Author Archives: Melissa

happiness

The wonky toe

Jenna was born with a wonky toe. I remember it stood out because I did the quick check over on her as soon as I held her and asked the doctor right away. She said it was just how God had made her and that she was fine. And she is – that toe does not give her any issues at all.

Until this morning when she woke up in intense pain. I took her into the Urgent Care in Cochrane and they checked her out right away. I’m so thankful we have that place to go to – the care is excellent and it’s usually not that busy. Plus, there’s often some neighbour sitting in the waiting room who we can catch up with – today being no different.

They checked her out and said toe seems to have been sprained or strained or something but isn’t broken. That makes me happy. But, when I have to go seek medical treatment I always have a moment of gratitude and happiness that I’m back home in Alberta. I just have to show my health card and we are looked after. There’s no worry about getting a huge bill in a few weeks, or wondering if I’ll be able to afford treatment. I’m happy and thankful every day that we are back home – but a little bit more on days like this one.

 

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Finding our gifts

Today was week 3 of the finding your spiritual gift group I’ve been attending at our church. I consider it such a blessing that I was guided into this group, this church, at the exact time I was. For a few weeks before I had sat with this powerful feeling that things were changing in my life, that it was time to begin to embrace my power, that I was going to begin a new level of understanding myself.

Then I went to church and was pulled immediately into this group by one of the ladies. I had no intention of joining, was looking to drop the kids off and go have some quiet time before coming back for service. But the lady told me it was an opportunity to find out what gifts God has given us and how we are to use them in the world. All my spidey senses went off. This was exactly what I had been needing. So I went.

The past three weeks have been really interesting. I have learned a lot about myself, and about how the gifts we are given work. I’m finally understanding that just because my gifts aren’t like your gifts, or aren’t maybe the gifts that I think would have value that I would like them to have (usually because I’ve been told they don’t), that does not mean that they aren’t sacred gifts from God – that it is my duty to use them.

Our leader comes in every week with a wrapped gift and places it at her feet. She talks about how important it is not only to receive the gift, but too use it. Then she motions to the gift box and says – because it’s not much good to any of us just sitting there all wrapped up in the box not being used is it?

So true.

I’m starting to understand some of my gifts and how they have value. They’re things that I actually used to think had value, but had allowed people over the years to devalue. Somehow instead of having the confidence in myself and in what I had to offer, I allowed the opinions of others to make me feel like my gifts weren’t important. And unfortunately for every time I was told by someone else that my gifts didn’t have value, I repeated that message to myself 1000 times more.  All of our gifts are important – no matter how big or how small.

Jenna was asked to help out with the children’s church during service. She was nervous, but excited to be one of the “big kids” and to have some responsibility. She’s so shy in public and often doubts the great gifts that God has given her. She stepped into one of her gifts today and did a wonderful job of helping the kids during service. The kids were happy, but the glow that came from Jenna from sharing that special part of herself – that was my happiness moment. It is so important to share what God gave you.

 

 

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happiness

I’ve been training for this 

I took the boy into the Italian Centre this afternoon to get some of what have become our house staples. How did we ever survive without having this as a semi-regular stop?

We were leaving the freezer section where entirely too much time had been spent deciding exactly what kind of gelato was needed when I turned around and Jacob was gone. A quick glance around and I saw him leading a father and his daughter towards the cheese section. I fell in behind them and listened to him telling them about his favourite kinds of cheese (there’s a reason we call him cheese boy). He described in great detail the tastes of several different options and managed to convince them to try his current fave – Oka . They thanked him for his suggestions, grabbed a thing of Oka and Jacob left them to the rest of their shopping.

As we were heading for the till he told me that he’d heard them standing by the deli section trying to decide what kind of cheese they wanted to try for supper. He said I knew I could help them because I’ve been training for this moment my whole life. He’s totally right – he has. The kid takes his cheese seriously.

Watching him be so excited about sharing his knowledge about a food he loves so dearly was my happiness moment.

 

eating this cake was also a happiness moment…. so good.

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Derek and laughter

Derek the orphan calf moved out to the field a few weeks ago. While I have not missed the little presents he left in my yard (however they provided endless that’s bullshit jokes), I miss seeing his little face peering in my window looking for me to come give him cuddles.

I decided this afternoon it was time to go give dear Derek a visit so we headed out to the field. It apparently was nap time as he, Blindey, and the two cows they’ve been put with were all lying down. The other three got up and stared at me with caution (but didn’t move away) and Derek just perked his eyes up and stayed where he was. I went and sat beside him and we cuddled and cuddled for a good long time.

