We did a forced family fun trip to Waterton today. It’s one of our favourite places to be, all of our souls seem to settle as soon as we get surrounded by the mountains.
We have our usual routine – have lunch near the lake, skip rocks, eat ice cream, go bear hunting (no bears this time. I think they’re all at our place). This time we added in kayaking for fun. The kids are naturals, me not as much. But it was so fun and I didn’t capsize so I consider that a win – and a happiness moment.
Today’s happiness moment is pretty short and sweet. We did a family walk this morning – my sister and her kids, mom, me and my kids. It was heart happy to have our family together and enjoying each other’s company.
I realized part way though the walk that it was starting to feel a bit more normal that Dad wasn’t with us while we did these things and that made me a little sad. That letting go business is so difficult. But I know he would be so happy to see his family out enjoying the day together.
Today was a happiness day all around. Some days just feel like they start off with more happiness energy in them and this was one of them.
Most importantly, the boy is back after a week away at his aunt’s house. He had a fabulous time and I’m happy for him, but I am glad our family is back together again. I consider the close relationship we have one of my greatest blessings.
We celebrated with an afternoon at the creek which is always one of my happiness moments. Watching all the kids play and laugh while I visited with my friend was so relaxing. We have sorted through some heavy shit this week and it was nice to just chill for a while. Her strength and courage continues to amaze me.
We finished the evening with a long walk – to work off the dessert we accidentally dove into. It took us well over two hours because my friend and I had to take off on the kid bikes for a race, we had to make the truckers honk their horns, and the kids had to go find the barn kittens at my uncle’s house. Simple, silly happiness.
What I’ve realized over this past week is I have in fact managed to create the safe, happy place that I was so desperately seeking when we moved back here. Not only that, but it’s now a strong enough space to share with others and hold them in as well. That makes me more grateful than I can describe.
Today we gathered together as a family and as a community and said farewell to my Uncle Harvey. He was my mom’s cousin, but in this large, close knit, extended family he was still uncle to me.
I spent hours, days, seasons, riding in the fields on his ranch as a smaller child. It was one of the places where I learned the life lessons of courage and strength that have sustained me so well these past few years as I have been rebuilding a more peaceful and happier soul. My courage and strength were both tested every single time I got on a horse at their place and was pushed to the limit of my fears. I will be forever grateful for the lessons I learned from them.
His sons were talking today at his funeral about uncle Harvey’s own courage and strength and how he taught those around him to be the same by example rather than words. Anyone can say the words to describe the person they want to be, it takes a brave soul to actually live by those words.
Almost 50 years ago there was a prairie fire in the community and everyone had rushed out to help put it out. Uncle Harvey had been away so when he returned home he knew people were working hard to stop the fire. Instead of joining them, he ran to the barn and saddled up his horse. He grabbed his wire cutters and headed flat out into the fury of the fire. He opened gates and cut wires in fences to let the livestock escape the oncoming fire.
They spoke of the kind of man who was both brave and kind enough to run full on into a fire to save the animals. That takes a special kind of individual and one that I am so grateful played such a big role in teaching me about courage and bravery.
My happiness moment ironically came in the middle of the funeral. I was thinking of the gifts that he gave me as a child and how they are gifts I have opened over and over again in my life. There have been so many different people who God has put in my path who have handed me the gifts I needed to carry myself into the next place I wanted to get to. All the emotional craziness of this week has also been a gift. Somehow in the middle of all of it I have settled into a place of spiritual peace that has been missing for quite sometime – and even though I have no idea how it happened, I’m so grateful for that.
Uncle Harvey’s work clothes. 
Last night was crazy with storms brewing both inside and outside the house. It was the second night in a row that the storms have kept me up and it’s left me rather a disaster. Some of you know of the inside storm and to that let me say – if you know me and you have my number please be wise enough to know not to text me in the middle of the night unless you are dying. Seriously.
Anyway. Onto today.
We were at my cousin’s house for supper when gigantic balls of ice started falling from the sky. Hail the size of ping pong balls.
We decided my mom’s car needed to be saved from the hail and I ran outside to move it. So, while I’m on one side of the house being attacked by giant ice balls, the family is looking out the window the other way at this: (the white things are hail)
When I came back inside bruised and battered and learned of this I said it’s like God is over there showing the whole world His promise and how much He loves them. Meanwhile He is beating the hell out of me behind the house. Kind of like how my last year has gone. We all found that hysterical and laughed and laughed. Then my cousin said there’s a bible quote for me to go with that and said:
And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. Romans 5:4
So we talked about that for a while. How hope and faith are so defining. I love our family discussions. They always include religion, politics, beef, what’s for dessert, and at least one weird random thing. I am grateful for this awesome tribe that brings me happiness moments on a regular basis.
We finally got started on the task of cleaning out Dad’s closet today. It was difficult and emotional, but a chance to sort through some memories and feelings about loss and letting things go. In the past I have not let go either gracefully or peacefully, it’s kind of a work in progress for me that lesson.
I think Dad would have rolled his eyes at the fact that it took us so long to be strong enough to face the task of donating some of his things. He would have told us to pack it up and get it out to someone who could use it right away. But, I think he also would be so touched that he is so deeply loved that there is this group of people who miss him so much. It makes me think about who I want to surround myself with and walk with me on the rest of my journey. It has become so important to me to make sure those are the right people – the ones who know how to laugh, love, find peace, follow God, know how to give and take, and lift each other up.
