Tag Archives: healing

happiness

The unexpected gift

Every once in a while I get an unexpected life gift – they’re beautiful, extraordinary, and I cherish them in my heart forever. I got one of those blessings this morning.

I was sitting at Timmy’s with the boy having our usual quiet coffee time before school. Out of nowhere he told me that they had had an assignment where they were supposed to write about something that their parents had taught them.

He said:  most of the other kids wrote about things like “my parents taught me how to brush my teeth”, but I decided hell no – I’m going to use this assignment to write something meaningful.

He went on to tell me that he wrote about how his mom taught him to always stand behind the people that you love. He said I remember when things were really bad at home and I was scared. When I was fighting, you would jump in and fight with me. You always had my back, you stood up for me even though it got you yelled at. You made me feel safe and protected. I learned that is how you love people.

I didn’t even know what to say. I often beat myself up feeling like I failed them in so many ways. It was heartwarming to hear his perspective on how he remembered things. I mean, terrible that he experienced them, but wonderful that he remembered there was love in the middle of all that.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the notion of unconditional love. I have written a bit about it. I was raised with it, I love my tribe with it. I’m still caught off guard when the people that I love put conditions on their love for me. But, my sincere hope is that my kids will grow up knowing how to give and receive unconditional love. Based on his story I would say that he’s well on that journey. I am so proud of him, and so touched by the unexpected happiness moment he gave me this morning.

On our way out of the house we were greeted with God’s light display sending us love and peace – something that has held me strongly throughout the day.

the view from my front yard

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happiness

Embrace your light

I was reminded this morning that I have forgotten how to breathe. Not in the OMG I’m not going to suffocate and die at this moment way, but that somehow I’ve forgotten how to breathe into my peace and bliss. Sometimes I get so caught up in life, running around trying to put out fires, that I forget that one of the best things I can do for myself is to just stop and breathe. Slowly, deeply, inhaling that healing breath. It never ceases to amaze me what an immediate difference that makes to my nervous system.

I was doing the first of the new series of Healing Light Yoga Therapy classes lead by my friend and mentor Asrael. I have done every series she has offered so far and it has been such an important part of my healing journey.

It surprised me (although it shouldn’t have) all the emotions that were brought up for me in that class. This journey I’ve been on has been about embracing happiness, but there’s many more emotions attached to it as well. Part of finding happiness for me has meant that I also have been able to acknowledge that other emotions flow through me – anger, sadness, grief, anxiety – and that they all need to be honoured. I never really knew what to do with those feelings so I would just stuff them deep down where they would fester and damage me. Now, I can allow them into my life and still know that I’m a happiness seeker because… well… those other emotions are part of life too.

Today’s special visitors were sadness and grief. Those are ones that I’ve worked very hard at pushing away. The past few years have had so much loss in them. On top of losing my dad, I’ve had to give up the dream I wanted for my family. There’s a lot of good that is coming from that, but it still carries so much pain and sorrow that my kids won’t have the family I dreamed for them and neither will I. I’ve already grieved losing that person, but the sadness from giving up that dream still sneaks up on me. This type of yoga helps all of those emotions move out of my body. It’s tiring, but so healing.

I seem to keep coming back to discovering the gifts that God has given me and figuring out what I am supposed to do with them. Understanding that I need to listen very carefully to my heart and my intuition is going to guide me along the path of this part of my life. That is being told to me very clearly in everything I do lately.

It was a beautiful, sad, blissful, grieving, peaceful happiness moment as I worked at embracing my light this morning in my yoga class. We all have this light we need to shine into the world. I feel like I’m finally finding mine.

 

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No limits, no fears

I’ve been having an ongoing happiness moment for the past few weeks. A couple of months ago I started having rumblings inside my soul that big changes were about to happen yet again. I wasn’t happy about this, as the changes I’ve had in the past couple of years have all been difficult and drastic – but I’ve also learned that there isn’t much I can do to stop a life change once it starts happening – I can either embrace or resist it.

In the subtle way that God has of making His point, I have been made aware of the fact that for years now I have been expecting and settling for far too little from myself and from my life. This fact was driven home a while ago (by someone whom I had loved and trusted) informing me that I was not good enough, not attractive enough for them to want to be with me any longer.

It left me with a WTF moment. Instead of the crushed feeling I was expecting, I felt this screaming from inside saying wait…. you think I’m not good enough for you??

I have been told by a significant man in my life for years that I wasn’t the perfect image he wanted standing by his side. If I’d gain weight, the roll would be grabbed and made fun of, if I said the wrong thing I was reminded of it for ages afterwards, if I wore an outfit that he didn’t like I was told very blatantly that it wasn’t something that looked good on me. It crushed me hearing that year after year, knowing that there was nothing I could ever do to change myself enough to make him like me – let alone respect me. And obviously I didn’t either like or respect myself then either.

