Tag Archives: divorce

happiness

The wrecking ball


A while ago I was introduced to the concept of the wrecking ball soulmate. It was around the time that my relationship was coming to an end with my own wrecking ball soulmate.  It’s a perfect way to describe what that relationship was for me. You know, the kind that hits you like a tornado and leaves a path of mass destruction in its wake.

Now that some time has passed and I can look back more clearly I realize how much I gained in that process. It challenged my beliefs (made me realize that there are ones I have that I can’t compromise), it made me sit deep in feelings I hadn’t had for years – good feelings, happy feelings. It made me question who I am and how I want to be in a relationship.

It made me know to the core of my soul that no man is ever going to be the boss of me again. I believe that true, equal partnerships can be formed. I finally know my worth and my value – and that knowledge is not dependent on what anyone else thinks of me. I needed to learn those lessons.

I also firmly believe that there are really, really good men out there. I was raised by one, I am raising one.

I had a long conversation with a childhood friend today. We talked about relationships, life, horses, kids… the whole thing. I filled her in on the last year of my life and we laughed at some of the tragedies and celebrated the wins. Because that’s what good friends do – find the funny and lift you up. This tribe I have…. it’s insane. I don’t know how I would ever survive without them, and I’m so thankful for every single member . Sharing life stories, sorting out things, laughing and feeling peace with her was my moment of happiness today.

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The week before

I always find these days before thanksgiving to be weird ones. I can’t believe it’s been 5 thanksgivings since the one  that changed our family forever. When I feel like it’s taking forever for me to heal and get my shit together I look back at where I was 5 years ago and I realize how incredibly far I’ve come since then.

I’ve realized lately that I am walking into my own power and that no one has the ability to take that away from me anymore. There’s something so healing about finally realizing my own worth and understanding that it does not depend on anyone else’s opinion of me. Sacred trusts can be broken, brutal blows can be intentionally delivered and yet…. that safety and security that I’ve been seeking and creating for so long…. that continues to grow inside of me. Part of that comes from my own inner strength, part of it comes from the fact that I am blessed with this amazing tribe of people who hold me tight, most of it comes from God.

I continue to focus on creating a safe and secure home for my family. Tonight our home has a smell to it that has been missing for a couple of years. I’m baking bread again. Taking the time to slow down and purposely create the life that I want is leading to big changes once again for us. I love that. That is a happiness moment.

The elk have come back to the hay valley and we were greeted by them as we raced by on the way to school. That drive is the most amazing way to start the day.

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Too many cats

I celebrated a birthday lunch today with a girlfriend whom I’ve known since forever. We both grew up doing the Pony Club thing and many of the shared fondness and horror stories – Robert Coates’ manure pile anyone?

Her past year has been a difficult, growing journey as well as she is letting go of her marriage. We talked about many things at our lunch – but one of them was the weird rebellion that the two of us went through at the end of our marriages. We know other women who have rebelled in many different ways – dating different men, building careers, being angry, feeling freedom – but we both ended up doing much the same thing. We celebrated by allowing dirty dishes to be left in the sink without worrying about getting in trouble, and by adopting cats. Then we laughed about what badasses we are. Which is funny because back in the day we used to actually be badasses – how did we ever allow ourselves to become so lost?

How can you not love these guys? They remind me all the time of what real love is.


The divorce thing is not a lot of fun, it’s painful for everyone involved. But I’m so thankful that there’s this smaller tribe of women in my circle who have been through the same thing and that we are there to lift each other up. Mostly though, I’m glad that I am back in an area where I have lifelong friends like this that I can celebrate the joys of life with.

It was a fantastic happiness moment – enjoying a beautiful fall day with a dear friend. We know so much of each other’s history. We reconnected this summer in a way that brought all of our defenses down and put us in a place where we rebuilt our friendship in a very raw and authentic way. There is a lot to be said for a friendship where both people simply accept each other exactly as they are and show nothing but loving support. All relationships should be like that.

