Tag Archives: faith

happiness

A quiet spot

For the first time in ages we didn’t have anything to do this evening and enjoyed a quiet family night at home. It was kind of nice for the three of us to relax and just visit with each other. The kids have expressed (to my dismay) how stressed they are feeling because of the nonpayments from Mr. X. We talked about it a bit tonight and I assured them (as my mom has assured me when I have had my own meltdowns) that we are safe, we are loved, we are cared for – whatever he chooses to do or not do is on him, but our lives will go on. I think they feel a bit more secure, I know I feel a lot better knowing there are people here who love and care for us.

Happiness is found in all kinds of moments. I have to choose how I am going to handle this present situation – I am making it my mission that we will come through this stronger, more loving, and happier than before.

I don’t know what I would do without my family – my kids, my mom, my sister, and my extended family. I can’t imagine how we would have ever done this if things had fallen apart while we were away and I’m so grateful that God brought us back to our tribe. In a dark storm, that is a bright rainbow of happiness with a pot of gold at the end.

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The mom bus

It was another chilly night at ball, but I am discovering that I am building a mom tribe there which makes me happy. There are three of us who are single moms and have very similar stories and we laughed and shared tales as we discovered the things we have in common – things we never thought any of us would know about. I love that they are women who are learning who they are again, building new lives, finding the humour in dark situations, and are incredibly strong – these are women I want to be around.

The kids both are now thriving at ball. The girl is hitting her stride at bat and on the field, and the boy learned last week how to umpire and was the ump at the game tonight. She’s gaining confidence as a player, and he’s finding his voice and footing as the umpire. They’re such great kids and I’m so grateful that I get to walk every step with them. That is happiness, real and true.

I had a moment of personal happiness this afternoon as I took Drishti out for a quick ride before the chaos of the rest of the day took over. I have discovered I’m no longer scared, I’m finding my confidence too.

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Ball isn’t for princesses and unicorns 

The girl had a ball practice this afternoon. After a pretty cold and wet day the sun came out just in time and it was perfect weather. 

The boy came and helped out which was a blessing for a couple of reasons – the other moms were so impressed that he was there helping out, a couple of them commented that they had noticed what a good kid he is; and also that my boy got to spend some really qulaity time with some men doing “guy stuff”. Those dads just included him like one of the guys and I could see him standing a little taller because of it. 
On one of the pitches the coach yelled at a girl come on, swing harder – ball isn’t for princesses and unicorns. 

One of the moms and I started laughing and she said any princess who can tame a unicorn is badass enough to play ball. 

The whole afternoon was happiness. The kids are happy, we are safe, I love to see them thrive. 

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Time to weed out

My nephew came over and tilled my vegetable garden, which makes me one step closer to having things growing again. I love my gardens – both the vegetable and flower – they bring me a lot of happiness and peace.

My only problem is I always want my garden to look like this:

Somehow it never does – but still it makes me happy.

I had a friend talk me off the ledge today and remind me of where I want to put my energy. I was having an episode about the fact that Mr. X has missed 2 months of support payments, knowing that this would have a huge impact on the lives of all three of us. I know the intention is to destroy me, but I think he forgets along the way that it causes damage to the kids as well. I was texting her and saying  that I was angry, frustrated, and disappointed and she said:

Making you judge him and be mad is your remaining relationship with him.
Break up with it
It’s not a good relationship for you
She is right – it is not a good relationship for me. I have extended too much energy towards him in anger because he’s let me down over and over, for years and years. It’s the last bit of energy I give to him, but it’s energy that I could be using for more positive things. He is not going to change, he has shown me time and time again who he really is – it is time I believe it. I have to have faith that the enforcement in place and the court orders will eventually force him to make the required payments. And until then we live as we are – on miracles, and faith.
Having the friends I do – women who have gone through or are going through the same situation and doing it with such dignity and grace – that is happiness.
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Mom bonding moment

Monday evening at ball I stood with a really nice lady and we chatted the entire game. We had a few thing in common – we had both moved away and then came back, both came from small communities, and our personalities just seemed to click. Tonight at the field we sat together again and discovered that our family issue is very similar as well. We laughed because there is like an unknown force that seems to draw women like us together.

She’s a strong, kick ass woman and I’m glad that I’m becoming friends with her – this is one of the huge benefits of time spent at the kids’ sports.

Building a tribe is huge happiness, it’s what keeps us going.

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Shadows of the past 

We are now in our second month with no support from Mr. X.

I know I should be completely freaking out – we depend on that support and the knows it – but somehow this feeling of incredible calm has come over me – I don’t know how to explain it except to say that it’s God stuff.

The last few weeks I have been really focusing on strengthening my connection and my faith and I can feel the difference in my being. I saw one of my healers today and was describing our situation and how I was feeling. He said I seemed calmer and more grounded, and I do feel that way even though I feel like I should feel chaos. I have finally understood that I have been looking to a man for support who has shown time and time again he has no interest in being there in any capacity. I should have instead been looking to God who is always there for me. I’m not sure what this means for my path, but I’m exploring it.