It sent me into a life crisis so I stopped my world and settled into figuring out who I am, how I feel about myself, and what I want from life. This will be a lifelong process, but I know I’ve been walking that path for long enough that now at least it is familiar to me.

So, when I was told once again that I was not good enough instead of believing it, as I would have in my 30s, I gave thanks that I’m in my fuck-you-forties and have been able to spend some time analyzing how I feel about those words instead of hurting over why he didn’t want me. Because who cares why he didn’t want me, that is his issue, mine is to figure out why I was with a man who didn’t respect me (again). What was wrong with me that I allowed for relationships like that?

What it has left me with is the realization that now is the time to start expecting more from my life. I’m done settling, I’m done with not pushing myself to find out how far the gifts that God gave me can take me. It’s already had me pushing at some of what I thought were my limits – I’ve found that I’ve been able to walk through walls I had built up with very little resistance.

I’m in a phase of my life that is filled with no limits and no fears. Or at the very least, the fears I feel are no longer going to stop me from pursuing my dreams, from sharing my gifts.

If it sounds like I’m bitter, I’m not. I’m actually deeply and profoundly happy. I have healed in the past year to the point where I not only feel like I’m not broken, but am understanding that maybe I was never broken.  Maybe, just maybe, I’m exactly where I need to be and I’ve had those experiences so that I could learn exactly what I was supposed to learn.

I have fears, but I have a stronger faith. God has been walking so closely with me these past few years as I’ve been sorting things out. It’s time for me to embrace the faith so I can let go of the fear.

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The Family United

We had our family thanksgiving meal tonight. I think my Thanksgiving curse has finally been lifted as this was the best Thanksgiving I have had in years.

During our prayer my uncle gave thanks for us being a family united – both together and in God. There were several moments tonight where I looked around the table and was filled with gratitude for the people sitting there. This tribe is so unique, so powerful, so loving. I don’t know how it is I ended up being part of it, but I thank God for that every second of every day. It was such a blessing to sit with people who all know each other so well. We are aware that we aren’t perfect, that we are full of flaws, but that we are also full of love and that love always wins. True, unconditional love. A perfect happiness moment.

I sat beside the other lefty – my giggle partner. One of my other cousins said one of our trigger words from The Frantics and we melted down in uncontrollable laughter. Of course, no one else understood what we were laughing about and we couldn’t even stop to breathe forget explain. I was crying, her stomach was hurting – and we kept laughing. All it took was one look at each other at the mention of that word and we lost it. We pretty much have our own secret giggle language which guarantees that we have fun at any get together. That is laughter and happiness.

We had a visitor come to the window right before we ate. It gave a perfect evening an even better Thanksgiving feel.

 

I have so much to be grateful for – we are surrounded by this amazing tribe of strong, loving people and I would not want it any other way. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

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From the East

Our thanksgiving family time has started with a visit from my cousin on my dad’s side. Because they grew up in Ontario and we are in Alberta I didn’t get to see any of my dad’s relatives as often as we all would have liked – yet that bond is still there and so strong. Losing my dad last year seemed to have brought us even closer together as we realize how small the miles can become and how short the time is.

We caught up on what everyone is doing and spent a lot of time talking about a cousin who has been having some health challenges lately. I am thankful for him that he has this awesome support system built in around him and that the treatments seem to be helping out. It’s just another reminder of how lucky I am to be in this tribe, and how important it is that we really stop and love each other. I don’t think at the end of the day much else is going to matter to me besides the people who I loved.

Happiness – sitting in the kitchen (where all good visiting happens) and catching up with my cousin. Here’s to the beginning of a great thanksgiving weekend.

 

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Never Broken

Thanksgiving brings up so many emotions for me. It used to be one of my favourite family gathering holidays. Then our family imploded on a Thanksgiving a few years ago and it was never the same for the kids and me again. Last year I explored the fact that what had seemed like a tragedy was in fact a gift – the beginning of a new, happier, stronger life. Still, there are these weird emotions that are attached to this weekend.

This year though, we are once again surrounded by friends and family. We are having a big meal at our place, in the kitchen where family has gathered for generations. There will be love and laughter filling our home and I am looking forward to that.

I have been exploring my feelings about being broken. I felt like I was completely shattered for so long I wondered if I would ever heal. Lately though, I have realized that I have healed so much more than I ever thought I would. I have healed enough that the idea of continuing to be broken feels impossible. I keep thinking of the line from the Casting Crowns your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place. This year has been about that. Every change has lead to something better, to more healing happening, to me realizing that I was never broken.

I listened to some Jann Arden today while I was driving in the first snow of the year. Because we lived in the States for so many years, I missed a lot of her newer songs. I fell in love with her song You Love Me Back. How have I never heard that one before? It’s so happy it made me feel good just listening to it. But, then I heard You Were Never Broken.

I’ve struggled so much in my life with letting go. It’s only been in the past couple of years that I’ve understood how important it is to let some people go from my life. And I’ve also understood that sometimes with that comes burning bridges (sometimes with people still on them), and that that is ok. I have finally understood that it’s only by letting go that I can make room for the new and better things that are waiting to come into my life.