 

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happiness

Alvin and the Chipmunks

The past few weekends seem like they have been busy, stressful, and hectic. Having a quiet day today was so welcome. It was rainy and kind of gross out which made it the perfect day to clean the house, watch movies, read, and nap.

I’ve become a lot more aware lately of where my energy is being directed, to whom I’m giving it, and how I want to use it. It’s amazing how letting go of things and people that drain me has opened doors to allow some pretty cool things to start to come in. That letting go that I struggle with so much – it has it’s benefits for sure!

Having the quiet time to meditate, study my Ayurveda, love on my kids has put my balance back where it belongs – grounded and centered.

Laughing tonight with my Jenna while we watched an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie and ate popcorn was a fantastic happiness moment.

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Italian Centre and the Village People

The boy and I ended up having a personal wellness day today. He had an appointment with a specialist that was on the other side of town which gifted him the day off of school (it’s a short day Friday), so we decided to take full advantage of it after his appointment.

Because we were fairly close – which means not really close, but we wanted to do it anyway – we headed over to the Italian Centre in the south part of town for lunch. It was crazy busy, but the food makes it so worth it. Because we were at lunch rush time,  there were no tables. As we were standing there trying to figure out what to do, they started putting out places to sit outside. It was 14C and you never know here how much longer the weather is going to hold, so we took full advantage of the opportunity to eat alfresco.

That kid makes me laugh so hard. Like hiccups, tears down my face laughter. Needless to say it was a good lunch. He’s such a strong, gentle soul – I learn so much about the perfect love of God in just spending time with that human.

Me and my sweet tooth…. where do I even begin!


On the way home the YMCA came on and we did some serious car dancing. Well, me more than him – and that was mostly because it started to embarrass him which of course made it more fun for me. But there were glimpses of moments inside his embarrassment where I could see him tapping out the beat and quietly doing the hand movements that go along with the song.

I have so much appreciation and gratitude for the relationship I have with that kid. Lunching and car dancing – happiness moments.

On a different note, I had a conversation with a newer member of my tribe today. She’s dealing with some serious stuff. It’s not really her stuff so much as  that of someone whom she loves dearly. I was so humbled and impressed at how she’s loving and holding him up during his deep grief and troubles. I am so blessed to have so many amazingly strong people in my tribe. If indeed it is true that your vibe attracts your tribe (and I believe it is) I must be on a pretty good vibe because I have awesome people in my tribe.

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The energy shifts

I’ve been saying for the past few weeks that I felt like I was on the verge of a huge energy shift again. I don’t think I even realized that as I was saying I was on the verge that I was actually already shifting. The past couple of weeks have brought about some big changes, and I am pretty excited about the shifts that are taking place.

I had a session with my amazing Asrael today and we worked on allowing some of that energy to flow, understanding some of what it is, and letting some things go. I had a huge a-ha moment which seemed to have given me an answer to a what was the purpose of that happening question I’d been having. I get it, I get it, I get it, and now I know how to apply that knowledge so I can learn the lesson I was supposed to from it and empower myself. Because that’s what this shift is all about – stepping into my dharma. I love that – all this work over the past few years has been getting me ready for this space right now. I’m pretty excited about that.

Just knowing that and allowing the energy to flow has already brought about some huge and powerful changes. I had an intensely powerful spiritual moment during my session today. I’m not even going to begin to try and describe it, but just know that it brightened the core of my soul. My happiness moment.

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Tiramisu in the afternoon

I met my cousin today for a spectacularly wonderful lunch at an Italian restaurant in town (for those of you close to Cochrane – it was The Boot). Life is busy, but we are both at a stage where we are very clearly understanding the power and importance of these close friendships, so we make time about once a month to get together for a visit. This was the first one in a while that didn’t seem like it was rushed (or had sick tag along kids involved) and we could really just sit and focus on catching up with each other.

