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happiness

Spring cleaning 

I have decided with the change of season that it is once again time to get rid of those things that no longer serve me. 

Even though I have made a lot of changes over the past few years, and have already done a lot of clearing, there’s still a lot of crap I’m holding onto that isn’t serving me well. So, it’s time for all of that to go. 

There’s a lot of thoughts I need to change. In so many ways my life is more hopeful, positive, and happy – and I want my thoughts to reflect that part of my life. That black poison has consumed more than its fair share of my thinking and I’m done with that. 

So all that fear and hate that he’s sent my way I’m sending back. All the fear and hate I’ve created within myself (and I’ve done a good job of that), I’m releasing into the universe. I don’t need it. I want to think about the swans, the laughter of the kids, smiles from friends, and all the other glorious things the world has to offer. 

There’s a lot of material junk I’ve got sitting in my house that is no longer of any use to me as well. Some of it isn’t even mine. I don’t need to be holding  onto things that I’m not using, or that don’t bring me joy and have sentimental value. They’re all getting stacked up to go. 

I went through my Facebook and contacts and got rid of people I have lost touch with or aren’t friends with anymore. The clutter of old acquaintances who I will likely never talk to again was really filling up space. I want my world full of people who bring brightness into my life. 

My happiness moment was stretching this morning in my yoga class. It was during this class that I realized that I have so much I need to let go of. It feels good to surrender some of that. 

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Skate time 

We are more settled into being home all the time. The kids tell me how they finally really feel like they have roots here and belong. It’s been years of living in limbo, never knowing where we were going to be long term, so it’s extra comforting to know we are home. 

Today Jenna skated. She loves this sport so I love going and supporting her. That’s what you do for the people you love, you support them. And I’m happy to do it. It brings me incredible joy to watch her gain confidence as she learns a new skill. 

My happiness moment today was sitting at the rink watching her smile as she skated around the rink. 

  

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Attracting it in 

I’ve realized lately that I’ve spent much time and focus over the last few years attracting safety, home, freedom and love into my life. Now that I have all of that (yay for the law of attraction), I realized I forgot to also attract money. 

Perhaps because I always had enough to be comfortable I wasn’t  actively working at attracting cold hard cash. And even now, thanks to my family  helping me through this rough patch we still have enough to be safe while we wait for Mr. X to be convinced to make support payments. 

I’ve been much more focused on attracting not just money but abundance into my life again. As a little nugget of proof that the law of attraction works, I found 20$ lying on the ground in town today. There’s a lot that I can do with that money. Like make sure that this isn’t the year Jenna has to find out that  the Easter bunny couldn’t make a stop for her. There’s huge gratitude for that. 

  
I don’t just want monetary wealth – that alone leaves one with only a very shallow and surface happiness. I want abundance and wealth on the inside as well. 

I was asked over the weekend what is it I like to do for fun? I felt myself stutter over the answer. As I was figuring out what to say, I realized that the reason I was having difficulty  was because I’m pretty close to living a life I don’t need a vacation from. 

What that means is that almost every aspect of my life involves me doing something that I like to do for fun. I thrive on parenting the kids, I love driving them to and from school, I am so grateful that I get to see my mom every day, I am grounded in this home in a way I haven’t been in years, I have awesome friends,  walking the dog brings me peace, I adore learning Ayurveda. What I like to do for fun is live my life. I get to do that every day. 

My happiness moment was driving home this afternoon laughing until it hurt as the kids cracked jokes. A darkness has lifted from our family and I’m enjoying the light shining back in. 

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The quiet times

Today was a beautiful day to welcome in spring. I couldn’t help but think of where I was a year ago today – both physically and emotionally – lots of big changes have happened this year. We were packed and ready to leave our lives in Roanoke, our flight home was a year ago tomorrow. Dad was in the hospital so sick, I was extremely grateful that we were getting home to spend some time with him. I had no idea how intensely emotional the upcoming year was going to be and all that it would bring for me.