I said that it was weird – that I now feel like my life is pretty regular and back to normal and suddenly WHAM something will happen to pull me back to the trauma. He said it was shadows of the past showing up.

In my session today I suddenly heard you have to make space, you have to make space, and he did something to my head and BAM space was made in my body. I could feel my third chakra light up and ama (toxins) was pulled from it down through my second chakra and out of my body. I’ve never felt anything like it before – but that feeling of clearing and space was immediate.


I have to make space, I have to clear out all the bad junk – the ama – so I can make space for new things to come into my life. So I can erase the shadows of the past.

So much healing is happening and my spiritual connection with God has increased so much. I often wish the journey was easier – but the person that I am turning into because of this? That is happiness.

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A doughnut or a stick 

Today I decided to try and teach Drishti how to not be a stick. He has no bend at all and riding him sometimes feels like I’m riding a stick horse. 

I found a great spot with no gopher holes and we started doing circles so I could teach him to bend. He was not a fan. I said “Drishti it’s just that I don’t want you to be like riding a stick”. So he stuck his head between his legs as he trotted along as if to say “ok now I’m a doughnut”. It was an implied reminder that he also could do a handstand as an option. He didn’t, thank goodness. 

Being out in the field with Drishti lets me sort through that and hand it to God. He is my SUV – spiritual utility vessel. What I   get with him is so much more than happiness. 

 

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Easy like Sunday morning 

This morning was the ride I’ve waited years for. For the first time I didn’t feel scared at all about getting on and heading out. I relaxed almost immediately on his back, and the constant chatter I had with my horse in my youth came back today. It’s this mindless chatter that is part of what connects me to God through my horse – it’s a way of opening the connection while staying perfectly in the moment. My Dotted Dog ran around while we walked through the field looking at the beautiful spring morning. Honestly, moments don’t get much better than ones like this. Happiness to the core of my soul.

There is my Dotted Dog off to the left having the time of her life. ​

Look at this face – he is proof that miracles can happen in my life. He is perfect. 

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The girl had two ball games this afternoon and although it was cold, windy, and a little rainy, the girls played some great ball. Near the end of the game it was her turn to pitch – for the first time. What I love about this team is the way everyone is so supportive. The coach is so gentle and kind with the girls, and the parents all cheer on everyone’s kids. What a blessing that she is part of this team.

 

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Dad’s ice cream

I have had some significant challenges presented to me courtesy of Mr. X in the last week or so, and have had to spend some time figuring out how to deal with them. It’s essentially been the culmination of my greatest fears, and now I have to decide how I am going to proceed.

I want to scream, hide in fear, cry, and yell about the injustices. But, I have realized a few things: he does not care, he becomes happier knowing he causes me pain, my pain does nothing to aid my healing, and one last thing that I read about today:

There are but two directions you can take, while time remains and choice is meaningful. For never will another road be made except the way to Heaven. You but choose whether to go toward Heaven, or away to nowhere. There is nowhere else to choose. (A course in miracles)

I continue to work hard on the forgiveness, faith, and healing stuff. And I have massive challenges thrown in my path that force me to chose which road I want to take. For a long time I wanted to take the road to God, but was so fearful, angry, and lost that I would fall off the path. But, it’s true – there are only two choices – either I chose to continue to heal and learn to forgive, or I don’t.

So, I’m going to walk ahead in faith.

This is how I walked towards Heaven today:

I thanked God for my mom who without a word stepped up, stepped in, and helped me

I read

I prayed

I meditated

I talked with girlfriends in my tribe

I hung with Drishti

I thanked God we are here and safe

I ate Dad’s ice cream

Dad used to make us his favourite dessert when he was alive – it’s one of my yummy childhood memories. I’m stuck between Dad’s ice cream and Grandma’s cinnamon toast for happy comfort food memories. Dad would take vanilla ice cream, put on real maple syrup, and then add some salted peanuts – fancy right? But, like the cinnamon toast the magic was in the simplicity and the love that was behind the treat.

And I sat with the feelings of insecurity and fear I am experiencing. Then I looked around. We are all safe, we are home, my daughter is playing with her cousin, my son is running around in his Chewbacca onesie laughing, I have them, I have my family and friends, I have Drishti, and I have developed this entirely different relationship with God.  All of that is happiness. Real happiness that comes from within, that comes from the Divine.

And it’s springtime in Alberta which reminds me that there are possibilities of new beginnings, new ways of doing things, and that miracles happen all around us.

This is one of my Dad’s photos from the year before he died of our “springtime flower”.

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coach on the field

The boy has taken an assistant position coaching flag football for his school and today, after a few weeks of early morning practice, was their first game. It was such a thrill to see him so involved and passionate about helping and guiding the players. Seeing my little boy who has so quickly grown into this amazing young man be so confident and excited about assisting coaching was such a thrill for me.

I can’t believe how grown up he is. He is way more together than I ever was at his age and I am so incredibly proud of this little human (not so little human). Seeing him thrive – that’s happiness.

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