Tag Archives: happiness

happiness

Into the fury of the fire 

Today we gathered together as a family and as a community and said farewell to my Uncle Harvey. He was my mom’s cousin, but in this large, close knit, extended family he was still uncle to me.

 I spent hours, days, seasons, riding in the fields on his ranch as a smaller child. It was one of the places where I learned the life lessons of courage and strength that have sustained me so well these past few years as I have been rebuilding a more peaceful and happier soul. My courage and strength were both tested every single time I got on a horse at their place and was pushed to the limit of my fears. I will be forever grateful for the lessons I learned from them. 

His sons were talking today at his funeral about uncle Harvey’s own courage and strength and how he taught those around him to be the same by example rather than words. Anyone can say the words to describe the person they want to be, it takes a brave soul to actually live by those words. 

Almost 50 years ago there was a prairie fire in the community and everyone had rushed out to help put it out. Uncle Harvey had been away so when he returned home he knew people were working hard to stop the fire. Instead of joining them, he ran to the barn and saddled up his horse. He grabbed his wire cutters and headed flat out into the fury of the fire. He opened gates and cut wires in fences to let the livestock escape the oncoming fire. 

They spoke of the kind of man who was both brave and kind enough to run full on into a fire to save the animals. That takes a special kind of individual and one that I am so grateful played such a big role in teaching me about courage and bravery. 

My happiness moment ironically came in the middle of the funeral. I was thinking of the gifts that he gave me as a child and how they are gifts I have opened over and over again in my life. There have been so many different people who God has put in my path who have handed me the gifts I needed to carry myself into the next place I wanted to get to. All the emotional craziness of this week has also been a gift. Somehow in the middle of all of it I have settled into a place of spiritual peace that has been missing for quite sometime – and even though I have no idea how it happened, I’m so grateful for that. 

Uncle Harvey’s work clothes. 

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Girls and chocolate 

We had a full out girls day today. We have an overflow of girl power in the house right now and I love it. There’s something that happens when a tribe of girls spend a lot of time together and we have shifted into that zone. It’s almost turned into a red tent – spiritual bonding experience. 

Two happiness moments today. 

The first was sitting on the couch this morning with my dear friend. We got into a deep discussion about how God has guided and changed our lives. We have both been down some hard roads and seen our fair share of struggles, but agreed that our paths had always been lit and we have always been carried when we needed to be. Then we kind of stopped and looked at each other. I said 25 years ago do you think our bad selves would have ever seen us sitting here curled up together on a couch talking about God? Because we used to be two bad ass girls with lots of attitude and a way of finding trouble. She said I know. And to top it off we are sitting here drinking tea. But that tea drinking conversation was happiness. 

The second happiness moment happened over dessert. About 10 days ago in a moment of insanity I decided to give up processed sugar for a while. The kids kindly have been pointing out to me that my mood seems to require that  I sweeten myself a bit more (I blame Mother Nature and her night storms that have kept me up for 5 nights now, but whatever). We went out for supper and decided as a 6 girl tribe that we needed two dessert pizzas from the Rocky Mountain Flatbread Company  in Canmore. If you haven’t been there – go! That was a wonderful little piece of heaven. In fact, we were enjoying it so ….umm…. ecstatically that we attracted the attention of another table of women who had to know what we were eating so they could feel like that too. It was chocolate heaven. And the more we ate the happier we got. And now I have a belly full of happiness. Life is good. 

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Reconnecting 

I have had the strangest 24+ hours that I can recall. Emotions have run high and priorities have been reassessed. I have decided a couple of really positive things have come out of this time. 

One is that I have reconnected with a dear, old friend after a 20 year absence in a deep and honest way that couldn’t have happened if circumstances had been different. There’s nothing like a situation that causes you to drop all your guards down and look at the bare bones of what is needed to see what a person is truly made of. This lady is one strong and brave woman. 

The other is that it had made me dump out a few remaining bags of emotional garbage I was carrying around from the end of my marriage. Stuff I didn’t even know was still sitting there. I emptied it out and have sorted through so much and in such a healing way. It’s a rare person who has experienced so many of the same situations, even if done in different ways. I think it’s been very healing for both of us. I am grateful for that.

My happiness moment was a brief time spent at the creek. In my opinion it’s about one of the most healing places I could ever go to. 

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Where I belong 

Sometimes things happen that help put all the little life struggles into perspective. I had a scary as crap incident happen this afternoon. It was by far the most terrified I’ve been in years, that threat to my personal safety. However I am so thankful to the Cochrane RCMP for the work they do to keep us safe. I’m also impressed and wowed by the strength and bravery of a girlfriend in my tribe. Some of us need to use so much courage with every step. She amazes me. (I’m not expanding on this because it’s not my story to tell). 