It’s important to note here that I am not a cow person. A horse, dog, cat, etc etc person yes – I’ve never really wanted to bond to a bovine. But Derek… oh Derek…. he captured my heart.

It was so sweet how he leaned right into my arms and really wanted those hugs so badly. Amazing how all us animals just want to be loved. Happiness moment right there.

As a bonus, when we got home Jacob played for me a couple of videos that had him laughing all day. We may have discovered the cure for depression – snorting, hiccuping, laughter.

No idea what he’s saying but omg is it funny

a man yodelling with chickens – what more do you need?

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The unexpected gift

Every once in a while I get an unexpected life gift – they’re beautiful, extraordinary, and I cherish them in my heart forever. I got one of those blessings this morning.

I was sitting at Timmy’s with the boy having our usual quiet coffee time before school. Out of nowhere he told me that they had had an assignment where they were supposed to write about something that their parents had taught them.

He said:  most of the other kids wrote about things like “my parents taught me how to brush my teeth”, but I decided hell no – I’m going to use this assignment to write something meaningful.

He went on to tell me that he wrote about how his mom taught him to always stand behind the people that you love. He said I remember when things were really bad at home and I was scared. When I was fighting, you would jump in and fight with me. You always had my back, you stood up for me even though it got you yelled at. You made me feel safe and protected. I learned that is how you love people.

I didn’t even know what to say. I often beat myself up feeling like I failed them in so many ways. It was heartwarming to hear his perspective on how he remembered things. I mean, terrible that he experienced them, but wonderful that he remembered there was love in the middle of all that.

I have been thinking a lot lately about the notion of unconditional love. I have written a bit about it. I was raised with it, I love my tribe with it. I’m still caught off guard when the people that I love put conditions on their love for me. But, my sincere hope is that my kids will grow up knowing how to give and receive unconditional love. Based on his story I would say that he’s well on that journey. I am so proud of him, and so touched by the unexpected happiness moment he gave me this morning.

On our way out of the house we were greeted with God’s light display sending us love and peace – something that has held me strongly throughout the day.

the view from my front yard

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Embrace your light

I was reminded this morning that I have forgotten how to breathe. Not in the OMG I’m not going to suffocate and die at this moment way, but that somehow I’ve forgotten how to breathe into my peace and bliss. Sometimes I get so caught up in life, running around trying to put out fires, that I forget that one of the best things I can do for myself is to just stop and breathe. Slowly, deeply, inhaling that healing breath. It never ceases to amaze me what an immediate difference that makes to my nervous system.

I was doing the first of the new series of Healing Light Yoga Therapy classes lead by my friend and mentor Asrael. I have done every series she has offered so far and it has been such an important part of my healing journey.

It surprised me (although it shouldn’t have) all the emotions that were brought up for me in that class. This journey I’ve been on has been about embracing happiness, but there’s many more emotions attached to it as well. Part of finding happiness for me has meant that I also have been able to acknowledge that other emotions flow through me – anger, sadness, grief, anxiety – and that they all need to be honoured. I never really knew what to do with those feelings so I would just stuff them deep down where they would fester and damage me. Now, I can allow them into my life and still know that I’m a happiness seeker because… well… those other emotions are part of life too.

Today’s special visitors were sadness and grief. Those are ones that I’ve worked very hard at pushing away. The past few years have had so much loss in them. On top of losing my dad, I’ve had to give up the dream I wanted for my family. There’s a lot of good that is coming from that, but it still carries so much pain and sorrow that my kids won’t have the family I dreamed for them and neither will I. I’ve already grieved losing that person, but the sadness from giving up that dream still sneaks up on me. This type of yoga helps all of those emotions move out of my body. It’s tiring, but so healing.

I seem to keep coming back to discovering the gifts that God has given me and figuring out what I am supposed to do with them. Understanding that I need to listen very carefully to my heart and my intuition is going to guide me along the path of this part of my life. That is being told to me very clearly in everything I do lately.

It was a beautiful, sad, blissful, grieving, peaceful happiness moment as I worked at embracing my light this morning in my yoga class. We all have this light we need to shine into the world. I feel like I’m finally finding mine.

 

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No limits, no fears

I’ve been having an ongoing happiness moment for the past few weeks. A couple of months ago I started having rumblings inside my soul that big changes were about to happen yet again. I wasn’t happy about this, as the changes I’ve had in the past couple of years have all been difficult and drastic – but I’ve also learned that there isn’t much I can do to stop a life change once it starts happening – I can either embrace or resist it.

