getting ready to meditate, I wish that I could maybe only do 5 or 10 minutes… but the course says I have to do 20. Grumble grumble. But, it’s not until the last 5 or so minutes when my brain usually lets go of all its crap and I relax into a proper state.

Today’s meditation was a wild ride. Unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I’m focusing on letting go, allowing, trusting, loving, listening to my heart. It’s all very challenging for me as I have a hard time trusting and because of that a hard time allowing. Although I am also painfully aware that I never am able to actually accomplish anything positive by forcing and controlling. I know the only way to get where I want to be is by surrendering and allowing.

Today though everything just went into this beautiful space and I was able to let things go and find a lot of freedom and peace. It was a beautiful moment in time that created an incredible amount of healing and strength for me. That was my happiness moment today.

 

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In the heart where the memories are

When I was a kid, Pony Club wasn’t for the faint of heart. You can tell just by the “high quality” of the trailers in the background of my photo that we were all a little more rough and tumble back then. I think that’s part of why those years were some of the best of my life. They weren’t always fun (sometimes they were downright terrifying), but they absolutely shaped me into the person that I am now.

I tended to be more timid as a child (a trait I still am working on to this day) and when the other kids were excited to race their ponies over the biggest and scariest jumps I was always at the back of the pack hoping something would happen so I wouldn’t have to do it. And yet, always so happy when I did.

Part of the reason for being afraid was that I was younger than a lot of the other kids, part of it was just my nature. However, those big kids seemed to follow the rule “leave no man behind ” (or blubbering child as the case may be) and there was no way I was going to be able to bypass any of the jumps out on the cross country course.

I remember sitting on my pony Snowflake, crying my eyes out because I was so scared, and my cousin (in the photo with me) racing by on her horse yelling to stop being such a coward and to get in and join them. Then, the next girl tearing by, whose last name was Coward yelling that they’d better find a better name to call me since she was going over the jump. Not wanting to look like a total wimp, and not wanting to get left behind I sucked up all the courage I had and raced after them. And of course, ended up having the time of my life.

Being able to find courage when facing a terrifying situation is something that has helped me immensely in my adult life. Not turning away from something I wanted to do, or being afraid to join the fun was also an important life lesson I learned.

I remember watching her flying around the cross country course, smiling from ear to ear, hanging on for dear life aboard her horse Monkey (well named considering how they were together) and knowing that soon my turn was coming. Just about everything I know about having to dig deep and then soar I learned with this girl out in these fields.  

You just never know where your path is going to take you in life, or how chapters are going to be written in your book. This incredibly strong, funny, amazing, brave, fierce woman has had most of her memories stolen from her by one of those cruel twists of fate. It’s horrible at any age, but she is just too young and too full of life.

I went to visit her today, for the first time in about a year and a half. I was touched to the core of my being that she remembered who I was, and thrilled that there is still some of her old spunk shining through her eyes. That spunk that propelled me through much of my childhood.

These memories are precious. They are ones that I will carry in my heart for the rest of my life.

My aunt picked me up to go in to town and visit my cousin (well really she’s a second cousin, and my mom and her dad are first cousins – but it’s all the same to me) I was touched that she would bring me in.  I’m sure a lot of it was to make sure I wasn’t uncomfortable and that the visit went smoothly. We ended up having a wonderful visit. I also hadn’t seen her in a year and a half, and it had been many years gone by before that. We visited a little about old times, but mostly it was about things now – family, life in general, some about my cousin.  We did a lot of laughing. Full out, head back, laughing. That was my happiness moment for the day, new memories and old memories all being stored in the heart.

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Yoga Bliss

I wrote the other day about how doing yoga has made me a better person, albeit not a more flexible one. Since then I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what it was that really drew me to the practice of yoga in the first place. Mostly it was the way it calmed me and made my soul happy. When I would really get into it I wasn’t as bothered by the fact that that I don’t bend as well as I want to because my spirit would just feel so good.

I was really good and faithful about my practice before I fell into my dark night of the soul years. I’ve struggled as I’m finding myself again to really develop a solid routine that makes me feel good.

I realized that maybe I’m doing the wrong kind of yoga these days. Now, I’m doing my Healing Light Yoga Therapy, which is a completely different kind of practice. One that is so important to my emotional and spiritual well being. But, it’s not something I do on a daily basis. It’s something I need to do in addition to some kind of regular yoga practice.

I had to sit down quietly and think about what it is that I want from yoga. What I came up with was that I needed to go to Kripalu. Lovely, but not really possible at this moment in time. So, I had to think what is it about Kripalu that makes me feel so good?  (ummmm everything) and what can I do here to replicate that feeling.

Lightbulb went off.

On several of my visits to Kripalu I have been fortunate enough to have attended a class led by Rudy Peirce. The way he leads a class made me fall in love with yoga in the first place. Yoga based on compassion and love. Every time I have done one of his classes I feel so much better about everything.

He has some CDs that he sells and I had bought a couple of them on a visit to the Berkshires years ago. I loaded a class on my phone (they’re audio) and spent some time this morning reconnecting with my spiritual practice of yoga.

I felt so much better when I was done. This morning I had felt really anxious and ungrounded and when I was finished my yoga I felt more like myself again. There is something about his voice and the way he so calmly and patiently guides one through the poses that calms me down. I knew it was working because Ella the Yoga Cat showed up on my mat and purred her way though most of the class. She only does that when she’s really feeling the bliss.

My happiness moment was the wonderful feeling I had after my class this morning. I need to keep attracting all that love and bliss into my soul so that I have more of it to shine back out into the world.

As a bonus happiness moment, Jenna spent the entire ride into school this morning looking out the window of the car at the moon shining brightly with Venus underneath it . I love how being in this space is getting us more and more in tune with nature.

   

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Life off the leash 

Years ago I put myself on a leash. I tried so hard to be the person that I thought other people wanted me to be, I  stifled a lot of the things that made me me.  Interestingly enough, the people I was trying to impress with by being someone other than myself either didn’t notice or weren’t impressed. Of course now I know that trying to be someone other than who I really am is an exercise in futility, but it took me a little while to get there.

The unfortunate byproduct of all of this sadly though was that over time of not being true to my self, I lost touch with who I really am. Thus years of anxiety, unhappiness, and tears.

One of the great things about this happiness journey that I am on is that I have started finding myself again. Not all of the stuff I’m finding is fantastic, but it’s all really me. And I’m happy about that.

It’s a beautiful day in Southern Alberta today. Apparently we are in a heat wave – experiencing above average temperatures. It isn’t beach weather, but it’s about +5C which for this time of year is pretty warm. I took the boy and the dog out on the ridge for a walk (I made it both times past where we scattered Dad’s ashes without breaking down in tears…. progress!). I listened to Jacob go on and on about the new Star Wars movie and I watched the dog run and jump in the snow.

Dottie looks like I feel. Poor Dottie had to live life on a leash for 8 years until we moved here where she has the freedom to run. She is an entirely different dog with all the freedom she has. As I’m letting go of the idea that I need to be anyone besides who I am (my leash), I’m feeling more and more like she looks.

Happy.

Freedom

My happiness moment today was walking with my kid and my dog along a ridge where my footprints have been hundreds of times before. I used to ride here, walk with Dad here, toboggan on the hill below here, and I know we have lots of new memories to make along the ridge. Off the leash.

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