It’s had a death,  devastating discoveries about betrayals in a marriage, a divorce, poverty, wealth that has come from within my soul, freedom from an emotionally abusive relationship, security of home, and the discovery that I am so much stronger and so much more together than I ever imagined.  Although it’s been difficult at times, I am grateful for the opportunity to have discovered these gifts that I can now carry with me through the rest of my life. It has made me a better friend, parent, and future partner.

While the kids had one of those golden moment afternoons where they played happily together for hours, I grabbed the dog and took her for a long walk along the ridge. I find such peace there, by the mountains, near Dad, along the trails where I used to ride my horses. It helps me to ground myself and remember what is really important to me. When I look at the things I really want in life, I have them all. Wonderful children – and close, open relationships with them, an awesome family surrounding me, weird and fantastic friends, and this crazy, happy dog (oh and the cats, don’t forget about the cats – I am one cat away from officially being the crazy cat lady). I know that as long as I keep doing the things that I love that everything is going to turn out just fine.

  

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Happiness all around 

Coming home with joy in my soul after spending the evening last night with some of my favorite people, we all started the day off with a lot more peace.

This morning Jenna headed off to a much anticipated sleepover at a friend’s house. She’s got a good bunch of girlfriends at this school and it thrills me to see them starting to do things outside of school together.

I headed to town and made an attempt at having a personal life and went out on a date. A lovely afternoon spent with someone kind, smart, funny, and cute (with a. charming accent to boot).

Now Jacob and I are sitting at the movies waiting to see a show together. Thank goodness for those Scene points – we have enjoyed a lot of free shows because of my card.

How lovely to have a day filled with more happy moments than sad. Naturally there are always things that come up, and Jacob was upset this morning, but he’s developed a strong sense of himself. I love the young man he’s turned into and am so grateful to have him in my life.

What you put out comes back to you and I’m glad to see the good stuff coming our way.

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Buns and Yorkshire Pudding 

Today was my uncle’s birthday. He’s one of my favourite people in the world, and has always been a second dad to me. 

They had a big birthday supper for him followed by a showing of Forsaken which was filmed out at the movie site. Very cool. 

My happiness moment was standing in the kitchen with my cousins laughing and eating. We had plates piled high with fresh buns and Yorkshire pudding filled with gravy. We’d gobble it all down, complain about how fat we were getting, laugh, head back for seconds, then laugh some more. 

  
To be with these people who I am so close to, who have known me forever, and whose company I enjoy so much is a great joy in my life.  

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Love flowers 

After another restless night, I actually fell into a deep sleep near the wee hours. I was puttering around, drinking my tea this morning when my cousin called and asked how the kids were doing.

Apparently, I’m fine when people ask how I am doing because aside from some fear and mental grief I am fine. But, when they ask how the kids are, I completely fall apart. I burst into tears over the phone and couldn’t stop. That was probably a good thing as it’s the first time I’ve actually cried about all that’s going on. I feel like I spent so much time crying over Dad dying last year that I didn’t want to spend more tears on Mr. X, who does not deserve them, but there they were.

And, actually the tears are not about Mr. X at all, the tears are about the huge amount of loss I feel for my children. The difference between how I look back on my father and how they will look back on theirs couldn’t be further apart. I’m trying so hard to keep them out of all this trauma, and yet they know more than they should just by virtue of him refusing to provide enough support for his family to have a chance to start over. The kids are unfortunately now aware that there is a present struggle even to have the most basic of needs met, and they know the reason why. I wish they didn’t.

My cousin heard me crying over the phone as she was driving into town to go to work. She said “hang on, I’m not that far away, I’m turning around and I’ve got something for you”. She showed up at my house with this:

I can’t remember exactly what she said, but it involved the flowers being beautiful and alive and smelling good, and that I was all of that too (the way she said it was so touching and I can’t remember it).

Edited note. She texted me again what she said to me at home: And for the record: you are beautiful, colourful, vibrant and add a sweetness to the room you are in. Everyone should have someone like this in their lives 

These loving flowers are sitting beside me today as I get some work done. I am so humbled by the outpouring of love and support I have received from my people. I had a message last night from a dear friend since high school. This woman was a single parent to her daughter from day one and has done such an amazing job of raising a beautiful young woman. She’s the person I go to when I set the standard for how I want to lead my family into our future.