I think this year I am finally ready to embrace that gift that was given to me on that Thanksgiving years ago. It made me change every single thing about my life. It’s been a long and very difficult climb, but I feel like I am out of the darkness. The profound happiness moment that this brings is almost impossible to describe, but it fills me with intense gratitude- perfect for Thanksgiving.

 

Never Broken – Jann Arden

Leave them all behind
Everyone that hurt you
Leave them on the road
Let them get run over
Nobody can stop you
You were never broken
You were only hoping it would end

Keep your body well
Drink in lots of water
Always look ahead
Don’t you wait for nothin’
Nobody can stop you
You were never broken
You were only hopin’ for a friend

All they want is for you to fail
You wont be defeated
Just stand on that mountain
You look down at the valley
Every step you’ve taken
Nobody can stop you
You were never broken
You were always holding out for this

 

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The wrecking ball


A while ago I was introduced to the concept of the wrecking ball soulmate. It was around the time that my relationship was coming to an end with my own wrecking ball soulmate.  It’s a perfect way to describe what that relationship was for me. You know, the kind that hits you like a tornado and leaves a path of mass destruction in its wake.

Now that some time has passed and I can look back more clearly I realize how much I gained in that process. It challenged my beliefs (made me realize that there are ones I have that I can’t compromise), it made me sit deep in feelings I hadn’t had for years – good feelings, happy feelings. It made me question who I am and how I want to be in a relationship.

It made me know to the core of my soul that no man is ever going to be the boss of me again. I believe that true, equal partnerships can be formed. I finally know my worth and my value – and that knowledge is not dependent on what anyone else thinks of me. I needed to learn those lessons.

I also firmly believe that there are really, really good men out there. I was raised by one, I am raising one.

I had a long conversation with a childhood friend today. We talked about relationships, life, horses, kids… the whole thing. I filled her in on the last year of my life and we laughed at some of the tragedies and celebrated the wins. Because that’s what good friends do – find the funny and lift you up. This tribe I have…. it’s insane. I don’t know how I would ever survive without them, and I’m so thankful for every single member . Sharing life stories, sorting out things, laughing and feeling peace with her was my moment of happiness today.

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Italian Centre and the Village People

The boy and I ended up having a personal wellness day today. He had an appointment with a specialist that was on the other side of town which gifted him the day off of school (it’s a short day Friday), so we decided to take full advantage of it after his appointment.

Because we were fairly close – which means not really close, but we wanted to do it anyway – we headed over to the Italian Centre in the south part of town for lunch. It was crazy busy, but the food makes it so worth it. Because we were at lunch rush time,  there were no tables. As we were standing there trying to figure out what to do, they started putting out places to sit outside. It was 14C and you never know here how much longer the weather is going to hold, so we took full advantage of the opportunity to eat alfresco.

That kid makes me laugh so hard. Like hiccups, tears down my face laughter. Needless to say it was a good lunch. He’s such a strong, gentle soul – I learn so much about the perfect love of God in just spending time with that human.

Me and my sweet tooth…. where do I even begin!


On the way home the YMCA came on and we did some serious car dancing. Well, me more than him – and that was mostly because it started to embarrass him which of course made it more fun for me. But there were glimpses of moments inside his embarrassment where I could see him tapping out the beat and quietly doing the hand movements that go along with the song.

I have so much appreciation and gratitude for the relationship I have with that kid. Lunching and car dancing – happiness moments.

On a different note, I had a conversation with a newer member of my tribe today. She’s dealing with some serious stuff. It’s not really her stuff so much as  that of someone whom she loves dearly. I was so humbled and impressed at how she’s loving and holding him up during his deep grief and troubles. I am so blessed to have so many amazingly strong people in my tribe. If indeed it is true that your vibe attracts your tribe (and I believe it is) I must be on a pretty good vibe because I have awesome people in my tribe.

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The energy shifts

I’ve been saying for the past few weeks that I felt like I was on the verge of a huge energy shift again. I don’t think I even realized that as I was saying I was on the verge that I was actually already shifting. The past couple of weeks have brought about some big changes, and I am pretty excited about the shifts that are taking place.

I had a session with my amazing Asrael today and we worked on allowing some of that energy to flow, understanding some of what it is, and letting some things go. I had a huge a-ha moment which seemed to have given me an answer to a what was the purpose of that happening question I’d been having. I get it, I get it, I get it, and now I know how to apply that knowledge so I can learn the lesson I was supposed to from it and empower myself. Because that’s what this shift is all about – stepping into my dharma. I love that – all this work over the past few years has been getting me ready for this space right now. I’m pretty excited about that.

Just knowing that and allowing the energy to flow has already brought about some huge and powerful changes. I had an intensely powerful spiritual moment during my session today. I’m not even going to begin to try and describe it, but just know that it brightened the core of my soul. My happiness moment.

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