I came to a realization as I was sorting through my Dad’s things and mentally sorting through emotions left over by last week’s stellar visit from Mr. X. I have wanted so badly to make things better for the kids, to heal them, to make up for all that they are lacking but I can’t do that. No matter how badly I want to, I can’t make up for the things they don’t have – and we are never going to heal that way. I need to let that shit go. We are an awesome little family, and the fact that some painful stuff has happened does not change that. I need to focus way more on the fact that we are this loving, strong, intact family and much less on any force that has tried to weaken us.
This morning I was lying in bed with Jenna who was trying to tickle me and generally get a rise out of me. Jacob came flying into the room and said oh good, it’s my favourite game. I said what’s that? He answered the bug mom game and leapt on the bed with a pillow to smack me with. Those kids, my family, my life – what a happiness moment.
I woke up in an Edith Piaf kind of mood. It takes a special kind of mood for me to crave sitting and listening to her songs over and over. Something inside me must have known that today was going to be an emotionally sideways day.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Edith Piaf, and often listen to her when I’m happy too, but there is this certain kind of funky mood that almost seems to require her voice.
I had to go downtown and meet my lawyer today which is alway a special kind of fun. It’s expensive, but I remain grateful for how well she does what she does. As I was getting ready to go, my sister texted me asking if today was a good day to go through Dad’s closet. No, it is not. There is never a good day, but it is time. The past couple of days seem to have been ones where I’ve missed him more. Like I’ve been able to convince myself that it all is a bad dream and he’s not really gone. We will face it tomorrow.
On the train downtown I read on Facebook that one of my favourite uncles (my mom’s cousin really) died a few days ago. That seemed to have been my tipping point and I bawled the whole way to my lawyer. Thank goodness for 2015 when I spent most of the year crying in public. It gave me practice.
When I was a kid, uncle Harvey and auntie Margaret held pony club at their place and it was there that I learned to walk (or ride) headfirst into my fears. I remember being so terrified of their cross country course, and yet year after year tackling it on whatever miserable pony I was riding (I loved them all).
When I was 9 I was riding Snowflake, the rearing pony. I was down at the start line of cross country and uncle Harvey was doing the countdown. He said one minute, and Snowflake reared up. I slid off her back and somehow landed on my feet. I walked around the side, he gave me a leg up, and said 10,9,8,7…. and counted me off on my way without saying another word.
There were a few things about that incident that I took away. 1 that he broke the rules by helping me back on my horse. I was grateful for that because I was so scared I wouldn’t have been able to get back on. 2 that help comes sometimes in unexpected and quiet ways and I just need to accept it and move on without making a big deal. 3 no matter how scared I am, if I want something I need to keep going. I won everything I rode in that day.
When I decided a few years ago to start reaching for a better, happier life I drew on many of the lessons uncle Harvey taught me out in those fields. I am forever grateful for all of that time and all of those experiences.
This evening I drove my cousin in law home and we listened to the Frantics the whole way. We are always acting out the skits, but neither of us had listened to them for a while. I forgot how hard they make me laugh, and so much better with someone who also knows all the words. Gut busting laughter was exactly what was needed. Happiness moment.
We went to the wedding of my cousin’s son today. They had intended on having the wedding outside at their farm, but since we have had nothing but rain for the past few days they had to move it inside. They did a pretty amazing job of moving a huge production into the local community hall.
What impressed me about this couple was how easy to tell how much they love each other. I could see it in the way they looked at each other and in the way they spoke of each other. The extension of their love flowed to her child and to their extended families. It was so heart warming to see two families so genuinely embrace a union of their loved ones.
I got to see some cousins I rarely see, sat for supper with my aunt, uncle, which was really enjoyable – and we watched as these two families celebrated together. It was a real honour to be included in an event that was so filled with love. A blessed happiness moment.
Tonight we attended a party at the hall for the TV show Context with Lorna Duek – which is a a news program done from a Christian perspective. It surprised me how powerful I found the evening and I’m going to blog about it later – when it’s not 10pm and I know I have to get up for a busy day at the Stampede tomorrow.
My cousins and I were there to help out with what we could – but we also got to listen and learn a bit about their mission which I found fascinating. We were in the back room of the hall while everyone was getting seated for supper – I wish I could say we were working but really we were eating copious amounts of garlic cheese dip and laughing – and we realized that we were going to have to split up to eat.
My brilliant cousin said I think we need a kids’ table. Let’s set up a kids’ table for us to sit at. This remains our delight at family functions when us kids – all now in our 40s and 50s – can sit at the kids’ table and laugh and be silly just like we have done since we really were kids. It was kind of a shocker when the actual children thought they also should sit at the kids’ table but we adjusted….
My happiness moment – knowing that we will never be too old to need to be at our own kids’ table.
Today was the annual stampede breakfast at our community hall. We were really lucky and had beautiful weather for it. The yard was full of family and neighbours (and as we discovered a lot of them we didn’t know – the difficulty of having missed so many years, or of being super introverted) visiting and laughing.
Some of the family/community I only seem to catch up with at this breakfast so it’s always an event I look forward to. Although, I have noticed that now that we are home we are able to do a lot more visiting at other times.
I notice every time that we attend one of these functions that the kids are more and more comfortable and confident as part of the tribe which delights me to my core. Knowing there are strong, stable roots helps give you the strength to fly.
The hall
The girls getting ready to head up to the breakfast. 
On top of the happiness of visiting with my people, the kids and I headed west for an evening in Banff. Sometimes you just need that mountain hug (and fondue and candy) being in the mountains always brings me happiness.
I’ve realized I need to spend more time in conscious gratitude for the awesome gifts I’ve been given. I feel like I’ve been running , putting out fires, and not accomplishing enough. Sometimes the best way for me to accomplish more is by slowing down and doing less.