This kind of relationship is special for many reasons. We have known each other our entire lives, we share and understand (as much as one can) our unique family, we have had a genuine friendship since we were babies, and we have both been through some (very different) shit over the past few years that has made us really sit back and reassess our lives. It’s so nice to be able to have a conversation with someone about anything in my life and not have to explain any back story because usually she already knows most of it.

We talked about everything  today – kids, cows, family, relationships, faith, food…

The food was amazing by the way. And the owner comes from the same small town in Italy that my aunt does which made it extra enjoyable.


We laughed, we rolled eyes, we shared stories, we enjoyed our food, we split an awesome tiramisu…. we really enjoyed the warmth and love that comes from a genuine friendship. My happiness moment.

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Another step 

I found today to be a pretty exhausting day – I always find the days that we have lawyer things exhausting. But every one of these meetings is a step closer to us having things resolved and being able to finalize the divorce. 

I am so grateful for my lawyer who understands me so well and has supported me through this so consistently. 

On my train ride home my dear friend sent me this screen shot:


Which perfectly describes a completely different situation that I am dealing with. 

I laughed so hard that I’m pretty sure most of the other commuters thought I was nuts. And because of that – it was my happiness moment. There are funny things to be found everywhere. 

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Trust the journey 

It’s been a weird week. I’ve had these gut feelings come up and make me question myself and choices I’ve made. I’m so hard on myself sometimes. Some of the things going on had me feeling so overwhelmed and like I was making bad decisions all over the place. 

So I slowed everything down and got back to praying and meditating. And weird things started happening. I had people appear suddenly offering friendship, I had questions asked to me about Ayurveda, I had questions answered about whether I’m doing the right thing. 

I had a conversation with someone this morning that I kind of expected to go badly. I was really anxious about it, and wasn’t in a very good headspace to begin with. 

Instead of what I was expecting, I was given a talk about how I needed to honour my journey. This is someone who came into my life when I was completely broken and he’s been one of my teachers as I’ve been on the path of healing. 

He told me he was there to walk the journey with me, that I needed to remember how much I had worked through, and that it was a testament to my strength and character that I was where I was now. In a time of such self doubt, I really needed to hear that right now. I may now meet everyone’s approval, but I can feel in my gut I’m being true to myself. 

Those kind words were more than a happiness moment, they helped me pick myself up and keep walking on my path. 

As a bonus happiness moment I had the girls help me in the garden today. It’s time to get out what we can before everything freezes. They pulled carrots and onions, and dug potatoes. The potatoes hold a special place in our heart because they are ones that my great grandfather brought over from Ireland almost 150 years ago. 

The purple potatoes. I wonder what he wound think of his great – great granddaughter digging them up outside of the house he built all those years ago. Our roots run deep here. 

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That’s what it’s all about 

I spent a lot of time today thinking about my community – not just my tribe, but the community that we live in. When we moved back I was very mindful about the fact that I wanted to make Cochrane our hometown. It has always been a community I have felt part of, even though we have always lived on the outside of it. 

With that in mind, we started building relationships with the people in town – making new friends (reacquainting with old ones), getting to know the people who work in the shops we frequent – the grocery store, the cafes, the pet store – developing a church community (still a work in progress). Every time we go into town we see people we know. For the kids and I who were strangers and foreigners for years, that is a really big deal. It means we are home, we have a place where we belong – there’s a lot of security and joy that comes from that. 

Then we also have the blessing of our big and crazy tribe. People get added to it and it grows, but the sense of peace that comes from it stays the same. 

Jenna has developed a strong friendship with a delightful girl from her school. It has begun a friendship with her mother and I. I think those kinds of friendships are the best – where the whole family develops a bond. 

The two girls are in the yard playing Star Wars with bamboo sticks. My favourite view from my house is the one out the kitchen window towards the barn. Usually it’s because I love the barn, I love the animals that usually are out there, but mostly it’s because that view gives me the feeling of home. When I looked out and saw them playing there I realized how much this has become home for the kids too. Happiness moment extrordinaire. 

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