I have realized that all of this that is going on is not my hell. I didn’t create this. This is a reflection of his reality not mine.

My reality is living here in this house that I adore with the people I love, safely back with my family, in the place I love most in the world. I’m doing exactly what makes my soul sing in looking after my family. I am so incredibly thankful that this is my life.

*I’ve got another happiness moment coming up tonight… a pre-planned one.*

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Who’s who? My dad

I spent a lot of time today with the memory of my dad. I feel like the past few weeks have been so filled fending off the poisoned barbs of hatred that I kind of lost focus on letting in the things that are really important to me.

My dad was one of the things that was really important to me. He wasn’t perfect, but he was such an influential person in my life. He was exceptionally unreasonable during my teenage years (I have no idea why…) and we could really get into it sometimes, but through it all I knew that he loved me unconditionally and always had my back.

Actually, my parents were/are such great examples of what unconditional love is. Even when I’ve been at my most lost and scattered, they have always provided me with a safe place to land. That security of having people who are there for me no matter what is so important, it gives me the freedom to take chances and explore who I am and what my purpose is.

After Dad died I had a lot of friends and family come up to me and express their gratitude for things that Dad had done for them. He had often stepped in and given support, and frequently free legal advice as well, to the people in our lives. He not only provided me with that sense of security and trust, but he gave it freely to so many others as well. He lived with a sense of abundance, not holding onto his knowledge or love, but spreading it around because there was enough for everyone.

He showed me what to expect from a man. Someone who not only worked hard and was successful at his career (and he was very successful), but who lived with integrity, spent time with his family, laughed, loved, and jumped full on into life. I think I took it for granted that because this was my experience all dads are like this. I will never take that for granted again. They’re not.

He not only took great interest in the things that we were doing – I can think of him sitting for hours listening as I babbled on about whatever was my current obsession, probably wanting to stab his eyeballs out, but smiling and encouraging – but he shone that same love and support on his grandchildren. My kids still talk daily about things they did with grandpa and how much they miss his presence. The way he lived his life has made a huge impression on Jacob, and he talks often about becoming the kind of man grandpa was. Jacob is already a good, honest young man. I have no doubt he will make his grandpa proud.

I realize the older I get how exceptional my dad was. I’m realizing in fact how exceptional my entire family is. I don’t know how it happened, but I won the awesome family lottery in that I have this ready made tribe of people who are so strong, loving and kind.

My mom sent me an email this afternoon letting me know that my dad was listed in this year’s Canadian Who’s Who. It’s so wonderful to read about his accomplishments, but to me his real achievement was the kind of person he was. The way he lived his life is something I can hold onto and aspire to. I will always have his tendency to have temper meltdowns (blow it out and move on), but that’s part of being human. To live with an open heart so that people can trust and depend on you as my dad did – that’s a real life achievement.

 

 I miss you Dad xox

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At the long table

The kids and I spent may years where it was just the three of us sitting at our little round table. Those lonely years spent away have made us all the more appreciative of our family and the shared times that we have now that we are back among our tribe.

Today we spent time with my relatives from the “east side” of town. My cousin’s granddaughter was in a skating competition and it was my aunt’s birthday, and the kids and I joined them in the celebration. I had forgotten how much I enjoy watching figure skating, it’s so beautiful and graceful. We went for lunch to celebrate my aunt’s birthday and there were enough of us (15) that we were seated at a huge, long table at the back of the room. I have so missed family meals that involve sitting at a long table full of laughter and conversation. I feel like in the last year we have been well absorbed back into that lifestyle. We got to do it again tonight at my mom’s place with my sister and family (only 8 of us this time though).

My happiness moment today was catching up with my cousins and aunt and uncle. One of the great things about family is that they always know who you are even during the times when you are apart. It has been such a blessing to reconnect with this tribe.

A bonus happiness moment came yesterday when Gretchen Rubin made a comment on my blog post about happiness done Ayurveda style which I had put on her Facebook page. That post really brought back into focus for me how important it is to keep on doing what I am doing. I can feel all the good vibes coming back to me.