Before that happened though….. we spent the afternoon at the Cochrane Horse Trials. Us two horse loving girls who grew up in the trenches of old school Pony Club. We oohed at the ponies, swapped stories of new and old adventures, and basically enjoyed each other’s company. A happiness moment can always be found with horses and horsey friends. 


I read something this morning that explained so much of the trouble I was experiencing as I was trying to rebalance myself the last week or so. I couldn’t figure out why I was so badly out of my zone, and when I started to feel why, I didn’t want it to be the reason so I tried to make it not be –  but this is it:


It’s so difficult to have found myself in a place where I fit, but where I didn’t belong. This is actually something I’ve felt a few times before and couldn’t figure out how to explain it. This sits with me perfectly. And I know exactly where I belong, it makes me wonder why I was trying to fit anywhere else. 

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And the thunder rolls. 

Last night was crazy with storms brewing both inside and outside the house. It was the second night in a row that  the storms have kept me up and it’s left me rather a disaster. Some of you know of the inside storm and to that let me say – if you know me and you have my number please be wise enough to know not to text me in the middle of the night unless you are dying. Seriously. 

Anyway. Onto today. 

We were at my cousin’s house for supper when gigantic balls of ice started falling from the sky. Hail the size of ping pong balls. 


We decided my mom’s car needed to be saved from the hail and I ran outside to move it. So, while I’m on one side of the house being attacked by giant ice balls, the family is looking out the window the other way at this: (the white things are hail)


When I came back inside bruised and battered and learned of this I said it’s like God is over there showing the whole world His promise and how much He loves them. Meanwhile He is beating the hell out of me behind the house. Kind of like how my last year has gone. We all found that hysterical and laughed and laughed. Then my cousin said there’s a bible quote for me to go with that and said:

And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. Romans 5:4

So we talked about that for a while. How hope and faith are so defining. I love our family discussions. They always include religion, politics, beef, what’s for dessert, and at least one weird random thing. I am grateful for this awesome tribe that brings me happiness moments on a regular basis. 

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Holding on and letting go

The theme of this week has been regaining my balance. In the ideal world regaining balance means that I get what I think will make me happy (and the sooner the better). This isn’t always the case though. What always does happen is I get realigned with what is best for my soul – which always leads to happiness in the long run. 

Getting into my balanced state means finding that line of what to hold onto and what to let go of. This the constant struggle of my life. Knowing when it is time to let go. Fortunately last year I had a lot of practice in the art of letting go and I’m much more aware of how the signs present themselves in my body. My body is pretty persistent in how it keeps sending signals until I pay attention to them.  And oh it feels good to honor that intuition. 

I used to struggle more with knowing when to hold on or let go because of my fears. In the last few years I have had to walk into every single one of my fears (except for clowns and mascots – I’m still scared shitless of them) and I have come out a better person for all of it. 

Thanks to the words of my smart friend Robyn, I’m no longer afraid to love with my whole heart. As she was processing the death of her mother last year, she  pointed out that to love someone means that you know for sure you will get hurt. Either your relationship ends or one of you dies. No matter what there is pain, but we need to do it anyway. I’m not afraid to be alone – thanks to Mr. X, I know it’s better to be alone than with someone and feel alone. I’m not afraid to start over anymore, and I’m no longer afraid of losing all I have. 

What I learned for absolute certain is that while I walk through my fears I have not been alone. I learned that every single time  I asked God for help He was there on the path to pick me up and guide me. No matter what kind of a brat I was being. 

There were several happiness moments today including listening to fiddlers  at the farmer’s  market, a movie, and supper with various members of my tribe. I had an awesome friend (and tribe member) point out to be how many amazing women are in my family. That built in tribe has always been such a blessing. 

But, for some reason Derek hanging in our yard brings me a ridiculous amount of happiness. He’s kind of become my extra, outside dog. I love how we attract in those who need love. 

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My happy place 

The other night we did an exercise that involved going to our happy place in our minds. That place where you are totally safe, secure, happy, and at home. For me it was a no brainer – I’ve had the same happy place since I was a kid.  I’m sitting in my happy place right now in fact – lucky me. 


Having that safe place to go and to be in is part of what grounds me and connects me back to God. I’ve been pretty unbalanced lately and it’s only been the last few days that I’ve realized how completely off centre I’ve actually been. 