In the subtle way that God has of making His point, I have been made aware of the fact that for years now I have been expecting and settling for far too little from myself and from my life. This fact was driven home a while ago (by someone whom I had loved and trusted) informing me that I was not good enough, not attractive enough for them to want to be with me any longer.

It left me with a WTF moment. Instead of the crushed feeling I was expecting, I felt this screaming from inside saying wait…. you think I’m not good enough for you??

I have been told by a significant man in my life for years that I wasn’t the perfect image he wanted standing by his side. If I’d gain weight, the roll would be grabbed and made fun of, if I said the wrong thing I was reminded of it for ages afterwards, if I wore an outfit that he didn’t like I was told very blatantly that it wasn’t something that looked good on me. It crushed me hearing that year after year, knowing that there was nothing I could ever do to change myself enough to make him like me – let alone respect me. And obviously I didn’t either like or respect myself then either.

It sent me into a life crisis so I stopped my world and settled into figuring out who I am, how I feel about myself, and what I want from life. This will be a lifelong process, but I know I’ve been walking that path for long enough that now at least it is familiar to me.

So, when I was told once again that I was not good enough instead of believing it, as I would have in my 30s, I gave thanks that I’m in my fuck-you-forties and have been able to spend some time analyzing how I feel about those words instead of hurting over why he didn’t want me. Because who cares why he didn’t want me, that is his issue, mine is to figure out why I was with a man who didn’t respect me (again). What was wrong with me that I allowed for relationships like that?

What it has left me with is the realization that now is the time to start expecting more from my life. I’m done settling, I’m done with not pushing myself to find out how far the gifts that God gave me can take me. It’s already had me pushing at some of what I thought were my limits – I’ve found that I’ve been able to walk through walls I had built up with very little resistance.

I’m in a phase of my life that is filled with no limits and no fears. Or at the very least, the fears I feel are no longer going to stop me from pursuing my dreams, from sharing my gifts.

If it sounds like I’m bitter, I’m not. I’m actually deeply and profoundly happy. I have healed in the past year to the point where I not only feel like I’m not broken, but am understanding that maybe I was never broken.  Maybe, just maybe, I’m exactly where I need to be and I’ve had those experiences so that I could learn exactly what I was supposed to learn.

I have fears, but I have a stronger faith. God has been walking so closely with me these past few years as I’ve been sorting things out. It’s time for me to embrace the faith so I can let go of the fear.

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The Family United

We had our family thanksgiving meal tonight. I think my Thanksgiving curse has finally been lifted as this was the best Thanksgiving I have had in years.

During our prayer my uncle gave thanks for us being a family united – both together and in God. There were several moments tonight where I looked around the table and was filled with gratitude for the people sitting there. This tribe is so unique, so powerful, so loving. I don’t know how it is I ended up being part of it, but I thank God for that every second of every day. It was such a blessing to sit with people who all know each other so well. We are aware that we aren’t perfect, that we are full of flaws, but that we are also full of love and that love always wins. True, unconditional love. A perfect happiness moment.

I sat beside the other lefty – my giggle partner. One of my other cousins said one of our trigger words from The Frantics and we melted down in uncontrollable laughter. Of course, no one else understood what we were laughing about and we couldn’t even stop to breathe forget explain. I was crying, her stomach was hurting – and we kept laughing. All it took was one look at each other at the mention of that word and we lost it. We pretty much have our own secret giggle language which guarantees that we have fun at any get together. That is laughter and happiness.

We had a visitor come to the window right before we ate. It gave a perfect evening an even better Thanksgiving feel.

 

I have so much to be grateful for – we are surrounded by this amazing tribe of strong, loving people and I would not want it any other way. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

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From the East

Our thanksgiving family time has started with a visit from my cousin on my dad’s side. Because they grew up in Ontario and we are in Alberta I didn’t get to see any of my dad’s relatives as often as we all would have liked – yet that bond is still there and so strong. Losing my dad last year seemed to have brought us even closer together as we realize how small the miles can become and how short the time is.

We caught up on what everyone is doing and spent a lot of time talking about a cousin who has been having some health challenges lately. I am thankful for him that he has this awesome support system built in around him and that the treatments seem to be helping out. It’s just another reminder of how lucky I am to be in this tribe, and how important it is that we really stop and love each other. I don’t think at the end of the day much else is going to matter to me besides the people who I loved.

Happiness – sitting in the kitchen (where all good visiting happens) and catching up with my cousin. Here’s to the beginning of a great thanksgiving weekend.

 

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