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Happiness done Ayurveda style

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about this path I’m on and wondering where it is going. I know I should not get too comfortable on this journey, but I do feel like some big bumps in the road have shown up lately. These bumps have lead me to really sit back and take a deep look at who I am and where I want to go.

Some of you know about the anxiety I suffered with for years. Part of that was from the constant moving, part was because of deep rooted insecurities, part of it was brought on by the emotional battering I was enduring inside my marriage. Learning about Ayurveda gave me some tools to begin to deal with that anxiety (and all the other stuff as well).

It took me almost 2 years of diligent work to get to the point where I no longer felt like I was going to have a panic attack every time I left the house. I could have conversations with people and not worry that I was going to die of anxiety (literally). I was finally starting to feel like I was going to be myself again. The diligent work included things like – meditating daily, doing yoga, going for walks, reading inspiring books, studying Ayurveda, learning how to sleep, looking for happiness wherever I went. It sounds simple, but it was a big change from the fear based life I had been living.

Then life threw another curve ball my way. In a sudden move the kids and I ended up coming home a year ago because my dad had taken a turn for the worse. My now ex-husband (let’s call him Mr. X) had previously suggested the kids and I should be moving back to Alberta anyway.  So it was already a distant plan, this just accelerated things. We moved back home, were welcomed back into the arms of our family, and two and a half months later Dad died. It was an incredibly difficult and emotional time, but I am forever grateful that I was here to be with him and the rest of the family during his last months.

If you read this blog you know how challenging the next few months were as we learned how to make a life without Dad here. There was lots of joyful moments, but 2015 was a year that I shed a lot of tears. The amount of personal growth I went through was astounding.

Not even 8 months after Dad died, Mr. X closed out our bank accounts and cut me off from all our finances, without discussion or explanation.  I ended up filing for divorce. I felt like I hadn’t even caught my breath after Dad and here I was inside another life crisis.

Over the past few years I have had two major fears. One that I would lose a parent and the other that I would end up with no money. Within 8 months both of those happened to me. And what was the result? Although I still miss Dad desperately, I am still here, I am healthy, and I am so much stronger, kinder, and more loving than I was a year ago. It didn’t destroy me and everything I am learning in this process is making me a better version of myself.

A big part of my ability to find some kind of balance through this year of turmoil has been my Ayurvedic studies. Because of them I have learned how to train myself to sleep (this was a challenge the past few weeks and I had to put all my knowledge to the test to get through it). Sleep is one of the pillars of health, and I know for me that if I’m not properly rested I can’t accomplish anything well. I get more anxious, I am more emotional (but can’t process the emotions), and I am so much crabbier. Also, because of all the emotional turmoil of the past few years, I don’t have a lot of reserves to draw on, so it’s extra important that I stay well rested so that I can find balance.

Through my meditation practice I have learned how to deeply connect with God (or Source, or Spirit, or the Universe – whatever you want to call it). This has helped me calm my mind, it stops those panicked thoughts that run around in my brain saying how will you support yourself and the kids? What are you doing to do? How could he do this? What the frack am I going to do? It takes all those worries and fears and dissolves them. I am able to hand them over to God and then someone else looks after them for me.

I can feel inside my body now where things are balanced and where I need to keep on working at that balance. I have taught the kids how to meditate and how to do basic care to put themselves in balance.

It has changed absolutely everything about how I live my life. It has brought me happiness. Not just laughter, but the deep rooted kind of happiness that comes from living a truly authentic life.

Even with all the bumps of the last little while, I am still a happier, more balanced, more loving person than I have ever been. I have Ayurveda to thank for a lot of that. It has introduced me to a lifestyle that celebrates loving and caring for ourselves and those around us. It focuses on nature and our relationship with nature. It emphasizes the body’s amazing ability to heal itself and teaches us how to support ourselves as we reach to get back into balance.

That I am learning how to do this not only for myself, but that I will be able to guide other people on their healing journeys I consider a true blessing.

My happiness moment today was the realization that I have learned so much and that I am so much stronger and yet so much more gentle and kind. I understand what a huge gift I have been given in being able to heal my life, and I intend to pay it forward to those around me who are also seeking balance.

 

 

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