I woke up at 2 last night unable to sleep. My tummy was in knots and I was feeling totally anxious and out of sorts. Not a good feeling. I decided to do some long overdue energy work and did some heart healing. It took a couple of hours, but I finally got back to a place where my heart felt open again and that’s what allows my  energy flow up to God and out to my people. 

I’m so grateful that I am learning better and more effective ways of bringing that balance back into my life. It’s the only way I can function properly. My happiness moment – my happy place. 

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Pretty toes, lighter heart 

This afternoon Jenna and I finally got around to getting our summer toes done. It’s been a full year since our last pedicure so we were well overdue for some girl time getting our toes pretty. It was a blissful joy happiness moment sitting with my girl and having some bonding time. 

As an unexpected happiness moment I unburdened myself of some things that had been hovering around my heart causing trouble. As soon as I let these worries out I felt the elephant that has been sitting on my back for the last couple of weeks vanish. You’d think at some point I would remember how much holding that in hurts me (and those around me). I need to listen to my intuition more and have more faith – always more faith. 

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Sometimes all you need is a little cry 

Jacob and I took Dad’s clothes in to the Mustard Seed this morning and donated them. We all knew that it was the right decision and that Dad would have wholeheartedly approved (although he would have wished we had got on it faster), but that didn’t make the task any more enjoyable. 

Jacob was my GPS guide which meant we argued half the time when we were  lost in a less than enjoyable part of town. At one point we found ourselves in the parking lot of the Alberta Cheese Factory and seriously considered abandoning our mission because…. cheese. But we kept going. 

A really kind lady helped us unload the clothes and take them inside. I was completely ok until it was time to leave, and leave Dad’s things behind. Then I started ugly crying all over the place. The poor woman asked me if I was ok and I had to say no, that those were all my dad’s clothes and I didn’t want to leave them. Then she started crying and said she’d just lost her dad a few months ago and was starting to go through the same things. I responded with my dad has been gone for a year and we are just now able to do this. I wish I could tell you it gets easier but obviously it doesn’t. And then we stood and cried together for a while until I could leave the building. 

After I bawled for a while in the car and was able to finally drive away (poor Jacob) I realized something I didn’t really like. I could and should have walked over and given that poor woman a hug. It probably would have been good for both of us. I have felt lately that I need to be less sensitive to the actions and comments of others, but I obviously need to also be more sensitive to the needs of others. So, less sensitive to how others affect me and more sensitive to how I affect others. Easy peasy. 


Jacob cracked jokes the whole way home and I laughed so hard I had to pull the car over twice. Happiness moment number one. 

I went to an empowering women gathering in Cochrane tonight which was happiness moment number two. The topic of the evening was balance – which is exactly what I’ve been working at bringing back into my space again. I went with two good girlfriends who make up an important part of my tribe. It’s so essential to my wellbeing to have these women to share my struggles and triumphs with – and to share in theirs. These people who have dumped their emotional garbage bags upside down and aren’t afraid or ashamed of the mess it makes and the work it takes to clean it up, they’re my kind of people. 

I didn’t realize how much I needed being in a circle of women like that until I was there. And I learned a quick and fun rebalancing exercise as a bonus. 

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Letting things go

We finally got started on the task of cleaning out Dad’s closet today. It was difficult and emotional, but a chance to sort through some memories and feelings about loss and letting things go. In the past I have not let go either gracefully or peacefully, it’s kind of a work in progress for me that lesson.

I think Dad would have rolled his eyes at the fact that it took us so long to be strong enough to face the task of donating some of his things. He would have told us to pack it up and get it out to someone who could use it right away. But, I think he also would be so touched that he is so deeply loved that there is this group of people who miss him so much. It makes me think about who I want to surround myself with and walk with me on the rest of my journey. It has become so important to me to make sure those are the right people – the ones who know how to laugh, love, find peace, follow God, know how to give and take, and lift each other up.

I came to a realization as I was sorting through my Dad’s things and mentally sorting through emotions left over by last week’s stellar visit from Mr. X. I have wanted so badly to make things better for the kids, to heal them, to make up for all that they are lacking but I can’t do that. No matter how badly I want to, I can’t make up for the things they don’t have – and we are never going to heal that way. I need to let that shit go. We are an awesome little family, and the fact that some painful stuff has happened does not change that. I need to focus way more on the fact that we are this loving, strong, intact family and much less on any force that has tried to weaken us.

This morning I was lying in bed with Jenna who was trying to tickle me and generally get a rise out of me. Jacob came flying into the room and said oh good, it’s my favourite game. I said what’s that? He answered the bug mom game and leapt on the bed with a pillow to smack me with. Those kids, my family, my life – what a happiness moment.

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